Moving on

I decided to take Ann's advice and not beat myself up (thanks Ann, for always being a good friend to me). I think part of my problem is just being hopeful. I am not an optimist by nature. I like to say I am pragmatic but Ray says no, I am a true pessimist. I think pessimist is extreme but, it might be more accurate. If there is something between pragmatism and pessimism that would be my life philosophy. We'll call it chrissyism.

After my emotional breakdown on Wednesday (my cycle actually fully started on Thursday for those of you keeping track of my chart) Ray and I had a nice long chat. I figure I can keep going if I know at some point we'll get help and it won't be in 6 or 7 months, that it will be sooner rather than later. He told me he wants to stick it out "see what happens" not "rush" to force my body with meds etc. I honestly think he wants to avoid doing another SA, which is eye-rolling to say the least. I know his last experience with the SAs were terrible but I told him that we'd be with the RE from the start and so the conditions in which he'd have to do his business wouldn't be like they were the first time around. I also told him that there would be a chance he wouldn't have to do it again.

After much discussion he asked me why I was so desperate to go back. I told him that I really think that this cycle was a fluke and that future cycles waiting for ovulation are a waste of time. He thinks that because I've lost more weight and that the cinnamon tea is helping he doesn't want to just give up. All that stuff is helping, of course, but how consistently remains to be seen. I still have PCOS that's the shit that won't change, so I can drink 10 cups of tea a day, and lose 25 more lbs and it might not make any more difference now than it did. This cycle isn't indicative of anything, IMHO.

He said he still wanted to see how this cycle went and then I could call. I asked him if that meant I had to wait until i started bleeding again because that could be 40 or 50 days from now, if I don't ovulate. I told him I wasn't willing to wait that long and that if he didn't want to be a willing partner with me that we could just stop the whole thing right now. He said he wasn't trying to force an all or nothing just that he didn't want to run back there if my body was in fact working. I said I am not waiting for the next cycle to start because I don't know if that will be in 30 days or 60 days- producing nothing but agony as I go through the cycle. Then he asked me at what point would I know the cycle was a 'bust' so i told him honestly within 20 days. He basically agreed to compromise after that and said that if nothing is happening within 20 days I could call and set up our appointment.

So as it stands now, I am charting this cycle for the next 20 days to see what, if anything, happens. Let's just say I am not holding my breath for a repeat. But in case it does happen I'll consider it a good thing (obviously). To be clear I still wouldn't think that me O'ing two cycles in a row would be indicative of anything and it certainly wouldn't prove him right (because it just wouldn't). If nothing happens (as I suspect nothing will), I'll make the call the morning of the 20th day and set up the appointment. In the meanwhile, I am back to once a week update here on the blog.

Thanks for all the Thoughts and Prayers and support and comfort- it means a lot.

How Do You Convince Yourself It Will Be Okay?

CD1 has arrived and let’s just say the bloom is off this rose for sure. I wanted so much for this to be the cycle so I could avoid the inevitable crap that comes with PCOS. I wanted to convince myself that I would be happy even without being pregnant because my body finally cooperated but at the same time I knew I’d be crying.

Now I have to steel myself for the next go round, the hoping and the praying that maybe we’ll have normal cycles. Hoping and praying that even if I do ovulate again without meds that the spotting this time was a fluke (not likely based on my previous test which required me to take a progesterone suppository in order to stay pregnant with Clara). It’s like a big list of unknowns and I fucking hate it!

Why am I doing this to myself again? Why am I letting myself get all worked up about TTC. I feel like this shit just never seems to go our way. Yeah, I know it’s the first cycle so how could I expect anything better but at the same time there are billions of women who get pregnant without a problem right out of the gate. WHY CAN’T I BE ONE OF THEM?

It’s hard not to be angry or upset about this kind of thing. Seriously, the only thing I want to do is be freakin’ NORMAL. Why is that too much to ask? Why do I have to make myself sick with worry that on top of everything else I might have a problem with progesterone?

