The closer we are the further we are

I just wanted to give a little update on the few items from last week.

The interview went exceedingly well. I was told they want to see me face to face next Tuesday at 2pm. I was told by the recruiter that someone would get in touch with me this week about it but I have yet to hear anything and so that is worrying me. But to be relatively honest I am fairly happy with my current position so not getting this job is not the end of the world. I could stay here for as long as they want me here. My only reason for applying for the position was that it was with a really great company but other than that the job is basically the same as what I am doing with maybe a little more specificity and challenge. The big draw would be, of course, the pay and benefits and the option to earn a S.eries 7. At this point it’s “wait and see” if they get in touch with me before the end of the week. I imagine if they don’t I’ll have to email the recruiter. I did manage to get my thank you letter sent out yesterday so with any luck that will be enough of a reminder to get in touch.

Regarding the robbery; Ray spoke with the detective on Monday morning. The Balto Co Police think they found my iBook. Apparently they arrested some girl in the area with items linked to another robbery that took place about 4 streets down from us. With those items they found an Apple iBook which matched the description of my iBook. Ray had just located the paperwork/serial information for my iBook so they are looking into it. Additionally, he gave the detective information regarding his xbox (since he had an xbox live account the folks at Microsoft were able to track it). We still need to fill out paperwork but we managed to purchase a new TV last Wednesday (not sure if I mentioned that in the last post).

Clara, sigh, Clara. I swear she's trying to drive me to drink. The past week she has refused to go to bed on time. Finally, last night I took to doing her night time routine a full hour before we normally do it in case she gave me a hard time at least she'd be closer to bed time then the last week. Well that was major fails-ville. She still didn't go to bed until 9:15 and then she wanted me to sit with her. I've had it. I went in there and told her that she was a big girl and she didn't need mommy to sit with her that Daddy and I were both in the living room and would be there if anything happened. When I left she screamed again so I went back in there and told her to give me her pacifier and her monkey and that I was turning off the light and she could sit in the dark (again mean, I know) but it worked (for a change) and she went to sleep. Gah. Then this morning after a mere 8 hours of sleep (so not enough for a toddler) she woke up and screamed for an hour for us to put in Nemo or George or Cars. NOT HAPPENING because, as I have mentioned previously 10 minutes is never enough, heck three hours is never enough-nothing is ever enough basically. So we cut it off completely. I had to fight her getting dressed and she started to go bonkers about that. After I let her fit it out for another 10 minutes (while I got dressed) I finally said "would you like to wear something else?" and she nodded and I said "mommy is happy to help you pick out something else but you must stop crying, can you do that?" she nodded yes. She did stop, she picked out her clothing. I got her dressed, hell I even did her hair and she was fine all the way in the car up to daycare (she nearly fell asleep so I imagine she'll be tired for nap time today). She was also good when I left school (unlike the two previous days when she was screaming bloody murder). We'll see how the sleeping goes tonight. I might have to change the routine a little to get her to go to bed on time. Parenting can be so tiresome.

And lastly about TTC; it looks like according to both my ovusoft chart and FF I ovulated 4 days ago. But my temps are lower than I would expect them to be (around 98-98.2). However, I re-read some of my old blogs from when I got my BFP with Clara and apparently 98-98.3 or so was the range for post-o on that cycle so maybe I did O. It’s a good sign anyway, two ovulatory cycles in a row and O on the same day of the cycle. If I didn’t know any better I’d say the PCOS is under control. HOWEVER, despite the optimism in this paragraph I have made an appointment for us to see the RE on June 27. I would rather go in and say “I just got a BFP, check my shit out” then wait until the end of this cycle with a BFN and not be able to do any testing until the beginning of the next cycle (which wouldn’t be entirely true they could do the SA at least just not the HSG or cd3 b/w). It’s actually pretty perfect the timing of this appointment. I will be CD3 on the day we go in (you know providing I didn’t get pregnant), so we might be able to start right then and there with at least the CD3 b/w, HSG (if she wants to re-do-please no) and SA. Not sure if she’ll put me back on the met/clomid again before the HSG results (if I have to do the HSG at all). I personally would rather skip the met because of the horrendous side effects, I am finding the cinnamon to be a nicer, gentler alternative and I wonder if she’ll just let me continue that instead of jumping right into meds. Also, considering the fact that I am ovulating on my own (watch next cycle will be annovulatory again) I wonder how that will change how she treats us. I think a lot of this will depend on Ray’s SA, my CD3 b/w. I am predicting that this coming up cycle will be all the testing, no monitoring and that the cycle in July is when we’ll actually be doing treatments. More in a couple of weeks, for now we wait.

