Sunday, December 9, 2007

What Do You Do With The Emptiness?

The minutes tick by--tick tock, tick tock. It seems almost endless---this feeling of emptiness.

It never goes away.

From time to time the pain subsides and you convince yourself you can "handle" it. So you fill the emptiness with travel plans and seeing friends and anything else that you can muster. You pretend that the emptiness you feel isn't there. You pretend that everything is okay.

Until one day-it just isn't any more. And life can offer you nothing but harshness and sorrow. And there is no answer and there is no reason. But you wake up and try to remain positive-that today things will be different and maybe, just maybe that emptiness will be gone forever.

The waiting, the hoping, and the longing-these are the worst parts. Who can understand? Who can really know? Every where you look there is another reminder of your failure and the emptiness that seems so pervasive-so real, you can hardly breathe.

There are days when I feel like giving up is the right answer. Shielding myself from all the future pain, letting the emptiness go by pushing it so far inside of me I'll never give it the chance to see the light of day again. Hope is the worst...hope is pain.

And yet for some fucked up reason I keep hoping. I keep thinking "there will be a change" I am doing what I've been asked, I am trying and yet it isn't working. What is wrong with me???

The emptiness always finds me. It never stays away for long. The sadness overwhelms me. There is nothing to be done but lose hope. I can't do that yet because something inside me keeps it alive...the thought-the mere mention of it.

Our life without children the thought is hard to endure...much like the emptiness it creates.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi, I found you on TCOYF website and wanted to read your blog. My friend is going through a similar situation except she hasn't had her period in over a year unless it's drug induced, but with no ovulation. She saw a natural method doctor and he put her on this yeast free, sugar free diet for a month with all these vitamin supplements and she still has had no luck. I want to encourage you as I do her to try to stay positive. Maybe you should plan a mini get away at a nice local hotel to reconnect with DH. Or try to find a place to volunteer to boost your spirits. I also shop when depressed, but in the end it makes me more depressed because I feel guilty about the money I spent. Hang in there, things will get better and work out in the end!

Sarah R said...

Hang in there sweety! I know how hopeless it seems but things do happen and they WILL happen for you, one way or another!! *hugs*