Oh yeah, really?

You know, I wanted to start out this post by telling everyone good news (and I’ll get to that) but I read something today that turned my stomach and immediately made me go WTF.

A post by a blogger that I read regularly (who I also know reads my blog) posted today the list of ingredients in breast milk followed by the ingredients listed in formula. I suppose to make a point (maybe you want to clarify it here) that breast milk is far superior to formula. And that by extension women who choose formula for their babies for one reason or another (or heck for no reason other than they don’t want to breast feed) are some how doing their children a disservice.

Well, if there is one thing I can’t stand it’s a sanctimommy*. That is a mother who feels that their way is the best way and that everyone else is so clearly doing it wrong. Newsflash: no they aren’t. Formula is actually a good source of food for a baby, otherwise they wouldn’t sell it and people wouldn’t buy it. Not to mention some people cannot physically or emotionally handle breast feeding or they cannot or choose not to pump. Not everyone can be a SAHM with time to breast feed. Some of us work outside the home and pumping takes time from work and to be honest, it isn’t a whole heck of a lot of fun. I don’t think that every mother is capable of breast feeding and I don’t think that women should be made to feel guilty if they choose formula for whatever reason they do. I am SICK to death of the breast is best rhetoric. To be honest with you I hated HATED breastfeeding once I returned to work. Spending 1.5 to 2 hours a day with a suction cup to my breast doesn’t make a person feel close to their child, despite what most breast feeding advocates tell you. No, a pump is not a bonding experience.

Besides the whole breast pump issue I think a woman has the right to choose what she feels is best for her and her baby. I am not going to force myself to breast feed if it’s taking an emotional toll on me and thus affecting my relationship with my child or my husband. Again some women are simply incapable emotionally of breast feeding and that does not make them a bad mother and it certainly does not make you a better one. Please understand that your sanctimonious post, dear blogger friend, insults millions of women and it insulted me tremendously.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest I do want to update you guys on a few things.

My next Ob appointment is Wednesday next week. I will be a day shy of 12w for it. I am fairly certain the doc will whip out the doppler so we can hear the heartbeat. I am both terrified and excited about it. I think once you’ve dealt with any IF issues you are always concerned that something could go wrong. But I am trying to remain positive. Other than that I have no real baby-to-be news to report.

The really fantastic news we received this week is that Ray has a new job. A really nice new job that will basically make our income go up 33K a year which is, frankly, insane. The job does have a bit of a downside in that we’ll have to move Clara to a daycare closer to Ray’s new work. The upside is that the daycare center is the same franchise as the one we currently attend, so in all likelihood it would have a very similar pre-school and kindergarten readiness program. A bigger bonus is that the school system in the county is among the best in MD and so long as she has after school care I can actually allow her to attend school there. I am thinking, if all goes well, we might move to that neighborhood at some point in the future.

We have been very lucky this month- the summer has been the most interesting we’ve had in years.

I’ll update again after our appointment next week. Positive thoughts for a strong, healthy heartbeat.

*and just to give credit where credit is due this is not my word. This word was coined by a friend on mom's forum that I belong to elsewhere on the internets. I wanted to make it clear that I am not, in fact, that witty.

I know finally...

First, a not so wonderful update but at the same time not world ending. I did not get the job. Which actually truly shocked me. They apparently went with someone internal which I knew would end up being the case eventually. I did however, get a personal phone call to tell me that the hiring managers were extremely impressed by me and that they wanted to make sure the recruiter kept my name and resume close by for any other compliance related opportunities in their area. I guess that's supposed to make me feel better. The recruiter is supposed to call me today to talk about some next steps. We'll see what happens.

Also, we've seen the RE and the OB already since my last post. Both have seen a heartbeat on our newest little babe. Great news, after some awful news last week. I was happy that we were able to attend the RE appointment because it gave me the chance to place the u/s picture in my grandmother's casket. Anyway, based on my LMP I am 7w4d today. I still think they have it wrong, I happen to know I am 7w2d today but, hey 2 days less is fine by me.

The baby is measuring perfectly, so as of now nothing to worry about except the fact that I've lost about 5lbs since the start of this pregnancy because I can hardly eat anything, and when I do I just feel sick after. So, I've been very cautious about what I am eating. Ray keeps suggesting that I take more B6 and B12 for energy and I am thinking I might give it a try, it can't hurt right? I would just like to feel good for at least part of the day.

I literally took a 2.5h nap yesterday. Poor Ray had to contend with a cranky and overtired Clara. After her nap though we went to in the in-laws for my FIL's birthday. There were lots of other family around so me tanking out on the couch, not eating anything would have been met with pretty skeptic eyes. Good thing I managed to hold it together until we got into the car. Then both Clara and I passed out. I woke up when we stopped but Clara stayed asleep (at 7pm!!!) and stayed that way until 7:15am!! I woke up later than usual (since we had the Ob appointment this morning) and I was shocked at how long she slept. Naturally though, after spending almost two straight weeks with Mommy and Daddy she didn't want to go back to daycare. She just kept saying "I don't wanna play with friends"- poor thing.

That's really all that's going on here. Next appointment in 4 weeks and possibly the NT scan if I can swing it with the insurance company (such a PITA).

Random

I am not even sure where to start this one. My grandmother is dying. I mean she's been very sick over the past several months but my dad and my uncle took her off life support this morning. It's really only a matter of time. The woman has been suffering so in a lot of ways this is probably a good thing. I know she was struggling to remain upbeat after the last hospitalization.

I wish I had gotten the chance to tell her about the new baby. We were waiting to see her in person because I wanted to cheer her up. Now I am not sure she ever got to know (because I made my dad promise not to tell her). I kind of hope he ended up telling her anyway.

Since the funeral will likely be Monday (she didn't want to be waked and apparently my uncle and father are abiding by her wishes but, I think they should do it anyway) I have to cancel and reschedule our u/s appointment with the RE. We'll be in NY for a couple of days after just to be with my family.

So now instead of celebrating the joy of new life, we'll be mourning my grandmother instead. I know everyone will say circle of life and all that but- still it's sad.

How did I not remember

The nausea? The exhaustion? Gah, I can't do anything around here.

