2 More Days

The ever fated Dr's Appointment is only two days away. It's weird how I feel about this appointment. In one way or another I am glad to be going in another way, I am scared to death.

I can't say that things are going well. This cycle, like the last, is all messed up. The spotting has not stopped it gets better, than worse, then better again. I am afraid to have sex with Ray because I don't want to bleed and yet---obviously the whole having sex thing is important (yeah this is a ttc blog after all).

I've stepped away from the ovusoft forums for a little while. I just feel like I am not fitting in right now with them and I got some pretty harsh critism from some of the girls. Which I guess, I deserved but still. Being as upset and depressed as I am I suppose I felt I deserved some slack but here it is...

Apparently if you haven't been trying for at least 6 months or longer no one feels bad for you if you have serious medical issues (like I do right now) to them it's "nothing" not "long enough" and "insensitive" to other people to go on about how you just feel like giving up because nothing is going right. Apparently, I am supposed to put on a brave face and "get over it" because there are other people who have been seriously diagnosed as infertile an that's where all my sympathies should be. Sorry but I am a selfish cow. I feel bad for all of you but really...I am sick of being sick so pardon me if my sympathy is for myself and not for you!

I am not usually this nasty about stuff. I do feel bad for the hopelessly infertile- for those who have suffered multiple m/cs and chemical pregnancies. But I think in some ways I feel worse for those girls who have never even had a single + test, who don't ovulate, who have even less of a chance. I feel bad for women who have had body parts removed making the chance of getting pregnant even less remote.

So while I feel for these women I also know that it could be my fate too and so...if I say things like I've given up hope for my own BFP it only mimics the helplessness I feel in my heart. And people can go on and claim sensitivity to those who have had mulitple m/cs and issues but then I ask where is the sensitivity to my situation?

Yup, still bleeding

I think I am 1DPO today even though it means I would have ovulated on CD10 but with the weirdness of my cycle maybe it isn't really CD10 anyway...only time will tell what it really really is.

Our timing for sex wasn't great, if the ovulation date is yeterday it would have been 2 days before...but truthfully that's okay. I am only half into this month since the spotting will NOT STOP. It goes between a light period (1 or 2 half full tampons) to spotting, no need for anything at all but still a little pinkish. So explain that one. What is what?

Anyway, I'll be shocked if anything comes of it this cycle.

12 more days until I see the ob/gyn. Let's hope the news isn't too bad.

Keep on Keeping on, I guess

I am tired today. The usual- my life sucks and this isn't going well depression tired that I get when I can't control every single aspect of my life.

I am reminded of a quote from the Matrix when I get like this "Fate, it seems, was not without a sense of irony." For years and years I spent being afraid to get pregnant. I mean literally scared to death. If it was 8 years ago and I ended up pregnant it would have been a tough and heart wrenching choice for me. Now, it's all I think about and not about not wanting but wanting so bad I can't stand to be in the same room as myself when I get like this.

It is ironic isn't- that you can go years and years being afraid of something without ever knowing that you couldn't have gotten pregnant even if you wanted to. Now, I am sitting here looking at my chart (which is stuck and doing absolutely nothing) wondering why I spent so much time worrying about something that obviously my body is incapable of doing.

Clearly I am sad today because of what my body is and is not doing.

I started spotting again three days ago. A light spot, brown mostly but it's there. The CF has been sticky/creamy and my temps are low again...and if I hadn't already been tested for a crappy thyroid I might be inclinded to believe that was the problem...but what my charts are showing, and from what I know is the following:

First, and most notably, I am not ovulating. Second, my progesterone levels are low when I do ovulate (which isn't often) and finally, I bleed mid-cycle which is a very bad sign (cysts seem likely, even fibriods). I feel like I am falling apart.

The spotting only started last month when we finally decided to get on the TTC track. Of course, once again there is that irony. The waiting to see the doctor is getting almost as bad as any two week wait I am sure. Why can't things just be right with me??

My mom says I worry too much, that just because my cycles are a little irregular (ok Mom, bleeding mid-cycle is not "irregular" it's down right out of control) that everything is probably fine. But she doesn't know that I know that I am not ovulating and that my progesterone levels are low...she doesn't know because I can't explain charting to her (she would totally laugh at me if I did). And even though I try and talk with Ray I know he doesn't totally get how HOPELESS I feel right now.

