Oh yeah, really?

You know, I wanted to start out this post by telling everyone good news (and I’ll get to that) but I read something today that turned my stomach and immediately made me go WTF.

A post by a blogger that I read regularly (who I also know reads my blog) posted today the list of ingredients in breast milk followed by the ingredients listed in formula. I suppose to make a point (maybe you want to clarify it here) that breast milk is far superior to formula. And that by extension women who choose formula for their babies for one reason or another (or heck for no reason other than they don’t want to breast feed) are some how doing their children a disservice.

Well, if there is one thing I can’t stand it’s a sanctimommy*. That is a mother who feels that their way is the best way and that everyone else is so clearly doing it wrong. Newsflash: no they aren’t. Formula is actually a good source of food for a baby, otherwise they wouldn’t sell it and people wouldn’t buy it. Not to mention some people cannot physically or emotionally handle breast feeding or they cannot or choose not to pump. Not everyone can be a SAHM with time to breast feed. Some of us work outside the home and pumping takes time from work and to be honest, it isn’t a whole heck of a lot of fun. I don’t think that every mother is capable of breast feeding and I don’t think that women should be made to feel guilty if they choose formula for whatever reason they do. I am SICK to death of the breast is best rhetoric. To be honest with you I hated HATED breastfeeding once I returned to work. Spending 1.5 to 2 hours a day with a suction cup to my breast doesn’t make a person feel close to their child, despite what most breast feeding advocates tell you. No, a pump is not a bonding experience.

Besides the whole breast pump issue I think a woman has the right to choose what she feels is best for her and her baby. I am not going to force myself to breast feed if it’s taking an emotional toll on me and thus affecting my relationship with my child or my husband. Again some women are simply incapable emotionally of breast feeding and that does not make them a bad mother and it certainly does not make you a better one. Please understand that your sanctimonious post, dear blogger friend, insults millions of women and it insulted me tremendously.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest I do want to update you guys on a few things.

My next Ob appointment is Wednesday next week. I will be a day shy of 12w for it. I am fairly certain the doc will whip out the doppler so we can hear the heartbeat. I am both terrified and excited about it. I think once you’ve dealt with any IF issues you are always concerned that something could go wrong. But I am trying to remain positive. Other than that I have no real baby-to-be news to report.

The really fantastic news we received this week is that Ray has a new job. A really nice new job that will basically make our income go up 33K a year which is, frankly, insane. The job does have a bit of a downside in that we’ll have to move Clara to a daycare closer to Ray’s new work. The upside is that the daycare center is the same franchise as the one we currently attend, so in all likelihood it would have a very similar pre-school and kindergarten readiness program. A bigger bonus is that the school system in the county is among the best in MD and so long as she has after school care I can actually allow her to attend school there. I am thinking, if all goes well, we might move to that neighborhood at some point in the future.

We have been very lucky this month- the summer has been the most interesting we’ve had in years.

I’ll update again after our appointment next week. Positive thoughts for a strong, healthy heartbeat.

*and just to give credit where credit is due this is not my word. This word was coined by a friend on mom's forum that I belong to elsewhere on the internets. I wanted to make it clear that I am not, in fact, that witty.

I know finally...

First, a not so wonderful update but at the same time not world ending. I did not get the job. Which actually truly shocked me. They apparently went with someone internal which I knew would end up being the case eventually. I did however, get a personal phone call to tell me that the hiring managers were extremely impressed by me and that they wanted to make sure the recruiter kept my name and resume close by for any other compliance related opportunities in their area. I guess that's supposed to make me feel better. The recruiter is supposed to call me today to talk about some next steps. We'll see what happens.

Also, we've seen the RE and the OB already since my last post. Both have seen a heartbeat on our newest little babe. Great news, after some awful news last week. I was happy that we were able to attend the RE appointment because it gave me the chance to place the u/s picture in my grandmother's casket. Anyway, based on my LMP I am 7w4d today. I still think they have it wrong, I happen to know I am 7w2d today but, hey 2 days less is fine by me.

The baby is measuring perfectly, so as of now nothing to worry about except the fact that I've lost about 5lbs since the start of this pregnancy because I can hardly eat anything, and when I do I just feel sick after. So, I've been very cautious about what I am eating. Ray keeps suggesting that I take more B6 and B12 for energy and I am thinking I might give it a try, it can't hurt right? I would just like to feel good for at least part of the day.

I literally took a 2.5h nap yesterday. Poor Ray had to contend with a cranky and overtired Clara. After her nap though we went to in the in-laws for my FIL's birthday. There were lots of other family around so me tanking out on the couch, not eating anything would have been met with pretty skeptic eyes. Good thing I managed to hold it together until we got into the car. Then both Clara and I passed out. I woke up when we stopped but Clara stayed asleep (at 7pm!!!) and stayed that way until 7:15am!! I woke up later than usual (since we had the Ob appointment this morning) and I was shocked at how long she slept. Naturally though, after spending almost two straight weeks with Mommy and Daddy she didn't want to go back to daycare. She just kept saying "I don't wanna play with friends"- poor thing.

That's really all that's going on here. Next appointment in 4 weeks and possibly the NT scan if I can swing it with the insurance company (such a PITA).

Random

I am not even sure where to start this one. My grandmother is dying. I mean she's been very sick over the past several months but my dad and my uncle took her off life support this morning. It's really only a matter of time. The woman has been suffering so in a lot of ways this is probably a good thing. I know she was struggling to remain upbeat after the last hospitalization.

I wish I had gotten the chance to tell her about the new baby. We were waiting to see her in person because I wanted to cheer her up. Now I am not sure she ever got to know (because I made my dad promise not to tell her). I kind of hope he ended up telling her anyway.

Since the funeral will likely be Monday (she didn't want to be waked and apparently my uncle and father are abiding by her wishes but, I think they should do it anyway) I have to cancel and reschedule our u/s appointment with the RE. We'll be in NY for a couple of days after just to be with my family.

So now instead of celebrating the joy of new life, we'll be mourning my grandmother instead. I know everyone will say circle of life and all that but- still it's sad.

How did I not remember

The nausea? The exhaustion? Gah, I can't do anything around here.

I had my final interview on Friday. I think it went rather well. I had to give them my real application and I needed to send it via USPS but, ha, wouldn't you know it those bastards were closed yesterday (must be nice). I had to fedex it (and not cheaply either). I did manage to get my thank you notes out yesterday afternoon though (apparently they were still delivering mail just there were no retail locations open). Hopefully this will all work out how it's supposed to.

