Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Whew

According to my "new" pregnancy ticker I am 16w1d today. It's so odd.

We scheduled our BIG u/s for Tuesday September 2. I can't believe it's only two weeks away. I am nervous as hell. I just want Baby to be okay- have all his/her fingers, toes, kidneys etc. I don't want there to be a single problem. Of course I don't-what mother wants that?

I had a complete breakdown yesterday. I've been having them a lot it seems. This past weekend I cried for at least 30 minutes about absolutely nothing (cleaning the bathroom, something I've done in the past-not a difficult job, nothing to be stressed about so explain it to me?) But yesterday I was just feeling down and I didn't know why, it was just a whole mess of stuff.

Ray and I were nicely watching the olympics. He had put away all the food from dinner and we were just hanging out like we usually do after dinner. I was thinking about February and how overwhelming all this stuff is. I started to just feel terrible- my body is changing, I haven't really felt the baby move (and I am over 16 weeks and that scares me a little), we have our big u/s in two weeks, I get my AFP results in three weeks- I am nervous, scared and I feel- well lonely to be honest.

I have no one to talk to who doesn't think all these little fears are "so silly" (as my mom says). What is our life going to be like in February? Will I ever be able to do any of the things I used to do? Will I even be good at this? Am I willing to be less selfish? Am I willing to compromise and give things up?

I feel like I've spent so much of my life coasting on "just enough"- just enough to get by and not get fired from my job, just enough to be a decent wife (but not a great one) to Ray, just enough to be a good sister or daughter to my siblings and parents. I don't want to be "just enough" for this baby. But I don't know how to be great at anything.

And I realized then (as I do right now) that any experience I've had with children has been terrible. I never ask to play with or hold Ray's cousin's children, I hated babysitting as a teen- WHAT WAS I THINKING? We wanted this, we worked for this and now- after 16 weeks of doctor's appointments and morning sickness and general stress I am now RETHINKING this whole thing? I can't go back, I don't really want to go back but---gosh this is so tough and I didn't think I would feel so inadequate or ill-equiped to do this.

None of my real life friends (except Ann and LJ) have been pregnant- none of them. My sister hasn't, my SILs (except the one we don't talk to) haven't. I am alone and I have no one to talk to. I just want someone to tell me that I'll do just fine. That I won't fuck this kid up for life. That even though I worry that the worry is okay and that Ray will be there to help me and I won't be doing this alone.

I could use a reassuring hug every now and again. I could use a real girlfriend to spend time with me so that I don't take all these negative thoughts with me into the world.

I used to have a best friend you know...now, even though Ray and I share everything I just don't think he really understands how overwhelmed and scared I am.

4 comments:

Ann M. said...

Holy crap--I had the same nervous breakdown last night. I was lying in bed crying and telling Greg that I'm going to do something wrong and be a horrible mother or hurt the baby by doing something idiotic that, you know, a GOOD mother would instinctively know not to do. Oh, and for goodness sake, you know I'm going to drop her/fall down the stairs while holding her.

It also doesn't help that right now, she's doing fine and my health is going downhill, and I feel bad because I just want her to come out already so I can start taking care of myself again. What kind of mother says that? Greg basically thought I was insane and keeps telling me that it's because I'm anxious.

Anyway...so you're not alone. You need anything, call me. I probably would have called you last night, but this was at 1 in the morning.

Trish J said...

I sent you an e-mail basically saying the same thing. I had the same type of panic attack. You'll be great - worrying comes with the territory. I'll e-mail you again soon.

Maria D. said...

Yep. I have had one of those too! We all have them.

Also, if this is your first baby it's pretty normal not to feel that kicking early on. I didn't realize Elena's movement till I was closer to 20 weeks. Even then I hardly felt it at all.

LCP said...

I know it might not be much comfort to hear a bunch of women telling you "this is all normal stuff with pregnancy, especially your first." It is, with the hormones, with the change that this child is having and will continue to have on you and your life. Nothing will ever be the same, but that is how God created it. If he wanted us to just have children to have them, He would have made the pregnancy period only a few weeks and then force the baby out on their own (like turtles do) with no one to guide them or tell them what to do or nurture them. God didn't want that, and he created us all so individual because we all have different characteristics to bring that child up so individually.

Gosh, all I can tell you is that is ALL so normal, but you HAVE to go through it. It is part of the preparation for the unknown (if that makes sense). I am scared to death right now of what I am going to do with two?? I just got by and mananged with one, and she was an angel...what if I have a colicky cranky difficult one next. What am I going to do? God will take care of that, He wouldn't have giving you the opportunity if He didn't think is was perfect timing!!

Keep talking about it, keep writing about it, keep praying about it. You will have days where things are great and you feel prepared, and other days where you have no clue. I hope you can find some peace in those other days!!