Do you know that ALL of the women who had babies with me at work (i.e the ones who shared the pumping room with me) all have second kids now? ALL OF THEM. Did you know that all the babies that were first borns in Clara’s Infant I class at daycare all have siblings for their children now- ALL OF THEM. I feel like my life is a big joke and everyone is laughing but me.

Yeah, I am feeling sorry for myself- Big Time sorry for myself. Our friends who have a 1 year old told me a month ago they are about to start trying again and I just know she’ll be pregnant next month and I’ll still be waiting to see what my body decides to do. This shit SUCKS SO HARD. I just keep setting myself up for disappointment after disappointment.

It’s so hard to just convince myself that this cycle was a step in a positive direction because in the back of my mind I know there is something else wrong, even without the PCOS. Do I make the call now? Do I wait? Do I give up? I want to give up, sad as that seems, pathetic as that is, I just want to run away give up the whole thing and BE OKAY with it. But I won’t be, I know I won’t be. And yet it’s just too much for me right now.

Imma Hafta Disappoint

No, I didn't test, and no AF hasn't arrived but- let's just say I am not optimistic about the cycle. I am posting today to let you folks know that I probably won't test (if I even need to test) until Friday. I just didn't want anyone showing up here tomorrow expecting a post with a result. Chances are my result will be "AF is here" and we'll be On To Another Cycle. I will say this, if AF shows tomorrow (could be today as my temps were down pretty significantly this morning, though still above the "cover line") I will probably post.

I have mixed feelings about this cycle. On the one hand I am super thrilled that I ovulated on my own and that my temps stayed pretty constant and high for a full (hopefully if I don't get my period today) 13 days. I am concerned about the spotting though since it could indicate a different problem but, I am hoping that was just because of the BC. But of course I am disappointed that AF is around the corner and that this wasn't the cycle. Honestly though it would have been a miracle for us to get pregnant this cycle. And even though I told myself I wouldn't get my hopes up for having another January baby (seriously the due date would have been the same week as Clara's) I, of course, did because that's just how I am.

I'll leave the rest of my thoughts for either tomorrow or Friday.

HA!

I added a link to my Fertility Friend Chart to the side bar of this blog, just because. Normally, there wouldn’t be much to show in a chart like mine, since with the PCOS it would be all wonky temps and non-matching CM and other fertility signs. But, for some reason after I wrote last Wednesday’s post my body got the message that “hey we could work if we want” and so, you will see that it did. That makes today 7DPO. A minor miracle if I do say so myself.

Ray asked me this morning what he thought our chances were this cycle. I told him timing was pretty good so I’d say 75%. That’s about what it would/should be in any normal cycle. I didn’t tell him that though- he thinks it is all him-LOL. Boys! ;)

I don’t want to get too excited, since there is a pretty decent chance that nothing happened here. I am happy though because at least my body did something right. Will the pattern continue? Will I be “normal” again? There are no early pregnancy signs to speak of because, well, at 7DPO how could there be really. I think if I am going to obsess over signs I’ll wait until at least 10 or 11DPO to make that call. When I was pregnant with Clara the only symptom/sign I had was severe cramping about three to four days before my cycle was due.

I know you are wondering if I’ll test early. I am really going to resist. Seeing a stark white negative test would probably kill me. I’d rather AF show up then deal with that, honestly. I know that just because I get a negative test at first doesn’t mean I won’t test positive later but why do that to myself? Why not just wait until the day my cycle is due if my temps are still up? It serves me no purpose to test early. What does that mean for those of you reading this blog? That means, if my LP is the exact correct length, if my temp is still up next Thursday you will be the first to see what the outcome is. Is the suspense killing you yet? :P