And TTC isn’t even the half of it

This month has already been both the best month and the worst month, and we’re only 9 days in.

I know this is a TTC blog but I wanted to share more the “best” and “worst” of this week.

First the good stuff. I have a job interview with my dream company. This is an interview I never thought I’d actually get. I had already resigned myself to working where I work for at least another few years, so we can save some money and I could eventually go back to school to become a(n) SLP. That might still happen but in the meanwhile I need to save the money and I need to be good at my job so that maybe I’ll get promoted or a better than 3% increase (our average increase around here- so sad). I’ve been working for the better part of a year on earning insurance designations (anyone in the business knows that there is an insurance education program through L.OMA that requires you to pass courses in order to earn them). I have earned three in the last 14 months and I am on track to complete the highest level designation (known as F.LMI) by the end of Fall to further that end.

All that aside, last week when I had that incident with my co-workers (something I didn’t get into then and don’t plan to now) I had sent a former co-worker an email asking for some advice regarding the situation. At the end of her reply email she told me that the company (the one I am interviewing for) was looking for a Marketing Compliance Analyst (basically my job title only we call the marketing “advertising” here). I really had no intention of applying but I looked at the job description anyway and it looked interesting. (For the record, I know I am being vague but that’s because I don’t want to mention the current company I work for or the company with whom I will be interviewing just in case anyone decides to do a little re-con on my on-line comings and goings.) I took a minute, filled out the information, uploaded a resume and basically said “yeah I’ll never hear from them again”- the company is actually known for its extremely stringent hiring practices and the glacial pace at which it conducts interviews and follow-ups. So imagine my utter shock that less than 24 hours after I submitted my information I received an email from their HR department asking me what my availability for a phone interview would be next week. The interview will take place at 5pm next Monday. I’ve been prepping for it the entire week because it’s been 6 years since I did any kind of interviewing at all whatsoever. I am very rusty. One last thing- if we are f.acebook friends I would very much appreciate you not saying anything on my page. Both my boss and unit director are my facebook "friends" and considering that this job is hardly a done deal I’d like to keep them from really knowing about it. Also you can feel free to send me a little personal message on f.acebook if you are just dying to know which company it is that I’ll be interviewing with. So, yeah that was the really good and awesome thing that happened to me this week (that was Tuesday).

On the same exact day that all that awesome shit happened, the absolute most horrendous thing happened too. Our house was broken into and most of stuff was stolen. In short the thieves took our 46” flat screen 1080p HD TV, three laptops (including an Apple iBook), my iTouch, Ray’s PSP and his Xbox360. We came home to our door wide open and our Siamese cat looking out the door like “wtf just happened.” Not sure what part of the day it took place but I am glad both our cats had the good sense to hide and stay inside. We, of course, called the police and they determined that they got in through the back window (we don’t usually leave those windows open [they have screens] because they are on the porch and do pose a security risk), took the stuff and then left. I think there were two of them and I think they were young. They didn’t take my jewelry, our brand new dyson dc23, my iiadro collection or my Waterford crystal vases (you know the expensive shit was basically left). I mean I have gold bracelets and necklaces up in my jewelry box that because of the price of gold are worth 3 and 4 times more than all the stuff they took put together. Some of the iiadro pieces I have are worth more now than when I bought them. I mean they took three 8 year old (or older) laptops, a four year old tv, a two year old iTouch, a four year old Xbox and a three year old PSP- all of which has devalued significantly from their initial purchases. Even the dyson which is brand spanking new (the box was still in the living room for heaven’s sake) was worth more than all three of those laptops combined. But you know it’s not the money value of the things lost, it’s knowing that my neighborhood isn’t necessarily safe anymore, that at some point something could happen to us again or one of our neighbors. We bought a new TV yesterday because I just couldn’t stand to look at the empty space any more and have it be a reminder of what happened. At the same time I am not constantly worried that we’ll be victimized again because of it. Over time I know this feeling will fade a little and we’ll eventually replace all the stolen items but I am not sure I’ll ever feel the same way about my home again.

AND on that note we’ll move on to the guts of this blog which is, of course, TTC(A). Today is CD15 and I expect O to happen within the next day or two (if the pattern holds). I can tell you the CF is fairing nicely and based on that I can tell I am close. So we’ve been trying to take advantage despite the break-in. I think it would turn out to be an overall pretty awesome month if we ended up pregnant. But again I am not counting on it. I can say for sure that if O doesn’t happen by the end of the weekend Monday morning I am on the phone to RE’s office. That was already determined. If I do O I might still call because with the spotting low progesterone I would rather we get monitored and put on progesterone again than risk losing the pregnancy because of it. Only time will tell.

