Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Another Day, Another Dr, Another Appointment

So, we are back to square 1 on this whole baby thing.

I got a recommendation for another Ob/Gyn which I will be seeing, along with all my medical records, on January 18. With any luck I'll get some answers.

In the meantime the weight loss continues. I am hoping I will be about 4 to 6 lbs less before I see her. Not sure how feesible that is but, you never can tell with weight loss. I am not going to push myself. Tonight, however, I am going to give my biggest loser workout dvd a try and see how I like it.

Regarding everything else. My period "ended" about a week ago but I am still spotting fairly regularly but at least I am not bleeding everywhere like I was for those three weeks. The bleeding started again when Ray and I had sex on Sunday, I was only bleeding very lightly before that--now the spotting is a bit more. I can't tell if my issue is cervical (nothing in my exams indicates that) uterine (it could be something there based on my u/s that the doc barely looked at or acknowledged) or homrmonal (could also be that). I wonder if I am going to have to insist that the test be run again if she can't give me a better understanding of why I was brushed off so callously with the "lose weight and everything will be okay" line by the other doctor.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

What Do You Do With The Emptiness?

The minutes tick by--tick tock, tick tock. It seems almost endless---this feeling of emptiness.

It never goes away.

From time to time the pain subsides and you convince yourself you can "handle" it. So you fill the emptiness with travel plans and seeing friends and anything else that you can muster. You pretend that the emptiness you feel isn't there. You pretend that everything is okay.

Until one day-it just isn't any more. And life can offer you nothing but harshness and sorrow. And there is no answer and there is no reason. But you wake up and try to remain positive-that today things will be different and maybe, just maybe that emptiness will be gone forever.

The waiting, the hoping, and the longing-these are the worst parts. Who can understand? Who can really know? Every where you look there is another reminder of your failure and the emptiness that seems so pervasive-so real, you can hardly breathe.

There are days when I feel like giving up is the right answer. Shielding myself from all the future pain, letting the emptiness go by pushing it so far inside of me I'll never give it the chance to see the light of day again. Hope is the worst...hope is pain.

And yet for some fucked up reason I keep hoping. I keep thinking "there will be a change" I am doing what I've been asked, I am trying and yet it isn't working. What is wrong with me???

The emptiness always finds me. It never stays away for long. The sadness overwhelms me. There is nothing to be done but lose hope. I can't do that yet because something inside me keeps it alive...the thought-the mere mention of it.

Our life without children the thought is hard to endure...much like the emptiness it creates.

Thursday, November 29, 2007


That's how I feel...totally eh.

Proud of my weight loss but eh about everything else.

December marks our 7th month of trying. And my 6th consecutive month of not ovulating and my 2nd consecutive month of bleeding. Fun, right? Don't you just want to be me?

Now I have these abscesses everywhere again. I am in pain nearly constantly because of them. I've learned to live with the pain, lethargy, fevers, and general disruption to my life they create. What else can I do? I've tried nearly every home remedy out there, no one knows what causes them or how to get rid of them. Ray and I have appointments to see a dermatologist at the end of January. Maybe with more weight loss a doctor will finally take me seriously.

In the meantime, I bleed- heavy, light, heavy, light. I swear tampax made their profits on me this year. I guess that's what I get for skipping my period all those months when I was on HBC. If I knew this was going to happen...ugh.

The baby picture is looking worse and worse as the days go by. Even with weight loss I am not sure I can be helped. I'd like to think that at least a doctor will try and give a crap about me once I hit a BMI lower than 30 but who knows. I've lost all faith in medicine it seems.

I will try and remain as positive as possible but I am not sure how to do that...

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

No New Is Good News

Nothing has changed...

Still bleeding just not terribly.

But I just keep repeating that I am normal. I mean, after all that is what the doctor said, right?

I am not sure what to do any more. Part of me just wants to focus and concentrate on losing enough weight so that if I go back and see the awful doctor again, still having the same issues, I can effectively say "HA- now what?" I think that if I see her again in February with the spotting/bleeding issues, with the lack of ovulation and my weight down about 45 lbs (which is what she expected I needed to do to get my cycles straightened out) she'll start me on clomid and progesterone. But I shouldn't have had to go through all this.

I am still taking my records to an internalist that my MIL recommended but I am waiting until January to do that-so I can take a full day off to prep and I don't have to rush myself around.

