OTAC-again, CD6 and Counting

On Wednesday right before my Dr's appointment I realized that AF had decided to make her appearance. Awesome! I was miserable because I thought I would have to cancel the appointment that I already waited 3 weeks to get to begin with. When I called the receptionist she told me to come in anyway because I was a new patient and because it was CD1 and not very heavy. I am glad I went.

But it was funny because at first I thought, this is just "heavy spotting" again nothing to worry about it will be gone by the end of the day...but it really is AF. Can I tell you how excited I am? I know it's a strange thing to be excited about having AF but for me this means that I get to start a new cycle, hopefully with better results than my last cycle (55 days, totally annovulatory fit with a ton of spotting and stress). I just hope that we get a chance to time our sex this time around.

If it works out to be correct and I O anywhere between CD11-24 I will be in Australia with Ray...normally that would be cool, you know TTC on vacation and all. But we are staying with friends nearly the entire trip so...I am not sure humping in someone's guest bed is the best way to make an impression. But I don't want to lose out on what could be one of only a handful of ovulatory cycles this year...so we have to find a way to do this.

Brisbane will be the hardest since the folks we are staying with are retired and probably will not leave us in the house alone (can't say I blame them, they hardly know us), that will only leave sex at night. However, my friends in Melbs know me very well and have every intention of leaving us on our own in their houses. So the second half of the week should be easy to get sex in. Plus if Ray goes more than 3 days without, well you know, getting it out of his system. He becomes bitchy and nasty with me (he's like a diabetic with low blood sugar)--so I have every incentive to make sure that doesn't happen.

Also from Saturday night until Monday morning we'll be on a plane so I won't be able to temp or check CM. Saturday morning will be the last time I can check on US time. I'll have to skip Sunday and Monday and just start again on Tuesday on Oz time since we'll miss Sunday all together being on the plane and Monday we'll be in at 7:35am Oz time but I will not have had a restful enough sleep to temp I don't think.

My pelvic u/s is scheduled for Wednesday at 6pm. I don't think I'll have any results before I leave to got Australia so update about my fertility will have to wait until I return from Oz.

Lots of things to think about and to work on. I do hope I stop bleeding soon though and that the spotting doesn't return.

The Doctor's Appointment

Hi!

So, today was the day. The day I saw the new ob/gyn. Questions loomed large:

1. Will I like her? (She's okay, but she's young and pregnant and I am not sure how I feel about that right now, I'd say if I was keeping score for her, that would be a -1. My other ob/gyn was clearly closer to menopause than child-bearing and it made me feel safer I guess. She was definitely more "motherly" than the new doctor. But overall she seems nice enough. But with some of the crap that's been happening lately I am not sure how I feel about a Doc who will possibly have two or three children before I can even conceive one, kwim?)

2. Will she take my cycle concerns and charts seriously? (A bit. The nurse more so than the doctor herself. She told me that the spotting was most likely caused because I am too fat. That isn't really news and this is an issue I've been struggling with. We talked about that and she suggested that we run a few tests to rule out anything hormonal and she also wrote a 'scipt for a pelvic ultrasound. This is a lot more than I thought I would get out of one visit so +1 for that I guess.)

3. Is there anything immediately wrong with me that she could tell right away? (she said everything "looks fine" and she couldn't feel any masses or lumps but that a pap and an ultrasound will rule out anything she couldn't see or feel herself. She was quick and pleasant and talked to me a bunch. So I guess that another +1)

Overall the experience was a positive one. I don't like doctors, I especially don't like ob/gyns mainly because I hate the idea of someone, you know, looking at me there. But mainly I don't like ob/gyns because sometimes I think they aren't as concerned with the patient's whole health as say most other doctors (well not surgeons, they are probably the worst to deal with). She did say that I would have to wait at least another 6 months before she would consider more evasive tests and that she wanted to see if weight loss really helped me. I asked, of course, about what if I couldn't lose weight at all in the next 6 months would that put the kabash on the whole thing. She told me that there is only so much she can do for me, if I was continuing to have issues and I couldn't lose weight she would happily refer me to an RE to help with both that and the whole TTC thing (again that's a +).

She did ask me if I knew how often ovulated in the last 6 cycles and I told her that according to my charts it was only once. She said she thought that after 6 more cycles of charting if I still wasn't ovulating that we may need to "jump start" my cycle and then help me ovulate (so it looks like if nothing else there will be provera or prometrium and clomid in my future).

After this ultrasound she'll call me with the results and I suppose at that point I'll see if she wants me to schedule another appointment with her for 6 months from now. So it's still all a waiting game and unless something drastically changes in the next few weeks or 6 months, we are on a "timed" intercourse schedule with me continuing to chart.

So...that's where we are.

2 More Days

The ever fated Dr's Appointment is only two days away. It's weird how I feel about this appointment. In one way or another I am glad to be going in another way, I am scared to death.

I can't say that things are going well. This cycle, like the last, is all messed up. The spotting has not stopped it gets better, than worse, then better again. I am afraid to have sex with Ray because I don't want to bleed and yet---obviously the whole having sex thing is important (yeah this is a ttc blog after all).

