Once a week

So I promised myself that I would keep up with this blog once a week. So here is your weekly installment of me. I hope you don’t mind.

I wish I could say things were going on right now. They aren’t. I am a week away from finishing these ridiculous birth control pills. I have a few things I need to do to prepare myself for ttc again.

I need to go to the dentist. I have several cavities that I would like to have fixed/filled before I get pregnant. At the very least I need to have the x-rays done. I would prefer to be sedated if possible during the process (get them all done at once maybe?) and I don’t think I can be pregnant for that. So I need to make that appointment (which, yeah, not happy about it).

I also need to make a half-hearted attempt at finding some of our old baby-gear. We need the infant insert for our car seat. Ray told me he has no idea where it is and I am not sure we can get a replacement. If another baby is as tiny as Clara was at birth we will definitely have use of it.

On a totally separate note 4 of the moms who had babies in Clara’s Infant I class (basically Clara’s age, maybe a little older) either have new babies now or are pregnant now. Also two of Ray’s cousins are pregnant too. I told Ray it was a good thing we decided to have another one or I’d be going a little batty right now. I have to admit though it’s hard to wait, especially since we don’t know what my body is going to do.

In case I didn’t mention what the plan is (did I mention it, I probably did); we are going to go try on our own for the next three/four months. Then in September I will meet with the Ob/Gyn again and get her thoughts. My guess is if I am not pregnant she’ll recommend I go back to the RE. I’ll have her send my records over there and I’ll call for an appointment. Then it’s probably back to testing for both of us. Ray already told me he isn’t looking forward to doing the semen analysis again. I told him we would do it at Shady Grove again like we did the second one the last time. I doubt his count/motility/morphology got any better from three years ago though. It won’t matter since most of the infertility stuff really falls on me. We just need “one good one” for him.

As for our already existing miracle well she seems to be doing quite well. She’s still waking up in the middle of the night for no reason. I am not sure if she’s having nightmares that wake her or what. Usually Ray goes down and calms her down and usually that works. It’s still a battle at least once a week to get her dressed in the morning. She threw a massive fit yesterday for example but the rest of this week she’s been fine. I got to spend a little extra time with her this morning in her daycare room because Ray accidentally forgot her daycare bag (lunch, snack etc) at home. So we spent an extra 40 minutes hanging out waiting for Ray to come back to the school with it.

She’s a funny and cute little thing though. She wanted to spend her morning showing off in the classroom for me followed by sitting next to me and hugging me. She was NOT HAPPY when I left but I tried to tell her that I was there until Daddy brought her bag back but that didn’t compute. Shana (her teacher) said that she was sure she would be fine once she was sitting down to eat her yogurt. It does make me wish I could spend more time doing fun stuff with her.

Anyway, this weekend is Easter and I still have not gotten Clara’s Easter basket together (bad mommy). So tonight Ray and I are off to Target to pick stuff up for her (and coffee too since we seem to be out all of a sudden, I don’t drink caffeine much now since I knew I’d have to give it up when I got pregnant so I didn’t know we were getting low).

That’s all from around here. Hope everyone has a blessed Easter.

T minus 13 Days

I have 13 more little pink pills left in my pill pack to take. I have to be honest I am a little nervous about stopping. Not because I am afraid of getting pregnant (which, if it happens just by coming off pill, would be a minor miracle) but because these pills have actually given me my life back in a lot of ways.

When Ray and I first got together I wasn’t taking anything at all. We used barrier methods because (and I can’t believe I am going to admit this in public) I didn’t want to go to the gyn. I had this major fear of being- well looked at. Plus I really dislike(d) doctors (oh the irony-clearly over that now). Anyway, my sister-in-law practically forced me into the doctor’s office about three months before my wedding. The gyn she was seeing (who retired before we wanted to have a baby) was extremely nice and I felt comfortable with her so the exam was fine. At the time my cycles were pretty regular for me (about 40 days or so) and I hadn’t given HBC much thought but she suggested that if we were serious about waiting that I should consider a pill. At the time I was not organized enough to remember one daily and so I asked about the patch. She told me because of my weight (I was around 180 at the time) that I would be better off with N.uvaring. I was on that for two years before we decided to have a baby.

