Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Something To Say

I have a lot on my mind today but first, Megan I wanted to address your question about us finding out the sex. Yes, we are going to but I don't think we are going to tell anyone. What fun is that you ask? We want to know so that we can be prepared and, of course, only have to think of two girl names or two boy names rather than two girl names and two boy names. The other reason we aren't telling anyone is because people have the tendency to buy pink or blue when they know they sex and honestly I would rather they not do that. I prefer neutrals really- yellows, greens, light orange colors etc. Pink and Blue are so gender specific and that's not really my style I guess. :)

Second, I wanted to say a HUGE bloggy thanks to Ann for the blanket. Thanks so much Ann it was really thoughtful of you. It is our first real baby gift and it's so soft and cute Ray and I love it. I can't wait to put it into the baby's crib.

And Last, what's been on my mind...

I don't even know if I know how to start this as I don't want to offend my bloggy buddies who have been nothing but supportive of me over the last few years but I need to get something off my chest.

When Ray and I first started this journey off to babyland I was optimistic about our chances for conception. I knew I had health issues (asthma, overweight) but never did I think those health issues were affecting my fertility in an adverse way. It wasn't until I was told "lose weight" and "you have PCOS" that reality started to set in. In all the time I was dealing with hearing the diagnosis and trying to come to terms with things, Ray's cousins were getting knocked up left and right and yeah I was bitter...

Ok, let's be honest, I was extremely bitter, hateful, resentful and plain out MEAN. I attended no family functions, baby showers, birthday parties, Christenings or anything. I ranted and raved about how unfair it all was- why were we being punished. I even went so far as to say that some of them didn't deserve it or that Ray and I would make better parents because we really wanted it...

In retrospect my attitude was absolutely THE WORST and I was becoming a horrible, mean person because of it. One day I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that if I continued to put out negativity into the world that's exactly what I was going to get back. I don't think me being negative had anything to do with us not conceiving but it certainly didn't help matters much. At some point I resolved to be okay with other women and their fertility, realizing (as hard as it was) that their fertility, their parenting style, their ability to even be a good parent, was not stopping us from having a baby. I had to realize that God (or whomever) just didn't work that way.

Why am I bringing this up now...now that I am pregnant and it's completely irrelevant? It's a strange thing. I belong to a forum (I've mentioned it here before) of women who are TTC/TTA/going through IF or going through losses. Someone put together a post about Michele Duggar (the woman who has 18 children) and how "unfair" it is that she gets to pop out kid after kid while some women can even have one. It was a bitter and nasty post filled with self-congratulations about what a fantastic mother this person would be and how horrible it is that Mrs. Duggar makes her older children raise the younger ones and blah blah blah...

The post angered me. I don't know why but it did. The post was made on the Infertility and Loss section of the forum. A place I rarely, if ever, visit (for many reasons not the least of which is that I like to stay positive and reading about other people's loss makes me very sad and it makes me worry). The post was so negative I felt like someone needed to in there and say "hey listen what does it matter if she has 50 more kids, your hatred for her doesn't make you a better more loving person it makes you bitter and mean." Nothing that I wrote in that post was directed at anyone specifically. It really was just a "hey look at who you are becoming is that the kind of person you want to be?" I got a PM from someone who read my post and asked me to "reconsider" what I wrote. I opted not to.

Maybe that makes me a terrible person or whatever but I really believe that if we are going to grow from tragic experiences (and IF and loss is TRAGIC and don't let anyone tell you differently) then blaming other women's good fortune is not the way to grow. Can I be a little annoyed at the Duggars for making the older kids raise the younger ones- maybe. It isn't something I'd do but heck if I am going to let ANYONE in the universe question how I parent my kid. She's in the public eye so somehow that makes it okay...it doesn't but this is what people believe.

I need to say this people because I've been there...just because we suffered through infertility or loss (or both) does not mean we are going to automatically be better parents, better people or love our children more than those who did not struggle or did not experience loss. These people who have no trouble with conception may not have had to fight as hard but it does not mean they are any less loving, wonderful, compassionate and truly grateful people to have their children in their lives. And if I have to be totally honest with all of you- I would have gladly given up the years of infertility I experienced to already have my baby in my arms (I know most of you would agree). Just because we share this terrible journey of infertility does not give us the right to be judgmental and self-righteous. It does not make us better people if the people we have become are self-absorbed, bitter and angry towards other women!

I am sure I probably offended a bunch of people here. I am sorry for that but it seems to me that there is a sense of entitlement among infertile women, a sense of "I'm better than you are because look what I had to go through" and it saddens me that we are bringing down our sisters by using divisive and judgmental language.

I guess that's all I wanted to say...

5 comments:

Ann M. said...

You are so welcome for the blanket! I was happy getting it for you :)

I think it's hard not to be resentful and bitter--to an extent--when someone is going through difficulties and other people seem to have no problems at all. When I was struggling to keep a pregnancy I didn't really want to hear about somebody who had so many kids she couldn't even really be a mother to them all, but you know what? I made sure I didn't hear about it. If I was going to be a bitter, jealous person, I made sure to keep it to myself. There's no point to putting all that hostility and negativity out there. True, it's sad and not fair but you can say that about ANYTHING in life. It's the sense of righteous entitlement that I always had a problem with when it comes to some of these women, and I think that's kind of what you're talking about here. Maybe some people who are suffering from infertility would, and will, be great parents. Maybe they won't be any better than somebody who got pregnant by total accident...or who got it on the first try with no trouble.

So...long comment short--I don't think you were out of line in saying that instead of being mean about somebody else's situation, they should attempt to look positive in their own....

Trish J said...

I sent you an e-mail about this because I didn't want to take up too much space here. I had a lot to say, but the gist is that I agree with everything you said and I think you're a brave girl for saying it.

I don't understand how people can belittle someone's happiness any more than I can understand how they could revel in someone's misfortune.

The Swann's said...

Without writing a complete novel here, let me say I read your post like as soon as you posted it and have had to take time to process it... Or should I say, recover from the real slap in the face that you gave me and that I needed!!! :-) While I do agree with everything you've said, I also know that it is something I sometimes (not everyday and not with everyone, if that makes sense?) struggle with and need to keep under wraps!

I have learned a LOT about myself in dealing with IF. A LOT about my husband. A lot about our friends and family and my respect (or lack there of) with them! While it would be nice to have my baby in my arms NOW, I also believe that God does have a plan for us and that this is the ride we were meant to get on... Where it will end or when it will end, we don't know! We're just trusting that the safety belt is secured tightly! :-)

Again, I'm not going to write a novel but certainly do not think you are out of line in posting that!

*Tina* said...

I agree with what Trish said, whole heartedly. You are right, and brave for saying it. Infertility definitely doesnt make you a better person, parent, and it certainly isn't non-infertile people's fault. I think we should just all support each other, either way. And since I don't know which way it will go for me yet, I can say that I honestly feel for both groups, and totally agree with your entire post. Very well written indeed.

The Swann's said...

Oh, I have really been thinking about this poast and want to add something further... :-) While I think you did a great job in putting in line those suffering from infertility, I also believe that those who are "fertile mertile's" need to be more respectful of those infertilies they may or may not know about around them. It is so upsetting to hear someone complaining how it took them two whole cycles to get pregnant! Whippee! (Sarcasm there.) While it is excellent news and something to be excited about, one must also share the responsibility in "guarding" their emotions around others... Does that make sense or should I have stopped at my single previous post... haha!