13DPO- and waiting

So after receiving the shock that I ovulated spontaneously the nurse told me to come in on 6/7DPO to have a progestrone test. The RE had told me that I needed a level above 15 in order to avoid vaginal suppositories. My level was 15.9. They are making me take them but for what?

I am not pregnant.

Not that i know for sure since I haven't tested but I am 99.99999999999% sure I am not. AF cramps have been here for the last two days a sure sign she's on her way. I can't even be disappointed about this because I knew our timing sucked especially with Ray's issues.

We agreed to do one more natural cycle (mainly because Ray wants to) and then start IUI. I have faith that the IUIs will work because I really believe that it's mostly Ray's issue at this point. We know I can be stimulated on 50mg of clomid, I am sure the 100mg will be even better. Now if only my insurance company were such jerks about everyhing.

That is a post for another time.

Anyway, so here I wait. It may be that AF is delayed due to the progesterone but she will be here and then it's another call to the RE's office to start the next cycle of pills, monitoring and shots. So fun! :/

Do You Ever Just Wonder

Do you ever wonder if when people say "I'm sorry it's not working out for you" that they really mean "I'm glad it's not working out for you because I am having a hard time and if I'm not happy I don't want anyone to be happy?"

I am not saying anyone who reads this blog feels that way about me. But a girl in one of my buddy groups on an infertility forum I post on was saying that a girl friend of hers just found out she's pregnant after 3 years with IVF. She said she was happy for them but not for another friend who had only been trying for 1 month. She said she was upset with the couple who was only trying for one month because it was so easy for them.

Sometimes I catch myself feeling that way too. Like, it isn't fair when it happens so easily. Or when I hear about yet another 15 year old who got herself "accidentially" knocked up. All of Ray's cousins (or wives) got pregnant on the first try, or when they weren't trying and I find myself resenting them, avoiding baby showers and pictures.

I don't want to be like that. I want to be happy for a person just because they are choosing to bring a child into the world. I want to be thrilled that they did that and be happy for them. But all I ever think is "why not me?"

And then there is the other thing I think about and that's the people who are having trouble, or who have had trouble. I think maybe they aren't as supportive of other infertile couples as they seem to be. Like we are all supposed to be thrilled when one of "us" gets pregnant but what if someone has been experiencing IF for 2 years and other 1 year and the one who was experiencing IF less time gets pregnant first...there has to be a lot of anger with the person who's been trying for two years...you know?

Or those girls that already had a baby and are experiecing so-called "secondary infertility"- sometimes I get so upset and think "but they already have ONE, I don't even have that." Or the even rarer breed of women who get pregnant after infertility and then don't want anyone else to be pregnant, whether infertile or not because it was so hard for them.

I just want to be okay with the way things are going for us now. I don't want to be "upset" that someone had an easy go of it. It's nice that there are people in the world who don't have to worry about this kind of stuff. If a girl friend of mine gets pregnant, whether trying or not, whether experiencing issues or not I am going to resolve, right here and now, to be happy for them. I won't allow my pain to create uncomfortable relationship with people.

I know I am better than that.

On to something else. We got Ray's SA results back from the RE. Pre-wash was okay about 15m (should be closer to 20m), 34% motile (should be closer to 50%), 47% normal forms (WHO 4th says at least 14% so we are really good there), 5.2ml (anything about 2.5 is awesome). Post-wash the motility went up to 45% and the count went to 7m which is actually really good the lab tech said. So if we want to do IUI we can, don't have to go straight into IVF (thank goodness). But I think we decided on an au naturale cycle this month and next month. We'll discuss IUI come July.

I have my fingers crossed that my CD12 u/s will show at least two nice follies for me to ovulate. I don't want to have to max out on clomid and because I am ovulating again on my own I don't think we'll need to go past 100 (at least I hope not). I have hope this cycle.

Tomorrow is my CD3 bloodwork and I get to pick up my 'script for the clomid and start taking it on Friday!

The Good News, The Bad News

The good news is that Ray's last SA was good. The count is still a little below average but nothing to worry about, at least according to the Uro. Since everything seems to be okay he no longer has to see the Uro (which made Ray happy). Unfortunately I think he will have to do one more SA when we get to the RE on Tuesday. He'll have to abstain again but I want to talk to the RE's office before I make Ray do that.