But in those two years I had horrendous cycles and I was miserably depressed. I had also gained a lot of weight (about 40lbs) though I don’t that that was the pills I think that was just me.

You all know the story after I got off n.uvaring (no cycles, dx PCOS, a year of problems, and finally a visit to a specialist) but after I finished breastfeeding Clara the gyn had recommended I get a M.irena IUD. I knew my insurance wasn’t going to pay for either the device or insertion of the device, not to mention I wasn’t keen on the idea anyway. Ray and I weren’t 100% sure what we wanted to do regarding having more children and I didn’t want to make a special appointment to get the thing taken out. I wanted to just be able to stop taking pills or whatever. The doctor recommended Y.AZ instead.

I have to say I experienced little to no side effects with this pill. To the contrary it cleared up my face, I never lost my sex drive, I lost weight (wow), and my cycles were so much more manageable (hello 3 day period, I love you). Now, after being on this pill for the last 18 months or so I feel like I don’t know what will happen when I stop taking it. Will my cycles be screwy? Will the acne (ugh) come back? Will I be a raging beotch? I am scared and nervous about it. I mean I know it’s necessary so there is nothing I can do about it. But still my life is manageable with the pills and so naturally going off them is a little bit like walking a high wire.

I guess we’ll know in about a month or so how this will all play out. I am just hoping that with additional weight loss and the pills having done what they’ve done for the last 18 months that maybe, just maybe, it won’t be as bad as I think it might be

And we're back...

In so many ways.

Back here blogging (when time permits)
Back TTC again (or close to it, anyway)
Back with Clara not sleeping through the night(the fun continues)

Life has been interesting. This is my last month of BCP. I am both excited and, well not about it. I am excited because we are finally in a good position both emotionally and financially to add to our family. I am not excited about possibly going through the same heartbreak as before regarding the PCOS. When I talked with my Ob/Gyn in September she suggested we not go more than 3 months after I get off the BC (not including the month after I finish since we're not supposed to be trying that month) before I get an appointment with our RE. I will be seeing our Ob/Gyn in September anyway though (for my annual) so I'll probably discuss this with her again. If we're lucky (yeah, okay) we might be pregnant before the end of the summer. If not next fall we'll be at the RE.

We haven't exactly figured out what we are going to do about the insurance. Ray will have to see what his company is offering come the fall. I know my company will continue to offer the HSA and unfortunately I cannot have a PPO and an HSA otherwise that's what we would do. At this point since fertility is covered under my HSA if we are still trying at the start of next year (likely) we'll probably stick with that since we'll make the deductible before I go into the hospital putting our expenses at 80/20 using the traditional PPO option, not to mention Clara's repeat VCUG for next summer as well (since more than likely she'll have to have at least one more after the one this summer).

As for little Miss Clara well she seems to be doing well. We weaned her from the pacifier for all but night time sleeping. She is only allowed to use it in her room and on her bed if she wants to use it outside of night time sleeping. She does not use it for napping at school or any other time of day now. A real improvement from needing it all.the.time. We also moved her into a toddler bed because she was screaming her head off being in the crib (locked in, so typical aquarius) and wanted to sleep on the floor. Better in the toddler bed than on the floor, right? Anyway, for a while there she refused to sleep alone and so Ray and I would sit with her. Now we finally got her to go to sleep by herself. But she still wakes up about two times a night when she loses the pacifier. So, our next thing is to get rid of the pacifier at night time. We'll probably do that in a few weeks once we are convinced that she is putting herself to sleep without an issue.

As for potty training well that's sort of happening and well sorta not. She likes to be on the potty but she doesn't like to actually use it. She practices a lot, let's just say that. But we had already decided we were going to wait until after her next VCUG before we went full force on it. I think she'll respond well to a three day potty-training method but we'll see.

