Well *sigh*

Still negative.

My chart is wrong.

I think all that spotting was me having a very short annovulatory cycle-so even though no temp drop...my temps are in "normal" range now (96.8-97.3) better than the really low temps I was having.

Apparently I am on CD15 now, CF is creamy but definitely not eggwhite...maybe I'll be lucky and ovulate in a few days...

Ray and I are back on our every other day schedule...so only time will tell for this cycle.

Dr's appointment w/ the GP this Friday to clear up yet another UTI- this is the 5th one in 6 months...something is clearly screwy...maybe he'll check my kidneys and see if there is a problem there...I think I'll request cipro instead of macrobid since the macrobid hasn't been clearing up my UTIs completely...

Dr's appointment w/ the OB/GYN on the 22nd...hopefully to figure some stuff out. I am worried I won't like the new OB/GYN...

Anyway, that's the story from here.

16DPO

Yes folks I said 16 f***ing dpo today...tested BFN yesterday..

WTH?

I feel sick---I don't know if that's nerves or something else. Temps were still up today... is my chart wrong again? I really don't think it is.

This waiting completely sucks donkey butt---I have to wait until Sunday to test again. That would mark 18 high temps above the coverline and basically me being pregnant without having to test. But I NEED to see a line on a test or I'll never believe that I charted correctly or that I even ovulated.

This game totally stinks.

And...on the TMI wagon--my CM is creamy as all get out, I keep going to the bathroom thinking AF has shown up (which would be near impossible considering my temp went UP this morning)

I do not want to get my hopes up....no wait, I take that back. I will not get my hopes up for this cycle since it was so f-d up to begin with. Yeah, something is wrong and until a pregnancy test tells me otherwise...well that's what I am inclined to believe.

So---we wait until I get real hard proof one way or the other.

Que Eerie Music

Um yeah

No AF

No blood at all except after sex and that wasn't even enough to use anything with. I wiped, it was gone. Today, nothing.

I am 14DPO today. I should have gotten my period today. My temp went back up.

What the (pardon the expression) fuck is going on?

I feel cramps, mild. I have a headache, I've had it for about 4 days now-also mild. I feel dizzy from time to time--I've had vertigo before but this is different-ish. I feel full and bloated and right now, like I wanna puke. But I don't feel nauseous per se, just ugh. That could be just because I ate (but all I had was a small slice of french bread pizza and some fruit).

But I am pretty sure I'm getting a negative on any pg test I take. There must be something wrong with me then. And still a whole month until I get to see the OB/GYN. Who woulda thought I'd want to go to to a doctor??

Bleh.

Geez, I wish I had some answers. I refuse to test again until at least Friday. What's the point if I am going to see a stark white BFN again? I will assume either a) I didn't really O (totally possible) b) I have some type of luteal cyst which is extending my LP c) something is really really really wrong...

Right now, I am betting on c, because I am such an optimist.

OTAC (On To Another Cycle)

Temps dropped...big time today.

I feel AF coming, I think. I dunno. All that bleeding for the last two weeks and now, watch, she won't show. But I feel crampy and my face is broken out so...she's definitely on her way.

There is sadness. I tested yesterday, not sure why. Last night when I got home. I got the urge to POAS. Stupid me. Sure way to bring on the old girl. I learned my lesson- no testing until I am officially late. I never thought it would bother me that much to see the stark whiteness of the pg test...but it did.

Now I get to go to baby shower next Saturday---I get to spend the weekend with my in-laws talking about Ray's sister Jess and her pregnancy. I feel like crawling in a hole and dying about now.

We should have started this process months ago but Ray was too scared and I guess I was too. Now I feel like who knows what's going to happen. I can keep praying that I ovulate on time to give us more chances at getting pg.

I have to be patient, how could I really expect to get pg the first time out of the gate? I guess in a lot of ways I really did expect that. How foolish of me.

Anyway---I am just gonna sit and wait for AF to show today...try and spend time with Ray tonight- we haven't had many intimate moments these past two weeks. I felt a little disconnected from myself and from him. Maybe I'll try and make things better between the two of us tonight.

I hope AF shows soon and that she's not brutal to me.

Bleh

Stupid headache that won't go away.

Well I am 12DPO today...tomorrow I will test I suppose.

Pretty sure I am not pg but it's okay. More months for us to try and try again. Won't Ray be just thrilled to bits.

I do feel rather not like myself today...haven't been feeling like myself for about 3 or 4 days now. I am not sure if something is stiring up in the air or if I am making stuff up as I go...LOL

Tomorrow is the moment of truth I guess. After Ray you all will be the first to know (well you and my twin sister, I promised I would tell her before I told my mom).

Ok---now I am getting a bit nervous.