On another job related note Ray has an interview coming up this Friday. They haven't yet sent him the schedule but told him to leave the afternoon after 1pm open. So we are leaving Hershey a little earlier than I intended. We had to go get him a new suit (do you people know how insanely expensive a decent men's suit is? close to 600 bucks and that only included one shirt and one tie). I told Ray that this investment better be worth my while (in other words if he doesn't get this job his ass better be pounding pavement to do other interviews that justify the fact that we just shelled out close to $600 on a singular piece of clothing).

See, here's my rant. I don't really buy clothing because I really hate to shop. But when I do, I purchase a few things here or there, so my budget for a year is probably around $600 (in actuality it's probably a hell of a lot less than that, I mean how many black pants and skirts does a girl really need, after all?) Ray doesn't buy clothing (I usually get him three shirts and two or three new pairs of khaki pants for Christmas) so his budget is less than $200 a year. So spending $600 on a single suit, shirt and tie really stings for me. But I guess it's worth it if it makes a good impression. It's a really snazzy looking suit, for sure.

Not much else going on here. Just getting ready for vacation by trying to stay awake long enough to clean the house and get some crap done. Thinking about taking Clara to the pool this afternoon (if she naps and is good). I am excited about our trip to Dutch Wonderland I just hope I have the energy to do all the thing I want to do with her.

I'll post after our u/s on the 11th. Lots of good thoughts please.

They Joy of the (mostly) Anonymous Internets

Since I would really love to shout it out from the roof tops that I am, in fact, pregnant and that it happened without medical intervention but cannot, I will have to bask in the glory of this pregnancy with my mostly anonymous internet friends. At least for the next 8 or so weeks.

I had a beta done Friday and repeat today, both with the RE. They agreed to monitor me until we see a heartbeat. Once that happens I'll have them transfer my records to my Ob's office and I'll call to schedule an appointment with her.

Now, I cannot tell you the numbers for either of the test since I didn't ask and I don't care. According to both tests things are looking (and I quote) "great"- we are scheduled for an ultrasound on July 11 (right after we get back from vacation). I am surprisingly more relaxed about this pregnancy than I was for my pregnancy with Clara. I just remember being completed freaked out before the first u/s with her. I think I am trying to be more zen about the whole thing. Probably a better approach all around.

On top of all of that wonderful, wonderful news I also got a third interview with this company I've been interviewing with. I decided to go for it after a long (and helpful talk) with a dear friend of mine who finally had to convince me that hard-work does not necessarily equal stress and that I am sort of wasting away at my current position (all true things to be sure). Friday I meet with the marketers. This should be- well- interesting. I just hope I can charm them as well as I have charmed and made in-roads with all our marketers here. I honestly hope I get the job though I do worry how well I will be accomodated regarding this pregnancy. I guess we'll cross that bridge if we have to.

You know the month started out rather poorly (being robbed and all) but if someone asked me whether June ended up being a good month or a bad one. I'd have to say June turned out to be my favorite month this year!

Curiousity...

Well I had to pee anyway. Good thing that test was just sitting around.

Looks like we're having another baby. Due March 3 according to all accounts. Now I just need to figure out which doc wants to run this beta blood test- the RE (who we have yet to see) or my Ob/Gyn. Lots of calls to make tomorrow morning.

Well, well, well...

I just wanted to quickly update all of you regarding the job situation.

I did in fact have a face to face with some of the folks for the company I applied with. I was required to meet with three folks from the department (the hiring manager, her manager and then a peer of the hiring manager). They are a very decentralized office so I expected that there would a bunch of folks to meet. I have to say for the job they want the new compliance person to do they aren't offering nearly enough money to do it. They basically want a person to come in do the marketing compliance from the ground up, IMHO they have almost nothing in place. It seems that they have never have a real, true marketing compliance person in the position before anywhere in the company (and we are talking an international company with a BIG presence and big market share in what the do) so this really shocked me. I would basically be putting together the process and procedures for the department and putting together definitions for the marketers to use in order to comply with the regulations that govern their business. It's a really big job for the money they are offering and, honestly, I am not that interested in building a marketing compliance department for them. In a situation like that they are better off hiring someone within their company who has more understanding of the business and market strategies than I do. I am supposed to know on Friday whether I got yet another interview round. That's the other thing, I realize that they want to heavily vet whatever candidate they choose but I don't have all the time in the world for these interviews, I still have a job that I like and need to be good at because there is a relatively good chance I'll be staying there despite its many flaws.

On to something else. I am 11DPO (12 if you are reading this on Thursday) and true to my word I refuse to test until Sunday (which would be CD1 if I have a 14 day LP, which I don't it's usually around 13 days). So far my temps have been pretty good, funny actually the charting software I use (not Fertility Friend) gave me a triphasic message today. I told Ray and he was like "is that a good sign" and I said "I don't take it to mean anything but the software says it could mean I am pregnant" he said "oh, really?" yeah really but I don't think so many women get triphasic patterns when they aren't pregnant too. We'll have to see what my temp is tomorrow. They usually start to downward slope on 12DPO and I usually start spotting on 11 or 12DPO also and I suspect that the B6 has at least kept me from spotting at 11DPO (yippy). I told Ray he shouldn't get too excited there is a good chance he'll have to repeat his SA and I'll have to do the CD3 bloodwork (which if I am not pregnant would fall on our appointment day, fingers crossed). Anyway, if by some chance I am pregnant I'll be sure to update on Sunday. I suppose I would call the RE's office and let them know and see if they still wanted me to come in anyway. We'll cross that bridge if we come to it.

That's it really. Nothing more exciting going on at this point.

The closer we are the further we are

I just wanted to give a little update on the few items from last week.

The interview went exceedingly well. I was told they want to see me face to face next Tuesday at 2pm. I was told by the recruiter that someone would get in touch with me this week about it but I have yet to hear anything and so that is worrying me. But to be relatively honest I am fairly happy with my current position so not getting this job is not the end of the world. I could stay here for as long as they want me here. My only reason for applying for the position was that it was with a really great company but other than that the job is basically the same as what I am doing with maybe a little more specificity and challenge. The big draw would be, of course, the pay and benefits and the option to earn a S.eries 7. At this point it’s “wait and see” if they get in touch with me before the end of the week. I imagine if they don’t I’ll have to email the recruiter. I did manage to get my thank you letter sent out yesterday so with any luck that will be enough of a reminder to get in touch.

Regarding the robbery; Ray spoke with the detective on Monday morning. The Balto Co Police think they found my iBook. Apparently they arrested some girl in the area with items linked to another robbery that took place about 4 streets down from us. With those items they found an Apple iBook which matched the description of my iBook. Ray had just located the paperwork/serial information for my iBook so they are looking into it. Additionally, he gave the detective information regarding his xbox (since he had an xbox live account the folks at Microsoft were able to track it). We still need to fill out paperwork but we managed to purchase a new TV last Wednesday (not sure if I mentioned that in the last post).

