Where's the Surprise?

Not here.

The beta hCG was negative as predicted. When the nurse told me I said "okay, good" and she said "you wanted it to be negative" and I said "well now I can start my medication and get my HSG and find out what the problem is, and I knew it was going to be" I supposed I should have said "that sucks but okay, good."

I mean I started spotting two days ago so that means AF is on her way without the provera but I am taking it anyway because I would like to do the CD3-5 bloodwork this saturday and if I wait for it to start on my own I'd be at the mercy of my own body-which is not unlike how it normally is.

Things are okay in the baby making arena, at least for now since we've resolved that until Ray gets his next SA back and I have the results from my HSG we are in limbo-land.

My main concentration is not on our respective health issues but on our dear cat Roary's. She isn't doing so well and I am really sad about it. We are taking her to the vet on Saturday, I just hope she's okay until then. In the meantime I am going to try and spend as much quality time with her as I can, in case things go bad. Which, we hope they won't because I'd be a wreck without her.

Anyway, so it's a waiting game. I'll post an update on Thursday to tell you how Ray felt about the SA.

The Bad Touch

Ha ha...the title is joke of course.

So Ray had his appointment with the Urologist on Thursday. I ended up coming home from work early because I simply was not feeling well. He went alone and when he didn't call or come home by 3:30 (his appointment was at 2:15) I text messaged him to make sure everything was okay. He sent me a text saying the doctor had gotten held up in surgery and he hadn't even been seen yet. So okay---I had to wait.

At 4:30 he called to tell me that he was on his way back to the apartment and would tell me everything when he got there.

When he came home he said the doctor checked him over and mentioned that the semen analysis didn't tell him everything he wanted to know. He told Ray that labcorp (where the analysis was done) isn't very good and that Ray should consider going over to Shady Grove Fertility Clinic to have another sample tested. He gave Ray a 'script for another analysis. Then he said that he felt on Ray's physical exam a small varicocele (for those that don't know what that is, it's an enlarged, twisted vein in the scrotum, most often on the left side). He told Ray that although his analysis did have some troubling spots most of them were just slightly below normal range and that another analysis should determine how accurate they are. Not to mention the andrology lab at Shady Grove is much better and gives much better, more detailed analysis.

Ray's appointment to go is on Thursday of this coming week. He'll go over in the morning before work (I'll be with him-hehe) and do his thing. We should have the results the following day but probably won't really know anything until Ray's next Dr's appointment which is the last Thursday of March. Soooo another month to wait...the time just ticks by.

As for me, I have my beta hCG on Monday (since, as predicted I am not bleeding and I have not ovulated) and then I get the joy of starting provera. On Friday I'll go in for my CD3 bloodwork and then schedule my HSG for the following Friday.

I talked with my boss about all of my upcoming doctor stuff. I just told her the bare basics. Having some tests done, having a procedure mid month will have some follow-up appointments after that then maybe more stuff will need to be done-not sure yet. I told her it wasn't life threating nothing to really worry about but I needed to be checked out and monitored by a doctor and hopefully I'll be okay. She seemed understanding which is cool.

That's really all, so as usual it's wait wait wait. I'll let you all know how the blood test fairs on Monday.

To Add Insult to Injury

As if being diagnosed with PCOS wasn't enough now we have MFI (that's male factor infertility) to deal with.

Ray's SA results were very not good. Low count, bad morphology, bad motility (although they were moving in the right direction so that's good). My Ob/Gyn said to get him to a urologist ASAP-so we did. His appointment is on Thursday (of this week). We are praying it was just a bad sample-he was rushed, wasn't feeling well-SOMETHING. Because seriously I can't handle this. And I know it's making him feel terrible. It was bad when we were just dealing with my problems-now we have to deal with his stuff too. Do you think God believes we'll make crappy parents and that's why?

I know he'll be honest with the Doctor but I am afraid he won't be as candid as he could be. This is a sensitive topic for him. I mean I guess I understand no guy wants to be told he can't knock up his wife. I mean that's a blow to a guy's ego like nothing else.