Monday is our 2 year anniversary. I wish things were going better TTC wise. I think my frustration and health issues are really affecting my relationship with Ray...physically I am not as affectionate as I used to be, mentally I am so heart-broken I don't feel like being affectionate.

I can't explain it to him because he works just the opposite. When he gets down all he wants to do is kiss and cuddle and be comforted through physical stuff...I just want to be left alone. I know he misses me. I want to be a good wife but it's been so difficult. All I keep thinking about is the bleeding, the pain that I am in and everything else that is going on. I can't make him understand how difficult this is for me.

I am hoping our anniversary will give us a chance to reconnect.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

November Rain

I love the holidays...

I love that it's fall and that our anniversary is coming up.

What I don't love is that this is our two year anniversary. You know the "unoffical" anniversary when people start to ask "so, when can we hear the pitter patter of little feet?" As if they could ask such a question without sounding like they are prying into your personal business...

Last week was my 29th birthday...another birthday where people ask "aren't you getting to the point where you should start thinking about having a family"--it's all coming together all at once.

I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I think the same things. Or worse I think "it will never happen so why try"- this month marks the 5th month of our offically trying--and about 7 months of not really trying and not really preventing either. I suppose I shouldn't be so down about know except for the pesky fact that I haven't ovulated in these last 5 months...and no one but me seems to be concerned with that.

I feel like the hits just keep coming and no one wants to help me fight. Not even Ray. Even though I know, by and large, that isn't true. I just feel alone.

I am not charting (I mentioned this before) because I don't even know how to mark half the stuff that's going on in my body. My BBT hasn't changed in months and all I do is spot, bleed, take a few weeks off...

The fact that I've lost almost 10% of my weight hasn't helped either. And i am screaming mad at the new ob/gyn for missing some important info about my tests. Not to mention I just found out that a woman here at work (who I know through occasional contact) is pregnant and she's at least 100lbs heavier than I am/was. I am not sure what to do any more.

I know I can't focus on other people...I have to focus on me. But it just seems so cold out here in the November Rain!

Monday, October 29, 2007

Chart This

I've given up on charting. I mean what's the point with me not ovulating at all? So even though I've lost nearly 14 lbs-it isn't enough to jump start my body into working again. Maybe there is something to that 10% thing.

In the meantime I feel like some of my health issues are better (breathing and whatnot) but some have remained the same (spotting, cysts etc). I wonder if losing a few dress sizes will help them at all. I can't see it hurting that.

I still haven't really found a doctor to take my records to. Hopefully after the holidays. We'll see what my body does in the mean time.

Then again God works in strange ways--I could end up preg, next month for all I know.

Monday, October 22, 2007


I am not even sure where to begin this...

We're kind of on a break while I attempt to lose at least 40lbs. My doctor doesn't seem to phased by the fact that I have cronic spotting and that I haven't ovulated at all in the last year...

I requested my medical records, including my u/s and blood test results. Now I am just searching for a Dr in MD to look at them and not me and determine whether I have PCOS or something else going on here...

In the meantime I am in weight watchers--and doing well-exercising and definitely eating better.

I just wish people in Ray's family would stop getting knocked up.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Back on track

So--everything is normal. I mean fairly normal. Temps are normal and I feel decent. Had a bit of a spotting scare yesterday but it went away no sign of its return. I am happy.

I wrote to my doctor to request my most recent tests and medical records. I want to request a second opinion on the tests she ran. I realize that she ran them a week after I started my last AF- which lasted nearly 3 weeks. I don't think she took that into account when she read the results of the blood-work, in particular. Also if my endometrial lining was "very thick" as she put it when they did my ultrasound, than how could she see if there was, say, a small fibroid hiding amongst the lining? Well, she wouldn't, would she?

So anyway, I think I do need a second opinion and perhaps even another round of blood-work and ultrasound. But we'll let another doctor decide that. In the meantime I'll just hope this cycle is somewhat normal. Also I have to figure out which doctor do I want to go to. The hospital where Ray works has a great OB/GYN department and so i am thinking of making an appointment with one of those OB/GYNs and seeing if I can get someone to actually talk to me instead of saying "oh you are fine. Blood work is fine. Ultrasound fine. Keep trying naturally and make an appointment for 6 months from now" which is what i am getting from this doctor.

