And I just keep rolling along

Ahh yes, now comes the weekly visits to the doctor.

So far, so good. Of course the doc I saw this week is a twinge bit concerned with my 120/82 blood pressure. Odd, since I hear that's pretty normal. But it is "high" for me (typically i run around 110/70) so I guess I can appreciate the concern. She told me to run to CVS next Tuesday and check the pressure myself and if the diastolic is in the high 80's to call. It won't be. :)

Last night was our last childbirth class. I am sad, I really enjoyed that class. We ran through a "practice" labor- I did well I think :) LOL. We'll see how I do when it's really here. But I am excited, not nervous or worried like I thought I would be. I know if I keep myself calm I have a good chance of being able to handle the pain. And with Ray close by I know he'll be great support. I just CANNOT wait to meet this little kicking bundle of joy! (and btw OUCH).

Things are going great. Christmas is tomorrow and I am happy. I get two days off (tomorrow and Friday) and my mom will be here next Friday (after New Years). Ray and I are going out for Thai food (like we always do on New Year's eve- since Thai food and New Year's eve was our first date). I am really looking forward to spending our last "just us" new years together reminicing about how we met and all that happened this year. It's always such a special time of year for us.

Then after that only 4 more weeks until Baby Parrish is with us. I can't believe how fast this all went. It seems like only yesterday we closed on the house and I got my BFP. It's been such a fantastic year- what more could I possibly want?

So, overall doing well. Baby P is measuring right on track- no news on how much he/she weighs just yet-I'll ask my Dr at the next appointment if she can pinpoint an approximate weight for me. I don't think the baby is going to be huge (considering I don't have Gestational Diabetes and my measurements are spot on). Now me on the other hand---I am looking forward to seeing how much I weigh AFTER the baby is here. We'll see how much work I have to do to get back to where I was before I got pregnant. Hopefully it won't be too bad- I've only gained about 30 or so lbs since the start-which isn't bad.

That's it for me (and Baby P). Happy Holidays everyone!

Ok, I'm ready

I am so ready to meet Baby Parrish. Seriously. I just cannot get comfortable in bed any more. I know I'll still be up every two hours when the baby is here (at least for the first few months) but eventually I will get to sleep again. I can't wait for that to happen. All the parts of my body hurt now and functioning at work is harder and harder each day. So unfair.

We had our first child birth class on Tuesday. It was great. Ray was wonderful- I adore him. He's been great around the house lately too. I am very lucky. He knows how much harder things have gotten for me in the past few weeks and he's really pitched in and tried to be there for me. I really appreciate that.

Last night we spent about 30 minutes trying to find some meditation music to bring to the delivery room with us. We practiced some of the breathing techniques- it was nice. I almost fell asleep on him though-LOL. It was good just to spend "us" time together.

I have a doctor's appointment today, so I get to leave work early- thankfully. It's with a different doc from the practice I go to. I hope she is nice. Not sure what we are going to talk about but- something for sure. I am hoping it's a pretty quick appointment because I would very much like to go home and nap after. :)

Tomorrow is my work shower. I am NOT looking forward to it. More about that at some later point- I am just too upset to really express it right now. Maybe over the weekend or next week I'll get into more details.

Anyway, that's it from here.

If they let me

If my job would let me I would just nap right here at my desk. Heck if they'd let me I'd nap at home and get paid for it. LOL

I'm so tired. No, tired doesn't really cover it- more like absolutely beat. Like I've been awake for the last 4 days. I wish I knew why I couldn't sleep.

Yesterday was supposed to be our first child birth class but the instructor was ill so they pushed it back a week. Now we have to take the classes until right before Christmas. Oh well- it could be worse. At least the hospital is fairly close by.

Things are going well. Baby Parrish had a quiet day yesterday which freaked mommy out. Today he/she seems to be making up for it. I don't mind the kicking and squirming. It's reassuring to know baby is doing okay.

Supposedly I am supposed to be feeling some kind of contraction type things (braxon hicks or something) but so far, nada. Is that a bad thing? Everything still feels the same to me- maybe I am just too obtuse to notice? I do however notice that baby likes to hang out right under my ribs. Thankfully those don't get kicked often.

Overall things are normal. Just wish I could sleep longer/more.

And the award goes to

Thanks to Meghan for my bloggy award...and so here are my nominations

1. Ann because she's a real life friend too.

2. Trish because even though she's been MIA lately she reminds me a lot of me.

3. Lauren Jean because she's also a real life friend.

4.Brittny because she is hilarious

5. Mel another real life buddy.

My Fabulous Five Addictions:
1. Chocolate

2. Coffee (yes even now)

3. Steelers Football

4. Right now, all things baby related (that will change I imagine)

5. Lush Cosmetics

Here are the rules to receiving this award:
1. You have to pass it on to 5 other fabulous blogs in a post.
2. You have to list 5 of your fabulous addictions in the post.
3. You must copy and paste the rules and the instructions below in the post.Instructions: On your post of receiving this award, make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them. When you post your five winners, make sure you link them as well. To add the award to your post, simply right-click, save image, then "add image" it in your post as a picture so your winners can save it as well. To add it to your sidebar, add the "picture" gidget.Also, don't forget to let your winners know they won an award from you by emailing them or leaving a comment on their blog.

So tired

Sleep has become elusive lately. It was a busy busy weekend. But good.

On Wednesday my mom came in to help me prepare Thanksgiving dinner since my sister was coming in and my in-laws were coming over. 10 of us total. The dinner came out well but it was exausting for a pregnant woman. I also had a doctor's appointment that day. No weight gain (w00t) and all my tests are normal! So this pregnancy has been totally normal so far-which is great. I start seeing all the other Ob's starting at my next appointment. This way in case my Ob isn't on call or can't make it to the birth I'll at least know who the doc is that's sticking his/her hand up there-LOL.

The highlight of the weekend was the baby shower though. Which went really well I think.

I got a lot of stuff that Baby Parrish needs including a stroller, 2 car seats (one infant, one convertable), bedding for the crib, baby monitor, blankets, diapers...and surprisingly enough not a lot of clothing-which in all is a good thing. Baby Parrish still needs hats and socks though. I have to work on that.

Apparently some of the girls at work are also throwing me a shower- it's supposed to be on the 12th. I am sure I will end up with lots of clothing at that one. They are a little annoyed that I won't tell them the sex of the baby. Ahh well get over it.

Oh even more exciting than my shower? I found out I am also going to be an Auntie! My brother's girlfriend is pregnant too. She's due July 12. She's 41 and freaking out but overall in good spirits. Very sick though- I think they are afraid she may have hypermeisis- which would suck for her. Hopefully it isn't that and by the time she gets out of this trimester (which should be soon) she'll be feeling better. My brother is very excited! Maybe my parents will luck out and get one of each (a grandson and a grandaughter).