If I have to pinpoint why things went well in this cycle it’s because of weight loss combined with this decaf cinnamon tea that I drink. Without really know how it would affect me I started drinking this tea. The tea is very good and it was actually the only reason I drank it (it doesn’t need any sugar, it’s naturally sweet because the cinnamon is sweet). For the last few months I have been trying to cut down on sugar and sugar substitutes (since they give me migraines) and I almost always put sugar in my coffee (milk too) which is added calories and not good for IR PCOS folks (or my continued and still needed weight loss). Then I came across this tiny little study (this is linked to the SoulCysters forum but the text is from Science Direct not sure what journal it was published in) that linked the taking of cinnamon with better blood glucose levels. What’s even more interesting is that it doesn’t need to be a huge amount, in a dose as low as 1g daily will do it. Well I drink 4 cups of this cinnamon tea a day (again it is decaf) this is easily 3g of cinnamon and I have been doing this for the last 4 months, the time for efficacy is actually 8 weeks. Is that awesome? Now, can I say for sure that this was the tipping point for why I actually ovulated this month? No but I think the BCP, combined with additional weight loss and the added boost from the cinnamon surely didn’t hurt. Right?

And to leave you on a separate, but much related note, we went to Mass this Sunday and after Communion during my silent prayer time I said a prayer for my grandmother who is very sick right now. In addition I also prayed to St Gerard. Not for me necessarily, because well that’s not how it’s supposed to be. I actually was thinking more about Ray’s two cousins. His older cousin suffered two miscarriages and is currently pregnant with a sticky baby. We are so excited for her but I know how devastated she must have felt suffering through those miscarriages. His other cousin (it’s actually his cousin in law) was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in her 12th week of pregnancy with her third baby. According to her gyn oncologist the lump they removed is a slow acting tumor- they couldn’t determine where it came from or how it would metastasize. The good news is that she won’t have to have a hysterectomy but the doctors aren’t sure if she’ll be able to have more children naturally. Both of these women deserve the prayers and intercessions of St. Gerard, as well as the many women who suffer from miscarriage, cancer and other forms of infertility.

Stay tuned for next Thursday when we find out whether or not this cycle panned out.

A Day Early

I had to urge to write so I am writing today instead of tomorrow.

I am miserable. Not only has the acne come back and I feel like crap but nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, is happening with this cycle. Today is CD16-hope is completely gone.

I know what you are thinking; “Chris, it’s only the first cycle off the BCP your body may take some time to adjust.” But, c’mon folks, I’m no idiot. I know how this ends.

There isn’t even any kind of CM happening. It’s like (and pardon the TMI) a barren desert. I am having major cramping though which means my ovaries are on overload- a very bad sign indeed. Seriously, FML.

With the niggling doubt and hopelessness come the inevitable questions:

Do I just give up? Not even see the whole process through. Throw away the chance at having another one?

I know, in my heart, if I give up now (on Cycle 1 only 16 days into the cycle) I’ll never see another baby in my life that’s mine. Because (and this was the problem from the very start of even thinking about having a second) I cannot stand the heartbreak, the heartache, the endless vials of blood taken, the expensive medications and the decreasing amount of time I have with the daughter that already exists. How selfish am I to want to go through this entire process again?

And if I do decide to go through with this at what point do I say “I can’t do it on my own”- how long do I have to wait to make the phone call to the RE to say “HELP”- longer than 16 days into Cycle 1 would be my guess. All the while knowing that without some kind of intervention, my ovaries are a ticking time bomb. There is no knowing if they’ll ever do what they were meant to do.

What bothers me, what annoys me the most though, is that despite weight loss, despite watching my blood glucose and taking my vitamins there is absolutely nothing I can do to improve my situation without medication. My ovaries will NEVER work on their own how they are supposed to.

I am not sure why I allowed myself to get so delusional about it. I really thought that after losing 62lbs, getting my shit together and being on the BCP that I would have some semblance of a normal cycle. So I could finally say “see Docs you were wrong about the PCOS diagnosis- I was just unlucky” – but I have come to realize that no, I am not just “unlucky” my body hates me.

That being said, I’ll monitor this cycle until it ends and then make the decision to either go back to the BCPs or stick it out. Ray told me he supports me either way, he doesn’t want to see me sad or upset but I also know he really wants to have another baby. And to be honest, so do I.