BUT...on the off chance that me being overweight is what is causing this--I have decided that WW is good for me. I am enjoying being back on points and tracking again and Ray has even joined me in the endeavor. I am not quite ready to get back the bike though, maybe a short ride on Sunday, we'll see.

I did some research on my symptoms (heavy bleeding, spotting, tiredness, anovulation, long cycles etc) and I came across Cushing's Disease. Is anyone familiar with this at all. I'd be interested to know what it is and how to "cure" it.

Well, that's it for me. Have a wonderful weekend!

Monday, September 17, 2007

Ok, so an update

I stopped temp'ing the two weeks we were away in Oz. Mainly because it was a pain partly because I still had AF up until about 5 days before we left. Not to mention there was absolutely nothing going on in the baby-making department during our travels. Much to Ray's vocal dissatisfaction.

We are back on track though and I think I am gearing up to ovulate in the next few days. Time to take out the OPKs again and start POAS. No worries about not getting pg this cycle. I realize with the travel it's unlikely and I can go back to more obsessive behaviors next month.

In the mean time I spoke with the doctor today---she told me all my tests are perfectly normal. Isn't that just wonderful? :/ Not sure how I feel about it to be honest. If there was something wrong at least we could start something but now I have to wait yet another 6-8 months before we'll consider anything else besides that I am fat.

Speaking of which I joined WW again today. I am excited. My first weigh in is tomorrow (not looking forward to it considering the damage I inflicted during our trip but what the hey). I am trying to get Ray to join also but I am pretty sure he's not going to. No matter I will go to meetings and start to get myself together. My goal is about 30lbs in 6 months which i think is perfectly normal, then I can go back to the Dr and she might not see me as a fat lazy oaf. I might even be able to lose more if I can get myself into biking again.

Well that's it from here. Back to trying and trying. Maybe we'll get lucky this time around.
Well that's all.

Monday, August 27, 2007

OTAC-again, CD6 and Counting

On Wednesday right before my Dr's appointment I realized that AF had decided to make her appearance. Awesome! I was miserable because I thought I would have to cancel the appointment that I already waited 3 weeks to get to begin with. When I called the receptionist she told me to come in anyway because I was a new patient and because it was CD1 and not very heavy. I am glad I went.

But it was funny because at first I thought, this is just "heavy spotting" again nothing to worry about it will be gone by the end of the day...but it really is AF. Can I tell you how excited I am? I know it's a strange thing to be excited about having AF but for me this means that I get to start a new cycle, hopefully with better results than my last cycle (55 days, totally annovulatory fit with a ton of spotting and stress). I just hope that we get a chance to time our sex this time around.

If it works out to be correct and I O anywhere between CD11-24 I will be in Australia with Ray...normally that would be cool, you know TTC on vacation and all. But we are staying with friends nearly the entire trip so...I am not sure humping in someone's guest bed is the best way to make an impression. But I don't want to lose out on what could be one of only a handful of ovulatory cycles this we have to find a way to do this.

Brisbane will be the hardest since the folks we are staying with are retired and probably will not leave us in the house alone (can't say I blame them, they hardly know us), that will only leave sex at night. However, my friends in Melbs know me very well and have every intention of leaving us on our own in their houses. So the second half of the week should be easy to get sex in. Plus if Ray goes more than 3 days without, well you know, getting it out of his system. He becomes bitchy and nasty with me (he's like a diabetic with low blood sugar)--so I have every incentive to make sure that doesn't happen.

Also from Saturday night until Monday morning we'll be on a plane so I won't be able to temp or check CM. Saturday morning will be the last time I can check on US time. I'll have to skip Sunday and Monday and just start again on Tuesday on Oz time since we'll miss Sunday all together being on the plane and Monday we'll be in at 7:35am Oz time but I will not have had a restful enough sleep to temp I don't think.

My pelvic u/s is scheduled for Wednesday at 6pm. I don't think I'll have any results before I leave to got Australia so update about my fertility will have to wait until I return from Oz.

Lots of things to think about and to work on. I do hope I stop bleeding soon though and that the spotting doesn't return.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The Doctor's Appointment


So, today was the day. The day I saw the new ob/gyn. Questions loomed large:

1. Will I like her? (She's okay, but she's young and pregnant and I am not sure how I feel about that right now, I'd say if I was keeping score for her, that would be a -1. My other ob/gyn was clearly closer to menopause than child-bearing and it made me feel safer I guess. She was definitely more "motherly" than the new doctor. But overall she seems nice enough. But with some of the crap that's been happening lately I am not sure how I feel about a Doc who will possibly have two or three children before I can even conceive one, kwim?)