I had my final interview on Friday. I think it went rather well. I had to give them my real application and I needed to send it via USPS but, ha, wouldn't you know it those bastards were closed yesterday (must be nice). I had to fedex it (and not cheaply either). I did manage to get my thank you notes out yesterday afternoon though (apparently they were still delivering mail just there were no retail locations open). Hopefully this will all work out how it's supposed to.

On another job related note Ray has an interview coming up this Friday. They haven't yet sent him the schedule but told him to leave the afternoon after 1pm open. So we are leaving Hershey a little earlier than I intended. We had to go get him a new suit (do you people know how insanely expensive a decent men's suit is? close to 600 bucks and that only included one shirt and one tie). I told Ray that this investment better be worth my while (in other words if he doesn't get this job his ass better be pounding pavement to do other interviews that justify the fact that we just shelled out close to $600 on a singular piece of clothing).

See, here's my rant. I don't really buy clothing because I really hate to shop. But when I do, I purchase a few things here or there, so my budget for a year is probably around $600 (in actuality it's probably a hell of a lot less than that, I mean how many black pants and skirts does a girl really need, after all?) Ray doesn't buy clothing (I usually get him three shirts and two or three new pairs of khaki pants for Christmas) so his budget is less than $200 a year. So spending $600 on a single suit, shirt and tie really stings for me. But I guess it's worth it if it makes a good impression. It's a really snazzy looking suit, for sure.

Not much else going on here. Just getting ready for vacation by trying to stay awake long enough to clean the house and get some crap done. Thinking about taking Clara to the pool this afternoon (if she naps and is good). I am excited about our trip to Dutch Wonderland I just hope I have the energy to do all the thing I want to do with her.

I'll post after our u/s on the 11th. Lots of good thoughts please.

They Joy of the (mostly) Anonymous Internets

Since I would really love to shout it out from the roof tops that I am, in fact, pregnant and that it happened without medical intervention but cannot, I will have to bask in the glory of this pregnancy with my mostly anonymous internet friends. At least for the next 8 or so weeks.

I had a beta done Friday and repeat today, both with the RE. They agreed to monitor me until we see a heartbeat. Once that happens I'll have them transfer my records to my Ob's office and I'll call to schedule an appointment with her.

Now, I cannot tell you the numbers for either of the test since I didn't ask and I don't care. According to both tests things are looking (and I quote) "great"- we are scheduled for an ultrasound on July 11 (right after we get back from vacation). I am surprisingly more relaxed about this pregnancy than I was for my pregnancy with Clara. I just remember being completed freaked out before the first u/s with her. I think I am trying to be more zen about the whole thing. Probably a better approach all around.

On top of all of that wonderful, wonderful news I also got a third interview with this company I've been interviewing with. I decided to go for it after a long (and helpful talk) with a dear friend of mine who finally had to convince me that hard-work does not necessarily equal stress and that I am sort of wasting away at my current position (all true things to be sure). Friday I meet with the marketers. This should be- well- interesting. I just hope I can charm them as well as I have charmed and made in-roads with all our marketers here. I honestly hope I get the job though I do worry how well I will be accomodated regarding this pregnancy. I guess we'll cross that bridge if we have to.

You know the month started out rather poorly (being robbed and all) but if someone asked me whether June ended up being a good month or a bad one. I'd have to say June turned out to be my favorite month this year!

Well, well, well...

I just wanted to quickly update all of you regarding the job situation.

I did in fact have a face to face with some of the folks for the company I applied with. I was required to meet with three folks from the department (the hiring manager, her manager and then a peer of the hiring manager). They are a very decentralized office so I expected that there would a bunch of folks to meet. I have to say for the job they want the new compliance person to do they aren't offering nearly enough money to do it. They basically want a person to come in do the marketing compliance from the ground up, IMHO they have almost nothing in place. It seems that they have never have a real, true marketing compliance person in the position before anywhere in the company (and we are talking an international company with a BIG presence and big market share in what the do) so this really shocked me. I would basically be putting together the process and procedures for the department and putting together definitions for the marketers to use in order to comply with the regulations that govern their business. It's a really big job for the money they are offering and, honestly, I am not that interested in building a marketing compliance department for them. In a situation like that they are better off hiring someone within their company who has more understanding of the business and market strategies than I do. I am supposed to know on Friday whether I got yet another interview round. That's the other thing, I realize that they want to heavily vet whatever candidate they choose but I don't have all the time in the world for these interviews, I still have a job that I like and need to be good at because there is a relatively good chance I'll be staying there despite its many flaws.

On to something else. I am 11DPO (12 if you are reading this on Thursday) and true to my word I refuse to test until Sunday (which would be CD1 if I have a 14 day LP, which I don't it's usually around 13 days). So far my temps have been pretty good, funny actually the charting software I use (not Fertility Friend) gave me a triphasic message today. I told Ray and he was like "is that a good sign" and I said "I don't take it to mean anything but the software says it could mean I am pregnant" he said "oh, really?" yeah really but I don't think so many women get triphasic patterns when they aren't pregnant too. We'll have to see what my temp is tomorrow. They usually start to downward slope on 12DPO and I usually start spotting on 11 or 12DPO also and I suspect that the B6 has at least kept me from spotting at 11DPO (yippy). I told Ray he shouldn't get too excited there is a good chance he'll have to repeat his SA and I'll have to do the CD3 bloodwork (which if I am not pregnant would fall on our appointment day, fingers crossed). Anyway, if by some chance I am pregnant I'll be sure to update on Sunday. I suppose I would call the RE's office and let them know and see if they still wanted me to come in anyway. We'll cross that bridge if we come to it.

That's it really. Nothing more exciting going on at this point.

And TTC isn’t even the half of it

This month has already been both the best month and the worst month, and we’re only 9 days in.

I know this is a TTC blog but I wanted to share more the “best” and “worst” of this week.

First the good stuff. I have a job interview with my dream company. This is an interview I never thought I’d actually get. I had already resigned myself to working where I work for at least another few years, so we can save some money and I could eventually go back to school to become a(n) SLP. That might still happen but in the meanwhile I need to save the money and I need to be good at my job so that maybe I’ll get promoted or a better than 3% increase (our average increase around here- so sad). I’ve been working for the better part of a year on earning insurance designations (anyone in the business knows that there is an insurance education program through L.OMA that requires you to pass courses in order to earn them). I have earned three in the last 14 months and I am on track to complete the highest level designation (known as F.LMI) by the end of Fall to further that end.

