Monday, June 9, 2008


I've heard it said that sometimes fear can be good for a person.

I don't think I am one of those people. I hate being afraid.

My biggest fear right now, and probably will be until we have this u/s on Wednesday and then another one to see the HB, is that there is no baby. It's the thought that keeps me from sleeping, is the fear that keeps me from thinking about anything else.

I cried last night for probably 45 minutes. Ray was a champ though and told me no matter what we'd be okay. I know he'll be okay. I just don't know if I will be.

Through the last year of trying and treatment it feels like it's taken us so long to get to this point that God could not possibly be cruel enough to take it all away. I don't believe that God is cruel in anyway anyhow though. I know He has a plan for all of us, even if we don't quite understand it. I know a lot of people don't believe that life is faited a certian way but if I don't believe that and things are bad (and we hope they are not) then that means I have to accept that maybe things don't happen for a reason. Sometimes things just happen.

All I want to do is be in bed right now. I want to rest my head on my pillow and forget about my fear. But it's with me even in sleep. I can't just ignore what I am feeling. It's so hard to enjoy this pregnancy when I am so worried all the time.

I talked with my mom this morning. She said the more I worry the more likely I will make myself sick. She told me to calm down because everything is probably fine and if it isn't that's okay too because now at least we know I can get pregnant. She said if there is an issue that she believes Ray and I will be okay and we'll work towards the next time. I told her that it's hard to think about saying good-bye. Then she said "you won't have to because everything is ok and it will be ok."

But the truth is I won't know if it's all okay until Wednesday at 10am. Until then I'll just keep hoping and praying. Any good thoughts you all can spare would be greatly appreciated.


Melissa said...

I know I said this to you yesterday- just relax! If something is wrong it is not due to you or Ray or your lack of trying. I'm thinking about you!

*lots of hugs*

LCP said...

Your mom is right...and so is Melissa. I have an idea of the fear you are going through because I think most women feel that same thing about their baby until they have their first u/s and hear the heartbeat...but I also know that you have added fear to multiply that "normal" worry. I pray that God will provide you with some peace and comfort until Wednesday...and then also from that point on.

Desirée said...

I understand were your fear is coming from having read a lot of infertility blogs but you can't think because it happened to us it will happen to you. There are a whole lot of healthy pregnancies and people who never experience a miscarriage. You have to be optimistic for the sake of your baby b/c you are just putting yourself through stress that you shouldn't be.
I know its so hard to put it out of your mind, me of all people, but you need to. You only have until Wed, that's nothing! You can do it, just be good to yourself. Eat what you want and get lots of rest = )

Cathy said...

I can't say for sure what will happen, obviously. But whatever it is, YOU will be ok. Ray will be ok. You and Ray will be ok.

C-Rah said...

Sending good thoughts and vibes your way. Try to relax as much as you can - worrying up until then won't change anything. And I'm sure everything will work out okay.


Ann M. said...

I think what you're going through is called anticipatory grief. Basically, you're take the worst possible outcome to your situation and focusing on it. It's just a way to prepare yourself in case you receive bad news tomorrow. Know that you have every right to go through this. However, you also need to allow yourself to explore the much more likely outcome: that everything is fine. And I swear, it really is much more likely that everything is OK.

I know it is really, really hard to do this, but you need to accept the fact that this is all out of your hands. You've done everything right. Just keep taking deep breaths, and know that you can call me anytime if you want to talk.