My dad was down after thanksgiving too and made a radiator cover for the baby's room- which is looking so darn cute right now. As soon as we have all (or most) of the things up on the walls I'll be sure to post of picture of it (with me in it so that those of you who know me can see what a whale I've become LOL).

Ok, well that's it from here. Hope everyone had a nice weekend.

So far-so good

All the bloodwork was normal. The doc had to re-run the bile salts bloodwork but she didn't think it would show anything (the lab screwed up). My feet have been less itchy and I honestly think it's more stress/anxiety related than blood related.

Even better news is that I once again passed the GTT! 111, same as the one I took at the beginning of the pregnancy. Very very happy about that. The weight gain is still an issue and I've been trying really hard not to let it go out of control but my body likes to hold on to weight so this has been difficult. It will be good when I feel I am in control again-because right now I am not really. I think I am up around 30 plus lbs. It's horrible because I do not want to be where I was last summer-well above 200. The only good thing is that I am sure to lose a little of it when the baby gets here. Then it's back to weight watchers for me once I get everything at home on a schedule. Ray is 100% on board with me going back to WW once the baby is here. This is good because without his support it would be a lot harder.

Overall things are going okay. I am in major pain all the time it seems though. My back hurts, my knee hurts, my shoulder and neck hurt. Just so much fun all the time. But it's only 11 weeks until the baby is here, I know I can make it and it will be worth it. Of course I am nervous as heck too but- I'll get over it.

Well that's really it. My next appointment is right before Thanksgiving and then I am on a two week schedule (wow!) until Christmas and then once a week after that (yikes). Ray and I start our childbirth classes the first tuesday in December- that should be-enlightening for him.

I'll try to be more consistent with posting.

Only Because You Asked

Cholestasis of pregnancy is actually a liver problem that causes excess bile salts to be deposited into the maternal blood stream. This causes the baby to absorb these excess bile salts potentially affecting the baby's liver function and sometimes causing jaundice or other complications.

If caught early enough the itching caused by the excess bile salts in the maternal blood can be controlled with medication but overall the spillage of these salts can't really be controlled, only monitored. Only about 1 to 2 in 1000 women ever develop Cholestasis of pregnancy. If the bile salts are not too high I will probably just be put on medication to control the itching and re-tested at each appointment to see if the levels are rising. If the doc thinks everything is okay she may still let me try to go more naturally rather than forcing me to have an induction early.

What I am hoping is that the levels are low enough that I can control the itching with medication and avoid the whole induction senario. Today will be the deciding factor. If my GTT comes back high I will also have to do the 3 hour test (sucks hardcore) and if I fail that then I am most likely going to have schedule an induction :( - there would just be too many potential complications between the cholestasis and the gestational diabetes. With any luck my GTT will be fine and the bile salt levels will be low.

I'll know today what the dr is thinking.

Updating the Major Points

I am so so so so so sorry I haven't been here in a while Things are absolutely INSANE lately. I just don't have time to write everything down.

Ok so what's going on with me and Baby Parrish??

- Baby is doing awesome. My last appointment has me measuring right on target and the baby's heartrate is perfect (150s still). I am in the last trimester and trying not to freak out.

-Dr thinks I may have Cholestasis of pregnancy because I complained about having itchy feet. So instead of taking the one vial of blood for the GTT they had to take 8. That sucked but hopefully everything is okay and I won't have to worry to much. My Dr is great though she didn't get all bent out of shape about it even though it can cause some serious complications.

- My boss (sorta) is AWESOME. She was in town two weeks ago and I brought up going part time after my 6 weeks of leave are up. She was all for it! She said she thought that would not be a problem at all. I'll be working 3 days a week up to 30 hours for at least 6 weeks, possibly longer if we can manage it financially (I think we can). That would give me more time with the baby while he/she is under a year. My SIL Jen already agreed to do one day a week of babysitting for dinner (LOVE HER!!!) and I think I can totally convince my MIL to do something similar for the M&F. So baby will be out of day care for at least 6 weeks after I get back from Mat leave and then only in daycare 2 days a week after that if I go back full time. I am so happy about that arrangement.

- Things are going better in the Ray & Chris department too. It's been a difficult few weeks at the Parrish house. I've been an emotional wreak and totally stressed out but I finally got out what I needed to say yesterday and I think Ray is beginning to see how I am feeling. So that's good.

- Ray and my FIL went to go get the baby's bedroom furniture today to set it up. I got my first shower gift (still don't know what it is because of stupid UPS) -hopefully I'll get to see it today.

-I am insanely far behind on my projects for the baby. I still have to finish crocheting the blankie and the rest of the baby's name project (just the middle name remains thankfully). The holidays are coming and I am running out of time.

Well that's it from here. Life is crazy- many apologies for not updating more.

yeah yeah yeah

I know I know...you think I forgot about you folks. I didn't.

Life has been hectic and crazy. I have no time for anything any more.

Yesterday was the feast day of St Gerard. Did you know that? That's just something completely random that I know.

Anyway, the baby is doing well. I am heading into trimester 3 and it's all becoming so real.

Thanks Trish for the Bradley information. I have so much to do I hadn't given it much thought since I wrote my last post. I have to look into that and some other things.

Other than the usual stress of getting ready for baby things are okay. I have a terrible toothache that I have to wait two weeks to get fixed because my dentist is a busy busy guy. In the mean time I suffer but today has been the best of it. Just a little bit of pain and I am hoping to not need tylenol but I don't know how lucky I will be with that.

Everything is going well. My birthday is coming up and Ray, baby and I will be in Boston. Not that baby will enjoy it much still being inside me but...we'll talk to baby and see :).

So that's the update. Next appointment isn't until November 5-then I only have 12 weeks after that. *sigh* who knew it would go so quickly?

Uh...

So much to say, no time to say it.

Baby is moving and groovin' like the dickens. Of course Ray being oblivious still can't feel it. It's not like it's light taps or anything the baby uses my tummy as a punching bag but Ray can't seem to concentrate on what that feels like.

Anyway, I am not upset about it eventually the baby will kick or punch me hard enough he'll realize what it is. We decided on a name for the kidlet and bought furniture this week. Hopefully the furniture will be here before I give birth. We'll see. Even if it's not that's okay since baby will be in the PnP until he/she sleeps through the night. As long as I have the PnP and a place to sit upstairs in our bedroom that's all baby will need for sleeping arrangements when he/she is born. Everything else can come later I suppose.

I am slowly but surely working on the registry. Gosh there is so much baby crap- I probably don't need like 3/4 of it. But I want to register for the stuff I want not just need.

