Friday, May 27, 2011

Moving on

I decided to take Ann's advice and not beat myself up (thanks Ann, for always being a good friend to me). I think part of my problem is just being hopeful. I am not an optimist by nature. I like to say I am pragmatic but Ray says no, I am a true pessimist. I think pessimist is extreme but, it might be more accurate. If there is something between pragmatism and pessimism that would be my life philosophy. We'll call it chrissyism.

After my emotional breakdown on Wednesday (my cycle actually fully started on Thursday for those of you keeping track of my chart) Ray and I had a nice long chat. I figure I can keep going if I know at some point we'll get help and it won't be in 6 or 7 months, that it will be sooner rather than later. He told me he wants to stick it out "see what happens" not "rush" to force my body with meds etc. I honestly think he wants to avoid doing another SA, which is eye-rolling to say the least. I know his last experience with the SAs were terrible but I told him that we'd be with the RE from the start and so the conditions in which he'd have to do his business wouldn't be like they were the first time around. I also told him that there would be a chance he wouldn't have to do it again.

After much discussion he asked me why I was so desperate to go back. I told him that I really think that this cycle was a fluke and that future cycles waiting for ovulation are a waste of time. He thinks that because I've lost more weight and that the cinnamon tea is helping he doesn't want to just give up. All that stuff is helping, of course, but how consistently remains to be seen. I still have PCOS that's the shit that won't change, so I can drink 10 cups of tea a day, and lose 25 more lbs and it might not make any more difference now than it did. This cycle isn't indicative of anything, IMHO.

He said he still wanted to see how this cycle went and then I could call. I asked him if that meant I had to wait until i started bleeding again because that could be 40 or 50 days from now, if I don't ovulate. I told him I wasn't willing to wait that long and that if he didn't want to be a willing partner with me that we could just stop the whole thing right now. He said he wasn't trying to force an all or nothing just that he didn't want to run back there if my body was in fact working. I said I am not waiting for the next cycle to start because I don't know if that will be in 30 days or 60 days- producing nothing but agony as I go through the cycle. Then he asked me at what point would I know the cycle was a 'bust' so i told him honestly within 20 days. He basically agreed to compromise after that and said that if nothing is happening within 20 days I could call and set up our appointment.

So as it stands now, I am charting this cycle for the next 20 days to see what, if anything, happens. Let's just say I am not holding my breath for a repeat. But in case it does happen I'll consider it a good thing (obviously). To be clear I still wouldn't think that me O'ing two cycles in a row would be indicative of anything and it certainly wouldn't prove him right (because it just wouldn't). If nothing happens (as I suspect nothing will), I'll make the call the morning of the 20th day and set up the appointment. In the meanwhile, I am back to once a week update here on the blog.

Thanks for all the Thoughts and Prayers and support and comfort- it means a lot.


R said...

this is my first time visiting your blog and I can honestly say that although I have no personal experience with infertility, I have many friends and family members who have, and my heart hurts for every single one of you. I can't understand what you're going through, or even have a clue what half of your abbreviations actually stand for, but I can read your heartache and pain in your words, and I'm so sorry for it...

Oh hey - speaking of all the kids in your daughter's classroom etc. who have younger siblings already? Here's one who doesn't!! Goose was born the same month as Clara Rose and we're not pregnant again yet... I'm ready to start trying for #2 - hubs is not (because of daycare costs - boo!)

Wishing you the best of luck, and I'll be keeping you all in my thoughts & prayers. *hugs*

erin said...

Ugh. I wish I had words to make everything "okay", but I know that is foolish and bit naive. So, I will just say that I am praying for you and Ray, and I am so sorry that this is happening.

From everything that I have read on your blog, you are a strong, intelligent, caring woman and I know you will be able to get through this. And like Ann said, don't beat yourself up for being upset. You are so definitely allowed!

Praying for you!