It just figures you know. My test results were good. The doctor told me that fasting blood sugar, free testosterone, LH/FSH levels have normalized but that I should continue on the Metformin and up it to 500 mg 3 times per day (from two times per day). She also said she was happy to hear that my last period was "normal" (i.e. I bled for 6 days not 21) and that I wasn't spotting any more and that even though my blood work is normal she'll still label my condition as PCOS (because she still believes I have that). She told me that I need to come in for a beta hCG on Monday if I don't get my period to rule out a pregnancy, that's if I don't start my period before that (I won't and I won't be pregnant either). When the test comes back BFN I am to start provera to induce my period, then make an appoint to have CD3-5 blood work done and call to schedule my HSG. I am also supposed to start OPKs starting on CD10. Then after she gets my HSG and blood work back I am to come in for the results.

In the meantime Ray will be meeting the urologist and hopefully doing a repeat SA to see if the results are really as bad as they were. If they are I am sure he'll be in for a lot more tests himself. If not then we can talk about the schedule for BD'ing.

So we have a plan and we talked again. We decided definitely no IVF unless it's a "we have no choice" type thing. I am opposed to it morally and financially even though MD will pay for it so I hope we have choices in dealing with this stuff.

It's been a difficult few days and we are trying to find ways to make everything okay. But it's hard.

All While I Sit and Wait

Others lives goes on

All while I sit and wait for mine to start

It's hard being here, waiting among the infertile myrtles of the world

Never thought I'd be among them, never

Spending my younger years praying that my period would show up

Ironic now it seems

I could cry about it

I would if I weren't so totally numb

And life is made and life goes on

All while I sit and wait

Just as I expected

My temps took a nose dive today. So, looks like me being hopeful was just that. Being hopeful. Anyway, that basically means I didn't ovulate. It's back to the BD drawing board again. I was getting too excited so my body had to remind me how cruel it is.

I am miserable again today. This morning's temp was just a small frustration on top of an already crappy morning which started with my weight being up. AHHH

I am not sure why I thought eating pizza three days in a row would some how not affect me. Either way I have a lot of ground to make up today, starting with WATER and more fruits and veggies.

I just wish something would go right. It seems just when I think all is going well I start to stall or get frustrated and want to give up. I feel that way right now. I am not sure how much disappointment I can really take.

I am spending a lot of time focusing on my mantras- I can do it, I deserve it, take it one week at a time, it's about determination- not motivation. They aren't ringing inside me like they usually do. I feel like I can't do it, I feel like I don't deserve it, one week is a week too long to continue and I have no determination-say nothing for the fact that I have no motivation.

Where do I go from here?

I want to be positive. I want to think that everything will work out for me (for us) but I am wondering why hope has to be so mean.

And So It Goes

I don't want to get too excited here because I've done this before but...my temp was up today. YIPPY! Two more high temps and perhaps I ovulated. Ok so it took me to CD20 to do it but...on the bright side we had some pretty awesome timing. So, I am (dare I say it) hopeful for this cycle.

But don't let me get too hopeful. I'll start dreaming and then be disappointed when AF shows up.

So for the next two weeks I am going to concentrate on some other stuff (like I started a new class for work) and try not to think about anything even remotely baby related. Yeah, okay let's see if I can do that.

All I can say right now is that I really hope my temps stay up and that I can confirm ovulation. That in and of itself would be a great victory (I'll have to remember that in two weeks when I am crying over my BFN).

Just as I suspected

Nothing...

Not even so much as tiny increase in temps. Bleh. No O for me. But I guess in a way it's still early in the cycle for me. I just hope I do. It would suck to go through all this crap of taking medication and no O to show for it.

This weekend was BD free due to Ray's SA today. Which he said was surprisingly boring. They had nothing for him to look at so, I assume he took some "materials" with him. His appointment was scheduled for 9:30 but he text messaged me around 9:20 and told me he was already done. So, they probably took him early. He told me I could call the doctor for the test results tomorrow. I think she will just tell me to wait until I see her on the 18th for my next appointment.

So because I haven't O'd yet that means we will continue to, uh, you know try until I do O. I keep waking up hoping that my temps have increased but so far no luck. I am not even sure what my CM is doing and OPKs, I have found because of the PCOS, are a waste of money. I get nothing from them. Most PCOS women see lines all the time, not me, I see nothing, maybe it's because my LH is always too high to measure in the threshold for those OPKs. *shrug*

On top of that I had some spotting yesterday morning and into the afternoon. By the time I went to bed it was completely gone and I've had nothing at all today. I wonder if it was O spotting. Geez I am grasping at straws here.

All I can do is wait and try not to overanalyse everything.