So naturally now that I am past the half way mark my thoughts have turned to L&D. I meant to talk with Dr J (my ob) about about it last time I was in the office but I had a raging UTI and talking about that took up most of our 20 minutes together. I'll ask at my next appointment. I still haven't decided if I want to go med free- I am thinking I would like to try but 1. I already know I'll be on antibiotics for the labor due to the GBS and 2. I don't want to be a hero-LOL. So I am not sure what the point of doing classes like Bradley etc are? Trish, I know you did Bradley are the infatically against pain meds? I'd like to leave my options open in case I can't take it. *sigh*

Life in general is going along okay so far. I still have yet to put up the wall paper border in the nursery but seriously, it will get done this weekend if I have to force Ray into the room with me. We also need to fix the closet door in there but I think that will have to wait until next weekend.

In other news- Ray's cousin Mark and his wife Julia (they are the one that have the year old baby boy-Sam) are expecting again. She's due two months after me almost exactly. We saw them probably a week before they found out. Isn't that great? I am so excited for them!! She said she's been really sick this time around- I told her that means it's probably a girl (just based on the fact that her symptoms are different from when she was pregnant with Sam). We are excited to see them next weekend-I guess I gotta start another blanket (of course I should finish the one for our baby first right?). I hope she didn't put her maternity clothes too far away-LOL.

Well that's it from here...back to work (or something like that) TGIF though!

On the fat train

I had an OB appointment yesterday. Aside from making me wait an additional half hour the appointment was rather uneventful. Just the usual, weight, blood pressue, pee in a cup stuff.

My AFP test came back normal. And the best news yet my early GTT came back normal too. w00t! I will have to do it again at 28 weeks or something like that but at least this one was in normal range so I am not so worried about the next one.

I gained 6lbs in the last 4 weeks. I have NO idea how that happened. I really watch what I eat but I am hungry all the time now. I don't eat chips or sweets-usually just fruit, yogurt or crackers so I am at a loss. I mean I am not perfect by any strech but it seems so odd to gain that much when I know I've been watching. Anyway, I am determined to do better these next 4 weeks. Ray is back on the WW bandwagon since he's been putting on the sympathy weight. Poor thing.

The baby is doing well. Heartrate was great and Doc had no trouble finding it at all. Baby was quite jumpy after the appointment and I actually felt him/her kick me when I put my hand on my tummy. That was cool. Ray spent about 10 minutes waiting to feel the same thing but naturally baby wanted to be a PITA. Now I know he/she takes after me. LOL.

This weekend I am determined to fix the curtains in the nursery and put up the wallpaper border. We are going to Lancaster next Saturday to pick out furniture. I figured I better get on that now while I still feel like I can and especially if it has to be ordered, it may take a while.

We started the babies r us registry and target too just because I am anal and I figured I better get my sh*t together sooner rather than later. I get into doing something and then lose interest so if I do it a little at a time that's better than leaving it to the last minute during the holidays. I can't believe it's already September. Gosh this whole pregnancy is going by so fast.

Well, that's really it from me and Baby Parrish. We have our next u/s appt in two weeks to check out baby's heart again. Not worried just excited to see our little one again.

It's a...

Haahahaha you thought I was going to tell you, didn't you?

Sorry ladies but I will not say what baby is. Just know it is either a boy or a girl, for sure.

The u/s went very well. Baby is measuring 17w6d as of yesterday and all the parts in the right place, all fingers and toes are there. The only thing is we need to go back in three weeks for them to check out baby's heart again. It seems baby was just too small to see all the necessary stuff to rule out any problems with the heart. It's totally routine for doc's to make people come back when baby is being uncooperative.

My mom and my sister were there which was a treat. The u/s tech told us baby's gender before they came into the room. Lucky us. So the secret is still safe! Now we just have to decide on names for our kidlet and we'll be all set (yup, you'll have to wait until after delivery on that one too).

Just know our babe is perfectly fine and healthy and the doc thinks baby's heart is fine too but they just have to see us again to be sure. :)

My next ob appt is next wednesday and I'll get to hear baby again. We are so lucky! I can't wait until we find a name for our little one. Soooo exciting.

Bundle of...nerves?

So here I am waiting impatiently for the hour to pass until Ray comes to get me for our "BIG u/s"! Gosh it seems so ominous when written like that.

I am just trying not to let my blood pressure go up. I know the chances are that everything is perfectly fine with the baby and that really the only thing I have to think about is whether I'll be more excited if baby is a boy or a girl. But naturally I have to make myself fret so I can feel like I am doing something...

The appointment is at 2pm but they won't take me in until 2:30 effectively making me stress even harder for even longer. Ray keeps telling me that everything with baby is perfect and that there is nothing to worry about. He also knows that by saying that it doesn't help but he says it anyway.

I shouldn't even be remotely worried because if any of my tests had come back positive for anything I am sure the Doc would have called. Then again, maybe not. I went 3 weeks with Group B Strep before the Ob finally said "did you take the antibiotics that were prescribed to you?" and I said "what?" and she said "for the group b strep, didn't someone call you?" -"uh no" but that wasn't a big deal (going the extra few weeks since it wasn't an active infection but rather "colinization"). A positive NT scan or triple screen would probably warrant a phone call at least. I would hope. The NT scan results were fine and she waited to tell me those results at my last appt.

So really this is just a routine "baby looks good" exam and the "you are having a..." exam. The u/s everyone but me seems to look forward to. Naturally I am curious about why I still look the same way I did at 12weeks now at 18weeks (is the baby growing right or what). The only slightly reassuring thing is that from time to time I can feel the baby moving around in there.

Well, keep us in your thoughts today ladies. Pray it's all "perfect" just like Ray says.

The Countdown Begins

Next Tuesday Ray and I will find out if little Clumpy is a baby boy or a baby girl. I am still thinking the baby is girl. Ray told me yesterday he thinks baby is a boy. But I believe he said that just to be contrary to me.

We have discussed names briefly but we are really waiting to find out what we are having before we go full force into it. Just look at names for either a boy or a girl is easier than looking at both. We both have names we like and I think we'll be okay no matter what we choose. I am not an absolute stickler for the name as long as its something we both like, even if I don't LOVE it.

Other than that not much else going on around here. The wallpaper border came in last week and Mom and Nat will help me put it up this coming weekend. Mom and I went to Boscovs on Saturday (since they are going out of business) and bought new curtains for the guest room but while we were there I managed to pick up to sage green valances for the nursery too. Now I just have to readjust the height of the curtain rod so it all looks nice. We spent 15 dollars on curtains for three rooms. Can't get a better deal than that, if you ask me.

