Do You Ever Just Wonder

Do you ever wonder if when people say "I'm sorry it's not working out for you" that they really mean "I'm glad it's not working out for you because I am having a hard time and if I'm not happy I don't want anyone to be happy?"

I am not saying anyone who reads this blog feels that way about me. But a girl in one of my buddy groups on an infertility forum I post on was saying that a girl friend of hers just found out she's pregnant after 3 years with IVF. She said she was happy for them but not for another friend who had only been trying for 1 month. She said she was upset with the couple who was only trying for one month because it was so easy for them.

Sometimes I catch myself feeling that way too. Like, it isn't fair when it happens so easily. Or when I hear about yet another 15 year old who got herself "accidentially" knocked up. All of Ray's cousins (or wives) got pregnant on the first try, or when they weren't trying and I find myself resenting them, avoiding baby showers and pictures.

I don't want to be like that. I want to be happy for a person just because they are choosing to bring a child into the world. I want to be thrilled that they did that and be happy for them. But all I ever think is "why not me?"

And then there is the other thing I think about and that's the people who are having trouble, or who have had trouble. I think maybe they aren't as supportive of other infertile couples as they seem to be. Like we are all supposed to be thrilled when one of "us" gets pregnant but what if someone has been experiencing IF for 2 years and other 1 year and the one who was experiencing IF less time gets pregnant first...there has to be a lot of anger with the person who's been trying for two years...you know?

Or those girls that already had a baby and are experiecing so-called "secondary infertility"- sometimes I get so upset and think "but they already have ONE, I don't even have that." Or the even rarer breed of women who get pregnant after infertility and then don't want anyone else to be pregnant, whether infertile or not because it was so hard for them.

I just want to be okay with the way things are going for us now. I don't want to be "upset" that someone had an easy go of it. It's nice that there are people in the world who don't have to worry about this kind of stuff. If a girl friend of mine gets pregnant, whether trying or not, whether experiencing issues or not I am going to resolve, right here and now, to be happy for them. I won't allow my pain to create uncomfortable relationship with people.

I know I am better than that.

On to something else. We got Ray's SA results back from the RE. Pre-wash was okay about 15m (should be closer to 20m), 34% motile (should be closer to 50%), 47% normal forms (WHO 4th says at least 14% so we are really good there), 5.2ml (anything about 2.5 is awesome). Post-wash the motility went up to 45% and the count went to 7m which is actually really good the lab tech said. So if we want to do IUI we can, don't have to go straight into IVF (thank goodness). But I think we decided on an au naturale cycle this month and next month. We'll discuss IUI come July.

I have my fingers crossed that my CD12 u/s will show at least two nice follies for me to ovulate. I don't want to have to max out on clomid and because I am ovulating again on my own I don't think we'll need to go past 100 (at least I hope not). I have hope this cycle.

Tomorrow is my CD3 bloodwork and I get to pick up my 'script for the clomid and start taking it on Friday!

I think we all know how this ends

I started spotting...

cramps and spotting- AF will be here tomorrow.

Needless to say Ray had to get me to stop crying. And while i knew this was the way it was going to end I am still so hurt.

I guess we have to just suck it up and move on to the stupid IF treatments, that I REALLY REALLY didn't want to have to do. Blood tests and medication and all kinds of stuff that takes the enjoyment and fun out of TTC.

Ray is so supportive, he's convinced that we'll get pregnant this month once I start taking the clomid and they can tell me exactly when I'll ovulate. But even with all that I just don't think I'll ever get pregnant. I just don't think my body wants to. maybe I don't want to. I don't know.

I am going to do my best to pull it together tonight so I can go to work and be okay tomorrow. We have so much stuff to do right now that I can't let this affect me the way it is.

Thanks for the support though and all the good luck and wishes. I'll be back once we get this cycle started on clomid and I have something to blog about.

So A Funny Thing

AF isn't here. Not even spotting. My temps went up this morning?? I think my chart is wrong.

I'm a skeptic I guess. I won't test! I can't bare to see the negative result even with decent temps. I'll wait until Monday unless AF shows by then (and she will).

I can make it through the weekend (I think) besides I only have one test at home and I don't want to waste it on this cycle when I feel we had no chance. Our timing was great if I ovulated 14 days ago, it was okay if I ovulated 12, not so great at 11 days or less.

Only time will tell I guess. Wait wait wait. That's the fun part. Still having cramps and craving sweets (not like me at all) but I am still sure she'll show tomorrow or sunday at the latest!

Well Okay then

Who's been waiting for an update??

So, I wish I could say that interesting things are happening. Truth is, nothing is happening. I am 12DPO today. Tomorrow should be the last day of my typical LP (that's Luteal Phase, Mel) and I should have dear old AF on Friday.

I am 99.99% sure that AF will show on Friday because I've been experiencing acne, chocolate cravings and terrible headaches. All 100% sure signs of impending AF. I am okay with it. I just want to move onto our medicated IUI cycles already. I want to stop playing this "did we time it right" game and I want to be sure that a doctor is monitoring what we are doing. As odd as that seems. At least I know I'll actually have a chance if a doctor is doing SOMETHING for us.

