A Follow-up

Thanks for all the support ladies. I was worried about saying something that might offend the folks that read this blog but I think you all sorta understand where I am coming from.

Meghan, I completely understand your point. I do know what it's like to hear someone complain that it took them "so long" to conceive when it really only took them a few tries. One of Ray's cousin was like that- I just had to learn to ignore it. It's hard but I couldn't let myself be angry about her inconsiderateness (is that a word??). And what she was saying was inconsiderate. But I had to chalk it up to her not completely understand "our world"- the world of infertility, the frustration that we feel daily etc etc. I just had to "let go" of it in a way. I am not saying it was easy to just ignore it (it wasn't) but I had to so that I stayed SANE.

I am not perfect about it by any stretch. I still have my moments. I'll give you an example. This past weekend we saw many of Ray's cousins at his Aunt and Uncle's home in Pittsburgh. Three of the cousins have babies, all under a year old. Not a single one of them had issues getting pregnant. The cousin who got pregnant on accident last year who is unmarried and still lives at home where her parents take care of the kid 80% of the time was there. At one point Ray's aunt picked the baby up and moved her over to the highchair and Ray's cousin (the baby's mom) said "where are you taking her?" and Ray's aunt said "to her highchair it's time for you to feed her"- She had to REMIND her to feed her own daughter. I was throughly disgusted. Here we were having tried for a year, waiting to get the chance to do what she was totally taking for granted. I had to leave the room. But the best was the complaints about L&D. At that point I told them flat out "I'm ignoring whatever it is your are saying so feel free to talk about it but I'm not listening to you." As if a little pain and discomfort of birth is anything compared to the pain and discomfort we suffered through trying to get pregnant in the first place...(I do have to say this though- the wife of the cousin we are close to and who really knew how much crap we'd been through did not participate in the L&D conversation nor did she really complain about pregnancy, child rearing or anything. Both her and her DH are extremely considerate of us).

So you see- just because I can be enlightened most of the time doesn't mean I am all the time. It's still difficult. I still feel like I want to punch some of Ray's cousins who complain but for the most part I just think of them as ignorant to fertility issues and so I can't really blame them.

It takes time, it takes lots of understanding, and for me lots of prayers. We had a great support system with our immediate families and with our close friends and that made this whole last year of trying and coming to terms with infertility easier because there were people out there who did know and who did understand (or try to understand) what was going on.

In a lot of ways my reason for the post was not to try and get IF women to see and feel the way I do but rather to consider the kind of person/people they have become through this journey...

Anyway I appreciate all the comments. I'll be back with "how is Clumpy doing" posts this week. :)

Something To Say

I have a lot on my mind today but first, Megan I wanted to address your question about us finding out the sex. Yes, we are going to but I don't think we are going to tell anyone. What fun is that you ask? We want to know so that we can be prepared and, of course, only have to think of two girl names or two boy names rather than two girl names and two boy names. The other reason we aren't telling anyone is because people have the tendency to buy pink or blue when they know they sex and honestly I would rather they not do that. I prefer neutrals really- yellows, greens, light orange colors etc. Pink and Blue are so gender specific and that's not really my style I guess. :)

Second, I wanted to say a HUGE bloggy thanks to Ann for the blanket. Thanks so much Ann it was really thoughtful of you. It is our first real baby gift and it's so soft and cute Ray and I love it. I can't wait to put it into the baby's crib.

And Last, what's been on my mind...

I don't even know if I know how to start this as I don't want to offend my bloggy buddies who have been nothing but supportive of me over the last few years but I need to get something off my chest.

When Ray and I first started this journey off to babyland I was optimistic about our chances for conception. I knew I had health issues (asthma, overweight) but never did I think those health issues were affecting my fertility in an adverse way. It wasn't until I was told "lose weight" and "you have PCOS" that reality started to set in. In all the time I was dealing with hearing the diagnosis and trying to come to terms with things, Ray's cousins were getting knocked up left and right and yeah I was bitter...

Ok, let's be honest, I was extremely bitter, hateful, resentful and plain out MEAN. I attended no family functions, baby showers, birthday parties, Christenings or anything. I ranted and raved about how unfair it all was- why were we being punished. I even went so far as to say that some of them didn't deserve it or that Ray and I would make better parents because we really wanted it...