Anyway, so I'll be here and there posting my frustration about TTC again and maybe some good news too (at some point, right).

All Rolled Into One

First, let’s start with the obvious that I don’t think anyone reads this blog anymore so that’s why I haven’t been writing. This will probably become a monthly or quarterly thing now just to write down some thoughts. No use shouting at the rain.

Second, what’s going on around here? Well, lots to be honest. Overall, Clara has been really good. The nap scheduling at home has been horrendous; I am not going to lie. For some reason she will.not.nap at home. I have tried everything I can think of to get it done with failing results. She was so utterly exhausted this past weekend I had to have Ray drive her around in the car until she finally passed out. Gah.

But let me tell you why I am pissed off though. If you remember my last post about Clara’s VCUG you will notice that I didn’t mention our insurance. Why? Because we have an HSA. While this is not ideal it is/was better than the horrible PPO my company was offering last year and way, way better than Ray’s PPO last year. So, yeah, lesser of three evils I guess. Anywho, the whole deal with the HSA is that you basically pay out of pocket for medical expenses except you pay with a non-taxable savings account that can only be used for medical purposes. I know it sounds terrible but actually it’s not that bad. However, in order to determine exactly how much you will have to pay for one thing or another the best way is to call the place that will be doing the procedures (for doctor’s appointments and the like the cost is minimal so it’s not necessary but for larger procedures that require radiology work it’s best to call). So I DID call Hopkins and chatted with a very nice insurance specialist who assured me that my bill for all of Clara’s radiology stuff would be give or take $220. Yeah, fat chance, it was actually well over $1300 after doctor’s fees (which I specifically asked about), lab testing (which I specifically asked about) and additional facilities fees (like the use of the actual machinery, which I SPECIFICALLY ASKED ABOUT-you get the point). So naturally, I am really annoyed.

Our insurance company footed $24.00 of this bill while we paid the other $1200+ out of the HSA. I guess to be fair the entire amount we paid went to our deductible (which btw is a ridiculous $2500). And I am not so pissed off about having to pay the bill itself as I am that I was duped into believing that our bill would only be $220. I mean really you call yourself an insurance specialist what the HELL where you lookin’ at lady? Luckily for me and Ray we hardly ever get sick (knock on wood) and Clara has only been to the doctor for non-well baby stuff three times this year (a total blessing). Most of what comes out of our HSA is for my birth control pills (at $60 bucks a month because I am on YAZ for the PCOS) and her medication for the VUR (which is like $13 every 3 months or so). There was (and still is) plenty of money in the account but had I known that it was going to be this much we would have done her VCUG/ultrasound a bit sooner. Why? Because we would have satisfied the deductible that much sooner and all our subsequent bills would be mostly paid out of the “PPO” portion of the medical insurance at an 80/20 split which includes my birth control pills. I am convinced that insurance companies are the devil. Sadly I work for one (but again to be fair it’s not major med).

The whole insurance thing has put a bit of kink into our baby #2 plans. While the HSA works fine for people who don’t often get sick and require few, if any, medical procedures during the year (us, most of the time), it sees pregnancy as sickness for which all doctor’s visits are charged separately and admittance to the hospital comes under the deductible (the doc visits would also go towards satisfying the deductible). Additionally, any fertility treatments that I would require (and I would, of this there can be no doubt) I would also have to pay basically out of pocket for (again it would go towards the deductible). Now, Ray’s current PPO has really decent maternity coverage- you pay a $10 co-pay once for the doctor and then never again- all doctor’s visits are fully covered. The hospital stay is still subject to the deductible but the deductible is only $1300 ($1200 less than my HSA). Moreover, I keep any money in the HSA from year to year at the end of this year our HSA will have (with no additional contributions from me) about $1300. Sounds good right? Except for that pesky infertility which is covered under Ray’s insurance at $50 bucks a visit, all lab testing and monitoring may be subject to the deductible and there is a limit of $3500. What this all means is that instead of starting/trying for baby #2 in February/March of this year (when my bc prescription runs out) I will be asking my doc for a 6 month refill and we’ll be trying closer to next September/October of next year. This will allow me to build funds in the HSA over the coming year for the fertility treatments I’ll need but it will also us to switch to Ray’s PPO with the better maternity benefits at the start of 2012. And after discussion we also decided we wanted a little more alone time with Clara. If it all goes to plan she’ll be closer to 4 when baby #2 arrives which means only a year of paying for two in daycare, not to mention a child nearly out of college before the next one goes in- a bonus.