All that aside, last week when I had that incident with my co-workers (something I didn’t get into then and don’t plan to now) I had sent a former co-worker an email asking for some advice regarding the situation. At the end of her reply email she told me that the company (the one I am interviewing for) was looking for a Marketing Compliance Analyst (basically my job title only we call the marketing “advertising” here). I really had no intention of applying but I looked at the job description anyway and it looked interesting. (For the record, I know I am being vague but that’s because I don’t want to mention the current company I work for or the company with whom I will be interviewing just in case anyone decides to do a little re-con on my on-line comings and goings.) I took a minute, filled out the information, uploaded a resume and basically said “yeah I’ll never hear from them again”- the company is actually known for its extremely stringent hiring practices and the glacial pace at which it conducts interviews and follow-ups. So imagine my utter shock that less than 24 hours after I submitted my information I received an email from their HR department asking me what my availability for a phone interview would be next week. The interview will take place at 5pm next Monday. I’ve been prepping for it the entire week because it’s been 6 years since I did any kind of interviewing at all whatsoever. I am very rusty. One last thing- if we are f.acebook friends I would very much appreciate you not saying anything on my page. Both my boss and unit director are my facebook "friends" and considering that this job is hardly a done deal I’d like to keep them from really knowing about it. Also you can feel free to send me a little personal message on f.acebook if you are just dying to know which company it is that I’ll be interviewing with. So, yeah that was the really good and awesome thing that happened to me this week (that was Tuesday).

On the same exact day that all that awesome shit happened, the absolute most horrendous thing happened too. Our house was broken into and most of stuff was stolen. In short the thieves took our 46” flat screen 1080p HD TV, three laptops (including an Apple iBook), my iTouch, Ray’s PSP and his Xbox360. We came home to our door wide open and our Siamese cat looking out the door like “wtf just happened.” Not sure what part of the day it took place but I am glad both our cats had the good sense to hide and stay inside. We, of course, called the police and they determined that they got in through the back window (we don’t usually leave those windows open [they have screens] because they are on the porch and do pose a security risk), took the stuff and then left. I think there were two of them and I think they were young. They didn’t take my jewelry, our brand new dyson dc23, my iiadro collection or my Waterford crystal vases (you know the expensive shit was basically left). I mean I have gold bracelets and necklaces up in my jewelry box that because of the price of gold are worth 3 and 4 times more than all the stuff they took put together. Some of the iiadro pieces I have are worth more now than when I bought them. I mean they took three 8 year old (or older) laptops, a four year old tv, a two year old iTouch, a four year old Xbox and a three year old PSP- all of which has devalued significantly from their initial purchases. Even the dyson which is brand spanking new (the box was still in the living room for heaven’s sake) was worth more than all three of those laptops combined. But you know it’s not the money value of the things lost, it’s knowing that my neighborhood isn’t necessarily safe anymore, that at some point something could happen to us again or one of our neighbors. We bought a new TV yesterday because I just couldn’t stand to look at the empty space any more and have it be a reminder of what happened. At the same time I am not constantly worried that we’ll be victimized again because of it. Over time I know this feeling will fade a little and we’ll eventually replace all the stolen items but I am not sure I’ll ever feel the same way about my home again.

AND on that note we’ll move on to the guts of this blog which is, of course, TTC(A). Today is CD15 and I expect O to happen within the next day or two (if the pattern holds). I can tell you the CF is fairing nicely and based on that I can tell I am close. So we’ve been trying to take advantage despite the break-in. I think it would turn out to be an overall pretty awesome month if we ended up pregnant. But again I am not counting on it. I can say for sure that if O doesn’t happen by the end of the weekend Monday morning I am on the phone to RE’s office. That was already determined. If I do O I might still call because with the spotting low progesterone I would rather we get monitored and put on progesterone again than risk losing the pregnancy because of it. Only time will tell.

Clara is doing okay, the break-in didn’t phase her (why would it really?) She’s been getting better about her fits (thankfully) but I know because of the recent heat she hasn’t been able to play outside while at school and I think it affects her sleeping. She’s still taking 2 to 3 hour naps in the afternoon but her nighttime habits are getting worse. We pushed back her bedtime to 9pm but now it’s getting later and later. Last night it was closer to 9:15 when we finally got her down and she woke up at 5:45, that’s not enough sleep for a 2.5 year old. Tonight I am going to try doing all her stuff at 8:30, instead of 8:45 so this way she can “snuggle” with me for the last 15 minutes before bed (she like to do that and because it’s only a few minutes it doesn’t hurt anyone, she still walks herself to her bedroom and goes to sleep on her own so, I am not worried that I am creating a bad habit for her). Hopefully we can get her to go to bed around 8:30 at some point without her getting up at 5am too. That’s going to be the real challenge.

Well hopefully the next time I write we’ll be in the TTW again. Hope everyone has a wonderful week.

P.S for Trish- an acronym primer:

TTC= Trying to Conceive
PCOS= Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
LP= Luteal Phase
EWCM= Egg-white Cervical Mucous (most fertile cervical mucous)
CM/CF= Cervical Mucous/Cervical Fluid
BBT= Basal Body Temperature
IF= Infertility
PIO= Progesterone in Oil
AF= Aunt Flo (aka your period)
CD#= Cycle Day
#DPO= Days past ovulation
MFI= Male Factor Infertility
SA= Semen Analysis
RE= Reproductive Endocrinologist (the doc that specializes in infertility)
IR= Insulin Resistant (usually in combination with PCOS)
BCP= Birth Control Pills
O=Ovulation

And just because I mentioned them in the last two posts
L.OMA= Life Office Management Association (an organization designed to help Life Insurance professionals gain knowledge regarding the industry by enrolling them in courses that allow them to obtain designations)
F.LMI= Fellow, Life Management Institute (highest designation awarded by L.OMA)

I know there are a few others in this post but I won’t be using them again-except maybe WTF and TMI but I am sure you know those.

What can I say, really?