2. Will she take my cycle concerns and charts seriously? (A bit. The nurse more so than the doctor herself. She told me that the spotting was most likely caused because I am too fat. That isn't really news and this is an issue I've been struggling with. We talked about that and she suggested that we run a few tests to rule out anything hormonal and she also wrote a 'scipt for a pelvic ultrasound. This is a lot more than I thought I would get out of one visit so +1 for that I guess.)

3. Is there anything immediately wrong with me that she could tell right away? (she said everything "looks fine" and she couldn't feel any masses or lumps but that a pap and an ultrasound will rule out anything she couldn't see or feel herself. She was quick and pleasant and talked to me a bunch. So I guess that another +1)

Overall the experience was a positive one. I don't like doctors, I especially don't like ob/gyns mainly because I hate the idea of someone, you know, looking at me there. But mainly I don't like ob/gyns because sometimes I think they aren't as concerned with the patient's whole health as say most other doctors (well not surgeons, they are probably the worst to deal with). She did say that I would have to wait at least another 6 months before she would consider more evasive tests and that she wanted to see if weight loss really helped me. I asked, of course, about what if I couldn't lose weight at all in the next 6 months would that put the kabash on the whole thing. She told me that there is only so much she can do for me, if I was continuing to have issues and I couldn't lose weight she would happily refer me to an RE to help with both that and the whole TTC thing (again that's a +).

She did ask me if I knew how often ovulated in the last 6 cycles and I told her that according to my charts it was only once. She said she thought that after 6 more cycles of charting if I still wasn't ovulating that we may need to "jump start" my cycle and then help me ovulate (so it looks like if nothing else there will be provera or prometrium and clomid in my future).

After this ultrasound she'll call me with the results and I suppose at that point I'll see if she wants me to schedule another appointment with her for 6 months from now. So it's still all a waiting game and unless something drastically changes in the next few weeks or 6 months, we are on a "timed" intercourse schedule with me continuing to chart.

So...that's where we are.

Monday, August 20, 2007

2 More Days

The ever fated Dr's Appointment is only two days away. It's weird how I feel about this appointment. In one way or another I am glad to be going in another way, I am scared to death.

I can't say that things are going well. This cycle, like the last, is all messed up. The spotting has not stopped it gets better, than worse, then better again. I am afraid to have sex with Ray because I don't want to bleed and yet---obviously the whole having sex thing is important (yeah this is a ttc blog after all).

I've stepped away from the ovusoft forums for a little while. I just feel like I am not fitting in right now with them and I got some pretty harsh critism from some of the girls. Which I guess, I deserved but still. Being as upset and depressed as I am I suppose I felt I deserved some slack but here it is...

Apparently if you haven't been trying for at least 6 months or longer no one feels bad for you if you have serious medical issues (like I do right now) to them it's "nothing" not "long enough" and "insensitive" to other people to go on about how you just feel like giving up because nothing is going right. Apparently, I am supposed to put on a brave face and "get over it" because there are other people who have been seriously diagnosed as infertile an that's where all my sympathies should be. Sorry but I am a selfish cow. I feel bad for all of you but really...I am sick of being sick so pardon me if my sympathy is for myself and not for you!

I am not usually this nasty about stuff. I do feel bad for the hopelessly infertile- for those who have suffered multiple m/cs and chemical pregnancies. But I think in some ways I feel worse for those girls who have never even had a single + test, who don't ovulate, who have even less of a chance. I feel bad for women who have had body parts removed making the chance of getting pregnant even less remote.

So while I feel for these women I also know that it could be my fate too and so...if I say things like I've given up hope for my own BFP it only mimics the helplessness I feel in my heart. And people can go on and claim sensitivity to those who have had mulitple m/cs and issues but then I ask where is the sensitivity to my situation?

Tuesday, August 14, 2007



Just bleh.

I'm trying, really I am.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Yup, still bleeding

I think I am 1DPO today even though it means I would have ovulated on CD10 but with the weirdness of my cycle maybe it isn't really CD10 anyway...only time will tell what it really really is.

