Once a week

So I promised myself that I would keep up with this blog once a week. So here is your weekly installment of me. I hope you don’t mind.

I wish I could say things were going on right now. They aren’t. I am a week away from finishing these ridiculous birth control pills. I have a few things I need to do to prepare myself for ttc again.

I need to go to the dentist. I have several cavities that I would like to have fixed/filled before I get pregnant. At the very least I need to have the x-rays done. I would prefer to be sedated if possible during the process (get them all done at once maybe?) and I don’t think I can be pregnant for that. So I need to make that appointment (which, yeah, not happy about it).

I also need to make a half-hearted attempt at finding some of our old baby-gear. We need the infant insert for our car seat. Ray told me he has no idea where it is and I am not sure we can get a replacement. If another baby is as tiny as Clara was at birth we will definitely have use of it.

On a totally separate note 4 of the moms who had babies in Clara’s Infant I class (basically Clara’s age, maybe a little older) either have new babies now or are pregnant now. Also two of Ray’s cousins are pregnant too. I told Ray it was a good thing we decided to have another one or I’d be going a little batty right now. I have to admit though it’s hard to wait, especially since we don’t know what my body is going to do.

In case I didn’t mention what the plan is (did I mention it, I probably did); we are going to go try on our own for the next three/four months. Then in September I will meet with the Ob/Gyn again and get her thoughts. My guess is if I am not pregnant she’ll recommend I go back to the RE. I’ll have her send my records over there and I’ll call for an appointment. Then it’s probably back to testing for both of us. Ray already told me he isn’t looking forward to doing the semen analysis again. I told him we would do it at Shady Grove again like we did the second one the last time. I doubt his count/motility/morphology got any better from three years ago though. It won’t matter since most of the infertility stuff really falls on me. We just need “one good one” for him.

As for our already existing miracle well she seems to be doing quite well. She’s still waking up in the middle of the night for no reason. I am not sure if she’s having nightmares that wake her or what. Usually Ray goes down and calms her down and usually that works. It’s still a battle at least once a week to get her dressed in the morning. She threw a massive fit yesterday for example but the rest of this week she’s been fine. I got to spend a little extra time with her this morning in her daycare room because Ray accidentally forgot her daycare bag (lunch, snack etc) at home. So we spent an extra 40 minutes hanging out waiting for Ray to come back to the school with it.

She’s a funny and cute little thing though. She wanted to spend her morning showing off in the classroom for me followed by sitting next to me and hugging me. She was NOT HAPPY when I left but I tried to tell her that I was there until Daddy brought her bag back but that didn’t compute. Shana (her teacher) said that she was sure she would be fine once she was sitting down to eat her yogurt. It does make me wish I could spend more time doing fun stuff with her.

Anyway, this weekend is Easter and I still have not gotten Clara’s Easter basket together (bad mommy). So tonight Ray and I are off to Target to pick stuff up for her (and coffee too since we seem to be out all of a sudden, I don’t drink caffeine much now since I knew I’d have to give it up when I got pregnant so I didn’t know we were getting low).

That’s all from around here. Hope everyone has a blessed Easter.

Oh Well...

I am having one of those days. You know the kind of day where you think “this isn’t fair?”

So if you read my last post you know that Ray and I have a somewhat set plan for Baby #2. And providing it all goes the way it should I think the plan will work out rather nicely. Plus if we are lucky and Ray ends up with a better paying job things might get started sooner. Although, if I have to be honest I doubt it will happen.

Anyway, one of the attorneys in my office who had a baby 2.5 months before I had Clara just told me she’s expecting #2. I am not surprised. I just had a feeling that any day now she was going to announce her pregnancy. Somehow, I have this weirdo intuition about these things.

It’s not that I want to rush our well thought out plan. Nor do I want to throw us into a difficult financial situation (it wouldn’t be life ending but it would be very tight) but part of me is so “not fair.” We actually have to wait for our savings account to have more money and loans to be paid off before we can even consider another baby. Not just because of the finances associated with putting a second kiddo in daycare/feeding/diapers but because of the treatments I will inevitably have to go through in order to get baby #2.