In retrospect my attitude was absolutely THE WORST and I was becoming a horrible, mean person because of it. One day I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that if I continued to put out negativity into the world that's exactly what I was going to get back. I don't think me being negative had anything to do with us not conceiving but it certainly didn't help matters much. At some point I resolved to be okay with other women and their fertility, realizing (as hard as it was) that their fertility, their parenting style, their ability to even be a good parent, was not stopping us from having a baby. I had to realize that God (or whomever) just didn't work that way.

Why am I bringing this up now...now that I am pregnant and it's completely irrelevant? It's a strange thing. I belong to a forum (I've mentioned it here before) of women who are TTC/TTA/going through IF or going through losses. Someone put together a post about Michele Duggar (the woman who has 18 children) and how "unfair" it is that she gets to pop out kid after kid while some women can even have one. It was a bitter and nasty post filled with self-congratulations about what a fantastic mother this person would be and how horrible it is that Mrs. Duggar makes her older children raise the younger ones and blah blah blah...

The post angered me. I don't know why but it did. The post was made on the Infertility and Loss section of the forum. A place I rarely, if ever, visit (for many reasons not the least of which is that I like to stay positive and reading about other people's loss makes me very sad and it makes me worry). The post was so negative I felt like someone needed to in there and say "hey listen what does it matter if she has 50 more kids, your hatred for her doesn't make you a better more loving person it makes you bitter and mean." Nothing that I wrote in that post was directed at anyone specifically. It really was just a "hey look at who you are becoming is that the kind of person you want to be?" I got a PM from someone who read my post and asked me to "reconsider" what I wrote. I opted not to.

Maybe that makes me a terrible person or whatever but I really believe that if we are going to grow from tragic experiences (and IF and loss is TRAGIC and don't let anyone tell you differently) then blaming other women's good fortune is not the way to grow. Can I be a little annoyed at the Duggars for making the older kids raise the younger ones- maybe. It isn't something I'd do but heck if I am going to let ANYONE in the universe question how I parent my kid. She's in the public eye so somehow that makes it okay...it doesn't but this is what people believe.

I need to say this people because I've been there...just because we suffered through infertility or loss (or both) does not mean we are going to automatically be better parents, better people or love our children more than those who did not struggle or did not experience loss. These people who have no trouble with conception may not have had to fight as hard but it does not mean they are any less loving, wonderful, compassionate and truly grateful people to have their children in their lives. And if I have to be totally honest with all of you- I would have gladly given up the years of infertility I experienced to already have my baby in my arms (I know most of you would agree). Just because we share this terrible journey of infertility does not give us the right to be judgmental and self-righteous. It does not make us better people if the people we have become are self-absorbed, bitter and angry towards other women!

I am sure I probably offended a bunch of people here. I am sorry for that but it seems to me that there is a sense of entitlement among infertile women, a sense of "I'm better than you are because look what I had to go through" and it saddens me that we are bringing down our sisters by using divisive and judgmental language.

I guess that's all I wanted to say...

Knocking on the Door

To the next trimester that is. Today I am 12w3d! Only a few more days to go to get out of this trimester. In truth though I believe everything is fine.

Yesterday was our NT scan. It went well. Baby's measuring on time it seems (though the u/s tech did not give me a measurement) and the heartbeat was 158- this time though it sounded more like a heartbeat and less like a swishing noise. It was awesome to hear it again. The tech watched our baby for 30 minutes it was great although baby was being pain in the assy and wanted to be lazy. The only time baby moved was when I laughed, other than that it seems baby was content to just lay back and grow without too much movement. I said baby takes after Ray. LOL (he didn't find that as amusing as I did).

Anyway, u/s tech and doc say baby is looking good- the NT was 1.4 (which is apparently normal) with a normal nasal bone (also good) but I won't know the final results of the screening until they get my bloodwork complete- so a few weeks from now. Hopefully before I see the Ob in two weeks.

Mom and I went shopping over the weekend because, although 3/4 of the jeans I own are too big for me (even now) the way they are cut makes the extremely uncomfortable to wear, especially when I am sitting. So I purchased some maternity jeans (SOOO COMFY). I will probably wear them on Friday when we go to Knobel's.