Clara, sigh, Clara. I swear she's trying to drive me to drink. The past week she has refused to go to bed on time. Finally, last night I took to doing her night time routine a full hour before we normally do it in case she gave me a hard time at least she'd be closer to bed time then the last week. Well that was major fails-ville. She still didn't go to bed until 9:15 and then she wanted me to sit with her. I've had it. I went in there and told her that she was a big girl and she didn't need mommy to sit with her that Daddy and I were both in the living room and would be there if anything happened. When I left she screamed again so I went back in there and told her to give me her pacifier and her monkey and that I was turning off the light and she could sit in the dark (again mean, I know) but it worked (for a change) and she went to sleep. Gah. Then this morning after a mere 8 hours of sleep (so not enough for a toddler) she woke up and screamed for an hour for us to put in Nemo or George or Cars. NOT HAPPENING because, as I have mentioned previously 10 minutes is never enough, heck three hours is never enough-nothing is ever enough basically. So we cut it off completely. I had to fight her getting dressed and she started to go bonkers about that. After I let her fit it out for another 10 minutes (while I got dressed) I finally said "would you like to wear something else?" and she nodded and I said "mommy is happy to help you pick out something else but you must stop crying, can you do that?" she nodded yes. She did stop, she picked out her clothing. I got her dressed, hell I even did her hair and she was fine all the way in the car up to daycare (she nearly fell asleep so I imagine she'll be tired for nap time today). She was also good when I left school (unlike the two previous days when she was screaming bloody murder). We'll see how the sleeping goes tonight. I might have to change the routine a little to get her to go to bed on time. Parenting can be so tiresome.

And lastly about TTC; it looks like according to both my ovusoft chart and FF I ovulated 4 days ago. But my temps are lower than I would expect them to be (around 98-98.2). However, I re-read some of my old blogs from when I got my BFP with Clara and apparently 98-98.3 or so was the range for post-o on that cycle so maybe I did O. It’s a good sign anyway, two ovulatory cycles in a row and O on the same day of the cycle. If I didn’t know any better I’d say the PCOS is under control. HOWEVER, despite the optimism in this paragraph I have made an appointment for us to see the RE on June 27. I would rather go in and say “I just got a BFP, check my shit out” then wait until the end of this cycle with a BFN and not be able to do any testing until the beginning of the next cycle (which wouldn’t be entirely true they could do the SA at least just not the HSG or cd3 b/w). It’s actually pretty perfect the timing of this appointment. I will be CD3 on the day we go in (you know providing I didn’t get pregnant), so we might be able to start right then and there with at least the CD3 b/w, HSG (if she wants to re-do-please no) and SA. Not sure if she’ll put me back on the met/clomid again before the HSG results (if I have to do the HSG at all). I personally would rather skip the met because of the horrendous side effects, I am finding the cinnamon to be a nicer, gentler alternative and I wonder if she’ll just let me continue that instead of jumping right into meds. Also, considering the fact that I am ovulating on my own (watch next cycle will be annovulatory again) I wonder how that will change how she treats us. I think a lot of this will depend on Ray’s SA, my CD3 b/w. I am predicting that this coming up cycle will be all the testing, no monitoring and that the cycle in July is when we’ll actually be doing treatments. More in a couple of weeks, for now we wait.

And TTC isn’t even the half of it

This month has already been both the best month and the worst month, and we’re only 9 days in.

I know this is a TTC blog but I wanted to share more the “best” and “worst” of this week.

First the good stuff. I have a job interview with my dream company. This is an interview I never thought I’d actually get. I had already resigned myself to working where I work for at least another few years, so we can save some money and I could eventually go back to school to become a(n) SLP. That might still happen but in the meanwhile I need to save the money and I need to be good at my job so that maybe I’ll get promoted or a better than 3% increase (our average increase around here- so sad). I’ve been working for the better part of a year on earning insurance designations (anyone in the business knows that there is an insurance education program through L.OMA that requires you to pass courses in order to earn them). I have earned three in the last 14 months and I am on track to complete the highest level designation (known as F.LMI) by the end of Fall to further that end.

All that aside, last week when I had that incident with my co-workers (something I didn’t get into then and don’t plan to now) I had sent a former co-worker an email asking for some advice regarding the situation. At the end of her reply email she told me that the company (the one I am interviewing for) was looking for a Marketing Compliance Analyst (basically my job title only we call the marketing “advertising” here). I really had no intention of applying but I looked at the job description anyway and it looked interesting. (For the record, I know I am being vague but that’s because I don’t want to mention the current company I work for or the company with whom I will be interviewing just in case anyone decides to do a little re-con on my on-line comings and goings.) I took a minute, filled out the information, uploaded a resume and basically said “yeah I’ll never hear from them again”- the company is actually known for its extremely stringent hiring practices and the glacial pace at which it conducts interviews and follow-ups. So imagine my utter shock that less than 24 hours after I submitted my information I received an email from their HR department asking me what my availability for a phone interview would be next week. The interview will take place at 5pm next Monday. I’ve been prepping for it the entire week because it’s been 6 years since I did any kind of interviewing at all whatsoever. I am very rusty. One last thing- if we are f.acebook friends I would very much appreciate you not saying anything on my page. Both my boss and unit director are my facebook "friends" and considering that this job is hardly a done deal I’d like to keep them from really knowing about it. Also you can feel free to send me a little personal message on f.acebook if you are just dying to know which company it is that I’ll be interviewing with. So, yeah that was the really good and awesome thing that happened to me this week (that was Tuesday).

On the same exact day that all that awesome shit happened, the absolute most horrendous thing happened too. Our house was broken into and most of stuff was stolen. In short the thieves took our 46” flat screen 1080p HD TV, three laptops (including an Apple iBook), my iTouch, Ray’s PSP and his Xbox360. We came home to our door wide open and our Siamese cat looking out the door like “wtf just happened.” Not sure what part of the day it took place but I am glad both our cats had the good sense to hide and stay inside. We, of course, called the police and they determined that they got in through the back window (we don’t usually leave those windows open [they have screens] because they are on the porch and do pose a security risk), took the stuff and then left. I think there were two of them and I think they were young. They didn’t take my jewelry, our brand new dyson dc23, my iiadro collection or my Waterford crystal vases (you know the expensive shit was basically left). I mean I have gold bracelets and necklaces up in my jewelry box that because of the price of gold are worth 3 and 4 times more than all the stuff they took put together. Some of the iiadro pieces I have are worth more now than when I bought them. I mean they took three 8 year old (or older) laptops, a four year old tv, a two year old iTouch, a four year old Xbox and a three year old PSP- all of which has devalued significantly from their initial purchases. Even the dyson which is brand spanking new (the box was still in the living room for heaven’s sake) was worth more than all three of those laptops combined. But you know it’s not the money value of the things lost, it’s knowing that my neighborhood isn’t necessarily safe anymore, that at some point something could happen to us again or one of our neighbors. We bought a new TV yesterday because I just couldn’t stand to look at the empty space any more and have it be a reminder of what happened. At the same time I am not constantly worried that we’ll be victimized again because of it. Over time I know this feeling will fade a little and we’ll eventually replace all the stolen items but I am not sure I’ll ever feel the same way about my home again.