I like this attorney. She has always been super nice to me and friendly. I don’t have an issue with anyone to be honest. But things still sometimes rub me the wrong way. I am not sure how many people in my office know the struggle we went through to get pregnant, I am not sure I really want them to know. After all it is personal business. But she asked me so casually “so any company for Clara?” and I said “not right now, probably not for a while actually” and, I know she was asking innocently but then she said “oh, why not?” and I said “a few reasons; first, I had a difficult time getting pregnant to begin with and I am not looking forward to starting that process again because of both time and expense and secondly, daycare isn’t cheap and I have to find a way to pay for two.” And she kind of just shrugged and said “it will all work out.” I like her optimism but she has that luxury- she’s a corporate attorney who probably makes twice what I make and her husband is an architect who probably makes twice what Ray makes. So I am sure they can afford to have many more children. But where I am, it’s not possible. Even if it is something I want.

I try not to let myself feel bad about stuff like this. I know we are doing what is on best interest emotionally and financially. But still it feels a bit like a kick in the pants that I can’t just do whatever I want whenever I want. I just hope at some point we do get to give Clara a brother or sister. If not, well I guess we’ll be okay either way.

Decisions, Decisions

Now that I feel like our life with MIL is somewhat settled (a whole long story) it’s time to assess what our family needs are.

Ray and I talked and I was honest with him. I’ve been on the fence about wanting to have another baby because of a few factors. First, I adore Clara to death and I want to give her all my love an attention. I am not sure I could love another one as much as I love and adore her. Second, financially things are good right now with just one. Having two means higher daycare tuition, more clothing (especially if we have a boy), more stuff in general (although a lot of the stuff we have is gender neutral with respect to pack & plays, swings, car seats and strollers so at least there is that). Third, I want to go back to school when Clara starts elementary school (in 4 years- I actually wanted to go back much sooner but that isn’t in the cards) and I am not sure I would be able to do that if we had a 2 year old at home. Lastly, the pain of infertility is still pretty fresh. Not to mention our current insurance is an HSA which covers infertility 100% but that’s because I am basically paying out of pocket with a tax-free account (no good really). His benefits (which we declined) pay for all pre-existing conditions except (get this) infertility! So basically I would need different insurance (a straight PPO with a co-pay would be ideal but even my company’s PPO option is a co-insurance thing.)

But I thought long and hard about our financial situation and I realized that in 18 months Ray will have completed paying off his student loans. As in done forever!!! Which is amazes me because he’s only been out of undergrad for 9 years. I worked really hard at come up with a “snowball” plan for paying off the loans (if anyone wants details on how we did this you can just send me a msg and I’ll explain it to you). What was supposed to happen at the end of that 18 months was that I was supposed to take whatever money he was throwing towards his loan and put it towards the smaller of my two remaining loans. But considering the nature of student loans I told Ray that we not do that. Instead we could put that money into daycare costs for another baby…

He said he thought it was a good plan (what?) and what time frame was I looking at. I said providing this all goes the way it’s supposed to (which we know it won’t) 9 months would be the soonest so that if a miracle occurs and I get pregnant right away then we have the 9 additional months to pay off the loan and it would put us right where we need to be. If it doesn’t happen right away (more likely the case) we’ll just keep trying and if it doesn’t happen within 6 months we’ll go back and get help from the RE again. I also figure that if I wait the 9 months from now we’ll have figured out the insurance situation (going back to the PPO and have the HSA money for the co-insurance payments). Moreover it gives Ray a few months to figure out his job situation (that’s post for another day because it means we may be moving. And now that we’re no longer talking with his mother/family we have no reason to really stay).

So that’s the tentative plans right now. It’s nice to dream that things will go just how we plan them to go. But even if they don’t I think giving it another try is in our best interest. I want another baby and I want Clara to have a sibling now more than ever because of our situation with Ray’s family. Maybe it’s not the best reason but I think, even if we stay where we are now, in the jobs we have now, in the house we currently own we can do it. And as far as school goes- well I think having one in kinders and one in pre-school is okay so long as we can swing it financially I know we’ll find a way to make it work time wise.