Our timing for sex wasn't great, if the ovulation date is yeterday it would have been 2 days before...but truthfully that's okay. I am only half into this month since the spotting will NOT STOP. It goes between a light period (1 or 2 half full tampons) to spotting, no need for anything at all but still a little pinkish. So explain that one. What is what?

Anyway, I'll be shocked if anything comes of it this cycle.

12 more days until I see the ob/gyn. Let's hope the news isn't too bad.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Keep on Keeping on, I guess

I am tired today. The usual- my life sucks and this isn't going well depression tired that I get when I can't control every single aspect of my life.

I am reminded of a quote from the Matrix when I get like this "Fate, it seems, was not without a sense of irony." For years and years I spent being afraid to get pregnant. I mean literally scared to death. If it was 8 years ago and I ended up pregnant it would have been a tough and heart wrenching choice for me. Now, it's all I think about and not about not wanting but wanting so bad I can't stand to be in the same room as myself when I get like this.

It is ironic isn't- that you can go years and years being afraid of something without ever knowing that you couldn't have gotten pregnant even if you wanted to. Now, I am sitting here looking at my chart (which is stuck and doing absolutely nothing) wondering why I spent so much time worrying about something that obviously my body is incapable of doing.

Clearly I am sad today because of what my body is and is not doing.

I started spotting again three days ago. A light spot, brown mostly but it's there. The CF has been sticky/creamy and my temps are low again...and if I hadn't already been tested for a crappy thyroid I might be inclinded to believe that was the problem...but what my charts are showing, and from what I know is the following:

First, and most notably, I am not ovulating. Second, my progesterone levels are low when I do ovulate (which isn't often) and finally, I bleed mid-cycle which is a very bad sign (cysts seem likely, even fibriods). I feel like I am falling apart.

The spotting only started last month when we finally decided to get on the TTC track. Of course, once again there is that irony. The waiting to see the doctor is getting almost as bad as any two week wait I am sure. Why can't things just be right with me??

My mom says I worry too much, that just because my cycles are a little irregular (ok Mom, bleeding mid-cycle is not "irregular" it's down right out of control) that everything is probably fine. But she doesn't know that I know that I am not ovulating and that my progesterone levels are low...she doesn't know because I can't explain charting to her (she would totally laugh at me if I did). And even though I try and talk with Ray I know he doesn't totally get how HOPELESS I feel right now.

The more I think about his stupid sister being pregnant or freakin' half his cousins getting knocked up accidently the more I just wanna isolate myself from the world. I can't stand it. It would be bad enough if I were just having mild baby-fever but this is full on baby-fever with no cure...not even a hint of a cure.

More than anything I am scared to see the doctor and hear what she has to tell me. I am afraid that she'll examine me and find problems which would set us back a long time to TTC and I feel I've already waited and wasted enough time. I am ANGRY at my husband because if we had started TTC 6 months ago, when I go to this appointment I'd have something to prove to her...she'd take me more I know I am going to hear the old "give it another 4 or 5 months and then come back to me" But I KNOW this is not going to change and I feel so annoyed.

I am trying to keep moving forward, I am trying not to let myself get into this funk about TTC. I am trying to remember that sex isn't just for making babies but to reconnect with Ray in a more intimate way and yet I feel like having sex is a reminder of what cannot happen. He sees it in me when we are together...and I can't tell him without hurting his feelings.

I wish I could just let it go and be okay with whatever happens but my incessant need to control this has left me abandoned...

Monday, July 30, 2007

Well *sigh*

Still negative.

My chart is wrong.

I think all that spotting was me having a very short annovulatory cycle-so even though no temp temps are in "normal" range now (96.8-97.3) better than the really low temps I was having.

Apparently I am on CD15 now, CF is creamy but definitely not eggwhite...maybe I'll be lucky and ovulate in a few days...

Ray and I are back on our every other day only time will tell for this cycle.

Dr's appointment w/ the GP this Friday to clear up yet another UTI- this is the 5th one in 6 months...something is clearly screwy...maybe he'll check my kidneys and see if there is a problem there...I think I'll request cipro instead of macrobid since the macrobid hasn't been clearing up my UTIs completely...

Dr's appointment w/ the OB/GYN on the 22nd...hopefully to figure some stuff out. I am worried I won't like the new OB/GYN...

Anyway, that's the story from here.

Friday, July 27, 2007


Yes folks I said 16 f***ing dpo today...tested BFN yesterday..