That's another thing. My MIL & FIL expressed concern about me traveling with them on Friday to the park. Apprently they think I am going to be miserable due to the heat and traveling time. That on top of the fact that the following day we were supposed to go a family reunion in South West PA and then travel up to Pittsburgh after the reunion was over. My total in the car for the weekend would be somewhere in the neighborhood of 12 hours spread over 3 days. I was not the least bit concerned. I do well in the car typically, especially if I can sleep. My in-laws know nothing about my car traveling habits really...but anywho we agreed to skip the reunion and just go to Knobel's and Pittsburgh (leaving late Saturday night instead of early Saturday morning for the reunion). Honestly, I think I should be the one to assess my own issues with this pregnancy. I mean I pregnant for goodness sakes not disabled. I can make my own decisions on what is or is not good for me and baby. I just think it's a bit obsessive but I suppose I understand their concern about it.

Anyway, hopefully us saying we are skipping the reunion will be enough for them to "allow" me to go on the trip to Knobels (something I look forward to each year) if not---I guess Ray and I will both be sitting at home doing nothing.

Nuchal Scan and Crazy Dreams

Anyone who knows me knows that I never can remember a single dream I've ever had. But lately (must be something about pregnancy) I've been having some interesting ones. Last nights was by far the most strange.

I dreamed that we had the baby, like yesterday (yeah 11w pregnant I know not possible) and that the baby was perfectly fine, healthy no problem. I remember being in the hospital but not the birth, like I kept saying but I don't remember giving birth to the baby, and my sister and Ray would say "we were there it happened" so I had to believe them. The thing is because the baby was so early we had nothing for her (and it was clearly a girl with black hair [fyi I have light brown hair and Ray is a red-head], blue eyes and somewhat dark skin) and my sister didn't have time to give me a baby shower. Even better is that my Doctor didn't deliver her it was the ONLY male Ob in her whole practice (which is odd since there are like 6 women and only one guy chances are I'll end up with either my Dr or one of the ladies) Isn't that the strangest thing?? I am sure it just means that I am nervous that we won't be ready when the baby comes but it seems so early to start stressing about that...

ANYWAY, on to other stuff. This coming monday is our Nuchal scan. I am not worried about it. I am sure our kiddo is fine and dandy in there. I know this is terrible but the main reason we are doing it is so that I have another picture of the baby and also because I want to see him/her again. I realize it's only been a week (plus) since we saw the baby at the Doc's appt but it's so hard not knowing what's going on in there. Hopefully everything is fine. After seeing and hearing the heartbeat last week I do feel a little bit more confident that things are going to be great and we'll be taking home our kidlet in Feb.

Well, that's all for me, for now.

Swish Swish Swish

That's what the baby's heartbeat sounded like yesterday at the Doctor's appointment.

Obviously, it all went well. Ray and I got the chance to see little Clumpy all movin' and groovin' inside of me. Heartrate was around 150 and you could see little limbs and everything. The baby almost looked human- more so than the previous u/s. The best part was hearing the little heartbeat. The doctor had a bit of time locating it because the baby kept moving around-she would find it and then baby would move and she couldn't find it. But Ray and I both got to hear it and that was the absolute best part!

I also had my annual exam and learned that I have Group Strep B and was put on antibiotics. Good thing too because I noticed today that I have the beginnings of a UTI. So they caught it really early. I have to do the GTT early (around 14 weeks) since I was diagnosed PCOS w/ insulin resistance. They just want to make sure they monitor me more heavily. I appreciate that. I hope I don't end up with gestational diabetes.

I am still feeling sick every once in a while-mostly just tired in the afternoons but it is getting a little better, I guess. The doctor asked me if I was still taking the progestrone suppositories and I told her I stopped at 9 weeks, she said "good because you definitely do not need them" I was like "w00t" in the office.

I have to tell you girls how much I love this doctor. She seems more like a friend than a doctor and I think it's great! I am so happy that she may be delivering our little baby! :)

Our next group of stuff is the Nuchal scan and AFP bloodwork which I have to call Sinai about. Then our next appointment with the Ob is in 4 weeks.