More of the same here...nothing

CD10 here and I don’t think I’ve seen a temp lower than 97.1 in all the time I was temping when we were trying for Clara. But today it was 96.8. Gah, so the hopefulness I was feeling on CD3 is pretty much gone now. I don’t think I’ll be seeing O for a while, maybe not at all until I get some provera.

I know I shouldn’t be so negative, after all it’s only CD10 but with temps like 96.8 it doesn’t leave me too hopeful. Not to mention I know how this body of mine works (doesn’t work). I’ll be surprised if anything good happens. The best I can do right now is just keep on trucking along and see what happens from here.

The rest of everything is okay. I am experiencing the worst sinus headaches lately. I think it has something to do with all the flowers and trees making an appearance. And even though I love planting and spring, right now the whole blooming world can eat my shorts. I’d like to go one week without a headache. The other thing that’s making the sinus headaches worse is my glasses, I think, are too heavy for my face right now so they are putting pressure on my nose and that doesn’t help too much at all. I am getting new glasses this weekend but it will be at least a month before I see them.

As for Clara, well, sigh. This entire week she’s been hysterical in the mornings. Monday she woke up at 4:30am and refused to go back to sleep until we put on Curious George for her. On Tuesday she slept until 6:15am so all I had time to do was get her dressed (which she was upset about) and do her hair (again another fight). Once she was dressed and hair done she wanted to eat her yogurt but there was no time. I offered her other stuff like a cereal bar, cheese stick, ham, raisin bread etc to no avail. So she fought us until we were in the car and I could distract her with something else.

But yesterday took the cake. After the whole Curious George fiasco on Monday I told Ray that she wasn’t allowed to watch it any more because if she was waking up at 4:30am screaming for it she clearly had a problem with regulating it. We had to take away her pacifier (it was time anyway), potato chips (which she hardly ever got) and lollipops (another treat which was rare) for the same reason. She would finish the few chips I would give her and want more and then scream for 30 minutes after I said no, ditto for the lollipops. So now she doesn’t get those things and she doesn’t get George either because, one episode in the mornings is not enough and she goes completely ballistic if she doesn’t get her way. And maybe other parents think I am just being a big mean Mommy but if you had to listen to a hysterical high-pitched screaming 2 year old in your car for 20minutes at 7am, I think you’d do the same.

Anyway, she was “good” all morning according to Ray and he asked me if she could watch one episode. I caved (like a freaking idiot) and so he put on her episode. Naturally, when it was over and we had to go she went bonkers. She cried for 10 minutes in the house followed by the 20 minute drive to daycare- again throwing off her shoes and socks while in the car (and seriously, I know this is terrible, but had it not been raining I might have made her walk from the car to the school without them that’s how pissed off I was). The when we were in school she continued to cry and cry saying “my George, my George” without stopping, and then after a while she started to say “uppie, uppie” for me to pick her up. I told her I would be happy to do that if she calmed down and stopped crying-which she sort of did. I picked her up gave her a kiss and a hug and told her I had to leave to which, naturally, she started crying again. The teacher told me she would be fine once I left, so did.

Then this morning at 5:45am I could hear her screaming while in my room, which without the monitor, is difficult (i.e. she was loud). I normally wake up around 6:15 so I just sat there trying to get myself together (hoping my headache would go away, yeah right). I could hear her screaming “George, George. I want my George” and, God Bless Ray, he didn’t give in, even though I know he wanted to. She probably was upset for the same amount of time (about 30/40 minutes) but once Ray sat down to get her dress and for me to do her hair (around 6:45am) she was fine and happy. We had no issues in the car and no problems going into school. I think much like the pacifier, she will forget all about wanting to watch Curious George in the mornings and go color or play with her leaptop (a Leapfrog Laptop), something we can bring with us in the car and into school.

That’s all that happened this week. I hope all the Mom’s out there have a wonderful and joyous Mother’s Day. And to those of you still trying for that first little one I wish you the best too.