Keep on Keeping on, I guess

I am tired today. The usual- my life sucks and this isn't going well depression tired that I get when I can't control every single aspect of my life.

I am reminded of a quote from the Matrix when I get like this "Fate, it seems, was not without a sense of irony." For years and years I spent being afraid to get pregnant. I mean literally scared to death. If it was 8 years ago and I ended up pregnant it would have been a tough and heart wrenching choice for me. Now, it's all I think about and not about not wanting but wanting so bad I can't stand to be in the same room as myself when I get like this.

It is ironic isn't- that you can go years and years being afraid of something without ever knowing that you couldn't have gotten pregnant even if you wanted to. Now, I am sitting here looking at my chart (which is stuck and doing absolutely nothing) wondering why I spent so much time worrying about something that obviously my body is incapable of doing.

Clearly I am sad today because of what my body is and is not doing.

I started spotting again three days ago. A light spot, brown mostly but it's there. The CF has been sticky/creamy and my temps are low again...and if I hadn't already been tested for a crappy thyroid I might be inclinded to believe that was the problem...but what my charts are showing, and from what I know is the following:

First, and most notably, I am not ovulating. Second, my progesterone levels are low when I do ovulate (which isn't often) and finally, I bleed mid-cycle which is a very bad sign (cysts seem likely, even fibriods). I feel like I am falling apart.

The spotting only started last month when we finally decided to get on the TTC track. Of course, once again there is that irony. The waiting to see the doctor is getting almost as bad as any two week wait I am sure. Why can't things just be right with me??

My mom says I worry too much, that just because my cycles are a little irregular (ok Mom, bleeding mid-cycle is not "irregular" it's down right out of control) that everything is probably fine. But she doesn't know that I know that I am not ovulating and that my progesterone levels are low...she doesn't know because I can't explain charting to her (she would totally laugh at me if I did). And even though I try and talk with Ray I know he doesn't totally get how HOPELESS I feel right now.

The more I think about his stupid sister being pregnant or freakin' half his cousins getting knocked up accidently the more I just wanna isolate myself from the world. I can't stand it. It would be bad enough if I were just having mild baby-fever but this is full on baby-fever with no cure...not even a hint of a cure.

More than anything I am scared to see the doctor and hear what she has to tell me. I am afraid that she'll examine me and find problems which would set us back a long time to TTC and I feel I've already waited and wasted enough time. I am ANGRY at my husband because if we had started TTC 6 months ago, when I go to this appointment I'd have something to prove to her...she'd take me more seriously...now I know I am going to hear the old "give it another 4 or 5 months and then come back to me" But I KNOW this is not going to change and I feel so annoyed.

I am trying to keep moving forward, I am trying not to let myself get into this funk about TTC. I am trying to remember that sex isn't just for making babies but to reconnect with Ray in a more intimate way and yet I feel like having sex is a reminder of what cannot happen. He sees it in me when we are together...and I can't tell him without hurting his feelings.

I wish I could just let it go and be okay with whatever happens but my incessant need to control this has left me abandoned...