It's been an interesting week. And not good interesting. Most of it has nothing at all to do with TTC/IF/Family crap. It's all work related BS. And that's what it is BULL SHIT. I don't even want to get into it really but rest assured that those girls who were the bitches in high school are still those same, nasty, catty, immature bitches in the workplace. Some people never change. You wish they would get their much deserved comeuppance but it never fucking happens. Life is so unfair that way.

Moving on. I started taking B6 and drinking Green tea along with the cinnamon tea and prenatals plus extra folic acid I was taking already. The purpose of the B6 is, supposedly, to lengthen the LP. I've done B6 before with no results so I am not expecting a change here either. I would like to reduce the spotting to only one day before AF shows, that would give me some hope that I am producing my own progesterone. But given the PCOS, low progesterone is par for the course here. I think the only way to help that is either PIO, suppository or a prescribed cream.

The green tea is supposed to help with CF and goodness I've already seen a big improvement there. AF took a hike around CD5 (yippy), and yesterday I was pretty dry but today I had EWCM with pink tinge. So strange at CD7 to have any kind of real CF. Color me excited. I think I am just gearing up again because, again, I can feel my ovaries going on overdrive. I know I ovulated from the right side last cycle and it looks like that's where it will come from again (hopefully), even though I am feeling more left sided pain this time around than last time.

I am also hoping we'll be able to make more time to have sex. Last time our timing could have been better if we had done what we needed to the day before, day of, and day after. Not sure it would have helped considering the mild MFI issues we have going on but at the same time it probably wouldn't have hurt either. Perhaps this is all a little TMI but I need to write it out.

Everything, save the weight loss, seems to be going pretty well. I am trying to remain unstressed by the work related bullshit and just put my mind into TTC and getting my FLMI for work (three more tests to go!!!!!!!!)

That's really it until something happens- which with any luck should be in a week and a half or so. Until next week. :)

Moving on

I decided to take Ann's advice and not beat myself up (thanks Ann, for always being a good friend to me). I think part of my problem is just being hopeful. I am not an optimist by nature. I like to say I am pragmatic but Ray says no, I am a true pessimist. I think pessimist is extreme but, it might be more accurate. If there is something between pragmatism and pessimism that would be my life philosophy. We'll call it chrissyism.

After my emotional breakdown on Wednesday (my cycle actually fully started on Thursday for those of you keeping track of my chart) Ray and I had a nice long chat. I figure I can keep going if I know at some point we'll get help and it won't be in 6 or 7 months, that it will be sooner rather than later. He told me he wants to stick it out "see what happens" not "rush" to force my body with meds etc. I honestly think he wants to avoid doing another SA, which is eye-rolling to say the least. I know his last experience with the SAs were terrible but I told him that we'd be with the RE from the start and so the conditions in which he'd have to do his business wouldn't be like they were the first time around. I also told him that there would be a chance he wouldn't have to do it again.

After much discussion he asked me why I was so desperate to go back. I told him that I really think that this cycle was a fluke and that future cycles waiting for ovulation are a waste of time. He thinks that because I've lost more weight and that the cinnamon tea is helping he doesn't want to just give up. All that stuff is helping, of course, but how consistently remains to be seen. I still have PCOS that's the shit that won't change, so I can drink 10 cups of tea a day, and lose 25 more lbs and it might not make any more difference now than it did. This cycle isn't indicative of anything, IMHO.

He said he still wanted to see how this cycle went and then I could call. I asked him if that meant I had to wait until i started bleeding again because that could be 40 or 50 days from now, if I don't ovulate. I told him I wasn't willing to wait that long and that if he didn't want to be a willing partner with me that we could just stop the whole thing right now. He said he wasn't trying to force an all or nothing just that he didn't want to run back there if my body was in fact working. I said I am not waiting for the next cycle to start because I don't know if that will be in 30 days or 60 days- producing nothing but agony as I go through the cycle. Then he asked me at what point would I know the cycle was a 'bust' so i told him honestly within 20 days. He basically agreed to compromise after that and said that if nothing is happening within 20 days I could call and set up our appointment.

So as it stands now, I am charting this cycle for the next 20 days to see what, if anything, happens. Let's just say I am not holding my breath for a repeat. But in case it does happen I'll consider it a good thing (obviously). To be clear I still wouldn't think that me O'ing two cycles in a row would be indicative of anything and it certainly wouldn't prove him right (because it just wouldn't). If nothing happens (as I suspect nothing will), I'll make the call the morning of the 20th day and set up the appointment. In the meanwhile, I am back to once a week update here on the blog.

Thanks for all the Thoughts and Prayers and support and comfort- it means a lot.

How Do You Convince Yourself It Will Be Okay?

CD1 has arrived and let’s just say the bloom is off this rose for sure. I wanted so much for this to be the cycle so I could avoid the inevitable crap that comes with PCOS. I wanted to convince myself that I would be happy even without being pregnant because my body finally cooperated but at the same time I knew I’d be crying.

Now I have to steel myself for the next go round, the hoping and the praying that maybe we’ll have normal cycles. Hoping and praying that even if I do ovulate again without meds that the spotting this time was a fluke (not likely based on my previous test which required me to take a progesterone suppository in order to stay pregnant with Clara). It’s like a big list of unknowns and I fucking hate it!

Why am I doing this to myself again? Why am I letting myself get all worked up about TTC. I feel like this shit just never seems to go our way. Yeah, I know it’s the first cycle so how could I expect anything better but at the same time there are billions of women who get pregnant without a problem right out of the gate. WHY CAN’T I BE ONE OF THEM?

It’s hard not to be angry or upset about this kind of thing. Seriously, the only thing I want to do is be freakin’ NORMAL. Why is that too much to ask? Why do I have to make myself sick with worry that on top of everything else I might have a problem with progesterone?

Do you know that ALL of the women who had babies with me at work (i.e the ones who shared the pumping room with me) all have second kids now? ALL OF THEM. Did you know that all the babies that were first borns in Clara’s Infant I class at daycare all have siblings for their children now- ALL OF THEM. I feel like my life is a big joke and everyone is laughing but me.