In the meantime we wait for my period to come. Ray's next SA is Monday the 28th and there is a good chance I'll have my CD3 blood work on the same day- so that worked out. I'll pick up my clomid prescription on the same day as the bloodwork and then wait for CD5 to start taking it. CD10 through mature follies (whatever day that happens to be) we'll be in for AM ultrasounds and then probably an hCG trigger followed by IUI (if we choose it). Should be Fun?

That's all from here. I'll post again on Friday to let you know how bad AF is being to me. Hopefully she'll be nice :).

Miracles Can Happen

No I'm not pregnant...wish I was though

Rather the miracle is that I did actually ovulate this cycle according to my progesterone test. I wonder if we caught the eggie. Ray and I slacked off majorly in the sex department because I was sure this cycle was annovulatory. We did have sex though so maybe it's close enough. I am not banking on it.

The appointment with the RE went very well. If I hadn't ovulated I would be starting on provera today and in 7 days I'd have my period but because I did ovulate I have to wait it out-probably about 8 or 9 days from now- a couple of days doesn't make a difference in my book. Then I get to have the CD3 blood work done (again) and then clomid from CD5-9 which will be monitored (which I am so excited about). Then I think we are doing an hCG trigger plus IUI unless we opt not to. I think the first few cycles we'll try and do it au naturale and see how it goes. If I am ovulating on time I think that's most of this battle. If after a few cycles we see nothing we'll move to the IUI.

All in all good news. Ray has to have another SA done just to rule out baterial issues and we'll get him started on some vitamins and see if that makes a difference.

That's all from here. I'll be around posting again soon.

An Update, I guess

for the three of you that might still be reading.

The RE rescheduled my appointment for this Wednesday so I am just waiting on that to happen. I am nevous and excited. Maybe we'll get pregnant soon without so much stuff... I can hope right.

In the meantime I have no idea what is up with this cycle. I am tempted to stop temping because it's so freakin' confusing. I got a + OPK almost two weeks ago and I took another one the other day (it was 9 or 10DPO if I go by the first positive) because my temps are strange and I didn't think I had really ovulated when I got the first positive and this was positive too. What does that mean?? Probably that my body hates me.

Anyway, I am supposed to take an pregnancy test on Wednesday just because I want to let the RE know where I am in my cycle (where am I????) I am not expecting a result other than BFN but that's okay perhaps now we can figure out what's going on with me. If I haven't said it before PCOS sucks!

So, once again it's hurry up and wait for things to happen. I need to call up the insurance folks and find out exactly what our IF benefits are. Either that or I need Ray to look them up for me.

Two days left until I found out what the story is.

The Good News, The Bad News

The good news is that Ray's last SA was good. The count is still a little below average but nothing to worry about, at least according to the Uro. Since everything seems to be okay he no longer has to see the Uro (which made Ray happy). Unfortunately I think he will have to do one more SA when we get to the RE on Tuesday. He'll have to abstain again but I want to talk to the RE's office before I make Ray do that.

The Bad News is that I still haven't ovualted yet this cycle. Today is CD 24 the OPKs are definitely negative and my CF is still creamy, though I did have some light pink spotting with some EWCF last night (and cramps). So unless I ovulate in the next two days I am in for some provera. Yippy :(. That's the second cycle in a row that was ended by provera. I thought all this weight loss was supposed to help me!

Speaking of weight loss-it seems more like weight stall. I have to weigh in tonight even though I'll probably post a gain (it could even be close to 4 lbs which totally bites btw). But I already started back tracking and eating better so I am sure I'll lose all that weight plus some. At least I hope I will. I am hoping that April isn't too rainy so I can get on my bike again.

On a side note I saw my MIL this weekend and she was filling me in on the baby shower for one of Ray's cousin's-in-law (his cousin [Luke]'s wife, her name is Jen). We opted not to go for a few reasons. First my sister was in town and I wasn't going to a shower while my sister was in town. Second, I can't handle baby showers right now. I don't do showers to begin with (I was forced into my own bridal shower and I know if I ever get pregnant I'll be forced into a baby shower too) but a baby shower for someone else is just too much, especially for a girl who insisted she didn't want baby "right now" but covertly was taking OPKs and timing intercourse. Bah, I dislike dishonesty.

That reminds me of the conversation I had with Ray's other cousin-in-law (Julia, the wife of Mark, Luke's younger brother) about this. I mentioned that I wasn't going to the shower and she asked why and I told her. I said I know I didn't have a right to be upset about Luke and Jen but that it bothered me that Jen was so adament about not wanting to have a baby the last time I saw her (last July). And Julia said she understood but that even at that time Jen and Luke were trying. So I asked Julia why she thought Jen would be dishonest about it. She said she thought maybe Jen didn't want to answer so many questions. I said I understood but I think my responses would have been different, more along the lines of "hey if it happens it happens" not "oh no, I don't want any kids right now, we aren't trying" etc- Julia said that she thought that would have been the more honest approach. Not that it matters, what's done is done and I guess, I am happy for them.

Anyway, the shower was apparently very nice but there were a lot of people there. My MIL said something like 65 people or something. I still haven't gotten them a gift because I cannot will myself into Baby's R Us. I think my best bet is to go into Baby Gap and buy something. Not that they found out what they are having (nor will they) but I think I can find something cute that would work for a boy or a girl. Then I have to send it to them (or hopefully we'll see Mark and Julia again and they can give it to them for us).

Other than that life is the same. Just waiting on our RE appointment on April 9.