So tell me again why I was hopeful?

The second follicle check did not go well. The one and only follicle that had good size to it stopped growing. RE said we'll do another U/S on Friday but that after that we won't. I'll get to go another two weeks unmonitored and if I don't start my period by then it's on to yet another round of provera. I think I still have my other prescription some place.

Words cannot describe the immense disappointment I feel. Ray was in the room with me this time. I don't think he knew what was going on because he didn't say anything to me after. He was ticked because I lost his keys-nice reaction. Here I am miserable and all he can do is be pissy about his keys, which are in the house we just didn't have time to look for them.

The RE said that it's possible the 50mg dose of clomid is too low and that I need a higher dose. That's fine the clomid 'script is a lot less expensive than the ovidrel. So if this cycle doesn't work out for triggering at least I won't have to get another ovidrel shot.

I am reading a lot about PCOS and clomid though and what a lot of REs do is supplement the clomid with an injectable every other day in order to stimulate the ovaries. I'd hate to tell an RE how to do her job but I am wondering if she is ignoring my PCOS and just treating me as if I have unexplained infertility. I don't know. I am just so miserable today...

I guess I'll keep my hope up by hoping that they will grow more in the next three days! *sigh*

Check, Check 1 2 3

So I had the follie check on Saturday. It was okay. I expected to see my RE but I got another Dr from the practice- a guy. Never had a guy lookin' down there before. No biggy, just unexpected.

RE said that I have several potential follies (YIPPY)on the right side, and a couple on the left, the biggest being 10mm-small but growing. It needs to be at least 18-20mm before they'll let me get my shot. I am supposed to go again tomorrow morning to see if it's grown. I am hoping it will be a little overachiver and have grown to at least 16mm- I suspect I'll be lucky if it reach 14mm or that it's grown at all.

I have no idea of 10mm is good after three days being off clomid or if that's on the small side. I would think it's okay and that as long as it keeps growing I should trigger on Thursday or Friday which means I'll probably ovulate on CD19 which is much better than I was doing on my own. I do wish I had a few 12mm ones in there on Saturday but I'll take the 10mm and keep praying it grows up good and strong! Hey it could be our potential kid I am cultivating in there! :)

All in all my mood has been good, hopeful even. With everything else going on I'm amazed about how calm I am about this whole thing right now.

Yesterday we went to lunch with my mom, brother and his girlfriend. It was nice. We went back to my mom's apartment for a little bit and my brother's girlfriend was asking me how I knew that there were issues. I told her the whole story, then she asked how long we'd been trying and I told her about a year. I think she was kind of shocked to here that. I think my brother was too honestly. But most people don't go off and tell other people they are TTC (like what is it any of their business anyways) so the only time people know they are is when there are problems and it interrupts plans that you have. I suppose I could have been more secretive about the whole thing but the way I figure it is that if people keep thinking good thoughts about us and about us getting pg then maybe all that good thinking and praying and hoping will work more than if it were just me and Ray hoping, and thinking and praying. I don't know.

Anyway, good thoughts for a nice big follie tomorrow!

CD3 Blood Work, Prescriptions and Shots

Oh now the fun REALLY begins.

I got my prescription for Clomid today as well as for Ovidrel. I called up our prescription benefits folks to find out how much for the Ovidrel and she said she didn't know, they had to run all kinds of information before they could give me a price. Okay fine. I asked if it was better if I took the 'script to the pharmacy and she said that it needs to be ordered over the phone. Good thing I called then.

I just hope I hear back from them today because I need it in 9 days to trigger. All my plans got messed up for next weekend because of when good old AF showed up. Couldn't she have been just ONE DAY earlier?? I am supposed to be in NY next weekend for my Grandmother's 80th birthday but now if my body cooperates (oh Lord please let it cooperate) we'll trigger on Saturday and do a post-coital test on Sunday. I don't see the need for the post-coital- I may have some CF issues but I don't think a post-coital will tell them anything. Perhaps I can talk with the Doc about skipping that so that we can actually go to NY on Saturday and see my grandmother and then spend Mother's day with my mom. If this cycle doesn't work out with me getting pregnant there is always next cycle for the post-coital.

My mom was really sweet though. She said "well if you come in on Saturday night where are you staying" and I said "yeah well that's the other reason we kinda didn't want to come up" and she said "oh, right because you'll want to be alone" and I said "that would be nice" and she said "well I can book you a nice hotel room near the airport, you and Ray can be alone all night on Saturday and on Sunday morning" and I was like "you are cute, but that works for us." I feel kinda weird that my whole family (and his too) know our sex habits now. They know when AF is in town- they know everything! I am so whatever about it though because I've been poked, proded and stuck so many times it's hard to keep a secret from people. Even from my mom, dad and sister who live far away. But it is odd, everyone knowing when Ray and I are having sex. LOL

So now we wait until Saturday so I can start the clomid. I can't say I am really looking forward to it as I heard the side effects are pretty nasty. I would like to find a way to increase my CF since I hear that's one of the big side effects of taking it. I'll talk to the girls on my IF forum.

We wait for the fun to begin. Pray I get some nice follies and that our insurance will cover (and be able to send on time) the Ovidrel shot!

Do You Ever Just Wonder

Do you ever wonder if when people say "I'm sorry it's not working out for you" that they really mean "I'm glad it's not working out for you because I am having a hard time and if I'm not happy I don't want anyone to be happy?"

