Wednesday, May 11, 2011

A Day Early

I had to urge to write so I am writing today instead of tomorrow.

I am miserable. Not only has the acne come back and I feel like crap but nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, is happening with this cycle. Today is CD16-hope is completely gone.

I know what you are thinking; “Chris, it’s only the first cycle off the BCP your body may take some time to adjust.” But, c’mon folks, I’m no idiot. I know how this ends.

There isn’t even any kind of CM happening. It’s like (and pardon the TMI) a barren desert. I am having major cramping though which means my ovaries are on overload- a very bad sign indeed. Seriously, FML.

With the niggling doubt and hopelessness come the inevitable questions:

Do I just give up? Not even see the whole process through. Throw away the chance at having another one?

I know, in my heart, if I give up now (on Cycle 1 only 16 days into the cycle) I’ll never see another baby in my life that’s mine. Because (and this was the problem from the very start of even thinking about having a second) I cannot stand the heartbreak, the heartache, the endless vials of blood taken, the expensive medications and the decreasing amount of time I have with the daughter that already exists. How selfish am I to want to go through this entire process again?

And if I do decide to go through with this at what point do I say “I can’t do it on my own”- how long do I have to wait to make the phone call to the RE to say “HELP”- longer than 16 days into Cycle 1 would be my guess. All the while knowing that without some kind of intervention, my ovaries are a ticking time bomb. There is no knowing if they’ll ever do what they were meant to do.

What bothers me, what annoys me the most though, is that despite weight loss, despite watching my blood glucose and taking my vitamins there is absolutely nothing I can do to improve my situation without medication. My ovaries will NEVER work on their own how they are supposed to.

I am not sure why I allowed myself to get so delusional about it. I really thought that after losing 62lbs, getting my shit together and being on the BCP that I would have some semblance of a normal cycle. So I could finally say “see Docs you were wrong about the PCOS diagnosis- I was just unlucky” – but I have come to realize that no, I am not just “unlucky” my body hates me.

That being said, I’ll monitor this cycle until it ends and then make the decision to either go back to the BCPs or stick it out. Ray told me he supports me either way, he doesn’t want to see me sad or upset but I also know he really wants to have another baby. And to be honest, so do I.


Anonymous said...

Knowing your history with PCOS, is there any reason you can't go see the RE sooner and get back on medication? You shouldn't have to wait months if you know what your experience was like before.

Ann M. said...

I don't think that you're being selfish. Hard on yourself, yes, but selfish-no. I think Clara would rather have a happy mama who is at peace with her decision (whatever that may be) than an unhappy one.

I'd try calling the RE now, the worst that can happen there is that they'll tell you what you need to do before you can go back to them as a patient.

I'm sorry that this did not go as you'd hoped.

Maria Delgado said...

Praying for u friend.