Wednesday, May 25, 2011

How Do You Convince Yourself It Will Be Okay?

CD1 has arrived and let’s just say the bloom is off this rose for sure. I wanted so much for this to be the cycle so I could avoid the inevitable crap that comes with PCOS. I wanted to convince myself that I would be happy even without being pregnant because my body finally cooperated but at the same time I knew I’d be crying.

Now I have to steel myself for the next go round, the hoping and the praying that maybe we’ll have normal cycles. Hoping and praying that even if I do ovulate again without meds that the spotting this time was a fluke (not likely based on my previous test which required me to take a progesterone suppository in order to stay pregnant with Clara). It’s like a big list of unknowns and I fucking hate it!

Why am I doing this to myself again? Why am I letting myself get all worked up about TTC. I feel like this shit just never seems to go our way. Yeah, I know it’s the first cycle so how could I expect anything better but at the same time there are billions of women who get pregnant without a problem right out of the gate. WHY CAN’T I BE ONE OF THEM?

It’s hard not to be angry or upset about this kind of thing. Seriously, the only thing I want to do is be freakin’ NORMAL. Why is that too much to ask? Why do I have to make myself sick with worry that on top of everything else I might have a problem with progesterone?

Do you know that ALL of the women who had babies with me at work (i.e the ones who shared the pumping room with me) all have second kids now? ALL OF THEM. Did you know that all the babies that were first borns in Clara’s Infant I class at daycare all have siblings for their children now- ALL OF THEM. I feel like my life is a big joke and everyone is laughing but me.

Yeah, I am feeling sorry for myself- Big Time sorry for myself. Our friends who have a 1 year old told me a month ago they are about to start trying again and I just know she’ll be pregnant next month and I’ll still be waiting to see what my body decides to do. This shit SUCKS SO HARD. I just keep setting myself up for disappointment after disappointment.

It’s so hard to just convince myself that this cycle was a step in a positive direction because in the back of my mind I know there is something else wrong, even without the PCOS. Do I make the call now? Do I wait? Do I give up? I want to give up, sad as that seems, pathetic as that is, I just want to run away give up the whole thing and BE OKAY with it. But I won’t be, I know I won’t be. And yet it’s just too much for me right now.

2 comments:

Maria Delgado said...

Praying for you friend. So sorry that you are going through this.

*Maria*

Ann M. said...

:( I'm sorry, Chrissy. I was wondering how you were doing.

There are a few things you can do, but the first thing you should really try to focus on is giving yourself a break. I know it is really easy for me to say because I don't have to do it, but you have come so far and you're such a great person. It is OK to want another child, it's difficult especially when it seems to be all around you. You are beating yourself up over something that you may not have any control over. I know the fact that you have no control over this gets you the most. And that's the part that, as your friend and reading your struggles, I wish you would forgive yourself a little for. You are doing the best you can. I know it doesn't feel like enough right now. Again, you can take this for what it's worth: me as an observer and a friend trying to help. You can ignore this as you see fit, or take some or all of it to heart. You can either take a break from TTC and just monitor your cycles for awhile to see if you're ovulating on your own without the pressure of the two week wait; you can turn all of this over to a doctor because if it is your body working in mysterious ways, that's the best way to move forward. I don't think that you want to give up yet. But you need to make a decision that you feel comfortable with, that makes you feel like you are moving forward, toward what you want.

I'm always here if you want to vent--phone, email, blog, whatever.