A Prayer to St. Gerard

It the past few months my Church going has waned considerably. Actually in the last year we've been really bad about attending Mass. Something always seems to "come up" which is really bad, I know. I always felt happiest at Church though- it gave me a sense of peace maybe. I just knew that God would provide for us there and in the rest of our lives just by taking 1 hour out of each week to give thanks to Him.

Of course, I still feel He provides for us just we spend less time thanking Him than we used to. Not such a great thing.

I don't consider myself a religious zealot or even anything close to that. I barely consider myself religious at all. I grew up in a pretty normal home- we attended Mass every Sunday of course, I was in CCD and did all that stuff but my parents weren't "involved" in the Church and I didn't go to Catholic school or anything. I would say, by and large, we were your typical Catholic family.

In CCD you learn your Sacraments- what they mean, why you do them. You learn about Jesus and Mary etc etc. Same things you would learn in most Christian religious instruction, I would think. The difference is of course the learning about the Saints of the Catholic church. Ann mentioned St. Anthony in one of her most recent blog posts. St Anthony and I have a LONG history. He's helped me find everything from a lost pen to patience. If I could get Ray to agree to it we'd probably name our first son Anthony. LOL

Catholics have Saints for everything- St Jude for hope, St. Lucy for eyes etc. Someone recently mentioned St. Gerard to me. Apparently he's the Patron Saint of Motherhood/the Unborn. I did some research and found a prayer to recite to him. Each morning when I wake up and each night before going to bed I say a prayer to God (of course), Mary and St. Gerard to protect our baby and the give hope and strength to those women who are suffering infertility or difficult pregnancies. I figure a prayer like that couldn't hurt matters any and it brings me hope, I guess.

The basic prayer to St. Gerard is to request his intercession before God and Mary. I rarely say the one I am going to post, my prayers are usually more free-form. :)

Here is a prayer to St. Gerard to all you soon-to-be mothers/want-to-be mothers out there

O Great Saint Gerard, beloved servant of Jesus Christ, perfect imitator of your meek and humble Savior, and devoted Child of the Mother of God: enkindle within my heart one spark of that heavenly fire of charity which glowed in your heart and made you an angel of love. O glorious Saint Gerard, because when falsely accused of crime, you did bear, like your Divine master, without murmur or complaint, the calumnies of wicked men, you have been raised up by God as the Patron and Protector of expectant mothers. Preserve me from danger and from the excessive pains accompanying childbirth, and shield the child which I now carry, that it may see the light of day and receive the lustral waters of baptism through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Long Awaited-Perhaps?

So I really meant to post this whole thing yesterday but as usual I made dinner and fell asleep when I got home. I was lucky I made it to 9pm. The way I've been feeling lately I'm lucky I make it through work.

The u/s went fantastic (I promise a pic as soon as I figure out how to get it here so that you all can see it). Our Clumpy is measuring right on target (6.5mm which makes us 6w4d +/- 2d) with a nice strong heartbeat! We were sooooo happy to see that.

I have officially been released from the RE's care back to my Ob/Gyn whom I need to call. I am just giving the REs office a few days to transfer my medical records back to my Ob's office. I'll call Monday to set up my appointment.

So things are looking great for me, Ray and Clumpy (maybe Thumpy-eh Mel?) and every day I fall more in love with our little bean. Of course I am suffering from m/s and I am tired nearly all the time but I don't think anything in the world could make me happier than being sick for our little one. :)

that's about it. As soon as I get the pic together I'll be sure and post it up.

Status Quo

All is quiet on the home front now. No more spotting and I am not even the slightest bit concerned about it. I put the suppository in last night and everything was fine this morning. I probably just nicked myself when I put it in two nights ago. Everything seems to be fine and the m/s is definitely still around (fun!)

We get to see Clumpy tomorrow and I am so excited. It's going to be too early for a heartbeat but we should see a lot more this time than last time. I am sure it will all be good news for us (well I am hoping it will be at least). I am feeling much more positive lately, trying to remain calm. That's sometimes hard for a person like me.

Either way though I am trying to look towards to brighter parts of this process and not let things freak me out so much. I am not sure how well that will go.

Ray took a half day yesterday to be with me. I mostly just sat on the couch and talked with my mom on the phone. I think she was concerned but not enough to freak out. She never was that kind of mother though. She just told me I'd be fine, not to worry and to do what the nurse asked me to do. She told me I should call Ray's mom to stay with me yesterday but I told her I didn't want to mainly because I didn't want to upset her (obviously I did not have the same issues with my mother). In fact I didn't talk with anyone in Ray's family about yesterday because it isn't something I need to concern them with unless it gets worse or there is a problem. No use making everyone upset, right?