That's life right now. Work is insane and we're still waiting to hear on the job Ray applied for and interviewed for a few weeks ago. The wheels of employment turn slowly at his job so nothing to be concerned with.

Oh and before I forgot

Congratulations to Ann on your Little One!

Whew

According to my "new" pregnancy ticker I am 16w1d today. It's so odd.

We scheduled our BIG u/s for Tuesday September 2. I can't believe it's only two weeks away. I am nervous as hell. I just want Baby to be okay- have all his/her fingers, toes, kidneys etc. I don't want there to be a single problem. Of course I don't-what mother wants that?

I had a complete breakdown yesterday. I've been having them a lot it seems. This past weekend I cried for at least 30 minutes about absolutely nothing (cleaning the bathroom, something I've done in the past-not a difficult job, nothing to be stressed about so explain it to me?) But yesterday I was just feeling down and I didn't know why, it was just a whole mess of stuff.

Ray and I were nicely watching the olympics. He had put away all the food from dinner and we were just hanging out like we usually do after dinner. I was thinking about February and how overwhelming all this stuff is. I started to just feel terrible- my body is changing, I haven't really felt the baby move (and I am over 16 weeks and that scares me a little), we have our big u/s in two weeks, I get my AFP results in three weeks- I am nervous, scared and I feel- well lonely to be honest.

I have no one to talk to who doesn't think all these little fears are "so silly" (as my mom says). What is our life going to be like in February? Will I ever be able to do any of the things I used to do? Will I even be good at this? Am I willing to be less selfish? Am I willing to compromise and give things up?

I feel like I've spent so much of my life coasting on "just enough"- just enough to get by and not get fired from my job, just enough to be a decent wife (but not a great one) to Ray, just enough to be a good sister or daughter to my siblings and parents. I don't want to be "just enough" for this baby. But I don't know how to be great at anything.

And I realized then (as I do right now) that any experience I've had with children has been terrible. I never ask to play with or hold Ray's cousin's children, I hated babysitting as a teen- WHAT WAS I THINKING? We wanted this, we worked for this and now- after 16 weeks of doctor's appointments and morning sickness and general stress I am now RETHINKING this whole thing? I can't go back, I don't really want to go back but---gosh this is so tough and I didn't think I would feel so inadequate or ill-equiped to do this.

None of my real life friends (except Ann and LJ) have been pregnant- none of them. My sister hasn't, my SILs (except the one we don't talk to) haven't. I am alone and I have no one to talk to. I just want someone to tell me that I'll do just fine. That I won't fuck this kid up for life. That even though I worry that the worry is okay and that Ray will be there to help me and I won't be doing this alone.

I could use a reassuring hug every now and again. I could use a real girlfriend to spend time with me so that I don't take all these negative thoughts with me into the world.

I used to have a best friend you know...now, even though Ray and I share everything I just don't think he really understands how overwhelmed and scared I am.

And so here we are

Squarely at the start of Trimester #2. So far, so good.

Yesterday was my second Ob appointment with my Doc (have I mentioned my complete LOVE of her???? I would seriously marry her if a. I were gay and b. she weren't already married and c. if I didn't already love Ray to death-but I digress) . The appointment went quite well. Blood pressure was 123/72, no protien in the urine but there may still be left over GBS (yuck), baby's heart-rate (the sound of which I ABSOLUTELY ADORE) was about 157. According to their scale I've gained 10lbs, according to mine 5- I like mine better LOL.

I did have to do the early GTT yesterday which sucked btw but wasn't nearly as awful as I heard it would be. I am just praying the results are normal so I don't have to do the three hour. The results from the NT scan were "perfect" baby is looking great. She did not give me the numbers (probably so I wouldn't stress about them, although I am sure if I asked she would have). I had the blood draw done for the AFP and my next appointment with her is on Sept 10. The big news though is that baby is measuring about 4 days ahead (which is where he/she would have been had I ovulated on CD14 like a "normal" person) so I am 15w2d today instead of 14w5d-so my due date was changed to 2/2/09- Groundhog's day and my late grandfather's birthday (I never met him).

I get to schedule our big U/S for 4 or 5 weeks from now. I can't believe how fast this is all going. It will be Feb before I know it. I feel like I'll never be prepared but I know that isn't true. Things sure are getting exciting around here. I've finally been asked about my pregnancy and it seems that my moods are getting better although I am still extremely tired in the afternoons.

Life is slowly getting back to "normal"

A Follow-up

Thanks for all the support ladies. I was worried about saying something that might offend the folks that read this blog but I think you all sorta understand where I am coming from.

Meghan, I completely understand your point. I do know what it's like to hear someone complain that it took them "so long" to conceive when it really only took them a few tries. One of Ray's cousin was like that- I just had to learn to ignore it. It's hard but I couldn't let myself be angry about her inconsiderateness (is that a word??). And what she was saying was inconsiderate. But I had to chalk it up to her not completely understand "our world"- the world of infertility, the frustration that we feel daily etc etc. I just had to "let go" of it in a way. I am not saying it was easy to just ignore it (it wasn't) but I had to so that I stayed SANE.

I am not perfect about it by any stretch. I still have my moments. I'll give you an example. This past weekend we saw many of Ray's cousins at his Aunt and Uncle's home in Pittsburgh. Three of the cousins have babies, all under a year old. Not a single one of them had issues getting pregnant. The cousin who got pregnant on accident last year who is unmarried and still lives at home where her parents take care of the kid 80% of the time was there. At one point Ray's aunt picked the baby up and moved her over to the highchair and Ray's cousin (the baby's mom) said "where are you taking her?" and Ray's aunt said "to her highchair it's time for you to feed her"- She had to REMIND her to feed her own daughter. I was throughly disgusted. Here we were having tried for a year, waiting to get the chance to do what she was totally taking for granted. I had to leave the room. But the best was the complaints about L&D. At that point I told them flat out "I'm ignoring whatever it is your are saying so feel free to talk about it but I'm not listening to you." As if a little pain and discomfort of birth is anything compared to the pain and discomfort we suffered through trying to get pregnant in the first place...(I do have to say this though- the wife of the cousin we are close to and who really knew how much crap we'd been through did not participate in the L&D conversation nor did she really complain about pregnancy, child rearing or anything. Both her and her DH are extremely considerate of us).

So you see- just because I can be enlightened most of the time doesn't mean I am all the time. It's still difficult. I still feel like I want to punch some of Ray's cousins who complain but for the most part I just think of them as ignorant to fertility issues and so I can't really blame them.

It takes time, it takes lots of understanding, and for me lots of prayers. We had a great support system with our immediate families and with our close friends and that made this whole last year of trying and coming to terms with infertility easier because there were people out there who did know and who did understand (or try to understand) what was going on.

