November Rain

I love the holidays...

I love that it's fall and that our anniversary is coming up.

What I don't love is that this is our two year anniversary. You know the "unoffical" anniversary when people start to ask "so, when can we hear the pitter patter of little feet?" As if they could ask such a question without sounding like they are prying into your personal business...

Last week was my 29th birthday...another birthday where people ask "aren't you getting to the point where you should start thinking about having a family"--it's all coming together all at once.

I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I think the same things. Or worse I think "it will never happen so why try"- this month marks the 5th month of our offically trying--and about 7 months of not really trying and not really preventing either. I suppose I shouldn't be so down about it...you know except for the pesky fact that I haven't ovulated in these last 5 months...and no one but me seems to be concerned with that.

I feel like the hits just keep coming and no one wants to help me fight. Not even Ray. Even though I know, by and large, that isn't true. I just feel alone.

I am not charting (I mentioned this before) because I don't even know how to mark half the stuff that's going on in my body. My BBT hasn't changed in months and all I do is spot, bleed, take a few weeks off...

The fact that I've lost almost 10% of my weight hasn't helped either. And i am screaming mad at the new ob/gyn for missing some important info about my tests. Not to mention I just found out that a woman here at work (who I know through occasional contact) is pregnant and she's at least 100lbs heavier than I am/was. I am not sure what to do any more.

I know I can't focus on other people...I have to focus on me. But it just seems so cold out here in the November Rain!

2 More Days

The ever fated Dr's Appointment is only two days away. It's weird how I feel about this appointment. In one way or another I am glad to be going in another way, I am scared to death.

I can't say that things are going well. This cycle, like the last, is all messed up. The spotting has not stopped it gets better, than worse, then better again. I am afraid to have sex with Ray because I don't want to bleed and yet---obviously the whole having sex thing is important (yeah this is a ttc blog after all).

I've stepped away from the ovusoft forums for a little while. I just feel like I am not fitting in right now with them and I got some pretty harsh critism from some of the girls. Which I guess, I deserved but still. Being as upset and depressed as I am I suppose I felt I deserved some slack but here it is...

Apparently if you haven't been trying for at least 6 months or longer no one feels bad for you if you have serious medical issues (like I do right now) to them it's "nothing" not "long enough" and "insensitive" to other people to go on about how you just feel like giving up because nothing is going right. Apparently, I am supposed to put on a brave face and "get over it" because there are other people who have been seriously diagnosed as infertile an that's where all my sympathies should be. Sorry but I am a selfish cow. I feel bad for all of you but really...I am sick of being sick so pardon me if my sympathy is for myself and not for you!

I am not usually this nasty about stuff. I do feel bad for the hopelessly infertile- for those who have suffered multiple m/cs and chemical pregnancies. But I think in some ways I feel worse for those girls who have never even had a single + test, who don't ovulate, who have even less of a chance. I feel bad for women who have had body parts removed making the chance of getting pregnant even less remote.

So while I feel for these women I also know that it could be my fate too and so...if I say things like I've given up hope for my own BFP it only mimics the helplessness I feel in my heart. And people can go on and claim sensitivity to those who have had mulitple m/cs and issues but then I ask where is the sensitivity to my situation?