Ancillary to all that stuff going on-Ray and I are preparing for our first real trip sans baby. In April I went to Napa with my sister and mother for a little “girl’s getaway” which stranded me in California nearly an extra day. That was for a total of 4 nights. That’s the longest I’ve been away from Clara. However, over the last year Ray hasn’t spent more than two nights away from Clara. I am both excited and nervous about going. I made sure I told my sister where all the information for our life insurance is and I made sure to write down who gets custody of Clara in the event of our untimely deaths (morbid as it is- but shit does happen). Moreover, I prepared an authorization for medical treatment in case my mom and sister have to make decisions on our behalf. I think my biggest issue is that I won’t have a good time because I’ll be missing Clara too much. When I was in Napa I called Ray every day to check in on her (sometimes twice a day) and got daily pictures of her. While in Mexico it will be much more limited so I won’t really know what’s going on. I can say with complete confidence that I trust my mother and sister so I know Clara is in good hands. I would never have let anyone else watch her for that length of time. I don’t trust anyone else to do what’s best and make decisions for her in our stead without putting their own personal shit behind it *ahem* Ray’s parents *ahem.*

So that's about it from here. Let me know if you are still reading, maybe I'll update more.

*Whew*

A major sigh of relief. Clara had her yearly Pedatric Urology appointment yesterday which included a trip to pediatric radiology for a renal ultrasound and VCUG. I was really hoping for good news since my week had been pretty crappy.

My mom came down from NY to be with us since I was fairly certain that I could not be with Clara for the VCUG. If you recall the last time she had to have this done it was like a living nightmare. Now granted we were going to Hopkins Pediatric Radiology and not the peds unit at St Joe's followed by a trip to the regular radiologist. Everything, including the cath was done by an actual doctor too. But I still couldn't watch so I sent my mom in with Ray (since they are both calm and handle stuff very well).

She screamed during the ultrasound which I was present for but the technician was wonderful with her. Then we had about a 5 minute break before she had to have the VCUG done. I heard her crying through the door and of course I was upset but it would have been 10 times worse had I actually been in there. When my mom and Ray came out with Clara she was all smiles and so was Ray. I said "what happened I heard her" and my mom said "she's strong willed and did not want to be lying down, that's the reason she was screaming- the cath went in fine she didn't even cry for that" and then Ray said "good news is that the VUR is resolving"- I was so happy.

Our appointment with the pediatric urologist confirmed that her right kidney is slightly smaller than the left and both are without 'hydronephrosis' (scarring. Additionally they downgraded her VUR from 1/2 in the right to 1 (requiring no further treatment) and from 3/4 in the left to 2/3 which still requires treatment for at least another year possibly a few more years depending. Overall the urologist was very pleased with the result. He said a lot of it has to do with making sure she takes her antibiotics daily (which we of course do) and the fact that our Pediatrician had her tested so early. I told him another year or more of antibiotics was okay by us. He said "it's better than surgery" and I said "absolutely" and he said "I certainly don't need the business" and I said "or want it" and he said "exactly."

The Ped Uro said he would chat with our pedatrician about the results but that he thought that Dr DeVoe would be as please as he was. He also mentioned that if necessary Dr DeVoe would adjust her medication level for her height and weight.

So overall really great news. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that this resolves to 1 next year so there will be no need for antibiotics at all once she hits age 2.5.