In a lot of ways my reason for the post was not to try and get IF women to see and feel the way I do but rather to consider the kind of person/people they have become through this journey...

Anyway I appreciate all the comments. I'll be back with "how is Clumpy doing" posts this week. :)

Something To Say

I have a lot on my mind today but first, Megan I wanted to address your question about us finding out the sex. Yes, we are going to but I don't think we are going to tell anyone. What fun is that you ask? We want to know so that we can be prepared and, of course, only have to think of two girl names or two boy names rather than two girl names and two boy names. The other reason we aren't telling anyone is because people have the tendency to buy pink or blue when they know they sex and honestly I would rather they not do that. I prefer neutrals really- yellows, greens, light orange colors etc. Pink and Blue are so gender specific and that's not really my style I guess. :)

Second, I wanted to say a HUGE bloggy thanks to Ann for the blanket. Thanks so much Ann it was really thoughtful of you. It is our first real baby gift and it's so soft and cute Ray and I love it. I can't wait to put it into the baby's crib.

And Last, what's been on my mind...

I don't even know if I know how to start this as I don't want to offend my bloggy buddies who have been nothing but supportive of me over the last few years but I need to get something off my chest.

When Ray and I first started this journey off to babyland I was optimistic about our chances for conception. I knew I had health issues (asthma, overweight) but never did I think those health issues were affecting my fertility in an adverse way. It wasn't until I was told "lose weight" and "you have PCOS" that reality started to set in. In all the time I was dealing with hearing the diagnosis and trying to come to terms with things, Ray's cousins were getting knocked up left and right and yeah I was bitter...

Ok, let's be honest, I was extremely bitter, hateful, resentful and plain out MEAN. I attended no family functions, baby showers, birthday parties, Christenings or anything. I ranted and raved about how unfair it all was- why were we being punished. I even went so far as to say that some of them didn't deserve it or that Ray and I would make better parents because we really wanted it...

In retrospect my attitude was absolutely THE WORST and I was becoming a horrible, mean person because of it. One day I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that if I continued to put out negativity into the world that's exactly what I was going to get back. I don't think me being negative had anything to do with us not conceiving but it certainly didn't help matters much. At some point I resolved to be okay with other women and their fertility, realizing (as hard as it was) that their fertility, their parenting style, their ability to even be a good parent, was not stopping us from having a baby. I had to realize that God (or whomever) just didn't work that way.

Why am I bringing this up now...now that I am pregnant and it's completely irrelevant? It's a strange thing. I belong to a forum (I've mentioned it here before) of women who are TTC/TTA/going through IF or going through losses. Someone put together a post about Michele Duggar (the woman who has 18 children) and how "unfair" it is that she gets to pop out kid after kid while some women can even have one. It was a bitter and nasty post filled with self-congratulations about what a fantastic mother this person would be and how horrible it is that Mrs. Duggar makes her older children raise the younger ones and blah blah blah...

The post angered me. I don't know why but it did. The post was made on the Infertility and Loss section of the forum. A place I rarely, if ever, visit (for many reasons not the least of which is that I like to stay positive and reading about other people's loss makes me very sad and it makes me worry). The post was so negative I felt like someone needed to in there and say "hey listen what does it matter if she has 50 more kids, your hatred for her doesn't make you a better more loving person it makes you bitter and mean." Nothing that I wrote in that post was directed at anyone specifically. It really was just a "hey look at who you are becoming is that the kind of person you want to be?" I got a PM from someone who read my post and asked me to "reconsider" what I wrote. I opted not to.

Maybe that makes me a terrible person or whatever but I really believe that if we are going to grow from tragic experiences (and IF and loss is TRAGIC and don't let anyone tell you differently) then blaming other women's good fortune is not the way to grow. Can I be a little annoyed at the Duggars for making the older kids raise the younger ones- maybe. It isn't something I'd do but heck if I am going to let ANYONE in the universe question how I parent my kid. She's in the public eye so somehow that makes it okay...it doesn't but this is what people believe.

I need to say this people because I've been there...just because we suffered through infertility or loss (or both) does not mean we are going to automatically be better parents, better people or love our children more than those who did not struggle or did not experience loss. These people who have no trouble with conception may not have had to fight as hard but it does not mean they are any less loving, wonderful, compassionate and truly grateful people to have their children in their lives. And if I have to be totally honest with all of you- I would have gladly given up the years of infertility I experienced to already have my baby in my arms (I know most of you would agree). Just because we share this terrible journey of infertility does not give us the right to be judgmental and self-righteous. It does not make us better people if the people we have become are self-absorbed, bitter and angry towards other women!

I am sure I probably offended a bunch of people here. I am sorry for that but it seems to me that there is a sense of entitlement among infertile women, a sense of "I'm better than you are because look what I had to go through" and it saddens me that we are bringing down our sisters by using divisive and judgmental language.

I guess that's all I wanted to say...

Knocking on the Door

To the next trimester that is. Today I am 12w3d! Only a few more days to go to get out of this trimester. In truth though I believe everything is fine.

Yesterday was our NT scan. It went well. Baby's measuring on time it seems (though the u/s tech did not give me a measurement) and the heartbeat was 158- this time though it sounded more like a heartbeat and less like a swishing noise. It was awesome to hear it again. The tech watched our baby for 30 minutes it was great although baby was being pain in the assy and wanted to be lazy. The only time baby moved was when I laughed, other than that it seems baby was content to just lay back and grow without too much movement. I said baby takes after Ray. LOL (he didn't find that as amusing as I did).

Anyway, u/s tech and doc say baby is looking good- the NT was 1.4 (which is apparently normal) with a normal nasal bone (also good) but I won't know the final results of the screening until they get my bloodwork complete- so a few weeks from now. Hopefully before I see the Ob in two weeks.

Mom and I went shopping over the weekend because, although 3/4 of the jeans I own are too big for me (even now) the way they are cut makes the extremely uncomfortable to wear, especially when I am sitting. So I purchased some maternity jeans (SOOO COMFY). I will probably wear them on Friday when we go to Knobel's.

That's another thing. My MIL & FIL expressed concern about me traveling with them on Friday to the park. Apprently they think I am going to be miserable due to the heat and traveling time. That on top of the fact that the following day we were supposed to go a family reunion in South West PA and then travel up to Pittsburgh after the reunion was over. My total in the car for the weekend would be somewhere in the neighborhood of 12 hours spread over 3 days. I was not the least bit concerned. I do well in the car typically, especially if I can sleep. My in-laws know nothing about my car traveling habits really...but anywho we agreed to skip the reunion and just go to Knobel's and Pittsburgh (leaving late Saturday night instead of early Saturday morning for the reunion). Honestly, I think I should be the one to assess my own issues with this pregnancy. I mean I pregnant for goodness sakes not disabled. I can make my own decisions on what is or is not good for me and baby. I just think it's a bit obsessive but I suppose I understand their concern about it.