I've stepped away from the ovusoft forums for a little while. I just feel like I am not fitting in right now with them and I got some pretty harsh critism from some of the girls. Which I guess, I deserved but still. Being as upset and depressed as I am I suppose I felt I deserved some slack but here it is...

Apparently if you haven't been trying for at least 6 months or longer no one feels bad for you if you have serious medical issues (like I do right now) to them it's "nothing" not "long enough" and "insensitive" to other people to go on about how you just feel like giving up because nothing is going right. Apparently, I am supposed to put on a brave face and "get over it" because there are other people who have been seriously diagnosed as infertile an that's where all my sympathies should be. Sorry but I am a selfish cow. I feel bad for all of you but really...I am sick of being sick so pardon me if my sympathy is for myself and not for you!

I am not usually this nasty about stuff. I do feel bad for the hopelessly infertile- for those who have suffered multiple m/cs and chemical pregnancies. But I think in some ways I feel worse for those girls who have never even had a single + test, who don't ovulate, who have even less of a chance. I feel bad for women who have had body parts removed making the chance of getting pregnant even less remote.

So while I feel for these women I also know that it could be my fate too and so...if I say things like I've given up hope for my own BFP it only mimics the helplessness I feel in my heart. And people can go on and claim sensitivity to those who have had mulitple m/cs and issues but then I ask where is the sensitivity to my situation?

Bleh

Yup...

Just bleh.

I'm trying, really I am.

Yup, still bleeding

I think I am 1DPO today even though it means I would have ovulated on CD10 but with the weirdness of my cycle maybe it isn't really CD10 anyway...only time will tell what it really really is.

Our timing for sex wasn't great, if the ovulation date is yeterday it would have been 2 days before...but truthfully that's okay. I am only half into this month since the spotting will NOT STOP. It goes between a light period (1 or 2 half full tampons) to spotting, no need for anything at all but still a little pinkish. So explain that one. What is what?

Anyway, I'll be shocked if anything comes of it this cycle.

12 more days until I see the ob/gyn. Let's hope the news isn't too bad.

Keep on Keeping on, I guess

I am tired today. The usual- my life sucks and this isn't going well depression tired that I get when I can't control every single aspect of my life.

I am reminded of a quote from the Matrix when I get like this "Fate, it seems, was not without a sense of irony." For years and years I spent being afraid to get pregnant. I mean literally scared to death. If it was 8 years ago and I ended up pregnant it would have been a tough and heart wrenching choice for me. Now, it's all I think about and not about not wanting but wanting so bad I can't stand to be in the same room as myself when I get like this.

It is ironic isn't- that you can go years and years being afraid of something without ever knowing that you couldn't have gotten pregnant even if you wanted to. Now, I am sitting here looking at my chart (which is stuck and doing absolutely nothing) wondering why I spent so much time worrying about something that obviously my body is incapable of doing.

Clearly I am sad today because of what my body is and is not doing.

I started spotting again three days ago. A light spot, brown mostly but it's there. The CF has been sticky/creamy and my temps are low again...and if I hadn't already been tested for a crappy thyroid I might be inclinded to believe that was the problem...but what my charts are showing, and from what I know is the following:

First, and most notably, I am not ovulating. Second, my progesterone levels are low when I do ovulate (which isn't often) and finally, I bleed mid-cycle which is a very bad sign (cysts seem likely, even fibriods). I feel like I am falling apart.

The spotting only started last month when we finally decided to get on the TTC track. Of course, once again there is that irony. The waiting to see the doctor is getting almost as bad as any two week wait I am sure. Why can't things just be right with me??

My mom says I worry too much, that just because my cycles are a little irregular (ok Mom, bleeding mid-cycle is not "irregular" it's down right out of control) that everything is probably fine. But she doesn't know that I know that I am not ovulating and that my progesterone levels are low...she doesn't know because I can't explain charting to her (she would totally laugh at me if I did). And even though I try and talk with Ray I know he doesn't totally get how HOPELESS I feel right now.

The more I think about his stupid sister being pregnant or freakin' half his cousins getting knocked up accidently the more I just wanna isolate myself from the world. I can't stand it. It would be bad enough if I were just having mild baby-fever but this is full on baby-fever with no cure...not even a hint of a cure.

More than anything I am scared to see the doctor and hear what she has to tell me. I am afraid that she'll examine me and find problems which would set us back a long time to TTC and I feel I've already waited and wasted enough time. I am ANGRY at my husband because if we had started TTC 6 months ago, when I go to this appointment I'd have something to prove to her...she'd take me more seriously...now I know I am going to hear the old "give it another 4 or 5 months and then come back to me" But I KNOW this is not going to change and I feel so annoyed.

I am trying to keep moving forward, I am trying not to let myself get into this funk about TTC. I am trying to remember that sex isn't just for making babies but to reconnect with Ray in a more intimate way and yet I feel like having sex is a reminder of what cannot happen. He sees it in me when we are together...and I can't tell him without hurting his feelings.

I wish I could just let it go and be okay with whatever happens but my incessant need to control this has left me abandoned...