Yeah, I am feeling sorry for myself- Big Time sorry for myself. Our friends who have a 1 year old told me a month ago they are about to start trying again and I just know she’ll be pregnant next month and I’ll still be waiting to see what my body decides to do. This shit SUCKS SO HARD. I just keep setting myself up for disappointment after disappointment.

It’s so hard to just convince myself that this cycle was a step in a positive direction because in the back of my mind I know there is something else wrong, even without the PCOS. Do I make the call now? Do I wait? Do I give up? I want to give up, sad as that seems, pathetic as that is, I just want to run away give up the whole thing and BE OKAY with it. But I won’t be, I know I won’t be. And yet it’s just too much for me right now.

On the Road (again)

So we’re off to Lake George for the next couple of days. This is our first real car trip with Clara. Obviously she’s been on a plane before and we’ve traveled the three hours up to NYC before but somehow I think this is different.

Clara is 17.5 months old now which means temper tantrums galore. Although to be honest she’s been pretty decent. If you don’t count the hysterical fits of crying that take place when we tell her that Whispurr (our Siamese cat) is done “playing with you for the night.” But really she isn’t “bad”. I only wish we had been able to successfully wean her from her pacifier habit before the trip because if she loses it while we are in the car it’s like a nightmare to find it and give it back to her. The only positive thing is that my mom will be joining us on the trip from Queens to Lake George so at least someone will be back there with her (either me or my mother).

It will be nice to take Clara to a place I love. We spent several summers when I was a kid up there. Most recently I lived just south of Lake George in Clifton Park. It feels like it’s been a really long time since I was up there. Gosh, I think it’s been about 7 years now. That translates into the same amount of time that I spent living there while I was in college and law school.

I’m not gonna lie, I do miss it at times. Some of my greatest memories are of living upstate, some of my greatest heartbreaks too. I wouldn’t change any of it though.

So the plan is to spend as much time hanging out and swimming as possible. Then take a lunch cruise on the Luc du Sant Sacrament, possibly take a paddle boat on the lake and meet with my old law school buddy for dinner and drinks. Another great thing about having my mom around is that she agreed to play babysitter while we hang out with my friend. I am thinking we might take a ride down into Saratoga but we’ll see.

I am looking forward to taking lots of pictures of Clara swimming and boating and just being a kid. It’s strange how fast she’s growing. I looked at her today and I thought “wow, she’s a real little girl now.” And it happened in the blink of our eyes.

Decisions, Decisions

Now that I feel like our life with MIL is somewhat settled (a whole long story) it’s time to assess what our family needs are.

Ray and I talked and I was honest with him. I’ve been on the fence about wanting to have another baby because of a few factors. First, I adore Clara to death and I want to give her all my love an attention. I am not sure I could love another one as much as I love and adore her. Second, financially things are good right now with just one. Having two means higher daycare tuition, more clothing (especially if we have a boy), more stuff in general (although a lot of the stuff we have is gender neutral with respect to pack & plays, swings, car seats and strollers so at least there is that). Third, I want to go back to school when Clara starts elementary school (in 4 years- I actually wanted to go back much sooner but that isn’t in the cards) and I am not sure I would be able to do that if we had a 2 year old at home. Lastly, the pain of infertility is still pretty fresh. Not to mention our current insurance is an HSA which covers infertility 100% but that’s because I am basically paying out of pocket with a tax-free account (no good really). His benefits (which we declined) pay for all pre-existing conditions except (get this) infertility! So basically I would need different insurance (a straight PPO with a co-pay would be ideal but even my company’s PPO option is a co-insurance thing.)

But I thought long and hard about our financial situation and I realized that in 18 months Ray will have completed paying off his student loans. As in done forever!!! Which is amazes me because he’s only been out of undergrad for 9 years. I worked really hard at come up with a “snowball” plan for paying off the loans (if anyone wants details on how we did this you can just send me a msg and I’ll explain it to you). What was supposed to happen at the end of that 18 months was that I was supposed to take whatever money he was throwing towards his loan and put it towards the smaller of my two remaining loans. But considering the nature of student loans I told Ray that we not do that. Instead we could put that money into daycare costs for another baby…

He said he thought it was a good plan (what?) and what time frame was I looking at. I said providing this all goes the way it’s supposed to (which we know it won’t) 9 months would be the soonest so that if a miracle occurs and I get pregnant right away then we have the 9 additional months to pay off the loan and it would put us right where we need to be. If it doesn’t happen right away (more likely the case) we’ll just keep trying and if it doesn’t happen within 6 months we’ll go back and get help from the RE again. I also figure that if I wait the 9 months from now we’ll have figured out the insurance situation (going back to the PPO and have the HSA money for the co-insurance payments). Moreover it gives Ray a few months to figure out his job situation (that’s post for another day because it means we may be moving. And now that we’re no longer talking with his mother/family we have no reason to really stay).

So that’s the tentative plans right now. It’s nice to dream that things will go just how we plan them to go. But even if they don’t I think giving it another try is in our best interest. I want another baby and I want Clara to have a sibling now more than ever because of our situation with Ray’s family. Maybe it’s not the best reason but I think, even if we stay where we are now, in the jobs we have now, in the house we currently own we can do it. And as far as school goes- well I think having one in kinders and one in pre-school is okay so long as we can swing it financially I know we’ll find a way to make it work time wise.

I Promise I'll Do Better

*sigh*

Well I'd like to say the "sleep training" worked like a charm but that would be a big fat lie. We have good nights and horrible ones. She refuses to go to bed before 9:30pm which takes its toll on Ray and me. But when 9:30 comes at least she's tired enough to not cry hysterically for 45 minutes like when we put her in there before she's "ready" to go to sleep.

Fact: She is her mother's (and father's) daughter.

Ray and I are both night owls. We both hate getting up in the mornings. Clara is exactly that way. Getting her up in the morning is a battle and it involves loads of crying and misery for everyone. If only the girl would go to be earlier she would save herself the pain of that 6:30am wake up call. As an adult I can hardly handle getting up that early but our schedules require us to be up until 11pm- but her's doesn't. Go figure.

Other than that she has managed to pull herself to standing without any assistance. Walking can't be too far behind now. She'll be 15 months in a week but I am not sure she'll walk before then. I guess I shouldn't be shocked at how long this is taking she's always been a little bit behind on the gross motor skills. I am hoping she will walk before summer though.