Clara is doing okay, the break-in didn’t phase her (why would it really?) She’s been getting better about her fits (thankfully) but I know because of the recent heat she hasn’t been able to play outside while at school and I think it affects her sleeping. She’s still taking 2 to 3 hour naps in the afternoon but her nighttime habits are getting worse. We pushed back her bedtime to 9pm but now it’s getting later and later. Last night it was closer to 9:15 when we finally got her down and she woke up at 5:45, that’s not enough sleep for a 2.5 year old. Tonight I am going to try doing all her stuff at 8:30, instead of 8:45 so this way she can “snuggle” with me for the last 15 minutes before bed (she like to do that and because it’s only a few minutes it doesn’t hurt anyone, she still walks herself to her bedroom and goes to sleep on her own so, I am not worried that I am creating a bad habit for her). Hopefully we can get her to go to bed around 8:30 at some point without her getting up at 5am too. That’s going to be the real challenge.

Well hopefully the next time I write we’ll be in the TTW again. Hope everyone has a wonderful week.

P.S for Trish- an acronym primer:

TTC= Trying to Conceive
PCOS= Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
LP= Luteal Phase
EWCM= Egg-white Cervical Mucous (most fertile cervical mucous)
CM/CF= Cervical Mucous/Cervical Fluid
BBT= Basal Body Temperature
IF= Infertility
PIO= Progesterone in Oil
AF= Aunt Flo (aka your period)
CD#= Cycle Day
#DPO= Days past ovulation
MFI= Male Factor Infertility
SA= Semen Analysis
RE= Reproductive Endocrinologist (the doc that specializes in infertility)
IR= Insulin Resistant (usually in combination with PCOS)
BCP= Birth Control Pills
O=Ovulation

And just because I mentioned them in the last two posts
L.OMA= Life Office Management Association (an organization designed to help Life Insurance professionals gain knowledge regarding the industry by enrolling them in courses that allow them to obtain designations)
F.LMI= Fellow, Life Management Institute (highest designation awarded by L.OMA)

I know there are a few others in this post but I won’t be using them again-except maybe WTF and TMI but I am sure you know those.

What can I say, really?

It's been an interesting week. And not good interesting. Most of it has nothing at all to do with TTC/IF/Family crap. It's all work related BS. And that's what it is BULL SHIT. I don't even want to get into it really but rest assured that those girls who were the bitches in high school are still those same, nasty, catty, immature bitches in the workplace. Some people never change. You wish they would get their much deserved comeuppance but it never fucking happens. Life is so unfair that way.

Moving on. I started taking B6 and drinking Green tea along with the cinnamon tea and prenatals plus extra folic acid I was taking already. The purpose of the B6 is, supposedly, to lengthen the LP. I've done B6 before with no results so I am not expecting a change here either. I would like to reduce the spotting to only one day before AF shows, that would give me some hope that I am producing my own progesterone. But given the PCOS, low progesterone is par for the course here. I think the only way to help that is either PIO, suppository or a prescribed cream.

The green tea is supposed to help with CF and goodness I've already seen a big improvement there. AF took a hike around CD5 (yippy), and yesterday I was pretty dry but today I had EWCM with pink tinge. So strange at CD7 to have any kind of real CF. Color me excited. I think I am just gearing up again because, again, I can feel my ovaries going on overdrive. I know I ovulated from the right side last cycle and it looks like that's where it will come from again (hopefully), even though I am feeling more left sided pain this time around than last time.

I am also hoping we'll be able to make more time to have sex. Last time our timing could have been better if we had done what we needed to the day before, day of, and day after. Not sure it would have helped considering the mild MFI issues we have going on but at the same time it probably wouldn't have hurt either. Perhaps this is all a little TMI but I need to write it out.

Everything, save the weight loss, seems to be going pretty well. I am trying to remain unstressed by the work related bullshit and just put my mind into TTC and getting my FLMI for work (three more tests to go!!!!!!!!)

That's really it until something happens- which with any luck should be in a week and a half or so. Until next week. :)

Moving on

I decided to take Ann's advice and not beat myself up (thanks Ann, for always being a good friend to me). I think part of my problem is just being hopeful. I am not an optimist by nature. I like to say I am pragmatic but Ray says no, I am a true pessimist. I think pessimist is extreme but, it might be more accurate. If there is something between pragmatism and pessimism that would be my life philosophy. We'll call it chrissyism.