Wish me luck!

Out Damn Spot? More like AF

Ok so today is 7DPO according to my great looking chart. And while normally most people would be thrilled with increasing temps etc- I am depressed. Why? because I am still bleeding. Not just oh there is some blood...nope a full on AF type bleed, fit with cramps and a killer headache. So much so I am not even sure I'll test in 7 days.

My hope for this cycle? None

My hope that everything is okay and that this is "hormonal"? None

My hope that I'll be pg by the end of the year? None

So I am batting a thousand at this point. And...on top of that...my co-worker is pg too. 10 people now, that's 10 people that I personally know who are currently expecting...10 in the last 6 months. Yeah I am pretty sure this is God's little patience test for me. Ok, Lord, I hear you loud and clear. Time to slow it down and stop getting upset over things I cannot control.

Ray and I are going to continue trying even though right now we are putting a lot more focus into our trip to Australia and the exciting things we have coming up this summer. But I can't help but feel pretty disappointed in all this.

Not to mention of course that my OB/GYN who I adored has gone to NC leaving me without anyone to see about this "abnormal bleeding" problem. I made an appointment to see another OB/GYN, one actually affliated with Ray's hospital system but she can't see me until mid-August...so wait I must...like I must for a lot of things.

I guess this is what happens when you finally make the big "leap" to the TTC game. Lots of waiting around, lots of hoping for the best, lots of diappointments. I so much adore Ray and I can see that eventually we'll be successful but right now it just seems so far away. Everything in the Lord's time I suppose. Can't rush perfection.

That's it from here....

Staging a Rebellion?

I'm bleeding

Not like "oh a spot" and then it's gone. No I am bleeding--bright pinky/red blood. So much for my "I ovulated" theory. Looks like that's not happening.

Why, when I want to get pregnant does my body have to go and do this? I can't say that before I didn't care. I've always cared how f**ked up my body was/is but now it's even more frustrating and upsetting.

Maybe if I didn't chart I wouldn't have known how screwed up I am. Maybe if I didn't chart I wouldn't know all the weird and strange things about my body. Maybe if I didn't chart I wouldn't be so upset right now.

But the fact is I do chart, and I do know how screwed up, weird and strange my body is and the simple fact is that YES I AM UPSET about it.

This is only cycle 1 and already I am losing my "cool"- why can't I just get pregnant like a normal person? Why does my body want to hate me so much?

Talked with my mom this morning. She told me to stop worrying so much. Easy for her to say she had three kids, in a year (plus two weeks) she was 23 and 24 when she had us...I am nearing 30 and I feel my body rebelling daily.

So, today I am sulking, eating ice cream and praying that this "mini period" I have today is gone by tonight.

Oh well--I guess it's on to the next abnormal cycle.

1 DPO?

Well--I think I ovulated yesterday. *sigh* Geez I hope I did.

Sometimes all this fertility stuff can make you go batty. Did I O, didn't I? If I did, am I pregnant? Then if you do, you gotta wait 2 weeks to offically find out...

I am excited about this cycle because even if we don't end up pregnant...well if I ovulated when I think i did it would mimic my last cycle and it means that my body actually does work from time to time. Which is very awesome.

I still think my temp will nosedive tomorrow and that today's temp was a bit flukey but...a girl can dream for a moment that she's normal, can't she?

In the mean time all the "right" signs are there but I am still having a bit of spotting which worries me some. Maybe I'll make Ray find my cervix tonight. LOL.

I am so tired today for no good reason and the day seems to be taking forever and ever. I still have another hour + here and I am not sure I can keep myself awake that long.

Oh well---I'll try and find something NON-fertility related to entertain me.

Why Me?

You would think with the copious amounts of sex that Ray and I have been having that I'd be happier. But alas because my body does not want to cooperate I feel sad and hopeless.

Today is CD 15 with no O in sight. My cycles have reverted back to unpredictable, long and probably, if I had to guess, annovulatory. Why am I even bothering with this TTC stuff? I feel as if I am running around in circles most of the time.

I told myself that after this cycle was over (when ever it chooses to end itself) that I am going to the OB/GYN and talking with her about my annovulatory cycles. I am not sure if she'll give me anything or if she can even help me but at least I can talk with her about it.

The last time I mentioned charting my cycles she kinda brushed it off. But maybe if I bring them with me she can pinpoint my problem and give me some help. I certainly do not want to be doing this for a year without at least being looked at.

Ray seems to be enjoying all the extra sex we've been having but I can't help feeling that there is some resentment there too. Like he thinks the only reason I want to have sex now is so that I can get pregnant. Which is partly true and partly not true. I love being with him and it's nice that the sex we have now is so good. But I am not sure how I'll feel in a few months when we still aren't and he still feels like sex every other day is worth it...