I feel sick---I don't know if that's nerves or something else. Temps were still up today... is my chart wrong again? I really don't think it is.

This waiting completely sucks donkey butt---I have to wait until Sunday to test again. That would mark 18 high temps above the coverline and basically me being pregnant without having to test. But I NEED to see a line on a test or I'll never believe that I charted correctly or that I even ovulated.

This game totally stinks.

And...on the TMI wagon--my CM is creamy as all get out, I keep going to the bathroom thinking AF has shown up (which would be near impossible considering my temp went UP this morning)

I do not want to get my hopes wait, I take that back. I will not get my hopes up for this cycle since it was so f-d up to begin with. Yeah, something is wrong and until a pregnancy test tells me otherwise...well that's what I am inclined to believe.

So---we wait until I get real hard proof one way or the other.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Que Eerie Music

Um yeah


No blood at all except after sex and that wasn't even enough to use anything with. I wiped, it was gone. Today, nothing.

I am 14DPO today. I should have gotten my period today. My temp went back up.

What the (pardon the expression) fuck is going on?

I feel cramps, mild. I have a headache, I've had it for about 4 days now-also mild. I feel dizzy from time to time--I've had vertigo before but this is different-ish. I feel full and bloated and right now, like I wanna puke. But I don't feel nauseous per se, just ugh. That could be just because I ate (but all I had was a small slice of french bread pizza and some fruit).

But I am pretty sure I'm getting a negative on any pg test I take. There must be something wrong with me then. And still a whole month until I get to see the OB/GYN. Who woulda thought I'd want to go to to a doctor??


Geez, I wish I had some answers. I refuse to test again until at least Friday. What's the point if I am going to see a stark white BFN again? I will assume either a) I didn't really O (totally possible) b) I have some type of luteal cyst which is extending my LP c) something is really really really wrong...

Right now, I am betting on c, because I am such an optimist.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

OTAC (On To Another Cycle)

Temps dropped...big time today.

I feel AF coming, I think. I dunno. All that bleeding for the last two weeks and now, watch, she won't show. But I feel crampy and my face is broken out so...she's definitely on her way.

There is sadness. I tested yesterday, not sure why. Last night when I got home. I got the urge to POAS. Stupid me. Sure way to bring on the old girl. I learned my lesson- no testing until I am officially late. I never thought it would bother me that much to see the stark whiteness of the pg test...but it did.

Now I get to go to baby shower next Saturday---I get to spend the weekend with my in-laws talking about Ray's sister Jess and her pregnancy. I feel like crawling in a hole and dying about now.

We should have started this process months ago but Ray was too scared and I guess I was too. Now I feel like who knows what's going to happen. I can keep praying that I ovulate on time to give us more chances at getting pg.

I have to be patient, how could I really expect to get pg the first time out of the gate? I guess in a lot of ways I really did expect that. How foolish of me.

Anyway---I am just gonna sit and wait for AF to show today...try and spend time with Ray tonight- we haven't had many intimate moments these past two weeks. I felt a little disconnected from myself and from him. Maybe I'll try and make things better between the two of us tonight.

I hope AF shows soon and that she's not brutal to me.

Monday, July 23, 2007


Stupid headache that won't go away.

Well I am 12DPO today...tomorrow I will test I suppose.

Pretty sure I am not pg but it's okay. More months for us to try and try again. Won't Ray be just thrilled to bits.

I do feel rather not like myself today...haven't been feeling like myself for about 3 or 4 days now. I am not sure if something is stiring up in the air or if I am making stuff up as I go...LOL

Tomorrow is the moment of truth I guess. After Ray you all will be the first to know (well you and my twin sister, I promised I would tell her before I told my mom).

Ok---now I am getting a bit nervous.

Wish me luck!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Out Damn Spot? More like AF

Ok so today is 7DPO according to my great looking chart. And while normally most people would be thrilled with increasing temps etc- I am depressed. Why? because I am still bleeding. Not just oh there is some blood...nope a full on AF type bleed, fit with cramps and a killer headache. So much so I am not even sure I'll test in 7 days.

My hope for this cycle? None

My hope that everything is okay and that this is "hormonal"? None

My hope that I'll be pg by the end of the year? None

So I am batting a thousand at this point. And...on top of co-worker is pg too. 10 people now, that's 10 people that I personally know who are currently expecting...10 in the last 6 months. Yeah I am pretty sure this is God's little patience test for me. Ok, Lord, I hear you loud and clear. Time to slow it down and stop getting upset over things I cannot control.