Overall she is doing very well. She was sick two weeks ago with tonsillitis and this past Monday and Tuesday she had another minor throat infection which, thankfully, did not require antibiotics. She recovered well from both bouts but I do worry about her throat and upper respitory stuff since she's had two upper respitory infections and two throat infections (not counting this minor one) in the last year plus. Thankfully, no ear infections though.

Friday she gets her MMR/Chickenpox Vax. I won't be there with her :( only Ray has time to go with her. I hope she does okay. I know that shot can be very painful for little arms. I told Ray to make sure she gets some ice cream (or a cookie) for being a good girl.

Ray and I are supposed to discuss the possibility of having another baby. This conversation is supposed to take place some time this summer. We have casually discussed in the past and while both of us would like to have another baby- finances, educational goals, and time are huge factors in why we probably won't for quite a while.

I have a pro and con list working about having another baby but at the end of the day it's going to come down to feelings and right now I am not sure how I feel because I know I am losing time and especially with the PCOS I have no idea how it will go with the next one, if there is a next one.

There will be no apologies

Well folks, I would apologize for not keeping you all up on the comings and goings of a Clara Rose but well it wouldn't make a difference would it?

So what's been up since November? Lots of things. My baby is almost a year now. I can hardly believe how BIG she is (I'll post another picture retrospective at the beginning of next month). She LOVED Thanksgiving and ate everything (including my cranberry sauce, go figure). Then it was Christmas and that was a ton of fun watching her open gifts and getting distracted by the kitties.

She isn't walking yet, heck she won't even pull herself up to stand yet but that's okay her gross motor skills have always been a little behind. But once she's up and moving no doubt she'll be all over the place. I love watching her as she eats because she enjoys it so much. She has eight teeth (soon to be nine) and looks so adorable when she smiles and laughs.

The last doctor's appoint has her at 17lbs 5oz (around the 20th percentile which is where she has been her whole life basically) and 29 inches (50th percentile). We are trying (failing mind you) to wean her from most of her bottles by her birthday (I only want to do 2 one AM when she wakes up and one PM when she goes to bed). So far we are down to about 4 a day. The only way to really do it is to send less bottles to daycare and more food/snacks for her. But I am so bad about doing that and putting together bottles is so much easier for us. But I will make an effort this week to prepare stuff for her to take (the same as I do for Ray) and hopefully that will help. I really don't want to be washing 5 and 6 bottles a day when we are in Disney. And I think honestly I can get away with bringing a few in the park with us but her mostly eating what we eat when we eat.

Which did I mention- that's what we are doing for her first birthday? Going to Walt Disney World? We go every year for Ray's birthday (5 days before Clara's) so now we have combined their birthdays into one longer/bigger trip. And we'll do it every year for her until she doesn't want go any more (and then maybe we'll stop). Ray said part of the wonderful thing about us getting married was being able to finally go to Disney World whenever we wanted. I tend to agree. It was nice spending all that couple time down there but I am really excited to see how Clara reacts to some of the stuff there too. And as she gets older it will be even more fun because she'll get to ride rides with her Daddy too.

Anyway, that's really all that's going on here. I'll try and be better about updating.

Playing Catch-Up

I'm absolutely convinced that there are not enough hours in the day to do all the things I need to get done. And now I am about to add less time to that. But first things first...

Isn't she just the cutest thing EVER? We went to church on Sunday for the first time with her. We had her in her Easter dress and bonnet because we aren't seeing Ray's family for Easter this year and we were having them over for "Easter Dinner" on Palm Sunday. So I dressed her up for them. I bought the dress from Janie and Jack two weeks ago. Normally I just browse the sale rack there but this dress was so freakin' adorable I had to get it. But the bonnet they had with the dress was too big for her and it was more like a sun hat than a bonnet. So naturally I complained to my mother. She found two adorable bonnets at dillards in Oklahoma City while she was visiting with my sister. And this one was perfect with her little dress.

While my mom was here we did some more shopping and found two more cute little dresses for her to wear. Now that she's finally in the 0-3 month sizes (more about that in a second) her clothing options have opened up a bit. I am so excited it's going into spring and there are such cute things out there for her.

Regarding the 0-3 sizes- last Monday we took Clara to the doctor for her first set of shots. She did okay- I was a mess, naturally. She cried for a good 5 minutes with real tears and everything. I never saw her get so worked up over anything. Anyway, according to Dr DeVoe (her pediatrician) she weighs 8lbs 11oz now and is 23 inches tall. The charts tell him that she is falling between the 10th and 25th percentile for weight but in the 75th for height. So naturally the doctor asks "is she still being breastfeed" and I said "yes"- I assume to look at the weight in a more realistic way if he is using a "formula chart" so he said "okay" and then he said "well it seems to me that she's putting all her calories into growing taller." I asked if he was concerned with the weight and he said "not really, babies tend to catch up eventually"- we talked a little more about her incessent hiccuping and her explosive poo diapers (for some reason every three days or so she explodes a diaper- we have no idea why) and he said it was all pretty normal (which we figured but one never knows).

In other news, I had Ray print out 30 invitations to Clara's baptism that will be taking place on May 10 (Mother's Day!) And oh the hoops people have to jump through these days to be Godparents. Who knew? Either way, the invites are going out this week along with the information to the church about the Godparents. Ray and I need to attend some kind of class before hand too. My goodness...anyway we are having a party at our house afterwards and I decided not to do a lot of cooking. The only thing I am doing is making a spiral cut ham- and even that is mostly done just the glaze needs to be put on it. So, it should be nice if we get people to come. The ceremony is taking place after Mass so, at least that's good for those who don't want to spend an hour in church. The bad thing is that we'll have at least 4 other babies being baptised along with Clara. Meh, as long as she gets baptised who cares who else is there. So we decided to have my twin sister and Ray's brother be the Godparents. I even bought a new dress for the occassion. My sister and I are supposed to go look for one for Clara this coming weekend if there is time between visiting everyone in creation with Clara in tow.

