16DPO

Yes folks I said 16 f***ing dpo today...tested BFN yesterday..

WTH?

I feel sick---I don't know if that's nerves or something else. Temps were still up today... is my chart wrong again? I really don't think it is.

This waiting completely sucks donkey butt---I have to wait until Sunday to test again. That would mark 18 high temps above the coverline and basically me being pregnant without having to test. But I NEED to see a line on a test or I'll never believe that I charted correctly or that I even ovulated.

This game totally stinks.

And...on the TMI wagon--my CM is creamy as all get out, I keep going to the bathroom thinking AF has shown up (which would be near impossible considering my temp went UP this morning)

I do not want to get my hopes up....no wait, I take that back. I will not get my hopes up for this cycle since it was so f-d up to begin with. Yeah, something is wrong and until a pregnancy test tells me otherwise...well that's what I am inclined to believe.

So---we wait until I get real hard proof one way or the other.

Staging a Rebellion?

I'm bleeding

Not like "oh a spot" and then it's gone. No I am bleeding--bright pinky/red blood. So much for my "I ovulated" theory. Looks like that's not happening.

Why, when I want to get pregnant does my body have to go and do this? I can't say that before I didn't care. I've always cared how f**ked up my body was/is but now it's even more frustrating and upsetting.

Maybe if I didn't chart I wouldn't have known how screwed up I am. Maybe if I didn't chart I wouldn't know all the weird and strange things about my body. Maybe if I didn't chart I wouldn't be so upset right now.

But the fact is I do chart, and I do know how screwed up, weird and strange my body is and the simple fact is that YES I AM UPSET about it.

This is only cycle 1 and already I am losing my "cool"- why can't I just get pregnant like a normal person? Why does my body want to hate me so much?

Talked with my mom this morning. She told me to stop worrying so much. Easy for her to say she had three kids, in a year (plus two weeks) she was 23 and 24 when she had us...I am nearing 30 and I feel my body rebelling daily.

So, today I am sulking, eating ice cream and praying that this "mini period" I have today is gone by tonight.

Oh well--I guess it's on to the next abnormal cycle.

Feck

8 at last count

8 girls pregnant that I know either personally or through other means...8 in the last 6 months. WTF is going on??

Yeah I know-we're trying now. We've finally gotten on our way and yet...it still hurts to hear that there are people in the universe who are already where you want to be. I don't think I can handle another pregnancy announcement without hanging myself.

It is hard to be genuinely excited for people when all you see is your own failings or attempts. It's like a lot of things in our lives. It takes us so long to make a decision on something and then finally, when the decision is agreed upon or modified--it seems like everyone pops up with the thing you want.

Ray and I talked last night. While I consider us already TTC he still considers us TTW. But if I had to be honest with myself I could NEVER see us really "timing" sex or just having sex around ovulation days. Besides the fact that I enjoy having sex with Ray, I am pretty sure Ray would stage a revolt if we ended up only having sex three or four times a cycle. I don't want that. I need a willing partner and if that means more sex for the both of us, so be it.

Lately I am back to having some medical issues that I wish would just go away. Ever since I was in college I've been plagued by abscesses in areas of my body that would make most people cringe. I don't know if it's because I am overweight or family history (mom gets them, auntie gets them etc) but I do know I hate them. I have two right now one under each armpit. I can barely raise my arms above my head they hurt that much. I've tried all kinds of remedies and I am on a natural turmeric remedy now. I sure hope it works as they hurt like heck.

I try to keep this information as much from Ray as possible since my health is a major concern for him and BIG factor with why we didn't move on the TTC thing earlier. I know that if I tell him all my "health issues" it certainly will put us back until he thinks I am well enough. Truthfully, I've been suffering with these health issues for the last few years...I don't see any sign of it really changing and I am not ready to wait until they all clear up 100% before moving with the whole TTC/TTW thing...

Either way...I am making the best of my situation.

Well that's it from here.

All Aboard

So-here it is an offically offical TTC blog.

Never thought I'd get here but yet here I am.

After a series of pregnancy pop-ups over the last 6 months, Ray and I have finally decided that it is our turn to start trying for our own little one.

I've been waiting at this station for the train to come in for a long time. It feels like every time I think the train is pulling into the station (i.e. Ray is with me) the train gets delayed and I am left feeling like "ok, why did I get up then?"

That's sorta how I look at this TTC journey. A train ride to babyland. I highly doubt my wonderful husband feels the same way. But needless to say he seems to be at the train station with me now and that's all that matters.

So, let me describe this station for you if I can. It's sort of busy lots of folks either coming or going. Most of them seem to be excited and nervous just waiting for the train to pull up and let them on. Others seem frustrated and require more help to actually get on the train. Those folks, the ones who have been waiting a while, those that require the help of the porter or conductor are the ones I am most nervous about because---well we could end up like that ourselves. In the meantime we'll just hope our train comes before people start asking questions.

The ride to babyland itself will be filled with some really exciting things for us and I look forward to it. The journey should help Ray and I grow as people and as a family. It will help us put into perspective all the things we really want/need in our lives.

Once we get on the train the journey to babyland begins but we'll have to switch trains at "Pregnancy" once we get there. Right now this is just the first half of the journey the ride from TTC-ville to Pregnancy and then the final stop in Babyland. I don't mind switching trains part of the fun of this whole thing will be getting to Pregnancy...

In the mean time I statred this blog to journal our train ride from the Station at TTC-ville to Pregnancy and finally Babyland. I am hoping that we won't have a long journey as some couples do and I am hoping we won't require so much help as some couples do but--if that's the case than so be it.

We are excited to share this with you but I respectfully request that you be kind in your comments to us. Getting to the station was hard enough.