AND on that note we’ll move on to the guts of this blog which is, of course, TTC(A). Today is CD15 and I expect O to happen within the next day or two (if the pattern holds). I can tell you the CF is fairing nicely and based on that I can tell I am close. So we’ve been trying to take advantage despite the break-in. I think it would turn out to be an overall pretty awesome month if we ended up pregnant. But again I am not counting on it. I can say for sure that if O doesn’t happen by the end of the weekend Monday morning I am on the phone to RE’s office. That was already determined. If I do O I might still call because with the spotting low progesterone I would rather we get monitored and put on progesterone again than risk losing the pregnancy because of it. Only time will tell.

Clara is doing okay, the break-in didn’t phase her (why would it really?) She’s been getting better about her fits (thankfully) but I know because of the recent heat she hasn’t been able to play outside while at school and I think it affects her sleeping. She’s still taking 2 to 3 hour naps in the afternoon but her nighttime habits are getting worse. We pushed back her bedtime to 9pm but now it’s getting later and later. Last night it was closer to 9:15 when we finally got her down and she woke up at 5:45, that’s not enough sleep for a 2.5 year old. Tonight I am going to try doing all her stuff at 8:30, instead of 8:45 so this way she can “snuggle” with me for the last 15 minutes before bed (she like to do that and because it’s only a few minutes it doesn’t hurt anyone, she still walks herself to her bedroom and goes to sleep on her own so, I am not worried that I am creating a bad habit for her). Hopefully we can get her to go to bed around 8:30 at some point without her getting up at 5am too. That’s going to be the real challenge.

Well hopefully the next time I write we’ll be in the TTW again. Hope everyone has a wonderful week.

P.S for Trish- an acronym primer:

TTC= Trying to Conceive
PCOS= Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
LP= Luteal Phase
EWCM= Egg-white Cervical Mucous (most fertile cervical mucous)
CM/CF= Cervical Mucous/Cervical Fluid
BBT= Basal Body Temperature
IF= Infertility
PIO= Progesterone in Oil
AF= Aunt Flo (aka your period)
CD#= Cycle Day
#DPO= Days past ovulation
MFI= Male Factor Infertility
SA= Semen Analysis
RE= Reproductive Endocrinologist (the doc that specializes in infertility)
IR= Insulin Resistant (usually in combination with PCOS)
BCP= Birth Control Pills
O=Ovulation

And just because I mentioned them in the last two posts
L.OMA= Life Office Management Association (an organization designed to help Life Insurance professionals gain knowledge regarding the industry by enrolling them in courses that allow them to obtain designations)
F.LMI= Fellow, Life Management Institute (highest designation awarded by L.OMA)

I know there are a few others in this post but I won’t be using them again-except maybe WTF and TMI but I am sure you know those.

What can I say, really?

It's been an interesting week. And not good interesting. Most of it has nothing at all to do with TTC/IF/Family crap. It's all work related BS. And that's what it is BULL SHIT. I don't even want to get into it really but rest assured that those girls who were the bitches in high school are still those same, nasty, catty, immature bitches in the workplace. Some people never change. You wish they would get their much deserved comeuppance but it never fucking happens. Life is so unfair that way.

Moving on. I started taking B6 and drinking Green tea along with the cinnamon tea and prenatals plus extra folic acid I was taking already. The purpose of the B6 is, supposedly, to lengthen the LP. I've done B6 before with no results so I am not expecting a change here either. I would like to reduce the spotting to only one day before AF shows, that would give me some hope that I am producing my own progesterone. But given the PCOS, low progesterone is par for the course here. I think the only way to help that is either PIO, suppository or a prescribed cream.

The green tea is supposed to help with CF and goodness I've already seen a big improvement there. AF took a hike around CD5 (yippy), and yesterday I was pretty dry but today I had EWCM with pink tinge. So strange at CD7 to have any kind of real CF. Color me excited. I think I am just gearing up again because, again, I can feel my ovaries going on overdrive. I know I ovulated from the right side last cycle and it looks like that's where it will come from again (hopefully), even though I am feeling more left sided pain this time around than last time.

I am also hoping we'll be able to make more time to have sex. Last time our timing could have been better if we had done what we needed to the day before, day of, and day after. Not sure it would have helped considering the mild MFI issues we have going on but at the same time it probably wouldn't have hurt either. Perhaps this is all a little TMI but I need to write it out.

Everything, save the weight loss, seems to be going pretty well. I am trying to remain unstressed by the work related bullshit and just put my mind into TTC and getting my FLMI for work (three more tests to go!!!!!!!!)

That's really it until something happens- which with any luck should be in a week and a half or so. Until next week. :)

Moving on

I decided to take Ann's advice and not beat myself up (thanks Ann, for always being a good friend to me). I think part of my problem is just being hopeful. I am not an optimist by nature. I like to say I am pragmatic but Ray says no, I am a true pessimist. I think pessimist is extreme but, it might be more accurate. If there is something between pragmatism and pessimism that would be my life philosophy. We'll call it chrissyism.

After my emotional breakdown on Wednesday (my cycle actually fully started on Thursday for those of you keeping track of my chart) Ray and I had a nice long chat. I figure I can keep going if I know at some point we'll get help and it won't be in 6 or 7 months, that it will be sooner rather than later. He told me he wants to stick it out "see what happens" not "rush" to force my body with meds etc. I honestly think he wants to avoid doing another SA, which is eye-rolling to say the least. I know his last experience with the SAs were terrible but I told him that we'd be with the RE from the start and so the conditions in which he'd have to do his business wouldn't be like they were the first time around. I also told him that there would be a chance he wouldn't have to do it again.

After much discussion he asked me why I was so desperate to go back. I told him that I really think that this cycle was a fluke and that future cycles waiting for ovulation are a waste of time. He thinks that because I've lost more weight and that the cinnamon tea is helping he doesn't want to just give up. All that stuff is helping, of course, but how consistently remains to be seen. I still have PCOS that's the shit that won't change, so I can drink 10 cups of tea a day, and lose 25 more lbs and it might not make any more difference now than it did. This cycle isn't indicative of anything, IMHO.