After my emotional breakdown on Wednesday (my cycle actually fully started on Thursday for those of you keeping track of my chart) Ray and I had a nice long chat. I figure I can keep going if I know at some point we'll get help and it won't be in 6 or 7 months, that it will be sooner rather than later. He told me he wants to stick it out "see what happens" not "rush" to force my body with meds etc. I honestly think he wants to avoid doing another SA, which is eye-rolling to say the least. I know his last experience with the SAs were terrible but I told him that we'd be with the RE from the start and so the conditions in which he'd have to do his business wouldn't be like they were the first time around. I also told him that there would be a chance he wouldn't have to do it again.

After much discussion he asked me why I was so desperate to go back. I told him that I really think that this cycle was a fluke and that future cycles waiting for ovulation are a waste of time. He thinks that because I've lost more weight and that the cinnamon tea is helping he doesn't want to just give up. All that stuff is helping, of course, but how consistently remains to be seen. I still have PCOS that's the shit that won't change, so I can drink 10 cups of tea a day, and lose 25 more lbs and it might not make any more difference now than it did. This cycle isn't indicative of anything, IMHO.

He said he still wanted to see how this cycle went and then I could call. I asked him if that meant I had to wait until i started bleeding again because that could be 40 or 50 days from now, if I don't ovulate. I told him I wasn't willing to wait that long and that if he didn't want to be a willing partner with me that we could just stop the whole thing right now. He said he wasn't trying to force an all or nothing just that he didn't want to run back there if my body was in fact working. I said I am not waiting for the next cycle to start because I don't know if that will be in 30 days or 60 days- producing nothing but agony as I go through the cycle. Then he asked me at what point would I know the cycle was a 'bust' so i told him honestly within 20 days. He basically agreed to compromise after that and said that if nothing is happening within 20 days I could call and set up our appointment.

So as it stands now, I am charting this cycle for the next 20 days to see what, if anything, happens. Let's just say I am not holding my breath for a repeat. But in case it does happen I'll consider it a good thing (obviously). To be clear I still wouldn't think that me O'ing two cycles in a row would be indicative of anything and it certainly wouldn't prove him right (because it just wouldn't). If nothing happens (as I suspect nothing will), I'll make the call the morning of the 20th day and set up the appointment. In the meanwhile, I am back to once a week update here on the blog.

Thanks for all the Thoughts and Prayers and support and comfort- it means a lot.

How Do You Convince Yourself It Will Be Okay?

CD1 has arrived and let’s just say the bloom is off this rose for sure. I wanted so much for this to be the cycle so I could avoid the inevitable crap that comes with PCOS. I wanted to convince myself that I would be happy even without being pregnant because my body finally cooperated but at the same time I knew I’d be crying.

Now I have to steel myself for the next go round, the hoping and the praying that maybe we’ll have normal cycles. Hoping and praying that even if I do ovulate again without meds that the spotting this time was a fluke (not likely based on my previous test which required me to take a progesterone suppository in order to stay pregnant with Clara). It’s like a big list of unknowns and I fucking hate it!

Why am I doing this to myself again? Why am I letting myself get all worked up about TTC. I feel like this shit just never seems to go our way. Yeah, I know it’s the first cycle so how could I expect anything better but at the same time there are billions of women who get pregnant without a problem right out of the gate. WHY CAN’T I BE ONE OF THEM?

It’s hard not to be angry or upset about this kind of thing. Seriously, the only thing I want to do is be freakin’ NORMAL. Why is that too much to ask? Why do I have to make myself sick with worry that on top of everything else I might have a problem with progesterone?

Do you know that ALL of the women who had babies with me at work (i.e the ones who shared the pumping room with me) all have second kids now? ALL OF THEM. Did you know that all the babies that were first borns in Clara’s Infant I class at daycare all have siblings for their children now- ALL OF THEM. I feel like my life is a big joke and everyone is laughing but me.

Yeah, I am feeling sorry for myself- Big Time sorry for myself. Our friends who have a 1 year old told me a month ago they are about to start trying again and I just know she’ll be pregnant next month and I’ll still be waiting to see what my body decides to do. This shit SUCKS SO HARD. I just keep setting myself up for disappointment after disappointment.

It’s so hard to just convince myself that this cycle was a step in a positive direction because in the back of my mind I know there is something else wrong, even without the PCOS. Do I make the call now? Do I wait? Do I give up? I want to give up, sad as that seems, pathetic as that is, I just want to run away give up the whole thing and BE OKAY with it. But I won’t be, I know I won’t be. And yet it’s just too much for me right now.