Other than that stuff. And getting back to my original comment. I've decided to go back to school. Ray and I discussed having another baby right away considering my health and age and I determined that I am content for now with Clara and that I had been thinking a lot about going back to school. I want to go into a field that I feel good about- reviewing insurance advertising (while fun and exciting :eye roll:) is not my idea of an altruistic career path. And now that I have Clara I feel like I want to help people more, not contribute to trash that's created (yes I am that evil-doer that reviews the junk mail you toss out regularly). So in the past my interests were to return to school to get my PhD in Sociology (specifically demography) but I cannot commit 7 years to a full time program and my interest in demography has waned significantly over the years. And I still need to take care of Ray, Clara, the house and more than those things I need to be working. My other areas of interest were to work in the health care industry and get out of legal all together. To that end I research some things I was interested in and decided to go back to school to become a Speech Language Pathologist.

In order to do that I could go in one of two directions a "three year" program where I would take any and all undergrad requirements along with the courses to get an M.S or I can start to take classes for a second bachelors degree and get my B.S and then apply seperately to the Master's program. I decided to do the latter since the former is a full time program that I cannot commit time to (see reasons above). I sent out my application today and requests for transcripts today also. I should know in a few months I think if I got in for the fall semester. Then I can start taking classes part time. The first classes will be algebra for applications, biology for health professionals and ASL. The math and science class are required to apply for the major, ASL I think will just help me in the field generally since the field deals with speech, language and hearing problems. Wish me luck.

So that's really all that's going on around here. More pictures after the weekend.

The Countdown Begins

Next Tuesday Ray and I will find out if little Clumpy is a baby boy or a baby girl. I am still thinking the baby is girl. Ray told me yesterday he thinks baby is a boy. But I believe he said that just to be contrary to me.

We have discussed names briefly but we are really waiting to find out what we are having before we go full force into it. Just look at names for either a boy or a girl is easier than looking at both. We both have names we like and I think we'll be okay no matter what we choose. I am not an absolute stickler for the name as long as its something we both like, even if I don't LOVE it.

Other than that not much else going on around here. The wallpaper border came in last week and Mom and Nat will help me put it up this coming weekend. Mom and I went to Boscovs on Saturday (since they are going out of business) and bought new curtains for the guest room but while we were there I managed to pick up to sage green valances for the nursery too. Now I just have to readjust the height of the curtain rod so it all looks nice. We spent 15 dollars on curtains for three rooms. Can't get a better deal than that, if you ask me.

That's life right now. Work is insane and we're still waiting to hear on the job Ray applied for and interviewed for a few weeks ago. The wheels of employment turn slowly at his job so nothing to be concerned with.

Oh and before I forgot

Congratulations to Ann on your Little One!

Whew

According to my "new" pregnancy ticker I am 16w1d today. It's so odd.

We scheduled our BIG u/s for Tuesday September 2. I can't believe it's only two weeks away. I am nervous as hell. I just want Baby to be okay- have all his/her fingers, toes, kidneys etc. I don't want there to be a single problem. Of course I don't-what mother wants that?

I had a complete breakdown yesterday. I've been having them a lot it seems. This past weekend I cried for at least 30 minutes about absolutely nothing (cleaning the bathroom, something I've done in the past-not a difficult job, nothing to be stressed about so explain it to me?) But yesterday I was just feeling down and I didn't know why, it was just a whole mess of stuff.

Ray and I were nicely watching the olympics. He had put away all the food from dinner and we were just hanging out like we usually do after dinner. I was thinking about February and how overwhelming all this stuff is. I started to just feel terrible- my body is changing, I haven't really felt the baby move (and I am over 16 weeks and that scares me a little), we have our big u/s in two weeks, I get my AFP results in three weeks- I am nervous, scared and I feel- well lonely to be honest.

I have no one to talk to who doesn't think all these little fears are "so silly" (as my mom says). What is our life going to be like in February? Will I ever be able to do any of the things I used to do? Will I even be good at this? Am I willing to be less selfish? Am I willing to compromise and give things up?

I feel like I've spent so much of my life coasting on "just enough"- just enough to get by and not get fired from my job, just enough to be a decent wife (but not a great one) to Ray, just enough to be a good sister or daughter to my siblings and parents. I don't want to be "just enough" for this baby. But I don't know how to be great at anything.

And I realized then (as I do right now) that any experience I've had with children has been terrible. I never ask to play with or hold Ray's cousin's children, I hated babysitting as a teen- WHAT WAS I THINKING? We wanted this, we worked for this and now- after 16 weeks of doctor's appointments and morning sickness and general stress I am now RETHINKING this whole thing? I can't go back, I don't really want to go back but---gosh this is so tough and I didn't think I would feel so inadequate or ill-equiped to do this.

None of my real life friends (except Ann and LJ) have been pregnant- none of them. My sister hasn't, my SILs (except the one we don't talk to) haven't. I am alone and I have no one to talk to. I just want someone to tell me that I'll do just fine. That I won't fuck this kid up for life. That even though I worry that the worry is okay and that Ray will be there to help me and I won't be doing this alone.

I could use a reassuring hug every now and again. I could use a real girlfriend to spend time with me so that I don't take all these negative thoughts with me into the world.

I used to have a best friend you know...now, even though Ray and I share everything I just don't think he really understands how overwhelmed and scared I am.

A Follow-up

Thanks for all the support ladies. I was worried about saying something that might offend the folks that read this blog but I think you all sorta understand where I am coming from.

Meghan, I completely understand your point. I do know what it's like to hear someone complain that it took them "so long" to conceive when it really only took them a few tries. One of Ray's cousin was like that- I just had to learn to ignore it. It's hard but I couldn't let myself be angry about her inconsiderateness (is that a word??). And what she was saying was inconsiderate. But I had to chalk it up to her not completely understand "our world"- the world of infertility, the frustration that we feel daily etc etc. I just had to "let go" of it in a way. I am not saying it was easy to just ignore it (it wasn't) but I had to so that I stayed SANE.

