Thursday, June 3, 2010

Oh Well...

I am having one of those days. You know the kind of day where you think “this isn’t fair?”

So if you read my last post you know that Ray and I have a somewhat set plan for Baby #2. And providing it all goes the way it should I think the plan will work out rather nicely. Plus if we are lucky and Ray ends up with a better paying job things might get started sooner. Although, if I have to be honest I doubt it will happen.

Anyway, one of the attorneys in my office who had a baby 2.5 months before I had Clara just told me she’s expecting #2. I am not surprised. I just had a feeling that any day now she was going to announce her pregnancy. Somehow, I have this weirdo intuition about these things.

It’s not that I want to rush our well thought out plan. Nor do I want to throw us into a difficult financial situation (it wouldn’t be life ending but it would be very tight) but part of me is so “not fair.” We actually have to wait for our savings account to have more money and loans to be paid off before we can even consider another baby. Not just because of the finances associated with putting a second kiddo in daycare/feeding/diapers but because of the treatments I will inevitably have to go through in order to get baby #2.

I like this attorney. She has always been super nice to me and friendly. I don’t have an issue with anyone to be honest. But things still sometimes rub me the wrong way. I am not sure how many people in my office know the struggle we went through to get pregnant, I am not sure I really want them to know. After all it is personal business. But she asked me so casually “so any company for Clara?” and I said “not right now, probably not for a while actually” and, I know she was asking innocently but then she said “oh, why not?” and I said “a few reasons; first, I had a difficult time getting pregnant to begin with and I am not looking forward to starting that process again because of both time and expense and secondly, daycare isn’t cheap and I have to find a way to pay for two.” And she kind of just shrugged and said “it will all work out.” I like her optimism but she has that luxury- she’s a corporate attorney who probably makes twice what I make and her husband is an architect who probably makes twice what Ray makes. So I am sure they can afford to have many more children. But where I am, it’s not possible. Even if it is something I want.

I try not to let myself feel bad about stuff like this. I know we are doing what is on best interest emotionally and financially. But still it feels a bit like a kick in the pants that I can’t just do whatever I want whenever I want. I just hope at some point we do get to give Clara a brother or sister. If not, well I guess we’ll be okay either way.