Monday, August 20, 2007

2 More Days

The ever fated Dr's Appointment is only two days away. It's weird how I feel about this appointment. In one way or another I am glad to be going in another way, I am scared to death.

I can't say that things are going well. This cycle, like the last, is all messed up. The spotting has not stopped it gets better, than worse, then better again. I am afraid to have sex with Ray because I don't want to bleed and yet---obviously the whole having sex thing is important (yeah this is a ttc blog after all).

I've stepped away from the ovusoft forums for a little while. I just feel like I am not fitting in right now with them and I got some pretty harsh critism from some of the girls. Which I guess, I deserved but still. Being as upset and depressed as I am I suppose I felt I deserved some slack but here it is...

Apparently if you haven't been trying for at least 6 months or longer no one feels bad for you if you have serious medical issues (like I do right now) to them it's "nothing" not "long enough" and "insensitive" to other people to go on about how you just feel like giving up because nothing is going right. Apparently, I am supposed to put on a brave face and "get over it" because there are other people who have been seriously diagnosed as infertile an that's where all my sympathies should be. Sorry but I am a selfish cow. I feel bad for all of you but really...I am sick of being sick so pardon me if my sympathy is for myself and not for you!

I am not usually this nasty about stuff. I do feel bad for the hopelessly infertile- for those who have suffered multiple m/cs and chemical pregnancies. But I think in some ways I feel worse for those girls who have never even had a single + test, who don't ovulate, who have even less of a chance. I feel bad for women who have had body parts removed making the chance of getting pregnant even less remote.

So while I feel for these women I also know that it could be my fate too and so...if I say things like I've given up hope for my own BFP it only mimics the helplessness I feel in my heart. And people can go on and claim sensitivity to those who have had mulitple m/cs and issues but then I ask where is the sensitivity to my situation?


Cathy said...

I have/had a hard time fitting into the whole ttc (either just trying or infertility) community also. Because sometimes you just DON'T fit. You know there's something wrong from the outset.

You know what? I didn't try for 6 months. Calendar-wise it was almost exactly a year from last bcp to positive test. But most of that time was spent dealing with other medical stuff that meant not trying. And so I got the same sort of response in a lot of ways - I hadn't been "trying" for long enough to be concerned/upset. I knew after the first month that it wasn't going to happen on its own; my body was too far gone.

Spotting like you are is cause for concern. You know your body, you know something is wrong. You may not be infertile but that doesn't make you normal and healthy either.

Try to be patient with yourself and your body. Talk to your doctor and try to find out what's going on. Hopefully it's easily remedied, and you can get back on track.

I'm around if you ever need a sympathetic ear.

laurenjean said...

i am thinking of you alot right now - knowing your appt is today.

i think it is a good idea to get off that site for a bit if you arent feeling like you fit right now - you have enough going on that you dont need to be pulled down at all by people who are obviously choosing not be to caring of your personal situation. the dr told me that 1 year is the point when infertility treatments are usually discussed because it take the avgerage woman 6 or 8 months to conceive, so maybe these other women have just wrapped their minds around that and refuse to let go.

my dear - you do what is best for you and your journey and for those who want to be there - yay for us and everyone else can go pound sand as far as i am concerned!