The Bad News is that I still haven't ovualted yet this cycle. Today is CD 24 the OPKs are definitely negative and my CF is still creamy, though I did have some light pink spotting with some EWCF last night (and cramps). So unless I ovulate in the next two days I am in for some provera. Yippy :(. That's the second cycle in a row that was ended by provera. I thought all this weight loss was supposed to help me!

Speaking of weight loss-it seems more like weight stall. I have to weigh in tonight even though I'll probably post a gain (it could even be close to 4 lbs which totally bites btw). But I already started back tracking and eating better so I am sure I'll lose all that weight plus some. At least I hope I will. I am hoping that April isn't too rainy so I can get on my bike again.

On a side note I saw my MIL this weekend and she was filling me in on the baby shower for one of Ray's cousin's-in-law (his cousin [Luke]'s wife, her name is Jen). We opted not to go for a few reasons. First my sister was in town and I wasn't going to a shower while my sister was in town. Second, I can't handle baby showers right now. I don't do showers to begin with (I was forced into my own bridal shower and I know if I ever get pregnant I'll be forced into a baby shower too) but a baby shower for someone else is just too much, especially for a girl who insisted she didn't want baby "right now" but covertly was taking OPKs and timing intercourse. Bah, I dislike dishonesty.

That reminds me of the conversation I had with Ray's other cousin-in-law (Julia, the wife of Mark, Luke's younger brother) about this. I mentioned that I wasn't going to the shower and she asked why and I told her. I said I know I didn't have a right to be upset about Luke and Jen but that it bothered me that Jen was so adament about not wanting to have a baby the last time I saw her (last July). And Julia said she understood but that even at that time Jen and Luke were trying. So I asked Julia why she thought Jen would be dishonest about it. She said she thought maybe Jen didn't want to answer so many questions. I said I understood but I think my responses would have been different, more along the lines of "hey if it happens it happens" not "oh no, I don't want any kids right now, we aren't trying" etc- Julia said that she thought that would have been the more honest approach. Not that it matters, what's done is done and I guess, I am happy for them.

Anyway, the shower was apparently very nice but there were a lot of people there. My MIL said something like 65 people or something. I still haven't gotten them a gift because I cannot will myself into Baby's R Us. I think my best bet is to go into Baby Gap and buy something. Not that they found out what they are having (nor will they) but I think I can find something cute that would work for a boy or a girl. Then I have to send it to them (or hopefully we'll see Mark and Julia again and they can give it to them for us).

Other than that life is the same. Just waiting on our RE appointment on April 9.

And the Results are In

HSG was a normal study

TSH is normal

I am immune to reubella (I am not sure why they test for this)

I have to wait to hear from the the Doc about my LH/FSH results. The nurse wasn't sure what they are supposed to be and didn't want to tell me if they are normal or not. I should have said are they a 1:1 ratio? That's normal if not, then no it's not normal. But apparently the Doctor will call me today. Yeah, I am not holding my breath for her phone call.

Still getting negative OPKs (shocking right???) Today is CD 16- if I ovulate this month it will be a surprise. I'll keep taking them though until I get to CD 35 and then I am calling the doc for more provera. In the meantime I've amassed a lot of pee sticks on my night table. They all look exactly the same, they aren't getting darker or lighter. I honestly think I don't even need to hear the results of my LH/FSH tests--clearly my LH is HIGH otherwise I wouldn't see anything on these tests. Bleh

The best I can hope for at this moment is to talk with the doctor about it. My guess is she wants to do clomid which, I think, is a mistake and a waste of time and money. I personally would rather go to something else like Femera which I hear works much better on PCOS folks than Clomid does. I am nervous about doing any kind of injectable treatment because it can cause ovarian hyperstimulation in PCOS patients, cause multiples (not that I care about that) but worse it can cause nasty cysts which are painful and require the pill to treat. Thanks, but I'll pass on all that.

As for Ray, his results are in already too but he's waiting to see the Doctor before getting them (on the 27th). I am really hoping that these results are much better than the last results we got. If not I think he'll be scheduled for an ultrasound to see if he has a severely twisted vein in his scrotum. I don't think so, it's probably all the mountain dew, bike riding and tight underwear he wears LOL. I think we'll try and treat with supplements rather than surgery if the vein isn't really impeding him. Only the Uro will be able to tell him that.