He said he still wanted to see how this cycle went and then I could call. I asked him if that meant I had to wait until i started bleeding again because that could be 40 or 50 days from now, if I don't ovulate. I told him I wasn't willing to wait that long and that if he didn't want to be a willing partner with me that we could just stop the whole thing right now. He said he wasn't trying to force an all or nothing just that he didn't want to run back there if my body was in fact working. I said I am not waiting for the next cycle to start because I don't know if that will be in 30 days or 60 days- producing nothing but agony as I go through the cycle. Then he asked me at what point would I know the cycle was a 'bust' so i told him honestly within 20 days. He basically agreed to compromise after that and said that if nothing is happening within 20 days I could call and set up our appointment.

So as it stands now, I am charting this cycle for the next 20 days to see what, if anything, happens. Let's just say I am not holding my breath for a repeat. But in case it does happen I'll consider it a good thing (obviously). To be clear I still wouldn't think that me O'ing two cycles in a row would be indicative of anything and it certainly wouldn't prove him right (because it just wouldn't). If nothing happens (as I suspect nothing will), I'll make the call the morning of the 20th day and set up the appointment. In the meanwhile, I am back to once a week update here on the blog.

Thanks for all the Thoughts and Prayers and support and comfort- it means a lot.

How Do You Convince Yourself It Will Be Okay?

CD1 has arrived and let’s just say the bloom is off this rose for sure. I wanted so much for this to be the cycle so I could avoid the inevitable crap that comes with PCOS. I wanted to convince myself that I would be happy even without being pregnant because my body finally cooperated but at the same time I knew I’d be crying.

Now I have to steel myself for the next go round, the hoping and the praying that maybe we’ll have normal cycles. Hoping and praying that even if I do ovulate again without meds that the spotting this time was a fluke (not likely based on my previous test which required me to take a progesterone suppository in order to stay pregnant with Clara). It’s like a big list of unknowns and I fucking hate it!

Why am I doing this to myself again? Why am I letting myself get all worked up about TTC. I feel like this shit just never seems to go our way. Yeah, I know it’s the first cycle so how could I expect anything better but at the same time there are billions of women who get pregnant without a problem right out of the gate. WHY CAN’T I BE ONE OF THEM?

It’s hard not to be angry or upset about this kind of thing. Seriously, the only thing I want to do is be freakin’ NORMAL. Why is that too much to ask? Why do I have to make myself sick with worry that on top of everything else I might have a problem with progesterone?

Do you know that ALL of the women who had babies with me at work (i.e the ones who shared the pumping room with me) all have second kids now? ALL OF THEM. Did you know that all the babies that were first borns in Clara’s Infant I class at daycare all have siblings for their children now- ALL OF THEM. I feel like my life is a big joke and everyone is laughing but me.

Yeah, I am feeling sorry for myself- Big Time sorry for myself. Our friends who have a 1 year old told me a month ago they are about to start trying again and I just know she’ll be pregnant next month and I’ll still be waiting to see what my body decides to do. This shit SUCKS SO HARD. I just keep setting myself up for disappointment after disappointment.

It’s so hard to just convince myself that this cycle was a step in a positive direction because in the back of my mind I know there is something else wrong, even without the PCOS. Do I make the call now? Do I wait? Do I give up? I want to give up, sad as that seems, pathetic as that is, I just want to run away give up the whole thing and BE OKAY with it. But I won’t be, I know I won’t be. And yet it’s just too much for me right now.

Imma Hafta Disappoint

No, I didn't test, and no AF hasn't arrived but- let's just say I am not optimistic about the cycle. I am posting today to let you folks know that I probably won't test (if I even need to test) until Friday. I just didn't want anyone showing up here tomorrow expecting a post with a result. Chances are my result will be "AF is here" and we'll be On To Another Cycle. I will say this, if AF shows tomorrow (could be today as my temps were down pretty significantly this morning, though still above the "cover line") I will probably post.

I have mixed feelings about this cycle. On the one hand I am super thrilled that I ovulated on my own and that my temps stayed pretty constant and high for a full (hopefully if I don't get my period today) 13 days. I am concerned about the spotting though since it could indicate a different problem but, I am hoping that was just because of the BC. But of course I am disappointed that AF is around the corner and that this wasn't the cycle. Honestly though it would have been a miracle for us to get pregnant this cycle. And even though I told myself I wouldn't get my hopes up for having another January baby (seriously the due date would have been the same week as Clara's) I, of course, did because that's just how I am.

I'll leave the rest of my thoughts for either tomorrow or Friday.

HA!

I added a link to my Fertility Friend Chart to the side bar of this blog, just because. Normally, there wouldn’t be much to show in a chart like mine, since with the PCOS it would be all wonky temps and non-matching CM and other fertility signs. But, for some reason after I wrote last Wednesday’s post my body got the message that “hey we could work if we want” and so, you will see that it did. That makes today 7DPO. A minor miracle if I do say so myself.

Ray asked me this morning what he thought our chances were this cycle. I told him timing was pretty good so I’d say 75%. That’s about what it would/should be in any normal cycle. I didn’t tell him that though- he thinks it is all him-LOL. Boys! ;)

I don’t want to get too excited, since there is a pretty decent chance that nothing happened here. I am happy though because at least my body did something right. Will the pattern continue? Will I be “normal” again? There are no early pregnancy signs to speak of because, well, at 7DPO how could there be really. I think if I am going to obsess over signs I’ll wait until at least 10 or 11DPO to make that call. When I was pregnant with Clara the only symptom/sign I had was severe cramping about three to four days before my cycle was due.

I know you are wondering if I’ll test early. I am really going to resist. Seeing a stark white negative test would probably kill me. I’d rather AF show up then deal with that, honestly. I know that just because I get a negative test at first doesn’t mean I won’t test positive later but why do that to myself? Why not just wait until the day my cycle is due if my temps are still up? It serves me no purpose to test early. What does that mean for those of you reading this blog? That means, if my LP is the exact correct length, if my temp is still up next Thursday you will be the first to see what the outcome is. Is the suspense killing you yet? :P

If I have to pinpoint why things went well in this cycle it’s because of weight loss combined with this decaf cinnamon tea that I drink. Without really know how it would affect me I started drinking this tea. The tea is very good and it was actually the only reason I drank it (it doesn’t need any sugar, it’s naturally sweet because the cinnamon is sweet). For the last few months I have been trying to cut down on sugar and sugar substitutes (since they give me migraines) and I almost always put sugar in my coffee (milk too) which is added calories and not good for IR PCOS folks (or my continued and still needed weight loss). Then I came across this tiny little study (this is linked to the SoulCysters forum but the text is from Science Direct not sure what journal it was published in) that linked the taking of cinnamon with better blood glucose levels. What’s even more interesting is that it doesn’t need to be a huge amount, in a dose as low as 1g daily will do it. Well I drink 4 cups of this cinnamon tea a day (again it is decaf) this is easily 3g of cinnamon and I have been doing this for the last 4 months, the time for efficacy is actually 8 weeks. Is that awesome? Now, can I say for sure that this was the tipping point for why I actually ovulated this month? No but I think the BCP, combined with additional weight loss and the added boost from the cinnamon surely didn’t hurt. Right?