I am noticing my clothing getting tigher (in otherwords they fit now) but no one else can tell but me (good thing). I imagine in about 3 or 4 weeks it will be more obvious but I am not in any rush to let people know what's going on unless they ask directly.

Ok that's all from here. Figured I owed you folks and update!

*Yawn*

What can I say? Nothing, and I do mean nothing, has been going on with me lately. Just the usual tiredness, nausea, sore tatas. What else can I say it's hard waiting for stuff to happen.

I am slowly noticing a change in the way my clothes are fitting. Because I should have gone down to a 12 right at the time I found out I was pregnant all my size 14 are still 'big' just not as big as before. I no longer need to wear a belt with them in other words. I am filling them out. According to my scale I have gained about 2 to 3 lbs-which isn't bad actually. I am trying to keep it less than 170 until the next trimester (right now I am about 167) when I am sure I will gain a whole lot. I really want to keep the weight gain around 25 lbs. It will make it so much easier to lose after our Clumpy is here.

In the mean time I've just been trying to remain positive since the waiting is so hard. We have 5 more days until my first real Ob appointment and then we'll have to schedule the 11w downs scan. I am nervous about that scan, not because I am worried that Clumpy is going to be downs positive but because we haven't seen her/him for a while and I have no idea what's going on in there. I just hope her/his little heart is still beating away in there and all the limbs and brain and all the body parts are growing how they should.

I haven't had any cramping or bleeding incidences and so far I still feel decidely pregnant so---I think we are okay but it's hard not to be nervous about this kind of stuff. I am excited to see my Doctor though and see what she has to say.

That's it from here. I am trying to keep my breakfast down while simultaneous reviewing advertising (oh the fun of it).

A Prayer to St. Gerard

It the past few months my Church going has waned considerably. Actually in the last year we've been really bad about attending Mass. Something always seems to "come up" which is really bad, I know. I always felt happiest at Church though- it gave me a sense of peace maybe. I just knew that God would provide for us there and in the rest of our lives just by taking 1 hour out of each week to give thanks to Him.

Of course, I still feel He provides for us just we spend less time thanking Him than we used to. Not such a great thing.

I don't consider myself a religious zealot or even anything close to that. I barely consider myself religious at all. I grew up in a pretty normal home- we attended Mass every Sunday of course, I was in CCD and did all that stuff but my parents weren't "involved" in the Church and I didn't go to Catholic school or anything. I would say, by and large, we were your typical Catholic family.

In CCD you learn your Sacraments- what they mean, why you do them. You learn about Jesus and Mary etc etc. Same things you would learn in most Christian religious instruction, I would think. The difference is of course the learning about the Saints of the Catholic church. Ann mentioned St. Anthony in one of her most recent blog posts. St Anthony and I have a LONG history. He's helped me find everything from a lost pen to patience. If I could get Ray to agree to it we'd probably name our first son Anthony. LOL

Catholics have Saints for everything- St Jude for hope, St. Lucy for eyes etc. Someone recently mentioned St. Gerard to me. Apparently he's the Patron Saint of Motherhood/the Unborn. I did some research and found a prayer to recite to him. Each morning when I wake up and each night before going to bed I say a prayer to God (of course), Mary and St. Gerard to protect our baby and the give hope and strength to those women who are suffering infertility or difficult pregnancies. I figure a prayer like that couldn't hurt matters any and it brings me hope, I guess.

The basic prayer to St. Gerard is to request his intercession before God and Mary. I rarely say the one I am going to post, my prayers are usually more free-form. :)

Here is a prayer to St. Gerard to all you soon-to-be mothers/want-to-be mothers out there

O Great Saint Gerard, beloved servant of Jesus Christ, perfect imitator of your meek and humble Savior, and devoted Child of the Mother of God: enkindle within my heart one spark of that heavenly fire of charity which glowed in your heart and made you an angel of love. O glorious Saint Gerard, because when falsely accused of crime, you did bear, like your Divine master, without murmur or complaint, the calumnies of wicked men, you have been raised up by God as the Patron and Protector of expectant mothers. Preserve me from danger and from the excessive pains accompanying childbirth, and shield the child which I now carry, that it may see the light of day and receive the lustral waters of baptism through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.