Anyway, hopefully us saying we are skipping the reunion will be enough for them to "allow" me to go on the trip to Knobels (something I look forward to each year) if not---I guess Ray and I will both be sitting at home doing nothing.

Nuchal Scan and Crazy Dreams

Anyone who knows me knows that I never can remember a single dream I've ever had. But lately (must be something about pregnancy) I've been having some interesting ones. Last nights was by far the most strange.

I dreamed that we had the baby, like yesterday (yeah 11w pregnant I know not possible) and that the baby was perfectly fine, healthy no problem. I remember being in the hospital but not the birth, like I kept saying but I don't remember giving birth to the baby, and my sister and Ray would say "we were there it happened" so I had to believe them. The thing is because the baby was so early we had nothing for her (and it was clearly a girl with black hair [fyi I have light brown hair and Ray is a red-head], blue eyes and somewhat dark skin) and my sister didn't have time to give me a baby shower. Even better is that my Doctor didn't deliver her it was the ONLY male Ob in her whole practice (which is odd since there are like 6 women and only one guy chances are I'll end up with either my Dr or one of the ladies) Isn't that the strangest thing?? I am sure it just means that I am nervous that we won't be ready when the baby comes but it seems so early to start stressing about that...

ANYWAY, on to other stuff. This coming monday is our Nuchal scan. I am not worried about it. I am sure our kiddo is fine and dandy in there. I know this is terrible but the main reason we are doing it is so that I have another picture of the baby and also because I want to see him/her again. I realize it's only been a week (plus) since we saw the baby at the Doc's appt but it's so hard not knowing what's going on in there. Hopefully everything is fine. After seeing and hearing the heartbeat last week I do feel a little bit more confident that things are going to be great and we'll be taking home our kidlet in Feb.

Well, that's all for me, for now.

Swish Swish Swish

That's what the baby's heartbeat sounded like yesterday at the Doctor's appointment.

Obviously, it all went well. Ray and I got the chance to see little Clumpy all movin' and groovin' inside of me. Heartrate was around 150 and you could see little limbs and everything. The baby almost looked human- more so than the previous u/s. The best part was hearing the little heartbeat. The doctor had a bit of time locating it because the baby kept moving around-she would find it and then baby would move and she couldn't find it. But Ray and I both got to hear it and that was the absolute best part!

I also had my annual exam and learned that I have Group Strep B and was put on antibiotics. Good thing too because I noticed today that I have the beginnings of a UTI. So they caught it really early. I have to do the GTT early (around 14 weeks) since I was diagnosed PCOS w/ insulin resistance. They just want to make sure they monitor me more heavily. I appreciate that. I hope I don't end up with gestational diabetes.

I am still feeling sick every once in a while-mostly just tired in the afternoons but it is getting a little better, I guess. The doctor asked me if I was still taking the progestrone suppositories and I told her I stopped at 9 weeks, she said "good because you definitely do not need them" I was like "w00t" in the office.

I have to tell you girls how much I love this doctor. She seems more like a friend than a doctor and I think it's great! I am so happy that she may be delivering our little baby! :)

Our next group of stuff is the Nuchal scan and AFP bloodwork which I have to call Sinai about. Then our next appointment with the Ob is in 4 weeks.

I am noticing my clothing getting tigher (in otherwords they fit now) but no one else can tell but me (good thing). I imagine in about 3 or 4 weeks it will be more obvious but I am not in any rush to let people know what's going on unless they ask directly.

Ok that's all from here. Figured I owed you folks and update!

*Yawn*

What can I say? Nothing, and I do mean nothing, has been going on with me lately. Just the usual tiredness, nausea, sore tatas. What else can I say it's hard waiting for stuff to happen.

I am slowly noticing a change in the way my clothes are fitting. Because I should have gone down to a 12 right at the time I found out I was pregnant all my size 14 are still 'big' just not as big as before. I no longer need to wear a belt with them in other words. I am filling them out. According to my scale I have gained about 2 to 3 lbs-which isn't bad actually. I am trying to keep it less than 170 until the next trimester (right now I am about 167) when I am sure I will gain a whole lot. I really want to keep the weight gain around 25 lbs. It will make it so much easier to lose after our Clumpy is here.

In the mean time I've just been trying to remain positive since the waiting is so hard. We have 5 more days until my first real Ob appointment and then we'll have to schedule the 11w downs scan. I am nervous about that scan, not because I am worried that Clumpy is going to be downs positive but because we haven't seen her/him for a while and I have no idea what's going on in there. I just hope her/his little heart is still beating away in there and all the limbs and brain and all the body parts are growing how they should.

I haven't had any cramping or bleeding incidences and so far I still feel decidely pregnant so---I think we are okay but it's hard not to be nervous about this kind of stuff. I am excited to see my Doctor though and see what she has to say.

That's it from here. I am trying to keep my breakfast down while simultaneous reviewing advertising (oh the fun of it).

A Prayer to St. Gerard

It the past few months my Church going has waned considerably. Actually in the last year we've been really bad about attending Mass. Something always seems to "come up" which is really bad, I know. I always felt happiest at Church though- it gave me a sense of peace maybe. I just knew that God would provide for us there and in the rest of our lives just by taking 1 hour out of each week to give thanks to Him.

Of course, I still feel He provides for us just we spend less time thanking Him than we used to. Not such a great thing.

I don't consider myself a religious zealot or even anything close to that. I barely consider myself religious at all. I grew up in a pretty normal home- we attended Mass every Sunday of course, I was in CCD and did all that stuff but my parents weren't "involved" in the Church and I didn't go to Catholic school or anything. I would say, by and large, we were your typical Catholic family.

In CCD you learn your Sacraments- what they mean, why you do them. You learn about Jesus and Mary etc etc. Same things you would learn in most Christian religious instruction, I would think. The difference is of course the learning about the Saints of the Catholic church. Ann mentioned St. Anthony in one of her most recent blog posts. St Anthony and I have a LONG history. He's helped me find everything from a lost pen to patience. If I could get Ray to agree to it we'd probably name our first son Anthony. LOL

Catholics have Saints for everything- St Jude for hope, St. Lucy for eyes etc. Someone recently mentioned St. Gerard to me. Apparently he's the Patron Saint of Motherhood/the Unborn. I did some research and found a prayer to recite to him. Each morning when I wake up and each night before going to bed I say a prayer to God (of course), Mary and St. Gerard to protect our baby and the give hope and strength to those women who are suffering infertility or difficult pregnancies. I figure a prayer like that couldn't hurt matters any and it brings me hope, I guess.