Ray and I are going to continue trying even though right now we are putting a lot more focus into our trip to Australia and the exciting things we have coming up this summer. But I can't help but feel pretty disappointed in all this.

Not to mention of course that my OB/GYN who I adored has gone to NC leaving me without anyone to see about this "abnormal bleeding" problem. I made an appointment to see another OB/GYN, one actually affliated with Ray's hospital system but she can't see me until wait I I must for a lot of things.

I guess this is what happens when you finally make the big "leap" to the TTC game. Lots of waiting around, lots of hoping for the best, lots of diappointments. I so much adore Ray and I can see that eventually we'll be successful but right now it just seems so far away. Everything in the Lord's time I suppose. Can't rush perfection.

That's it from here....

Friday, July 13, 2007

Staging a Rebellion?

I'm bleeding

Not like "oh a spot" and then it's gone. No I am bleeding--bright pinky/red blood. So much for my "I ovulated" theory. Looks like that's not happening.

Why, when I want to get pregnant does my body have to go and do this? I can't say that before I didn't care. I've always cared how f**ked up my body was/is but now it's even more frustrating and upsetting.

Maybe if I didn't chart I wouldn't have known how screwed up I am. Maybe if I didn't chart I wouldn't know all the weird and strange things about my body. Maybe if I didn't chart I wouldn't be so upset right now.

But the fact is I do chart, and I do know how screwed up, weird and strange my body is and the simple fact is that YES I AM UPSET about it.

This is only cycle 1 and already I am losing my "cool"- why can't I just get pregnant like a normal person? Why does my body want to hate me so much?

Talked with my mom this morning. She told me to stop worrying so much. Easy for her to say she had three kids, in a year (plus two weeks) she was 23 and 24 when she had us...I am nearing 30 and I feel my body rebelling daily.

So, today I am sulking, eating ice cream and praying that this "mini period" I have today is gone by tonight.

Oh well--I guess it's on to the next abnormal cycle.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

1 DPO?

Well--I think I ovulated yesterday. *sigh* Geez I hope I did.

Sometimes all this fertility stuff can make you go batty. Did I O, didn't I? If I did, am I pregnant? Then if you do, you gotta wait 2 weeks to offically find out...

I am excited about this cycle because even if we don't end up pregnant...well if I ovulated when I think i did it would mimic my last cycle and it means that my body actually does work from time to time. Which is very awesome.

I still think my temp will nosedive tomorrow and that today's temp was a bit flukey but...a girl can dream for a moment that she's normal, can't she?

In the mean time all the "right" signs are there but I am still having a bit of spotting which worries me some. Maybe I'll make Ray find my cervix tonight. LOL.

I am so tired today for no good reason and the day seems to be taking forever and ever. I still have another hour + here and I am not sure I can keep myself awake that long.

Oh well---I'll try and find something NON-fertility related to entertain me.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Why Me?

You would think with the copious amounts of sex that Ray and I have been having that I'd be happier. But alas because my body does not want to cooperate I feel sad and hopeless.

Today is CD 15 with no O in sight. My cycles have reverted back to unpredictable, long and probably, if I had to guess, annovulatory. Why am I even bothering with this TTC stuff? I feel as if I am running around in circles most of the time.

I told myself that after this cycle was over (when ever it chooses to end itself) that I am going to the OB/GYN and talking with her about my annovulatory cycles. I am not sure if she'll give me anything or if she can even help me but at least I can talk with her about it.

The last time I mentioned charting my cycles she kinda brushed it off. But maybe if I bring them with me she can pinpoint my problem and give me some help. I certainly do not want to be doing this for a year without at least being looked at.

Ray seems to be enjoying all the extra sex we've been having but I can't help feeling that there is some resentment there too. Like he thinks the only reason I want to have sex now is so that I can get pregnant. Which is partly true and partly not true. I love being with him and it's nice that the sex we have now is so good. But I am not sure how I'll feel in a few months when we still aren't and he still feels like sex every other day is worth it...

I have a lot to think about. I am not sure if I should lose hope just yet. I am only on CD15 but not O'ing now means if I O I'll O late or more than likely, not at all...

Bleh. Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Monday, July 9, 2007

Now What

Ok so the weekend could have gone better. I certainly did not need to hear that yet another person in my life is pregnant certainly could be worse.