I have a lot to think about. I am not sure if I should lose hope just yet. I am only on CD15 but not O'ing now means if I O I'll O late or more than likely, not at all...

Bleh. Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Now What

Ok so the weekend could have gone better. I certainly did not need to hear that yet another person in my life is pregnant but...it certainly could be worse.

I am not sure what is going on with this cycle. Today's temp was the lowest my temp has ever been. I wonder if there really is something wrong with me that the blood tests are picking up.

Ray and I had a very busy weekend with guests from all over showing up... we gave our guests our bedroom so there was no hanky panky going on while we were shacking up on the air mattress. Last night though was a totally different story :D

I am not sure if I'll ovulate this cycle. If it turns out I don't I really need to make an appointment with the ob/gyn to see what is going on. Because if three of the last 4 cycles charting are annovulatory than there is something very wrong with me that needs to be addressed. I have a feeling clomid is in my future!

On the bright side the abscesses seem to be getting better. I just have to make sure I keep taking care of myself.

Feck

8 at last count

8 girls pregnant that I know either personally or through other means...8 in the last 6 months. WTF is going on??

Yeah I know-we're trying now. We've finally gotten on our way and yet...it still hurts to hear that there are people in the universe who are already where you want to be. I don't think I can handle another pregnancy announcement without hanging myself.

It is hard to be genuinely excited for people when all you see is your own failings or attempts. It's like a lot of things in our lives. It takes us so long to make a decision on something and then finally, when the decision is agreed upon or modified--it seems like everyone pops up with the thing you want.

Ray and I talked last night. While I consider us already TTC he still considers us TTW. But if I had to be honest with myself I could NEVER see us really "timing" sex or just having sex around ovulation days. Besides the fact that I enjoy having sex with Ray, I am pretty sure Ray would stage a revolt if we ended up only having sex three or four times a cycle. I don't want that. I need a willing partner and if that means more sex for the both of us, so be it.

Lately I am back to having some medical issues that I wish would just go away. Ever since I was in college I've been plagued by abscesses in areas of my body that would make most people cringe. I don't know if it's because I am overweight or family history (mom gets them, auntie gets them etc) but I do know I hate them. I have two right now one under each armpit. I can barely raise my arms above my head they hurt that much. I've tried all kinds of remedies and I am on a natural turmeric remedy now. I sure hope it works as they hurt like heck.

I try to keep this information as much from Ray as possible since my health is a major concern for him and BIG factor with why we didn't move on the TTC thing earlier. I know that if I tell him all my "health issues" it certainly will put us back until he thinks I am well enough. Truthfully, I've been suffering with these health issues for the last few years...I don't see any sign of it really changing and I am not ready to wait until they all clear up 100% before moving with the whole TTC/TTW thing...

Either way...I am making the best of my situation.

Well that's it from here.

All Aboard

So-here it is an offically offical TTC blog.

Never thought I'd get here but yet here I am.

After a series of pregnancy pop-ups over the last 6 months, Ray and I have finally decided that it is our turn to start trying for our own little one.

I've been waiting at this station for the train to come in for a long time. It feels like every time I think the train is pulling into the station (i.e. Ray is with me) the train gets delayed and I am left feeling like "ok, why did I get up then?"

That's sorta how I look at this TTC journey. A train ride to babyland. I highly doubt my wonderful husband feels the same way. But needless to say he seems to be at the train station with me now and that's all that matters.

So, let me describe this station for you if I can. It's sort of busy lots of folks either coming or going. Most of them seem to be excited and nervous just waiting for the train to pull up and let them on. Others seem frustrated and require more help to actually get on the train. Those folks, the ones who have been waiting a while, those that require the help of the porter or conductor are the ones I am most nervous about because---well we could end up like that ourselves. In the meantime we'll just hope our train comes before people start asking questions.

The ride to babyland itself will be filled with some really exciting things for us and I look forward to it. The journey should help Ray and I grow as people and as a family. It will help us put into perspective all the things we really want/need in our lives.

Once we get on the train the journey to babyland begins but we'll have to switch trains at "Pregnancy" once we get there. Right now this is just the first half of the journey the ride from TTC-ville to Pregnancy and then the final stop in Babyland. I don't mind switching trains part of the fun of this whole thing will be getting to Pregnancy...

In the mean time I statred this blog to journal our train ride from the Station at TTC-ville to Pregnancy and finally Babyland. I am hoping that we won't have a long journey as some couples do and I am hoping we won't require so much help as some couples do but--if that's the case than so be it.

We are excited to share this with you but I respectfully request that you be kind in your comments to us. Getting to the station was hard enough.