I am predicting a better day today...

Prepare for the Freak Out

I woke up this morning around 3:30am to pee. This is not unusual lately for me, I also needed to eat something or I knew I'd wake up at 6:30 needing to throw up, since that's how it goes for me. I finish my business in the bathroom and like always I check the TP. It's pinkish...I freak out.

I go back to bed, sorta. Ray wakes up and asks me if everything is okay and I started to cry. I told him about the spotting. He said "that's bad, right?" and i told him I didn't know. It's certainly not normal by any stretch of the imagination but it's not necessarily a bad thing. I thought maybe it was a one time thing. I woke up at 6:30 (normal time) feeling sick (because I hadn't gotten my late night snack because of the freak out I had) and peed again- no spotting but then there it was on my second wipe. It was more brown than pink, no blobs or globs (sorry about the TMI folks) and it was very little. I am not cramping, I feel okay (except for sore boobies and nipples and extreme tiredness). I called the doctor's office just to see if maybe they wanted me to come in.

The nurse was exceedingly nice and said "you are on progesterone suppositories which can sometimes irritate the cervix when taken for long periods of time. If it turns bright red or it's more than just spotting call us back immediately and we can have you come in for an u/s." My next u/s is Wednesday and up until this morning I was feeling really good about it. I was excited to see our little Clumpy again (even if it is going to be too early to see her little heartbeat) and I guess I still am excited but now I am back to being a bit more nervous and cautious about this whole thing.

I decided to take the day off today because if the cervix is irritated I don't want to be walking around, getting up and down and filing stuff away. I'd rather be on the couch watching Yentl and eating french toast. Ray had to go in to work today but said he was going to leave early to stay with me this afternoon. I wish he had stayed home the entire day, it would be better for me. But he has commitments for work which clearly outweigh his commitments to me (I'm not bitter about this at all, can you tell???) And maybe asking him to stay was irrational of me but damn it, I get to be irrational from time to time.

Now I am constantly on "spot-check" patrol and every time I feel anything "down there" I am in the bathroom with TP in hand checking it out. I am miserable.

I suppose I should just let things be the way they are going to be and not worry so much. I do wish the nurse had checked my last beta level to let me know what was going on. My guess is if she saw something in the chart that alarmed her when I called this morning she would have said something. Right?

Anyway, i am exactly 6w today- only 6 more to go before I freak out just a little less...

A Better Day All Around

Except for the m/s which has shown up unfortunately. Minor but definitely there. I spent 1/2 my morning at work in the bathroom waiting to barf. Thankfully, it didn't happen or I'd have a lot of 'splainin to do. I grabbed some sour candy and some water and felt much better. I even managed to have lunch and I already feel 100% better.

Of course I still have the nausea inducing pre-natals to take. Bleh I dislike them with a passion. I forgot to take one yesterday (dang it between everything else). Overall though I am feeling pretty okay. Still tired as all get out though. I could easily nap the entire day.

I am feeling much better about yeterday's ultrasound. After chatting with some of the ladies over at the Ovusoft forums many of them told me that if there was really a problem the pregnancy would have measured way behind (by like a week or more). My doctor seemed to think mine was right on track, so that was very reassuring. I have a lot of faith that next week my Clumpy will have grown and there will be enough to see what we need to see. If not we'll wait until at least 8 or 9 weeks before we call this one done-I heard a lot of misdiagnosed blighted ovum stories and I won't let my baby be a statistic unless it really looks bad next week. But it won't- all is going to be fine.

I am at peace right now with the way things are. Trying to enjoy my time being pregnant-even with minor m/s, slight cramping and extreme tiredness...I will be excited to see next weeks u/s.

U/S

So I should be feeling better but I'm not...

According to the doctor today I am 5w2d-which by my calculation is pretty accurate. I got intimate with the dildo cam again. There was a gestational sac and a yoke sac but no fetal pole. Doctor did not seem concerned considering how early it is. Needless to say I would have felt better if there was something more there. Doctor seems to think it's still a bit too small to see (around 1mm or 2mm) and that it was hiding at the top of the yoke sac close to the gestational sac making it harder to see.