Imma Hafta Disappoint

No, I didn't test, and no AF hasn't arrived but- let's just say I am not optimistic about the cycle. I am posting today to let you folks know that I probably won't test (if I even need to test) until Friday. I just didn't want anyone showing up here tomorrow expecting a post with a result. Chances are my result will be "AF is here" and we'll be On To Another Cycle. I will say this, if AF shows tomorrow (could be today as my temps were down pretty significantly this morning, though still above the "cover line") I will probably post.

I have mixed feelings about this cycle. On the one hand I am super thrilled that I ovulated on my own and that my temps stayed pretty constant and high for a full (hopefully if I don't get my period today) 13 days. I am concerned about the spotting though since it could indicate a different problem but, I am hoping that was just because of the BC. But of course I am disappointed that AF is around the corner and that this wasn't the cycle. Honestly though it would have been a miracle for us to get pregnant this cycle. And even though I told myself I wouldn't get my hopes up for having another January baby (seriously the due date would have been the same week as Clara's) I, of course, did because that's just how I am.

I'll leave the rest of my thoughts for either tomorrow or Friday.

HA!

I added a link to my Fertility Friend Chart to the side bar of this blog, just because. Normally, there wouldn’t be much to show in a chart like mine, since with the PCOS it would be all wonky temps and non-matching CM and other fertility signs. But, for some reason after I wrote last Wednesday’s post my body got the message that “hey we could work if we want” and so, you will see that it did. That makes today 7DPO. A minor miracle if I do say so myself.

Ray asked me this morning what he thought our chances were this cycle. I told him timing was pretty good so I’d say 75%. That’s about what it would/should be in any normal cycle. I didn’t tell him that though- he thinks it is all him-LOL. Boys! ;)

I don’t want to get too excited, since there is a pretty decent chance that nothing happened here. I am happy though because at least my body did something right. Will the pattern continue? Will I be “normal” again? There are no early pregnancy signs to speak of because, well, at 7DPO how could there be really. I think if I am going to obsess over signs I’ll wait until at least 10 or 11DPO to make that call. When I was pregnant with Clara the only symptom/sign I had was severe cramping about three to four days before my cycle was due.

I know you are wondering if I’ll test early. I am really going to resist. Seeing a stark white negative test would probably kill me. I’d rather AF show up then deal with that, honestly. I know that just because I get a negative test at first doesn’t mean I won’t test positive later but why do that to myself? Why not just wait until the day my cycle is due if my temps are still up? It serves me no purpose to test early. What does that mean for those of you reading this blog? That means, if my LP is the exact correct length, if my temp is still up next Thursday you will be the first to see what the outcome is. Is the suspense killing you yet? :P

If I have to pinpoint why things went well in this cycle it’s because of weight loss combined with this decaf cinnamon tea that I drink. Without really know how it would affect me I started drinking this tea. The tea is very good and it was actually the only reason I drank it (it doesn’t need any sugar, it’s naturally sweet because the cinnamon is sweet). For the last few months I have been trying to cut down on sugar and sugar substitutes (since they give me migraines) and I almost always put sugar in my coffee (milk too) which is added calories and not good for IR PCOS folks (or my continued and still needed weight loss). Then I came across this tiny little study (this is linked to the SoulCysters forum but the text is from Science Direct not sure what journal it was published in) that linked the taking of cinnamon with better blood glucose levels. What’s even more interesting is that it doesn’t need to be a huge amount, in a dose as low as 1g daily will do it. Well I drink 4 cups of this cinnamon tea a day (again it is decaf) this is easily 3g of cinnamon and I have been doing this for the last 4 months, the time for efficacy is actually 8 weeks. Is that awesome? Now, can I say for sure that this was the tipping point for why I actually ovulated this month? No but I think the BCP, combined with additional weight loss and the added boost from the cinnamon surely didn’t hurt. Right?

And to leave you on a separate, but much related note, we went to Mass this Sunday and after Communion during my silent prayer time I said a prayer for my grandmother who is very sick right now. In addition I also prayed to St Gerard. Not for me necessarily, because well that’s not how it’s supposed to be. I actually was thinking more about Ray’s two cousins. His older cousin suffered two miscarriages and is currently pregnant with a sticky baby. We are so excited for her but I know how devastated she must have felt suffering through those miscarriages. His other cousin (it’s actually his cousin in law) was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in her 12th week of pregnancy with her third baby. According to her gyn oncologist the lump they removed is a slow acting tumor- they couldn’t determine where it came from or how it would metastasize. The good news is that she won’t have to have a hysterectomy but the doctors aren’t sure if she’ll be able to have more children naturally. Both of these women deserve the prayers and intercessions of St. Gerard, as well as the many women who suffer from miscarriage, cancer and other forms of infertility.

Stay tuned for next Thursday when we find out whether or not this cycle panned out.