The basic prayer to St. Gerard is to request his intercession before God and Mary. I rarely say the one I am going to post, my prayers are usually more free-form. :)

Here is a prayer to St. Gerard to all you soon-to-be mothers/want-to-be mothers out there

O Great Saint Gerard, beloved servant of Jesus Christ, perfect imitator of your meek and humble Savior, and devoted Child of the Mother of God: enkindle within my heart one spark of that heavenly fire of charity which glowed in your heart and made you an angel of love. O glorious Saint Gerard, because when falsely accused of crime, you did bear, like your Divine master, without murmur or complaint, the calumnies of wicked men, you have been raised up by God as the Patron and Protector of expectant mothers. Preserve me from danger and from the excessive pains accompanying childbirth, and shield the child which I now carry, that it may see the light of day and receive the lustral waters of baptism through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Long Awaited-Perhaps?

So I really meant to post this whole thing yesterday but as usual I made dinner and fell asleep when I got home. I was lucky I made it to 9pm. The way I've been feeling lately I'm lucky I make it through work.

The u/s went fantastic (I promise a pic as soon as I figure out how to get it here so that you all can see it). Our Clumpy is measuring right on target (6.5mm which makes us 6w4d +/- 2d) with a nice strong heartbeat! We were sooooo happy to see that.

I have officially been released from the RE's care back to my Ob/Gyn whom I need to call. I am just giving the REs office a few days to transfer my medical records back to my Ob's office. I'll call Monday to set up my appointment.

So things are looking great for me, Ray and Clumpy (maybe Thumpy-eh Mel?) and every day I fall more in love with our little bean. Of course I am suffering from m/s and I am tired nearly all the time but I don't think anything in the world could make me happier than being sick for our little one. :)

that's about it. As soon as I get the pic together I'll be sure and post it up.

Status Quo

All is quiet on the home front now. No more spotting and I am not even the slightest bit concerned about it. I put the suppository in last night and everything was fine this morning. I probably just nicked myself when I put it in two nights ago. Everything seems to be fine and the m/s is definitely still around (fun!)

We get to see Clumpy tomorrow and I am so excited. It's going to be too early for a heartbeat but we should see a lot more this time than last time. I am sure it will all be good news for us (well I am hoping it will be at least). I am feeling much more positive lately, trying to remain calm. That's sometimes hard for a person like me.

Either way though I am trying to look towards to brighter parts of this process and not let things freak me out so much. I am not sure how well that will go.

Ray took a half day yesterday to be with me. I mostly just sat on the couch and talked with my mom on the phone. I think she was concerned but not enough to freak out. She never was that kind of mother though. She just told me I'd be fine, not to worry and to do what the nurse asked me to do. She told me I should call Ray's mom to stay with me yesterday but I told her I didn't want to mainly because I didn't want to upset her (obviously I did not have the same issues with my mother). In fact I didn't talk with anyone in Ray's family about yesterday because it isn't something I need to concern them with unless it gets worse or there is a problem. No use making everyone upset, right?

I am predicting a better day today...

Prepare for the Freak Out

I woke up this morning around 3:30am to pee. This is not unusual lately for me, I also needed to eat something or I knew I'd wake up at 6:30 needing to throw up, since that's how it goes for me. I finish my business in the bathroom and like always I check the TP. It's pinkish...I freak out.

I go back to bed, sorta. Ray wakes up and asks me if everything is okay and I started to cry. I told him about the spotting. He said "that's bad, right?" and i told him I didn't know. It's certainly not normal by any stretch of the imagination but it's not necessarily a bad thing. I thought maybe it was a one time thing. I woke up at 6:30 (normal time) feeling sick (because I hadn't gotten my late night snack because of the freak out I had) and peed again- no spotting but then there it was on my second wipe. It was more brown than pink, no blobs or globs (sorry about the TMI folks) and it was very little. I am not cramping, I feel okay (except for sore boobies and nipples and extreme tiredness). I called the doctor's office just to see if maybe they wanted me to come in.

The nurse was exceedingly nice and said "you are on progesterone suppositories which can sometimes irritate the cervix when taken for long periods of time. If it turns bright red or it's more than just spotting call us back immediately and we can have you come in for an u/s." My next u/s is Wednesday and up until this morning I was feeling really good about it. I was excited to see our little Clumpy again (even if it is going to be too early to see her little heartbeat) and I guess I still am excited but now I am back to being a bit more nervous and cautious about this whole thing.

I decided to take the day off today because if the cervix is irritated I don't want to be walking around, getting up and down and filing stuff away. I'd rather be on the couch watching Yentl and eating french toast. Ray had to go in to work today but said he was going to leave early to stay with me this afternoon. I wish he had stayed home the entire day, it would be better for me. But he has commitments for work which clearly outweigh his commitments to me (I'm not bitter about this at all, can you tell???) And maybe asking him to stay was irrational of me but damn it, I get to be irrational from time to time.

Now I am constantly on "spot-check" patrol and every time I feel anything "down there" I am in the bathroom with TP in hand checking it out. I am miserable.

I suppose I should just let things be the way they are going to be and not worry so much. I do wish the nurse had checked my last beta level to let me know what was going on. My guess is if she saw something in the chart that alarmed her when I called this morning she would have said something. Right?

Anyway, i am exactly 6w today- only 6 more to go before I freak out just a little less...

A Better Day All Around

Except for the m/s which has shown up unfortunately. Minor but definitely there. I spent 1/2 my morning at work in the bathroom waiting to barf. Thankfully, it didn't happen or I'd have a lot of 'splainin to do. I grabbed some sour candy and some water and felt much better. I even managed to have lunch and I already feel 100% better.

Of course I still have the nausea inducing pre-natals to take. Bleh I dislike them with a passion. I forgot to take one yesterday (dang it between everything else). Overall though I am feeling pretty okay. Still tired as all get out though. I could easily nap the entire day.

I am feeling much better about yeterday's ultrasound. After chatting with some of the ladies over at the Ovusoft forums many of them told me that if there was really a problem the pregnancy would have measured way behind (by like a week or more). My doctor seemed to think mine was right on track, so that was very reassuring. I have a lot of faith that next week my Clumpy will have grown and there will be enough to see what we need to see. If not we'll wait until at least 8 or 9 weeks before we call this one done-I heard a lot of misdiagnosed blighted ovum stories and I won't let my baby be a statistic unless it really looks bad next week. But it won't- all is going to be fine.