I am not sure what is going on with this cycle. Today's temp was the lowest my temp has ever been. I wonder if there really is something wrong with me that the blood tests are picking up.

Ray and I had a very busy weekend with guests from all over showing up... we gave our guests our bedroom so there was no hanky panky going on while we were shacking up on the air mattress. Last night though was a totally different story :D

I am not sure if I'll ovulate this cycle. If it turns out I don't I really need to make an appointment with the ob/gyn to see what is going on. Because if three of the last 4 cycles charting are annovulatory than there is something very wrong with me that needs to be addressed. I have a feeling clomid is in my future!

On the bright side the abscesses seem to be getting better. I just have to make sure I keep taking care of myself.

Friday, July 6, 2007


8 at last count

8 girls pregnant that I know either personally or through other means...8 in the last 6 months. WTF is going on??

Yeah I know-we're trying now. We've finally gotten on our way and still hurts to hear that there are people in the universe who are already where you want to be. I don't think I can handle another pregnancy announcement without hanging myself.

It is hard to be genuinely excited for people when all you see is your own failings or attempts. It's like a lot of things in our lives. It takes us so long to make a decision on something and then finally, when the decision is agreed upon or modified--it seems like everyone pops up with the thing you want.

Ray and I talked last night. While I consider us already TTC he still considers us TTW. But if I had to be honest with myself I could NEVER see us really "timing" sex or just having sex around ovulation days. Besides the fact that I enjoy having sex with Ray, I am pretty sure Ray would stage a revolt if we ended up only having sex three or four times a cycle. I don't want that. I need a willing partner and if that means more sex for the both of us, so be it.

Lately I am back to having some medical issues that I wish would just go away. Ever since I was in college I've been plagued by abscesses in areas of my body that would make most people cringe. I don't know if it's because I am overweight or family history (mom gets them, auntie gets them etc) but I do know I hate them. I have two right now one under each armpit. I can barely raise my arms above my head they hurt that much. I've tried all kinds of remedies and I am on a natural turmeric remedy now. I sure hope it works as they hurt like heck.

I try to keep this information as much from Ray as possible since my health is a major concern for him and BIG factor with why we didn't move on the TTC thing earlier. I know that if I tell him all my "health issues" it certainly will put us back until he thinks I am well enough. Truthfully, I've been suffering with these health issues for the last few years...I don't see any sign of it really changing and I am not ready to wait until they all clear up 100% before moving with the whole TTC/TTW thing...

Either way...I am making the best of my situation.

Well that's it from here.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

All Aboard

So-here it is an offically offical TTC blog.

Never thought I'd get here but yet here I am.

After a series of pregnancy pop-ups over the last 6 months, Ray and I have finally decided that it is our turn to start trying for our own little one.

I've been waiting at this station for the train to come in for a long time. It feels like every time I think the train is pulling into the station (i.e. Ray is with me) the train gets delayed and I am left feeling like "ok, why did I get up then?"

That's sorta how I look at this TTC journey. A train ride to babyland. I highly doubt my wonderful husband feels the same way. But needless to say he seems to be at the train station with me now and that's all that matters.

So, let me describe this station for you if I can. It's sort of busy lots of folks either coming or going. Most of them seem to be excited and nervous just waiting for the train to pull up and let them on. Others seem frustrated and require more help to actually get on the train. Those folks, the ones who have been waiting a while, those that require the help of the porter or conductor are the ones I am most nervous about because---well we could end up like that ourselves. In the meantime we'll just hope our train comes before people start asking questions.

The ride to babyland itself will be filled with some really exciting things for us and I look forward to it. The journey should help Ray and I grow as people and as a family. It will help us put into perspective all the things we really want/need in our lives.

Once we get on the train the journey to babyland begins but we'll have to switch trains at "Pregnancy" once we get there. Right now this is just the first half of the journey the ride from TTC-ville to Pregnancy and then the final stop in Babyland. I don't mind switching trains part of the fun of this whole thing will be getting to Pregnancy...

In the mean time I statred this blog to journal our train ride from the Station at TTC-ville to Pregnancy and finally Babyland. I am hoping that we won't have a long journey as some couples do and I am hoping we won't require so much help as some couples do but--if that's the case than so be it.

We are excited to share this with you but I respectfully request that you be kind in your comments to us. Getting to the station was hard enough.