I am not saying anyone who reads this blog feels that way about me. But a girl in one of my buddy groups on an infertility forum I post on was saying that a girl friend of hers just found out she's pregnant after 3 years with IVF. She said she was happy for them but not for another friend who had only been trying for 1 month. She said she was upset with the couple who was only trying for one month because it was so easy for them.

Sometimes I catch myself feeling that way too. Like, it isn't fair when it happens so easily. Or when I hear about yet another 15 year old who got herself "accidentially" knocked up. All of Ray's cousins (or wives) got pregnant on the first try, or when they weren't trying and I find myself resenting them, avoiding baby showers and pictures.

I don't want to be like that. I want to be happy for a person just because they are choosing to bring a child into the world. I want to be thrilled that they did that and be happy for them. But all I ever think is "why not me?"

And then there is the other thing I think about and that's the people who are having trouble, or who have had trouble. I think maybe they aren't as supportive of other infertile couples as they seem to be. Like we are all supposed to be thrilled when one of "us" gets pregnant but what if someone has been experiencing IF for 2 years and other 1 year and the one who was experiencing IF less time gets pregnant first...there has to be a lot of anger with the person who's been trying for two years...you know?

Or those girls that already had a baby and are experiecing so-called "secondary infertility"- sometimes I get so upset and think "but they already have ONE, I don't even have that." Or the even rarer breed of women who get pregnant after infertility and then don't want anyone else to be pregnant, whether infertile or not because it was so hard for them.

I just want to be okay with the way things are going for us now. I don't want to be "upset" that someone had an easy go of it. It's nice that there are people in the world who don't have to worry about this kind of stuff. If a girl friend of mine gets pregnant, whether trying or not, whether experiencing issues or not I am going to resolve, right here and now, to be happy for them. I won't allow my pain to create uncomfortable relationship with people.

I know I am better than that.

On to something else. We got Ray's SA results back from the RE. Pre-wash was okay about 15m (should be closer to 20m), 34% motile (should be closer to 50%), 47% normal forms (WHO 4th says at least 14% so we are really good there), 5.2ml (anything about 2.5 is awesome). Post-wash the motility went up to 45% and the count went to 7m which is actually really good the lab tech said. So if we want to do IUI we can, don't have to go straight into IVF (thank goodness). But I think we decided on an au naturale cycle this month and next month. We'll discuss IUI come July.

I have my fingers crossed that my CD12 u/s will show at least two nice follies for me to ovulate. I don't want to have to max out on clomid and because I am ovulating again on my own I don't think we'll need to go past 100 (at least I hope not). I have hope this cycle.

Tomorrow is my CD3 bloodwork and I get to pick up my 'script for the clomid and start taking it on Friday!

I think we all know how this ends

I started spotting...

cramps and spotting- AF will be here tomorrow.

Needless to say Ray had to get me to stop crying. And while i knew this was the way it was going to end I am still so hurt.

I guess we have to just suck it up and move on to the stupid IF treatments, that I REALLY REALLY didn't want to have to do. Blood tests and medication and all kinds of stuff that takes the enjoyment and fun out of TTC.

Ray is so supportive, he's convinced that we'll get pregnant this month once I start taking the clomid and they can tell me exactly when I'll ovulate. But even with all that I just don't think I'll ever get pregnant. I just don't think my body wants to. maybe I don't want to. I don't know.

I am going to do my best to pull it together tonight so I can go to work and be okay tomorrow. We have so much stuff to do right now that I can't let this affect me the way it is.

Thanks for the support though and all the good luck and wishes. I'll be back once we get this cycle started on clomid and I have something to blog about.

So A Funny Thing

AF isn't here. Not even spotting. My temps went up this morning?? I think my chart is wrong.

I'm a skeptic I guess. I won't test! I can't bare to see the negative result even with decent temps. I'll wait until Monday unless AF shows by then (and she will).

I can make it through the weekend (I think) besides I only have one test at home and I don't want to waste it on this cycle when I feel we had no chance. Our timing was great if I ovulated 14 days ago, it was okay if I ovulated 12, not so great at 11 days or less.

Only time will tell I guess. Wait wait wait. That's the fun part. Still having cramps and craving sweets (not like me at all) but I am still sure she'll show tomorrow or sunday at the latest!

Well Okay then

Who's been waiting for an update??

So, I wish I could say that interesting things are happening. Truth is, nothing is happening. I am 12DPO today. Tomorrow should be the last day of my typical LP (that's Luteal Phase, Mel) and I should have dear old AF on Friday.

I am 99.99% sure that AF will show on Friday because I've been experiencing acne, chocolate cravings and terrible headaches. All 100% sure signs of impending AF. I am okay with it. I just want to move onto our medicated IUI cycles already. I want to stop playing this "did we time it right" game and I want to be sure that a doctor is monitoring what we are doing. As odd as that seems. At least I know I'll actually have a chance if a doctor is doing SOMETHING for us.

In the meantime we wait for my period to come. Ray's next SA is Monday the 28th and there is a good chance I'll have my CD3 blood work on the same day- so that worked out. I'll pick up my clomid prescription on the same day as the bloodwork and then wait for CD5 to start taking it. CD10 through mature follies (whatever day that happens to be) we'll be in for AM ultrasounds and then probably an hCG trigger followed by IUI (if we choose it). Should be Fun?

That's all from here. I'll post again on Friday to let you know how bad AF is being to me. Hopefully she'll be nice :).