Of course as a precaution before they offically diagnose this as a blighted ovum or some other such thing I have to go back in next Wednesday for a 6w2d u/s with the high hopes that there is a fetal pole and perhaps even a heartbeat (oh Lord please let there be SOMETHING). They took more blood from me to test my current hCG levels. I wasn't told to call in so I am not sure I should. I assume if the news was that the levels aren't rising or if they are going down that I would get a phone call ASAP. Hard to know what to do here.

Ray told me his gut feeling is that everything is fine and that my needless worrying will not help matters in the least. I told him I knew that my worrying was illogical and ridiculous but that admiting that to myself did not make the fear go away. He said it's a long 7 days and we have to try and enjoy knowing that so far the doctor seems pleased with Clumpy's progress...

So for now I will try and enjoy being pregnant for as long as that will last (which hopefully will be another 9 months) and of course I will continue to hope and pray that this pregnancy is just fine and everything is moving along in the right direction.

And if it isn't-we'll take some time off-start again from the beginning and keep faith.

Fear

I've heard it said that sometimes fear can be good for a person.

I don't think I am one of those people. I hate being afraid.

My biggest fear right now, and probably will be until we have this u/s on Wednesday and then another one to see the HB, is that there is no baby. It's the thought that keeps me from sleeping, is the fear that keeps me from thinking about anything else.

I cried last night for probably 45 minutes. Ray was a champ though and told me no matter what we'd be okay. I know he'll be okay. I just don't know if I will be.

Through the last year of trying and treatment it feels like it's taken us so long to get to this point that God could not possibly be cruel enough to take it all away. I don't believe that God is cruel in anyway anyhow though. I know He has a plan for all of us, even if we don't quite understand it. I know a lot of people don't believe that life is faited a certian way but if I don't believe that and things are bad (and we hope they are not) then that means I have to accept that maybe things don't happen for a reason. Sometimes things just happen.

All I want to do is be in bed right now. I want to rest my head on my pillow and forget about my fear. But it's with me even in sleep. I can't just ignore what I am feeling. It's so hard to enjoy this pregnancy when I am so worried all the time.

I talked with my mom this morning. She said the more I worry the more likely I will make myself sick. She told me to calm down because everything is probably fine and if it isn't that's okay too because now at least we know I can get pregnant. She said if there is an issue that she believes Ray and I will be okay and we'll work towards the next time. I told her that it's hard to think about saying good-bye. Then she said "you won't have to because everything is ok and it will be ok."

But the truth is I won't know if it's all okay until Wednesday at 10am. Until then I'll just keep hoping and praying. Any good thoughts you all can spare would be greatly appreciated.

Holy Tiredness Batman

Gosh I'm tired. And to any of you who say "oh you have no idea just wait until that kid is born" I say to you "BAH!" and "Leave me alone" I'll bitch if I want to this is my blog...

I've been having waves of tiredness for the last few days but today I am outright exhausted. I have hardly felt a cramp today but I feel uncomfortable overall. Like my tummy is spasming- it doesn't hurt it just feels uncomfortable. That on top of being hungry but not wanting to eat...it's strange.

The boobies are the most sore today than they have ever been. I honestly just want to crawl back into my bed. I hope this means Clumpy is okay.

I am still nervous about our u/s next week. I am praying that everything is fine and that she's measuring the way she's supposed to. It's my RE doing the u/s. The last time I saw her was for a follie check at CD 15 where my follie hadn't grown at all...I hope that's not a bad sign. I really want everything with this pregnancy to be uneventful.

I talked a little with my mother yesterday. I asked if anyone had a history of miscarriage in the family. She said no one but my grandmother (her mom) did have a baby stillborn because of a tipped uterus. It wasn't something they knew before she delievered him. But that was the only problem she ever had.

In addition she said I should be happy that I am not in a lot of pain or that I am feeling sick. She said she felt happy, perfect and fine throughout all her pregnancies and that most likely I'll experience the same thing. But symptoms are reassuring to me...is it odd that i just more of them?

With relation to the uterus stuff, my HSG showed I have an arcuate uterus. Basically my uterus is in the shape of an arrow. The RE said it's nothing to be concerned about and that mine is not very prevelent. It doesn't matter. No matter how many people tell you everything is going to be fine you don't believe it until you see that baby on the u/s.

It's so hard waiting. I know that whatever will be will be and that stressing out about it won't change anything but it's hard not to.