I am not perfect about it by any stretch. I still have my moments. I'll give you an example. This past weekend we saw many of Ray's cousins at his Aunt and Uncle's home in Pittsburgh. Three of the cousins have babies, all under a year old. Not a single one of them had issues getting pregnant. The cousin who got pregnant on accident last year who is unmarried and still lives at home where her parents take care of the kid 80% of the time was there. At one point Ray's aunt picked the baby up and moved her over to the highchair and Ray's cousin (the baby's mom) said "where are you taking her?" and Ray's aunt said "to her highchair it's time for you to feed her"- She had to REMIND her to feed her own daughter. I was throughly disgusted. Here we were having tried for a year, waiting to get the chance to do what she was totally taking for granted. I had to leave the room. But the best was the complaints about L&D. At that point I told them flat out "I'm ignoring whatever it is your are saying so feel free to talk about it but I'm not listening to you." As if a little pain and discomfort of birth is anything compared to the pain and discomfort we suffered through trying to get pregnant in the first place...(I do have to say this though- the wife of the cousin we are close to and who really knew how much crap we'd been through did not participate in the L&D conversation nor did she really complain about pregnancy, child rearing or anything. Both her and her DH are extremely considerate of us).

So you see- just because I can be enlightened most of the time doesn't mean I am all the time. It's still difficult. I still feel like I want to punch some of Ray's cousins who complain but for the most part I just think of them as ignorant to fertility issues and so I can't really blame them.

It takes time, it takes lots of understanding, and for me lots of prayers. We had a great support system with our immediate families and with our close friends and that made this whole last year of trying and coming to terms with infertility easier because there were people out there who did know and who did understand (or try to understand) what was going on.

In a lot of ways my reason for the post was not to try and get IF women to see and feel the way I do but rather to consider the kind of person/people they have become through this journey...

Anyway I appreciate all the comments. I'll be back with "how is Clumpy doing" posts this week. :)

Something To Say

I have a lot on my mind today but first, Megan I wanted to address your question about us finding out the sex. Yes, we are going to but I don't think we are going to tell anyone. What fun is that you ask? We want to know so that we can be prepared and, of course, only have to think of two girl names or two boy names rather than two girl names and two boy names. The other reason we aren't telling anyone is because people have the tendency to buy pink or blue when they know they sex and honestly I would rather they not do that. I prefer neutrals really- yellows, greens, light orange colors etc. Pink and Blue are so gender specific and that's not really my style I guess. :)

Second, I wanted to say a HUGE bloggy thanks to Ann for the blanket. Thanks so much Ann it was really thoughtful of you. It is our first real baby gift and it's so soft and cute Ray and I love it. I can't wait to put it into the baby's crib.

And Last, what's been on my mind...

I don't even know if I know how to start this as I don't want to offend my bloggy buddies who have been nothing but supportive of me over the last few years but I need to get something off my chest.

When Ray and I first started this journey off to babyland I was optimistic about our chances for conception. I knew I had health issues (asthma, overweight) but never did I think those health issues were affecting my fertility in an adverse way. It wasn't until I was told "lose weight" and "you have PCOS" that reality started to set in. In all the time I was dealing with hearing the diagnosis and trying to come to terms with things, Ray's cousins were getting knocked up left and right and yeah I was bitter...

Ok, let's be honest, I was extremely bitter, hateful, resentful and plain out MEAN. I attended no family functions, baby showers, birthday parties, Christenings or anything. I ranted and raved about how unfair it all was- why were we being punished. I even went so far as to say that some of them didn't deserve it or that Ray and I would make better parents because we really wanted it...

In retrospect my attitude was absolutely THE WORST and I was becoming a horrible, mean person because of it. One day I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that if I continued to put out negativity into the world that's exactly what I was going to get back. I don't think me being negative had anything to do with us not conceiving but it certainly didn't help matters much. At some point I resolved to be okay with other women and their fertility, realizing (as hard as it was) that their fertility, their parenting style, their ability to even be a good parent, was not stopping us from having a baby. I had to realize that God (or whomever) just didn't work that way.

Why am I bringing this up now...now that I am pregnant and it's completely irrelevant? It's a strange thing. I belong to a forum (I've mentioned it here before) of women who are TTC/TTA/going through IF or going through losses. Someone put together a post about Michele Duggar (the woman who has 18 children) and how "unfair" it is that she gets to pop out kid after kid while some women can even have one. It was a bitter and nasty post filled with self-congratulations about what a fantastic mother this person would be and how horrible it is that Mrs. Duggar makes her older children raise the younger ones and blah blah blah...

The post angered me. I don't know why but it did. The post was made on the Infertility and Loss section of the forum. A place I rarely, if ever, visit (for many reasons not the least of which is that I like to stay positive and reading about other people's loss makes me very sad and it makes me worry). The post was so negative I felt like someone needed to in there and say "hey listen what does it matter if she has 50 more kids, your hatred for her doesn't make you a better more loving person it makes you bitter and mean." Nothing that I wrote in that post was directed at anyone specifically. It really was just a "hey look at who you are becoming is that the kind of person you want to be?" I got a PM from someone who read my post and asked me to "reconsider" what I wrote. I opted not to.

Maybe that makes me a terrible person or whatever but I really believe that if we are going to grow from tragic experiences (and IF and loss is TRAGIC and don't let anyone tell you differently) then blaming other women's good fortune is not the way to grow. Can I be a little annoyed at the Duggars for making the older kids raise the younger ones- maybe. It isn't something I'd do but heck if I am going to let ANYONE in the universe question how I parent my kid. She's in the public eye so somehow that makes it okay...it doesn't but this is what people believe.

I need to say this people because I've been there...just because we suffered through infertility or loss (or both) does not mean we are going to automatically be better parents, better people or love our children more than those who did not struggle or did not experience loss. These people who have no trouble with conception may not have had to fight as hard but it does not mean they are any less loving, wonderful, compassionate and truly grateful people to have their children in their lives. And if I have to be totally honest with all of you- I would have gladly given up the years of infertility I experienced to already have my baby in my arms (I know most of you would agree). Just because we share this terrible journey of infertility does not give us the right to be judgmental and self-righteous. It does not make us better people if the people we have become are self-absorbed, bitter and angry towards other women!

I am sure I probably offended a bunch of people here. I am sorry for that but it seems to me that there is a sense of entitlement among infertile women, a sense of "I'm better than you are because look what I had to go through" and it saddens me that we are bringing down our sisters by using divisive and judgmental language.

I guess that's all I wanted to say...