Another Day, Another Dr, Another Appointment

So, we are back to square 1 on this whole baby thing.

I got a recommendation for another Ob/Gyn which I will be seeing, along with all my medical records, on January 18. With any luck I'll get some answers.

In the meantime the weight loss continues. I am hoping I will be about 4 to 6 lbs less before I see her. Not sure how feesible that is but, you never can tell with weight loss. I am not going to push myself. Tonight, however, I am going to give my biggest loser workout dvd a try and see how I like it.

Regarding everything else. My period "ended" about a week ago but I am still spotting fairly regularly but at least I am not bleeding everywhere like I was for those three weeks. The bleeding started again when Ray and I had sex on Sunday, I was only bleeding very lightly before that--now the spotting is a bit more. I can't tell if my issue is cervical (nothing in my exams indicates that) uterine (it could be something there based on my u/s that the doc barely looked at or acknowledged) or homrmonal (could also be that). I wonder if I am going to have to insist that the test be run again if she can't give me a better understanding of why I was brushed off so callously with the "lose weight and everything will be okay" line by the other doctor.

What Do You Do With The Emptiness?

The minutes tick by--tick tock, tick tock. It seems almost endless---this feeling of emptiness.

It never goes away.

From time to time the pain subsides and you convince yourself you can "handle" it. So you fill the emptiness with travel plans and seeing friends and anything else that you can muster. You pretend that the emptiness you feel isn't there. You pretend that everything is okay.

Until one day-it just isn't any more. And life can offer you nothing but harshness and sorrow. And there is no answer and there is no reason. But you wake up and try to remain positive-that today things will be different and maybe, just maybe that emptiness will be gone forever.

The waiting, the hoping, and the longing-these are the worst parts. Who can understand? Who can really know? Every where you look there is another reminder of your failure and the emptiness that seems so pervasive-so real, you can hardly breathe.

There are days when I feel like giving up is the right answer. Shielding myself from all the future pain, letting the emptiness go by pushing it so far inside of me I'll never give it the chance to see the light of day again. Hope is the worst...hope is pain.

And yet for some fucked up reason I keep hoping. I keep thinking "there will be a change" I am doing what I've been asked, I am trying and yet it isn't working. What is wrong with me???

The emptiness always finds me. It never stays away for long. The sadness overwhelms me. There is nothing to be done but lose hope. I can't do that yet because something inside me keeps it alive...the thought-the mere mention of it.

Our life without children the thought is hard to endure...much like the emptiness it creates.