Moving on

I decided to take Ann's advice and not beat myself up (thanks Ann, for always being a good friend to me). I think part of my problem is just being hopeful. I am not an optimist by nature. I like to say I am pragmatic but Ray says no, I am a true pessimist. I think pessimist is extreme but, it might be more accurate. If there is something between pragmatism and pessimism that would be my life philosophy. We'll call it chrissyism.

After my emotional breakdown on Wednesday (my cycle actually fully started on Thursday for those of you keeping track of my chart) Ray and I had a nice long chat. I figure I can keep going if I know at some point we'll get help and it won't be in 6 or 7 months, that it will be sooner rather than later. He told me he wants to stick it out "see what happens" not "rush" to force my body with meds etc. I honestly think he wants to avoid doing another SA, which is eye-rolling to say the least. I know his last experience with the SAs were terrible but I told him that we'd be with the RE from the start and so the conditions in which he'd have to do his business wouldn't be like they were the first time around. I also told him that there would be a chance he wouldn't have to do it again.

After much discussion he asked me why I was so desperate to go back. I told him that I really think that this cycle was a fluke and that future cycles waiting for ovulation are a waste of time. He thinks that because I've lost more weight and that the cinnamon tea is helping he doesn't want to just give up. All that stuff is helping, of course, but how consistently remains to be seen. I still have PCOS that's the shit that won't change, so I can drink 10 cups of tea a day, and lose 25 more lbs and it might not make any more difference now than it did. This cycle isn't indicative of anything, IMHO.

He said he still wanted to see how this cycle went and then I could call. I asked him if that meant I had to wait until i started bleeding again because that could be 40 or 50 days from now, if I don't ovulate. I told him I wasn't willing to wait that long and that if he didn't want to be a willing partner with me that we could just stop the whole thing right now. He said he wasn't trying to force an all or nothing just that he didn't want to run back there if my body was in fact working. I said I am not waiting for the next cycle to start because I don't know if that will be in 30 days or 60 days- producing nothing but agony as I go through the cycle. Then he asked me at what point would I know the cycle was a 'bust' so i told him honestly within 20 days. He basically agreed to compromise after that and said that if nothing is happening within 20 days I could call and set up our appointment.

So as it stands now, I am charting this cycle for the next 20 days to see what, if anything, happens. Let's just say I am not holding my breath for a repeat. But in case it does happen I'll consider it a good thing (obviously). To be clear I still wouldn't think that me O'ing two cycles in a row would be indicative of anything and it certainly wouldn't prove him right (because it just wouldn't). If nothing happens (as I suspect nothing will), I'll make the call the morning of the 20th day and set up the appointment. In the meanwhile, I am back to once a week update here on the blog.

Thanks for all the Thoughts and Prayers and support and comfort- it means a lot.

I think we all know how this ends

I started spotting...

cramps and spotting- AF will be here tomorrow.

Needless to say Ray had to get me to stop crying. And while i knew this was the way it was going to end I am still so hurt.

I guess we have to just suck it up and move on to the stupid IF treatments, that I REALLY REALLY didn't want to have to do. Blood tests and medication and all kinds of stuff that takes the enjoyment and fun out of TTC.

Ray is so supportive, he's convinced that we'll get pregnant this month once I start taking the clomid and they can tell me exactly when I'll ovulate. But even with all that I just don't think I'll ever get pregnant. I just don't think my body wants to. maybe I don't want to. I don't know.

I am going to do my best to pull it together tonight so I can go to work and be okay tomorrow. We have so much stuff to do right now that I can't let this affect me the way it is.

Thanks for the support though and all the good luck and wishes. I'll be back once we get this cycle started on clomid and I have something to blog about.

OTAC-again, CD6 and Counting

On Wednesday right before my Dr's appointment I realized that AF had decided to make her appearance. Awesome! I was miserable because I thought I would have to cancel the appointment that I already waited 3 weeks to get to begin with. When I called the receptionist she told me to come in anyway because I was a new patient and because it was CD1 and not very heavy. I am glad I went.

But it was funny because at first I thought, this is just "heavy spotting" again nothing to worry about it will be gone by the end of the day...but it really is AF. Can I tell you how excited I am? I know it's a strange thing to be excited about having AF but for me this means that I get to start a new cycle, hopefully with better results than my last cycle (55 days, totally annovulatory fit with a ton of spotting and stress). I just hope that we get a chance to time our sex this time around.

If it works out to be correct and I O anywhere between CD11-24 I will be in Australia with Ray...normally that would be cool, you know TTC on vacation and all. But we are staying with friends nearly the entire trip so...I am not sure humping in someone's guest bed is the best way to make an impression. But I don't want to lose out on what could be one of only a handful of ovulatory cycles this year...so we have to find a way to do this.

Brisbane will be the hardest since the folks we are staying with are retired and probably will not leave us in the house alone (can't say I blame them, they hardly know us), that will only leave sex at night. However, my friends in Melbs know me very well and have every intention of leaving us on our own in their houses. So the second half of the week should be easy to get sex in. Plus if Ray goes more than 3 days without, well you know, getting it out of his system. He becomes bitchy and nasty with me (he's like a diabetic with low blood sugar)--so I have every incentive to make sure that doesn't happen.

Also from Saturday night until Monday morning we'll be on a plane so I won't be able to temp or check CM. Saturday morning will be the last time I can check on US time. I'll have to skip Sunday and Monday and just start again on Tuesday on Oz time since we'll miss Sunday all together being on the plane and Monday we'll be in at 7:35am Oz time but I will not have had a restful enough sleep to temp I don't think.

My pelvic u/s is scheduled for Wednesday at 6pm. I don't think I'll have any results before I leave to got Australia so update about my fertility will have to wait until I return from Oz.

Lots of things to think about and to work on. I do hope I stop bleeding soon though and that the spotting doesn't return.

OTAC (On To Another Cycle)

Temps dropped...big time today.

I feel AF coming, I think. I dunno. All that bleeding for the last two weeks and now, watch, she won't show. But I feel crampy and my face is broken out so...she's definitely on her way.

There is sadness. I tested yesterday, not sure why. Last night when I got home. I got the urge to POAS. Stupid me. Sure way to bring on the old girl. I learned my lesson- no testing until I am officially late. I never thought it would bother me that much to see the stark whiteness of the pg test...but it did.

Now I get to go to baby shower next Saturday---I get to spend the weekend with my in-laws talking about Ray's sister Jess and her pregnancy. I feel like crawling in a hole and dying about now.

We should have started this process months ago but Ray was too scared and I guess I was too. Now I feel like who knows what's going to happen. I can keep praying that I ovulate on time to give us more chances at getting pg.

I have to be patient, how could I really expect to get pg the first time out of the gate? I guess in a lot of ways I really did expect that. How foolish of me.

Anyway---I am just gonna sit and wait for AF to show today...try and spend time with Ray tonight- we haven't had many intimate moments these past two weeks. I felt a little disconnected from myself and from him. Maybe I'll try and make things better between the two of us tonight.

I hope AF shows soon and that she's not brutal to me.