And to leave you on a separate, but much related note, we went to Mass this Sunday and after Communion during my silent prayer time I said a prayer for my grandmother who is very sick right now. In addition I also prayed to St Gerard. Not for me necessarily, because well that’s not how it’s supposed to be. I actually was thinking more about Ray’s two cousins. His older cousin suffered two miscarriages and is currently pregnant with a sticky baby. We are so excited for her but I know how devastated she must have felt suffering through those miscarriages. His other cousin (it’s actually his cousin in law) was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in her 12th week of pregnancy with her third baby. According to her gyn oncologist the lump they removed is a slow acting tumor- they couldn’t determine where it came from or how it would metastasize. The good news is that she won’t have to have a hysterectomy but the doctors aren’t sure if she’ll be able to have more children naturally. Both of these women deserve the prayers and intercessions of St. Gerard, as well as the many women who suffer from miscarriage, cancer and other forms of infertility.

Stay tuned for next Thursday when we find out whether or not this cycle panned out.

A Day Early

I had to urge to write so I am writing today instead of tomorrow.

I am miserable. Not only has the acne come back and I feel like crap but nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, is happening with this cycle. Today is CD16-hope is completely gone.

I know what you are thinking; “Chris, it’s only the first cycle off the BCP your body may take some time to adjust.” But, c’mon folks, I’m no idiot. I know how this ends.

There isn’t even any kind of CM happening. It’s like (and pardon the TMI) a barren desert. I am having major cramping though which means my ovaries are on overload- a very bad sign indeed. Seriously, FML.

With the niggling doubt and hopelessness come the inevitable questions:

Do I just give up? Not even see the whole process through. Throw away the chance at having another one?

I know, in my heart, if I give up now (on Cycle 1 only 16 days into the cycle) I’ll never see another baby in my life that’s mine. Because (and this was the problem from the very start of even thinking about having a second) I cannot stand the heartbreak, the heartache, the endless vials of blood taken, the expensive medications and the decreasing amount of time I have with the daughter that already exists. How selfish am I to want to go through this entire process again?

And if I do decide to go through with this at what point do I say “I can’t do it on my own”- how long do I have to wait to make the phone call to the RE to say “HELP”- longer than 16 days into Cycle 1 would be my guess. All the while knowing that without some kind of intervention, my ovaries are a ticking time bomb. There is no knowing if they’ll ever do what they were meant to do.

What bothers me, what annoys me the most though, is that despite weight loss, despite watching my blood glucose and taking my vitamins there is absolutely nothing I can do to improve my situation without medication. My ovaries will NEVER work on their own how they are supposed to.

I am not sure why I allowed myself to get so delusional about it. I really thought that after losing 62lbs, getting my shit together and being on the BCP that I would have some semblance of a normal cycle. So I could finally say “see Docs you were wrong about the PCOS diagnosis- I was just unlucky” – but I have come to realize that no, I am not just “unlucky” my body hates me.

That being said, I’ll monitor this cycle until it ends and then make the decision to either go back to the BCPs or stick it out. Ray told me he supports me either way, he doesn’t want to see me sad or upset but I also know he really wants to have another baby. And to be honest, so do I.

More of the same here...nothing

CD10 here and I don’t think I’ve seen a temp lower than 97.1 in all the time I was temping when we were trying for Clara. But today it was 96.8. Gah, so the hopefulness I was feeling on CD3 is pretty much gone now. I don’t think I’ll be seeing O for a while, maybe not at all until I get some provera.

I know I shouldn’t be so negative, after all it’s only CD10 but with temps like 96.8 it doesn’t leave me too hopeful. Not to mention I know how this body of mine works (doesn’t work). I’ll be surprised if anything good happens. The best I can do right now is just keep on trucking along and see what happens from here.

The rest of everything is okay. I am experiencing the worst sinus headaches lately. I think it has something to do with all the flowers and trees making an appearance. And even though I love planting and spring, right now the whole blooming world can eat my shorts. I’d like to go one week without a headache. The other thing that’s making the sinus headaches worse is my glasses, I think, are too heavy for my face right now so they are putting pressure on my nose and that doesn’t help too much at all. I am getting new glasses this weekend but it will be at least a month before I see them.

As for Clara, well, sigh. This entire week she’s been hysterical in the mornings. Monday she woke up at 4:30am and refused to go back to sleep until we put on Curious George for her. On Tuesday she slept until 6:15am so all I had time to do was get her dressed (which she was upset about) and do her hair (again another fight). Once she was dressed and hair done she wanted to eat her yogurt but there was no time. I offered her other stuff like a cereal bar, cheese stick, ham, raisin bread etc to no avail. So she fought us until we were in the car and I could distract her with something else.

But yesterday took the cake. After the whole Curious George fiasco on Monday I told Ray that she wasn’t allowed to watch it any more because if she was waking up at 4:30am screaming for it she clearly had a problem with regulating it. We had to take away her pacifier (it was time anyway), potato chips (which she hardly ever got) and lollipops (another treat which was rare) for the same reason. She would finish the few chips I would give her and want more and then scream for 30 minutes after I said no, ditto for the lollipops. So now she doesn’t get those things and she doesn’t get George either because, one episode in the mornings is not enough and she goes completely ballistic if she doesn’t get her way. And maybe other parents think I am just being a big mean Mommy but if you had to listen to a hysterical high-pitched screaming 2 year old in your car for 20minutes at 7am, I think you’d do the same.

Anyway, she was “good” all morning according to Ray and he asked me if she could watch one episode. I caved (like a freaking idiot) and so he put on her episode. Naturally, when it was over and we had to go she went bonkers. She cried for 10 minutes in the house followed by the 20 minute drive to daycare- again throwing off her shoes and socks while in the car (and seriously, I know this is terrible, but had it not been raining I might have made her walk from the car to the school without them that’s how pissed off I was). The when we were in school she continued to cry and cry saying “my George, my George” without stopping, and then after a while she started to say “uppie, uppie” for me to pick her up. I told her I would be happy to do that if she calmed down and stopped crying-which she sort of did. I picked her up gave her a kiss and a hug and told her I had to leave to which, naturally, she started crying again. The teacher told me she would be fine once I left, so did.