Update**Beta #s

So I got my 2nd beta back and it looks okay. It didn't quite double but very close (less than 100 off from doubling completly) the beta level is 2793, I wish it was higher. I was honestly hoping it be closer to 3000. My progesterone level dropped a bit also to 36.8 (3.2 less than Monday's test). I have an ob u/s next Wednesday to see if there is a sack and all the related stuff. I don't think there will be a heartbeat until a few weeks after that so...I am not getting to worked up over anything at this point.

Anyone have any experience with betas and progeterone levels. Should I be worried that my level didn't exactly double (we went in about 20 minutes earlier this time than last time, does that make a difference) and that my progesterone level went down 3.2 from Monday?

2nd Beta

So I won't have the results of my second beta until around 1pm today. As soon as I have them I will update with the results.

To answer a few questions. I am 4w4d today (according to my chart). Obviously an u/s will have to confirm the date when (fingres crossed) we get to that point.

How did I tell Ray? Well let me give some background on that. As most have read, on 6dpo I had to go into the RE's office for a progesterone test. The progesterone had to be over 15 in order for them not to prescribe suppositories. My level came back at 15.9 so as a precaution they started me on the suppositories. The nurse warned me that the progestrone might delay my period or make me have symptoms of pregnancy even if I wasn't pregnant and that I should test on June 1.

On about 11DPO I started to have mild cramps and some breast achiness- typical of an AF visit and I thought "ok we'll just prep ourselves for the next clomid/hCG trigger cycle" and I told Ray that I thought I'd get my period this cycle. He said "so we'll get it on the next one" and I was okay with it. We have been busy with the house anyway and I was concerned that our timing was mess up for this cycle. I was ready to get pregnant next cycle.

On 14DPO (May 31) when I didn't get my period (my typical LP is 13 days) I didn't think anything of it because I was taking the progesterone and I figured that's why it was a bit delayed also no spotting, again I attributed this to progesterone. But the cramps were quite painful. I usually get cramps before AF but these were more painful than any I'd experienced in the last few ovulatory cycles. I just thought that the progesterone was making them worse. That night (May 31) I was talking with my SIL and I was mentioning that the nurse suggested I test June 1 but I didn't know why I was bothering since I was like 99.9% sure I wasn't pregnant. I even went so far as to suggest I was going to stop taking my progesterone suppositories due to how much they sucked (good thing I didn't do that). All this time though my temps stayed around 98.3 which is really high for me (most of my post ovulatory temps never get above 97.7 there are always a few that hit 98) but again didn't think anything of it, at all.

On Sunday morning (June 1) I woke up and decided to "waste" my 5 bucks and take the test just to get it over with. I wouldn't have tested at all until I was done with the progesterone suppositories but since the nurse said I should, I did. When the urine passed over the test point it came up positive immediately. Shocked would not have been the word- awed, dismayed, completely stunned would explain it better.

I left the bathroom, Ray was still sleeping, and I screamed (running up the stairs) "WAKE UP" and he (in his half asleep voice) said "what, what's wrong?" and I said "nothings wrong" and showed him the test and we hugged for a good minute and then I said "should we wait to tell everyone?" and he said "maybe" and I said "I have to tell my mom and sister" and so we told the immediate family and our good friends and obviously I have told the blogging world. But our co-workers/bosses don't know and our extended families are oblivious at least until we are well into the second trimester.

And so now waits for the next beta which we hope is good. We are already attached to "clumpy" (Ann, I thought about you when we thinking of a nickname for the "baby") and hope that she'll be fine and that this whole pregnancy will be completely uneventful in every way.

Betas/Progesterone & My Nerves

So my beta was 1439 and the progesterone was over 40 which the nurse said is perfect. I am happy to hear that.

I am nervous though, I go for my repeat beta tomorrow (the RE's office likes to keep a close eye on early pregnancy) and I hope everything is okay. I've been feeling pretty good lately. No morning sickness, just some cramps every now and again and my boobies are a bit heavy and painful but nothing like the way some people describe it.

Should I be concerned? I would think I would at least feel somewhat different. I just feel like I do right before AF shows up. I mean I know I am pregnant and my betas and progesterone look good but with few symptoms I am nervous.

My mom told me she didn't have any for her first three months of pregnancy and didn't know she was pregnant with my sister and me until she was almost 12 weeks (she told me after she had my brother she only had one post partum AF visit and then not again for another 9 months LOL). I have no idea what to think...

I am just hoping my numbers are really good tomorrow.

In the mean time I continue with the hideous suppositories.

An the answer is...

So, yeah that about says it all. Thanks for all the support ladies.

I'll update tomorrow with my beta numbers. ;)