Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Do You Ever Just Wonder

Do you ever wonder if when people say "I'm sorry it's not working out for you" that they really mean "I'm glad it's not working out for you because I am having a hard time and if I'm not happy I don't want anyone to be happy?"

I am not saying anyone who reads this blog feels that way about me. But a girl in one of my buddy groups on an infertility forum I post on was saying that a girl friend of hers just found out she's pregnant after 3 years with IVF. She said she was happy for them but not for another friend who had only been trying for 1 month. She said she was upset with the couple who was only trying for one month because it was so easy for them.

Sometimes I catch myself feeling that way too. Like, it isn't fair when it happens so easily. Or when I hear about yet another 15 year old who got herself "accidentially" knocked up. All of Ray's cousins (or wives) got pregnant on the first try, or when they weren't trying and I find myself resenting them, avoiding baby showers and pictures.

I don't want to be like that. I want to be happy for a person just because they are choosing to bring a child into the world. I want to be thrilled that they did that and be happy for them. But all I ever think is "why not me?"

And then there is the other thing I think about and that's the people who are having trouble, or who have had trouble. I think maybe they aren't as supportive of other infertile couples as they seem to be. Like we are all supposed to be thrilled when one of "us" gets pregnant but what if someone has been experiencing IF for 2 years and other 1 year and the one who was experiencing IF less time gets pregnant first...there has to be a lot of anger with the person who's been trying for two know?

Or those girls that already had a baby and are experiecing so-called "secondary infertility"- sometimes I get so upset and think "but they already have ONE, I don't even have that." Or the even rarer breed of women who get pregnant after infertility and then don't want anyone else to be pregnant, whether infertile or not because it was so hard for them.

I just want to be okay with the way things are going for us now. I don't want to be "upset" that someone had an easy go of it. It's nice that there are people in the world who don't have to worry about this kind of stuff. If a girl friend of mine gets pregnant, whether trying or not, whether experiencing issues or not I am going to resolve, right here and now, to be happy for them. I won't allow my pain to create uncomfortable relationship with people.

I know I am better than that.

On to something else. We got Ray's SA results back from the RE. Pre-wash was okay about 15m (should be closer to 20m), 34% motile (should be closer to 50%), 47% normal forms (WHO 4th says at least 14% so we are really good there), 5.2ml (anything about 2.5 is awesome). Post-wash the motility went up to 45% and the count went to 7m which is actually really good the lab tech said. So if we want to do IUI we can, don't have to go straight into IVF (thank goodness). But I think we decided on an au naturale cycle this month and next month. We'll discuss IUI come July.

I have my fingers crossed that my CD12 u/s will show at least two nice follies for me to ovulate. I don't want to have to max out on clomid and because I am ovulating again on my own I don't think we'll need to go past 100 (at least I hope not). I have hope this cycle.

Tomorrow is my CD3 bloodwork and I get to pick up my 'script for the clomid and start taking it on Friday!


Ann M. said...

It is really hard. I know that I could find myself being happy for other people when things went right for them but it simultaneously made me feel even more like crap. I wouldn't say that it made me jealous exactly, it just made me look more at myself and reflect on my own situation. I think it's OK to feel like that. Because I tell you what, I still get that way when I hear that so-and-so is pregnant and it was an accident or their very first try or whatever.

Alicia said...

Good luck with this cycle sweetie!
I can't say that I understand whjat your feeling because Chris and I haven't "activly" started trying yet. I've never experienced what you and Ray are. I do know that I will continue to pray for you guys and wish you all of the best this cycle!