Then this morning at 5:45am I could hear her screaming while in my room, which without the monitor, is difficult (i.e. she was loud). I normally wake up around 6:15 so I just sat there trying to get myself together (hoping my headache would go away, yeah right). I could hear her screaming “George, George. I want my George” and, God Bless Ray, he didn’t give in, even though I know he wanted to. She probably was upset for the same amount of time (about 30/40 minutes) but once Ray sat down to get her dress and for me to do her hair (around 6:45am) she was fine and happy. We had no issues in the car and no problems going into school. I think much like the pacifier, she will forget all about wanting to watch Curious George in the mornings and go color or play with her leaptop (a Leapfrog Laptop), something we can bring with us in the car and into school.

That’s all that happened this week. I hope all the Mom’s out there have a wonderful and joyous Mother’s Day. And to those of you still trying for that first little one I wish you the best too.

Cycle1, CD3 already?

We stopped the BC early. I just figured enough was enough; I didn’t need to take it that last week anyway. Ray was on board for stopping the 5 days early and so now we are officially, official.

I started temping again and honestly it’s difficult to get back into the swing of things. It’s kind of hard to remember to do it right when my eyes pop open but I am remembering to do it, so that’s good. Obviously being only 3 days into this cycle nada is happening but at least the cycle has started so, there is hope for now.

This past Sunday was Easter. We attended Mass at our parish (sometimes we go to churches closer to us on typical Sundays- church where we are not technically parishioners- we kept our standing at the church where we were married and where Clara was baptized and where, hopefully, another baby will be baptized). Easter Sunday is always crazy at that church because it’s really a beautiful old Gothic style church with lots of windows and I think people feel at home in the church because it isn’t a big cathedral like a lot of the other ones in the area, anyway, I digress. So we decided to go to 8:30am Mass figuring it might be a little less crowded and that Clara would be awake but not in full on toddler mode yet. Well it was crowded but we found a seat (amazingly because we got there 5 minutes before Mass started) in the back (where we would sit anyway). Clara was okay during the Mass (as good as a 2 year old can be given that it’s an hour of quiet time basically) and she was making smiley faces and waving to two old ladies in the back-row. When she acted up (like getting loud or whiney) Ray would take her back to the narthex and deal with her. I felt like, given the circumstances, she was pretty good.

Mass ends, we skip Communion (like usual) because Ray isn’t a confirmed Catholic and well, I am just a bad one so we don’t go up. We leave as soon as Communion starts so we can get out of the parking lot a little faster than most, hoping to avoid the crowds. As we are walking towards to parking lot though the little old lady who Clara was making cute faces at stops me and says “You know, I hate to say it but what she really needs is a sibling.” Gah!

First off, REALLY? She NEEDS a sibling? No, what she needs are two loving parents who have the means and resources necessary to take care of her. Which we are, and we do.

Second, REALLY? Why do people feel the need to make these inane comments? They have no idea what our situation is or why we’ve chosen (or not chosen) to have more children. Utterly ridiculous!

I was polite though and said “yeah, it’s not for lack of trying”- the woman was probably out of earshot though. Ray asked me what happened and I told him. I also told him that I couldn’t really be mad at little old church ladies who don’t have a clue (or want to have a clue) about our situation. He said that regardless people should mind their own business. A truer statement was never spoken.

I guess it does anger me though. I am not sure why once Clara reached a certain age people have felt the need to get involved in what’s going on in my uterus (or for that matter, what is NOT going on in there). I realize that people are only curious and from close friends (and even family to some degree) I don’t mind answering because most of them know our situation and none of them brings it up to me so flippantly. But acquaintances and co-workers, people I hardly know are all the time asking when we’ll have the next one. Well folks, if it were up to me it would be today, this month we’d get pregnant but, you know what? It isn’t up to me. It’s up to what my body is doing (not doing) and up to medication wearing off or working and all other kinds of things of which I have zero, zip, nada control over. I wish people would be a little, tiny bit, more respectful of people’s personal issues. I feel like when it comes to my ute everyone gets to have their say. /end rant

And things with Clara aren’t getting all that much better. I swear she’s going to drive me to drink. I mean I love her but I cannot stand the massive temper tantrums she’s throwing lately. Like today, for example, she was all fine sitting and watching Curious George until it ended and she wanted to watch another episode. There was no time for that so Ray picked her up and she started to cry hysterically. She fought getting into the car, then she took her shoes off and threw them while in the car nearly hitting me in the face, finally when we got out of the car and she was still hysterically crying I carried her in (normally she walks) to school with my hands underneath her armpits so she couldn’t kick me.

Even after we got into her classroom, trying to calm her down with her usual things (Elmo, yogurt, mommy’s iTouch etc) she refused to calm down. I told the teacher that I wanted to stay but I had to go. I am going to call over there a little later to see how long it took before she was okay again. According to the teachers she rarely goes that nutso while at school, it’s only at home that I have no ability to calm her. That makes me feel wonderful. :( Ray says he thinks peer pressure to calm down quickly is why she doesn’t spend 20-30 minutes tantruming it out on the floor.

I know this is just her being a typical two year old and that eventually she’ll grow out of it. But it still feels horrible the endless screaming and crying over nothing. I am hoping by the time we have the next one she’ll be better.

Once a week

So I promised myself that I would keep up with this blog once a week. So here is your weekly installment of me. I hope you don’t mind.

I wish I could say things were going on right now. They aren’t. I am a week away from finishing these ridiculous birth control pills. I have a few things I need to do to prepare myself for ttc again.

I need to go to the dentist. I have several cavities that I would like to have fixed/filled before I get pregnant. At the very least I need to have the x-rays done. I would prefer to be sedated if possible during the process (get them all done at once maybe?) and I don’t think I can be pregnant for that. So I need to make that appointment (which, yeah, not happy about it).

I also need to make a half-hearted attempt at finding some of our old baby-gear. We need the infant insert for our car seat. Ray told me he has no idea where it is and I am not sure we can get a replacement. If another baby is as tiny as Clara was at birth we will definitely have use of it.

On a totally separate note 4 of the moms who had babies in Clara’s Infant I class (basically Clara’s age, maybe a little older) either have new babies now or are pregnant now. Also two of Ray’s cousins are pregnant too. I told Ray it was a good thing we decided to have another one or I’d be going a little batty right now. I have to admit though it’s hard to wait, especially since we don’t know what my body is going to do.