That's all from here. As soon as I have the other results I'll update again.

The Bad Touch

Ha ha...the title is joke of course.

So Ray had his appointment with the Urologist on Thursday. I ended up coming home from work early because I simply was not feeling well. He went alone and when he didn't call or come home by 3:30 (his appointment was at 2:15) I text messaged him to make sure everything was okay. He sent me a text saying the doctor had gotten held up in surgery and he hadn't even been seen yet. So okay---I had to wait.

At 4:30 he called to tell me that he was on his way back to the apartment and would tell me everything when he got there.

When he came home he said the doctor checked him over and mentioned that the semen analysis didn't tell him everything he wanted to know. He told Ray that labcorp (where the analysis was done) isn't very good and that Ray should consider going over to Shady Grove Fertility Clinic to have another sample tested. He gave Ray a 'script for another analysis. Then he said that he felt on Ray's physical exam a small varicocele (for those that don't know what that is, it's an enlarged, twisted vein in the scrotum, most often on the left side). He told Ray that although his analysis did have some troubling spots most of them were just slightly below normal range and that another analysis should determine how accurate they are. Not to mention the andrology lab at Shady Grove is much better and gives much better, more detailed analysis.

Ray's appointment to go is on Thursday of this coming week. He'll go over in the morning before work (I'll be with him-hehe) and do his thing. We should have the results the following day but probably won't really know anything until Ray's next Dr's appointment which is the last Thursday of March. Soooo another month to wait...the time just ticks by.

As for me, I have my beta hCG on Monday (since, as predicted I am not bleeding and I have not ovulated) and then I get the joy of starting provera. On Friday I'll go in for my CD3 bloodwork and then schedule my HSG for the following Friday.

I talked with my boss about all of my upcoming doctor stuff. I just told her the bare basics. Having some tests done, having a procedure mid month will have some follow-up appointments after that then maybe more stuff will need to be done-not sure yet. I told her it wasn't life threating nothing to really worry about but I needed to be checked out and monitored by a doctor and hopefully I'll be okay. She seemed understanding which is cool.

That's really all, so as usual it's wait wait wait. I'll let you all know how the blood test fairs on Monday.

To Add Insult to Injury

As if being diagnosed with PCOS wasn't enough now we have MFI (that's male factor infertility) to deal with.

Ray's SA results were very not good. Low count, bad morphology, bad motility (although they were moving in the right direction so that's good). My Ob/Gyn said to get him to a urologist ASAP-so we did. His appointment is on Thursday (of this week). We are praying it was just a bad sample-he was rushed, wasn't feeling well-SOMETHING. Because seriously I can't handle this. And I know it's making him feel terrible. It was bad when we were just dealing with my problems-now we have to deal with his stuff too. Do you think God believes we'll make crappy parents and that's why?

I know he'll be honest with the Doctor but I am afraid he won't be as candid as he could be. This is a sensitive topic for him. I mean I guess I understand no guy wants to be told he can't knock up his wife. I mean that's a blow to a guy's ego like nothing else.

It just figures you know. My test results were good. The doctor told me that fasting blood sugar, free testosterone, LH/FSH levels have normalized but that I should continue on the Metformin and up it to 500 mg 3 times per day (from two times per day). She also said she was happy to hear that my last period was "normal" (i.e. I bled for 6 days not 21) and that I wasn't spotting any more and that even though my blood work is normal she'll still label my condition as PCOS (because she still believes I have that). She told me that I need to come in for a beta hCG on Monday if I don't get my period to rule out a pregnancy, that's if I don't start my period before that (I won't and I won't be pregnant either). When the test comes back BFN I am to start provera to induce my period, then make an appoint to have CD3-5 blood work done and call to schedule my HSG. I am also supposed to start OPKs starting on CD10. Then after she gets my HSG and blood work back I am to come in for the results.

In the meantime Ray will be meeting the urologist and hopefully doing a repeat SA to see if the results are really as bad as they were. If they are I am sure he'll be in for a lot more tests himself. If not then we can talk about the schedule for BD'ing.

So we have a plan and we talked again. We decided definitely no IVF unless it's a "we have no choice" type thing. I am opposed to it morally and financially even though MD will pay for it so I hope we have choices in dealing with this stuff.

It's been a difficult few days and we are trying to find ways to make everything okay. But it's hard.