On the Road (again)

So we’re off to Lake George for the next couple of days. This is our first real car trip with Clara. Obviously she’s been on a plane before and we’ve traveled the three hours up to NYC before but somehow I think this is different.

Clara is 17.5 months old now which means temper tantrums galore. Although to be honest she’s been pretty decent. If you don’t count the hysterical fits of crying that take place when we tell her that Whispurr (our Siamese cat) is done “playing with you for the night.” But really she isn’t “bad”. I only wish we had been able to successfully wean her from her pacifier habit before the trip because if she loses it while we are in the car it’s like a nightmare to find it and give it back to her. The only positive thing is that my mom will be joining us on the trip from Queens to Lake George so at least someone will be back there with her (either me or my mother).

It will be nice to take Clara to a place I love. We spent several summers when I was a kid up there. Most recently I lived just south of Lake George in Clifton Park. It feels like it’s been a really long time since I was up there. Gosh, I think it’s been about 7 years now. That translates into the same amount of time that I spent living there while I was in college and law school.

I’m not gonna lie, I do miss it at times. Some of my greatest memories are of living upstate, some of my greatest heartbreaks too. I wouldn’t change any of it though.

So the plan is to spend as much time hanging out and swimming as possible. Then take a lunch cruise on the Luc du Sant Sacrament, possibly take a paddle boat on the lake and meet with my old law school buddy for dinner and drinks. Another great thing about having my mom around is that she agreed to play babysitter while we hang out with my friend. I am thinking we might take a ride down into Saratoga but we’ll see.

I am looking forward to taking lots of pictures of Clara swimming and boating and just being a kid. It’s strange how fast she’s growing. I looked at her today and I thought “wow, she’s a real little girl now.” And it happened in the blink of our eyes.

Oh Well...

I am having one of those days. You know the kind of day where you think “this isn’t fair?”

So if you read my last post you know that Ray and I have a somewhat set plan for Baby #2. And providing it all goes the way it should I think the plan will work out rather nicely. Plus if we are lucky and Ray ends up with a better paying job things might get started sooner. Although, if I have to be honest I doubt it will happen.

Anyway, one of the attorneys in my office who had a baby 2.5 months before I had Clara just told me she’s expecting #2. I am not surprised. I just had a feeling that any day now she was going to announce her pregnancy. Somehow, I have this weirdo intuition about these things.

It’s not that I want to rush our well thought out plan. Nor do I want to throw us into a difficult financial situation (it wouldn’t be life ending but it would be very tight) but part of me is so “not fair.” We actually have to wait for our savings account to have more money and loans to be paid off before we can even consider another baby. Not just because of the finances associated with putting a second kiddo in daycare/feeding/diapers but because of the treatments I will inevitably have to go through in order to get baby #2.

I like this attorney. She has always been super nice to me and friendly. I don’t have an issue with anyone to be honest. But things still sometimes rub me the wrong way. I am not sure how many people in my office know the struggle we went through to get pregnant, I am not sure I really want them to know. After all it is personal business. But she asked me so casually “so any company for Clara?” and I said “not right now, probably not for a while actually” and, I know she was asking innocently but then she said “oh, why not?” and I said “a few reasons; first, I had a difficult time getting pregnant to begin with and I am not looking forward to starting that process again because of both time and expense and secondly, daycare isn’t cheap and I have to find a way to pay for two.” And she kind of just shrugged and said “it will all work out.” I like her optimism but she has that luxury- she’s a corporate attorney who probably makes twice what I make and her husband is an architect who probably makes twice what Ray makes. So I am sure they can afford to have many more children. But where I am, it’s not possible. Even if it is something I want.

I try not to let myself feel bad about stuff like this. I know we are doing what is on best interest emotionally and financially. But still it feels a bit like a kick in the pants that I can’t just do whatever I want whenever I want. I just hope at some point we do get to give Clara a brother or sister. If not, well I guess we’ll be okay either way.