I Promise I'll Do Better

*sigh*

Well I'd like to say the "sleep training" worked like a charm but that would be a big fat lie. We have good nights and horrible ones. She refuses to go to bed before 9:30pm which takes its toll on Ray and me. But when 9:30 comes at least she's tired enough to not cry hysterically for 45 minutes like when we put her in there before she's "ready" to go to sleep.

Fact: She is her mother's (and father's) daughter.

Ray and I are both night owls. We both hate getting up in the mornings. Clara is exactly that way. Getting her up in the morning is a battle and it involves loads of crying and misery for everyone. If only the girl would go to be earlier she would save herself the pain of that 6:30am wake up call. As an adult I can hardly handle getting up that early but our schedules require us to be up until 11pm- but her's doesn't. Go figure.

Other than that she has managed to pull herself to standing without any assistance. Walking can't be too far behind now. She'll be 15 months in a week but I am not sure she'll walk before then. I guess I shouldn't be shocked at how long this is taking she's always been a little bit behind on the gross motor skills. I am hoping she will walk before summer though.

Overall she is doing very well. She was sick two weeks ago with tonsillitis and this past Monday and Tuesday she had another minor throat infection which, thankfully, did not require antibiotics. She recovered well from both bouts but I do worry about her throat and upper respitory stuff since she's had two upper respitory infections and two throat infections (not counting this minor one) in the last year plus. Thankfully, no ear infections though.

Friday she gets her MMR/Chickenpox Vax. I won't be there with her :( only Ray has time to go with her. I hope she does okay. I know that shot can be very painful for little arms. I told Ray to make sure she gets some ice cream (or a cookie) for being a good girl.

Ray and I are supposed to discuss the possibility of having another baby. This conversation is supposed to take place some time this summer. We have casually discussed in the past and while both of us would like to have another baby- finances, educational goals, and time are huge factors in why we probably won't for quite a while.

I have a pro and con list working about having another baby but at the end of the day it's going to come down to feelings and right now I am not sure how I feel because I know I am losing time and especially with the PCOS I have no idea how it will go with the next one, if there is a next one.

Uh...

So much to say, no time to say it.

Baby is moving and groovin' like the dickens. Of course Ray being oblivious still can't feel it. It's not like it's light taps or anything the baby uses my tummy as a punching bag but Ray can't seem to concentrate on what that feels like.

Anyway, I am not upset about it eventually the baby will kick or punch me hard enough he'll realize what it is. We decided on a name for the kidlet and bought furniture this week. Hopefully the furniture will be here before I give birth. We'll see. Even if it's not that's okay since baby will be in the PnP until he/she sleeps through the night. As long as I have the PnP and a place to sit upstairs in our bedroom that's all baby will need for sleeping arrangements when he/she is born. Everything else can come later I suppose.

I am slowly but surely working on the registry. Gosh there is so much baby crap- I probably don't need like 3/4 of it. But I want to register for the stuff I want not just need.

So naturally now that I am past the half way mark my thoughts have turned to L&D. I meant to talk with Dr J (my ob) about about it last time I was in the office but I had a raging UTI and talking about that took up most of our 20 minutes together. I'll ask at my next appointment. I still haven't decided if I want to go med free- I am thinking I would like to try but 1. I already know I'll be on antibiotics for the labor due to the GBS and 2. I don't want to be a hero-LOL. So I am not sure what the point of doing classes like Bradley etc are? Trish, I know you did Bradley are the infatically against pain meds? I'd like to leave my options open in case I can't take it. *sigh*

Life in general is going along okay so far. I still have yet to put up the wall paper border in the nursery but seriously, it will get done this weekend if I have to force Ray into the room with me. We also need to fix the closet door in there but I think that will have to wait until next weekend.

In other news- Ray's cousin Mark and his wife Julia (they are the one that have the year old baby boy-Sam) are expecting again. She's due two months after me almost exactly. We saw them probably a week before they found out. Isn't that great? I am so excited for them!! She said she's been really sick this time around- I told her that means it's probably a girl (just based on the fact that her symptoms are different from when she was pregnant with Sam). We are excited to see them next weekend-I guess I gotta start another blanket (of course I should finish the one for our baby first right?). I hope she didn't put her maternity clothes too far away-LOL.

Well that's it from here...back to work (or something like that) TGIF though!