In case I didn’t mention what the plan is (did I mention it, I probably did); we are going to go try on our own for the next three/four months. Then in September I will meet with the Ob/Gyn again and get her thoughts. My guess is if I am not pregnant she’ll recommend I go back to the RE. I’ll have her send my records over there and I’ll call for an appointment. Then it’s probably back to testing for both of us. Ray already told me he isn’t looking forward to doing the semen analysis again. I told him we would do it at Shady Grove again like we did the second one the last time. I doubt his count/motility/morphology got any better from three years ago though. It won’t matter since most of the infertility stuff really falls on me. We just need “one good one” for him.

As for our already existing miracle well she seems to be doing quite well. She’s still waking up in the middle of the night for no reason. I am not sure if she’s having nightmares that wake her or what. Usually Ray goes down and calms her down and usually that works. It’s still a battle at least once a week to get her dressed in the morning. She threw a massive fit yesterday for example but the rest of this week she’s been fine. I got to spend a little extra time with her this morning in her daycare room because Ray accidentally forgot her daycare bag (lunch, snack etc) at home. So we spent an extra 40 minutes hanging out waiting for Ray to come back to the school with it.

She’s a funny and cute little thing though. She wanted to spend her morning showing off in the classroom for me followed by sitting next to me and hugging me. She was NOT HAPPY when I left but I tried to tell her that I was there until Daddy brought her bag back but that didn’t compute. Shana (her teacher) said that she was sure she would be fine once she was sitting down to eat her yogurt. It does make me wish I could spend more time doing fun stuff with her.

Anyway, this weekend is Easter and I still have not gotten Clara’s Easter basket together (bad mommy). So tonight Ray and I are off to Target to pick stuff up for her (and coffee too since we seem to be out all of a sudden, I don’t drink caffeine much now since I knew I’d have to give it up when I got pregnant so I didn’t know we were getting low).

That’s all from around here. Hope everyone has a blessed Easter.

T minus 13 Days

I have 13 more little pink pills left in my pill pack to take. I have to be honest I am a little nervous about stopping. Not because I am afraid of getting pregnant (which, if it happens just by coming off pill, would be a minor miracle) but because these pills have actually given me my life back in a lot of ways.

When Ray and I first got together I wasn’t taking anything at all. We used barrier methods because (and I can’t believe I am going to admit this in public) I didn’t want to go to the gyn. I had this major fear of being- well looked at. Plus I really dislike(d) doctors (oh the irony-clearly over that now). Anyway, my sister-in-law practically forced me into the doctor’s office about three months before my wedding. The gyn she was seeing (who retired before we wanted to have a baby) was extremely nice and I felt comfortable with her so the exam was fine. At the time my cycles were pretty regular for me (about 40 days or so) and I hadn’t given HBC much thought but she suggested that if we were serious about waiting that I should consider a pill. At the time I was not organized enough to remember one daily and so I asked about the patch. She told me because of my weight (I was around 180 at the time) that I would be better off with N.uvaring. I was on that for two years before we decided to have a baby.

But in those two years I had horrendous cycles and I was miserably depressed. I had also gained a lot of weight (about 40lbs) though I don’t that that was the pills I think that was just me.

You all know the story after I got off n.uvaring (no cycles, dx PCOS, a year of problems, and finally a visit to a specialist) but after I finished breastfeeding Clara the gyn had recommended I get a M.irena IUD. I knew my insurance wasn’t going to pay for either the device or insertion of the device, not to mention I wasn’t keen on the idea anyway. Ray and I weren’t 100% sure what we wanted to do regarding having more children and I didn’t want to make a special appointment to get the thing taken out. I wanted to just be able to stop taking pills or whatever. The doctor recommended Y.AZ instead.

I have to say I experienced little to no side effects with this pill. To the contrary it cleared up my face, I never lost my sex drive, I lost weight (wow), and my cycles were so much more manageable (hello 3 day period, I love you). Now, after being on this pill for the last 18 months or so I feel like I don’t know what will happen when I stop taking it. Will my cycles be screwy? Will the acne (ugh) come back? Will I be a raging beotch? I am scared and nervous about it. I mean I know it’s necessary so there is nothing I can do about it. But still my life is manageable with the pills and so naturally going off them is a little bit like walking a high wire.

I guess we’ll know in about a month or so how this will all play out. I am just hoping that with additional weight loss and the pills having done what they’ve done for the last 18 months that maybe, just maybe, it won’t be as bad as I think it might be

And we're back...

In so many ways.

Back here blogging (when time permits)
Back TTC again (or close to it, anyway)
Back with Clara not sleeping through the night(the fun continues)

Life has been interesting. This is my last month of BCP. I am both excited and, well not about it. I am excited because we are finally in a good position both emotionally and financially to add to our family. I am not excited about possibly going through the same heartbreak as before regarding the PCOS. When I talked with my Ob/Gyn in September she suggested we not go more than 3 months after I get off the BC (not including the month after I finish since we're not supposed to be trying that month) before I get an appointment with our RE. I will be seeing our Ob/Gyn in September anyway though (for my annual) so I'll probably discuss this with her again. If we're lucky (yeah, okay) we might be pregnant before the end of the summer. If not next fall we'll be at the RE.

We haven't exactly figured out what we are going to do about the insurance. Ray will have to see what his company is offering come the fall. I know my company will continue to offer the HSA and unfortunately I cannot have a PPO and an HSA otherwise that's what we would do. At this point since fertility is covered under my HSA if we are still trying at the start of next year (likely) we'll probably stick with that since we'll make the deductible before I go into the hospital putting our expenses at 80/20 using the traditional PPO option, not to mention Clara's repeat VCUG for next summer as well (since more than likely she'll have to have at least one more after the one this summer).

As for little Miss Clara well she seems to be doing well. We weaned her from the pacifier for all but night time sleeping. She is only allowed to use it in her room and on her bed if she wants to use it outside of night time sleeping. She does not use it for napping at school or any other time of day now. A real improvement from needing it all.the.time. We also moved her into a toddler bed because she was screaming her head off being in the crib (locked in, so typical aquarius) and wanted to sleep on the floor. Better in the toddler bed than on the floor, right? Anyway, for a while there she refused to sleep alone and so Ray and I would sit with her. Now we finally got her to go to sleep by herself. But she still wakes up about two times a night when she loses the pacifier. So, our next thing is to get rid of the pacifier at night time. We'll probably do that in a few weeks once we are convinced that she is putting herself to sleep without an issue.

As for potty training well that's sort of happening and well sorta not. She likes to be on the potty but she doesn't like to actually use it. She practices a lot, let's just say that. But we had already decided we were going to wait until after her next VCUG before we went full force on it. I think she'll respond well to a three day potty-training method but we'll see.

Anyway, so I'll be here and there posting my frustration about TTC again and maybe some good news too (at some point, right).