Another Day, Another Dr, Another Appointment

So, we are back to square 1 on this whole baby thing.

I got a recommendation for another Ob/Gyn which I will be seeing, along with all my medical records, on January 18. With any luck I'll get some answers.

In the meantime the weight loss continues. I am hoping I will be about 4 to 6 lbs less before I see her. Not sure how feesible that is but, you never can tell with weight loss. I am not going to push myself. Tonight, however, I am going to give my biggest loser workout dvd a try and see how I like it.

Regarding everything else. My period "ended" about a week ago but I am still spotting fairly regularly but at least I am not bleeding everywhere like I was for those three weeks. The bleeding started again when Ray and I had sex on Sunday, I was only bleeding very lightly before that--now the spotting is a bit more. I can't tell if my issue is cervical (nothing in my exams indicates that) uterine (it could be something there based on my u/s that the doc barely looked at or acknowledged) or homrmonal (could also be that). I wonder if I am going to have to insist that the test be run again if she can't give me a better understanding of why I was brushed off so callously with the "lose weight and everything will be okay" line by the other doctor.

What Do You Do With The Emptiness?

The minutes tick by--tick tock, tick tock. It seems almost endless---this feeling of emptiness.

It never goes away.

From time to time the pain subsides and you convince yourself you can "handle" it. So you fill the emptiness with travel plans and seeing friends and anything else that you can muster. You pretend that the emptiness you feel isn't there. You pretend that everything is okay.

Until one day-it just isn't any more. And life can offer you nothing but harshness and sorrow. And there is no answer and there is no reason. But you wake up and try to remain positive-that today things will be different and maybe, just maybe that emptiness will be gone forever.

The waiting, the hoping, and the longing-these are the worst parts. Who can understand? Who can really know? Every where you look there is another reminder of your failure and the emptiness that seems so pervasive-so real, you can hardly breathe.

There are days when I feel like giving up is the right answer. Shielding myself from all the future pain, letting the emptiness go by pushing it so far inside of me I'll never give it the chance to see the light of day again. Hope is the worst...hope is pain.

And yet for some fucked up reason I keep hoping. I keep thinking "there will be a change" I am doing what I've been asked, I am trying and yet it isn't working. What is wrong with me???

The emptiness always finds me. It never stays away for long. The sadness overwhelms me. There is nothing to be done but lose hope. I can't do that yet because something inside me keeps it alive...the thought-the mere mention of it.

Our life without children the thought is hard to endure...much like the emptiness it creates.

Eh

That's how I feel...totally eh.

Proud of my weight loss but eh about everything else.

December marks our 7th month of trying. And my 6th consecutive month of not ovulating and my 2nd consecutive month of bleeding. Fun, right? Don't you just want to be me?

Now I have these abscesses everywhere again. I am in pain nearly constantly because of them. I've learned to live with the pain, lethargy, fevers, and general disruption to my life they create. What else can I do? I've tried nearly every home remedy out there, no one knows what causes them or how to get rid of them. Ray and I have appointments to see a dermatologist at the end of January. Maybe with more weight loss a doctor will finally take me seriously.

In the meantime, I bleed- heavy, light, heavy, light. I swear tampax made their profits on me this year. I guess that's what I get for skipping my period all those months when I was on HBC. If I knew this was going to happen...ugh.

The baby picture is looking worse and worse as the days go by. Even with weight loss I am not sure I can be helped. I'd like to think that at least a doctor will try and give a crap about me once I hit a BMI lower than 30 but who knows. I've lost all faith in medicine it seems.

I will try and remain as positive as possible but I am not sure how to do that...

No New Is Good News

Nothing has changed...

Still bleeding just not terribly.

But I just keep repeating that I am normal. I mean, after all that is what the doctor said, right?

I am not sure what to do any more. Part of me just wants to focus and concentrate on losing enough weight so that if I go back and see the awful doctor again, still having the same issues, I can effectively say "HA- now what?" I think that if I see her again in February with the spotting/bleeding issues, with the lack of ovulation and my weight down about 45 lbs (which is what she expected I needed to do to get my cycles straightened out) she'll start me on clomid and progesterone. But I shouldn't have had to go through all this.

I am still taking my records to an internalist that my MIL recommended but I am waiting until January to do that-so I can take a full day off to prep and I don't have to rush myself around.

Monday is our 2 year anniversary. I wish things were going better TTC wise. I think my frustration and health issues are really affecting my relationship with Ray...physically I am not as affectionate as I used to be, mentally I am so heart-broken I don't feel like being affectionate.

I can't explain it to him because he works just the opposite. When he gets down all he wants to do is kiss and cuddle and be comforted through physical stuff...I just want to be left alone. I know he misses me. I want to be a good wife but it's been so difficult. All I keep thinking about is the bleeding, the pain that I am in and everything else that is going on. I can't make him understand how difficult this is for me.

I am hoping our anniversary will give us a chance to reconnect.

November Rain

I love the holidays...

I love that it's fall and that our anniversary is coming up.

What I don't love is that this is our two year anniversary. You know the "unoffical" anniversary when people start to ask "so, when can we hear the pitter patter of little feet?" As if they could ask such a question without sounding like they are prying into your personal business...

Last week was my 29th birthday...another birthday where people ask "aren't you getting to the point where you should start thinking about having a family"--it's all coming together all at once.

I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I think the same things. Or worse I think "it will never happen so why try"- this month marks the 5th month of our offically trying--and about 7 months of not really trying and not really preventing either. I suppose I shouldn't be so down about it...you know except for the pesky fact that I haven't ovulated in these last 5 months...and no one but me seems to be concerned with that.

I feel like the hits just keep coming and no one wants to help me fight. Not even Ray. Even though I know, by and large, that isn't true. I just feel alone.

I am not charting (I mentioned this before) because I don't even know how to mark half the stuff that's going on in my body. My BBT hasn't changed in months and all I do is spot, bleed, take a few weeks off...

The fact that I've lost almost 10% of my weight hasn't helped either. And i am screaming mad at the new ob/gyn for missing some important info about my tests. Not to mention I just found out that a woman here at work (who I know through occasional contact) is pregnant and she's at least 100lbs heavier than I am/was. I am not sure what to do any more.

I know I can't focus on other people...I have to focus on me. But it just seems so cold out here in the November Rain!

Chart This

I've given up on charting. I mean what's the point with me not ovulating at all? So even though I've lost nearly 14 lbs-it isn't enough to jump start my body into working again. Maybe there is something to that 10% thing.

In the meantime I feel like some of my health issues are better (breathing and whatnot) but some have remained the same (spotting, cysts etc). I wonder if losing a few dress sizes will help them at all. I can't see it hurting that.

I still haven't really found a doctor to take my records to. Hopefully after the holidays. We'll see what my body does in the mean time.

Then again God works in strange ways--I could end up preg, next month for all I know.

??

I am not even sure where to begin this...

We're kind of on a break while I attempt to lose at least 40lbs. My doctor doesn't seem to phased by the fact that I have cronic spotting and that I haven't ovulated at all in the last year...

I requested my medical records, including my u/s and blood test results. Now I am just searching for a Dr in MD to look at them and not me and determine whether I have PCOS or something else going on here...

In the meantime I am in weight watchers--and doing well-exercising and definitely eating better.

I just wish people in Ray's family would stop getting knocked up.