The more I think about his stupid sister being pregnant or freakin' half his cousins getting knocked up accidently the more I just wanna isolate myself from the world. I can't stand it. It would be bad enough if I were just having mild baby-fever but this is full on baby-fever with no cure...not even a hint of a cure.

More than anything I am scared to see the doctor and hear what she has to tell me. I am afraid that she'll examine me and find problems which would set us back a long time to TTC and I feel I've already waited and wasted enough time. I am ANGRY at my husband because if we had started TTC 6 months ago, when I go to this appointment I'd have something to prove to her...she'd take me more seriously...now I know I am going to hear the old "give it another 4 or 5 months and then come back to me" But I KNOW this is not going to change and I feel so annoyed.

I am trying to keep moving forward, I am trying not to let myself get into this funk about TTC. I am trying to remember that sex isn't just for making babies but to reconnect with Ray in a more intimate way and yet I feel like having sex is a reminder of what cannot happen. He sees it in me when we are together...and I can't tell him without hurting his feelings.

I wish I could just let it go and be okay with whatever happens but my incessant need to control this has left me abandoned...

Well *sigh*

Still negative.

My chart is wrong.

I think all that spotting was me having a very short annovulatory cycle-so even though no temp drop...my temps are in "normal" range now (96.8-97.3) better than the really low temps I was having.

Apparently I am on CD15 now, CF is creamy but definitely not eggwhite...maybe I'll be lucky and ovulate in a few days...

Ray and I are back on our every other day schedule...so only time will tell for this cycle.

Dr's appointment w/ the GP this Friday to clear up yet another UTI- this is the 5th one in 6 months...something is clearly screwy...maybe he'll check my kidneys and see if there is a problem there...I think I'll request cipro instead of macrobid since the macrobid hasn't been clearing up my UTIs completely...

Dr's appointment w/ the OB/GYN on the 22nd...hopefully to figure some stuff out. I am worried I won't like the new OB/GYN...

Anyway, that's the story from here.

Que Eerie Music

Um yeah

No AF

No blood at all except after sex and that wasn't even enough to use anything with. I wiped, it was gone. Today, nothing.

I am 14DPO today. I should have gotten my period today. My temp went back up.

What the (pardon the expression) fuck is going on?

I feel cramps, mild. I have a headache, I've had it for about 4 days now-also mild. I feel dizzy from time to time--I've had vertigo before but this is different-ish. I feel full and bloated and right now, like I wanna puke. But I don't feel nauseous per se, just ugh. That could be just because I ate (but all I had was a small slice of french bread pizza and some fruit).

But I am pretty sure I'm getting a negative on any pg test I take. There must be something wrong with me then. And still a whole month until I get to see the OB/GYN. Who woulda thought I'd want to go to to a doctor??

Bleh.

Geez, I wish I had some answers. I refuse to test again until at least Friday. What's the point if I am going to see a stark white BFN again? I will assume either a) I didn't really O (totally possible) b) I have some type of luteal cyst which is extending my LP c) something is really really really wrong...

Right now, I am betting on c, because I am such an optimist.

OTAC (On To Another Cycle)

Temps dropped...big time today.

I feel AF coming, I think. I dunno. All that bleeding for the last two weeks and now, watch, she won't show. But I feel crampy and my face is broken out so...she's definitely on her way.

There is sadness. I tested yesterday, not sure why. Last night when I got home. I got the urge to POAS. Stupid me. Sure way to bring on the old girl. I learned my lesson- no testing until I am officially late. I never thought it would bother me that much to see the stark whiteness of the pg test...but it did.

Now I get to go to baby shower next Saturday---I get to spend the weekend with my in-laws talking about Ray's sister Jess and her pregnancy. I feel like crawling in a hole and dying about now.

We should have started this process months ago but Ray was too scared and I guess I was too. Now I feel like who knows what's going to happen. I can keep praying that I ovulate on time to give us more chances at getting pg.

I have to be patient, how could I really expect to get pg the first time out of the gate? I guess in a lot of ways I really did expect that. How foolish of me.

Anyway---I am just gonna sit and wait for AF to show today...try and spend time with Ray tonight- we haven't had many intimate moments these past two weeks. I felt a little disconnected from myself and from him. Maybe I'll try and make things better between the two of us tonight.

I hope AF shows soon and that she's not brutal to me.