Out Damn Spot? More like AF

Ok so today is 7DPO according to my great looking chart. And while normally most people would be thrilled with increasing temps etc- I am depressed. Why? because I am still bleeding. Not just oh there is some blood...nope a full on AF type bleed, fit with cramps and a killer headache. So much so I am not even sure I'll test in 7 days.

My hope for this cycle? None

My hope that everything is okay and that this is "hormonal"? None

My hope that I'll be pg by the end of the year? None

So I am batting a thousand at this point. And...on top of that...my co-worker is pg too. 10 people now, that's 10 people that I personally know who are currently expecting...10 in the last 6 months. Yeah I am pretty sure this is God's little patience test for me. Ok, Lord, I hear you loud and clear. Time to slow it down and stop getting upset over things I cannot control.

Ray and I are going to continue trying even though right now we are putting a lot more focus into our trip to Australia and the exciting things we have coming up this summer. But I can't help but feel pretty disappointed in all this.

Not to mention of course that my OB/GYN who I adored has gone to NC leaving me without anyone to see about this "abnormal bleeding" problem. I made an appointment to see another OB/GYN, one actually affliated with Ray's hospital system but she can't see me until mid-August...so wait I must...like I must for a lot of things.

I guess this is what happens when you finally make the big "leap" to the TTC game. Lots of waiting around, lots of hoping for the best, lots of diappointments. I so much adore Ray and I can see that eventually we'll be successful but right now it just seems so far away. Everything in the Lord's time I suppose. Can't rush perfection.

That's it from here....

Now What

Ok so the weekend could have gone better. I certainly did not need to hear that yet another person in my life is pregnant but...it certainly could be worse.

I am not sure what is going on with this cycle. Today's temp was the lowest my temp has ever been. I wonder if there really is something wrong with me that the blood tests are picking up.

Ray and I had a very busy weekend with guests from all over showing up... we gave our guests our bedroom so there was no hanky panky going on while we were shacking up on the air mattress. Last night though was a totally different story :D

I am not sure if I'll ovulate this cycle. If it turns out I don't I really need to make an appointment with the ob/gyn to see what is going on. Because if three of the last 4 cycles charting are annovulatory than there is something very wrong with me that needs to be addressed. I have a feeling clomid is in my future!

On the bright side the abscesses seem to be getting better. I just have to make sure I keep taking care of myself.

Feck

8 at last count

8 girls pregnant that I know either personally or through other means...8 in the last 6 months. WTF is going on??

Yeah I know-we're trying now. We've finally gotten on our way and yet...it still hurts to hear that there are people in the universe who are already where you want to be. I don't think I can handle another pregnancy announcement without hanging myself.

It is hard to be genuinely excited for people when all you see is your own failings or attempts. It's like a lot of things in our lives. It takes us so long to make a decision on something and then finally, when the decision is agreed upon or modified--it seems like everyone pops up with the thing you want.

Ray and I talked last night. While I consider us already TTC he still considers us TTW. But if I had to be honest with myself I could NEVER see us really "timing" sex or just having sex around ovulation days. Besides the fact that I enjoy having sex with Ray, I am pretty sure Ray would stage a revolt if we ended up only having sex three or four times a cycle. I don't want that. I need a willing partner and if that means more sex for the both of us, so be it.

Lately I am back to having some medical issues that I wish would just go away. Ever since I was in college I've been plagued by abscesses in areas of my body that would make most people cringe. I don't know if it's because I am overweight or family history (mom gets them, auntie gets them etc) but I do know I hate them. I have two right now one under each armpit. I can barely raise my arms above my head they hurt that much. I've tried all kinds of remedies and I am on a natural turmeric remedy now. I sure hope it works as they hurt like heck.

I try to keep this information as much from Ray as possible since my health is a major concern for him and BIG factor with why we didn't move on the TTC thing earlier. I know that if I tell him all my "health issues" it certainly will put us back until he thinks I am well enough. Truthfully, I've been suffering with these health issues for the last few years...I don't see any sign of it really changing and I am not ready to wait until they all clear up 100% before moving with the whole TTC/TTW thing...

Either way...I am making the best of my situation.

Well that's it from here.