I am at peace right now with the way things are. Trying to enjoy my time being pregnant-even with minor m/s, slight cramping and extreme tiredness...I will be excited to see next weeks u/s.

U/S

So I should be feeling better but I'm not...

According to the doctor today I am 5w2d-which by my calculation is pretty accurate. I got intimate with the dildo cam again. There was a gestational sac and a yoke sac but no fetal pole. Doctor did not seem concerned considering how early it is. Needless to say I would have felt better if there was something more there. Doctor seems to think it's still a bit too small to see (around 1mm or 2mm) and that it was hiding at the top of the yoke sac close to the gestational sac making it harder to see.

Of course as a precaution before they offically diagnose this as a blighted ovum or some other such thing I have to go back in next Wednesday for a 6w2d u/s with the high hopes that there is a fetal pole and perhaps even a heartbeat (oh Lord please let there be SOMETHING). They took more blood from me to test my current hCG levels. I wasn't told to call in so I am not sure I should. I assume if the news was that the levels aren't rising or if they are going down that I would get a phone call ASAP. Hard to know what to do here.

Ray told me his gut feeling is that everything is fine and that my needless worrying will not help matters in the least. I told him I knew that my worrying was illogical and ridiculous but that admiting that to myself did not make the fear go away. He said it's a long 7 days and we have to try and enjoy knowing that so far the doctor seems pleased with Clumpy's progress...

So for now I will try and enjoy being pregnant for as long as that will last (which hopefully will be another 9 months) and of course I will continue to hope and pray that this pregnancy is just fine and everything is moving along in the right direction.

And if it isn't-we'll take some time off-start again from the beginning and keep faith.

Fear

I've heard it said that sometimes fear can be good for a person.

I don't think I am one of those people. I hate being afraid.

My biggest fear right now, and probably will be until we have this u/s on Wednesday and then another one to see the HB, is that there is no baby. It's the thought that keeps me from sleeping, is the fear that keeps me from thinking about anything else.

I cried last night for probably 45 minutes. Ray was a champ though and told me no matter what we'd be okay. I know he'll be okay. I just don't know if I will be.

Through the last year of trying and treatment it feels like it's taken us so long to get to this point that God could not possibly be cruel enough to take it all away. I don't believe that God is cruel in anyway anyhow though. I know He has a plan for all of us, even if we don't quite understand it. I know a lot of people don't believe that life is faited a certian way but if I don't believe that and things are bad (and we hope they are not) then that means I have to accept that maybe things don't happen for a reason. Sometimes things just happen.

All I want to do is be in bed right now. I want to rest my head on my pillow and forget about my fear. But it's with me even in sleep. I can't just ignore what I am feeling. It's so hard to enjoy this pregnancy when I am so worried all the time.

I talked with my mom this morning. She said the more I worry the more likely I will make myself sick. She told me to calm down because everything is probably fine and if it isn't that's okay too because now at least we know I can get pregnant. She said if there is an issue that she believes Ray and I will be okay and we'll work towards the next time. I told her that it's hard to think about saying good-bye. Then she said "you won't have to because everything is ok and it will be ok."

But the truth is I won't know if it's all okay until Wednesday at 10am. Until then I'll just keep hoping and praying. Any good thoughts you all can spare would be greatly appreciated.

Holy Tiredness Batman

Gosh I'm tired. And to any of you who say "oh you have no idea just wait until that kid is born" I say to you "BAH!" and "Leave me alone" I'll bitch if I want to this is my blog...

I've been having waves of tiredness for the last few days but today I am outright exhausted. I have hardly felt a cramp today but I feel uncomfortable overall. Like my tummy is spasming- it doesn't hurt it just feels uncomfortable. That on top of being hungry but not wanting to eat...it's strange.

The boobies are the most sore today than they have ever been. I honestly just want to crawl back into my bed. I hope this means Clumpy is okay.

I am still nervous about our u/s next week. I am praying that everything is fine and that she's measuring the way she's supposed to. It's my RE doing the u/s. The last time I saw her was for a follie check at CD 15 where my follie hadn't grown at all...I hope that's not a bad sign. I really want everything with this pregnancy to be uneventful.

I talked a little with my mother yesterday. I asked if anyone had a history of miscarriage in the family. She said no one but my grandmother (her mom) did have a baby stillborn because of a tipped uterus. It wasn't something they knew before she delievered him. But that was the only problem she ever had.

In addition she said I should be happy that I am not in a lot of pain or that I am feeling sick. She said she felt happy, perfect and fine throughout all her pregnancies and that most likely I'll experience the same thing. But symptoms are reassuring to me...is it odd that i just more of them?

With relation to the uterus stuff, my HSG showed I have an arcuate uterus. Basically my uterus is in the shape of an arrow. The RE said it's nothing to be concerned about and that mine is not very prevelent. It doesn't matter. No matter how many people tell you everything is going to be fine you don't believe it until you see that baby on the u/s.

It's so hard waiting. I know that whatever will be will be and that stressing out about it won't change anything but it's hard not to.

Update**Beta #s

So I got my 2nd beta back and it looks okay. It didn't quite double but very close (less than 100 off from doubling completly) the beta level is 2793, I wish it was higher. I was honestly hoping it be closer to 3000. My progesterone level dropped a bit also to 36.8 (3.2 less than Monday's test). I have an ob u/s next Wednesday to see if there is a sack and all the related stuff. I don't think there will be a heartbeat until a few weeks after that so...I am not getting to worked up over anything at this point.

Anyone have any experience with betas and progeterone levels. Should I be worried that my level didn't exactly double (we went in about 20 minutes earlier this time than last time, does that make a difference) and that my progesterone level went down 3.2 from Monday?

2nd Beta

So I won't have the results of my second beta until around 1pm today. As soon as I have them I will update with the results.

To answer a few questions. I am 4w4d today (according to my chart). Obviously an u/s will have to confirm the date when (fingres crossed) we get to that point.

How did I tell Ray? Well let me give some background on that. As most have read, on 6dpo I had to go into the RE's office for a progesterone test. The progesterone had to be over 15 in order for them not to prescribe suppositories. My level came back at 15.9 so as a precaution they started me on the suppositories. The nurse warned me that the progestrone might delay my period or make me have symptoms of pregnancy even if I wasn't pregnant and that I should test on June 1.

On about 11DPO I started to have mild cramps and some breast achiness- typical of an AF visit and I thought "ok we'll just prep ourselves for the next clomid/hCG trigger cycle" and I told Ray that I thought I'd get my period this cycle. He said "so we'll get it on the next one" and I was okay with it. We have been busy with the house anyway and I was concerned that our timing was mess up for this cycle. I was ready to get pregnant next cycle.

On 14DPO (May 31) when I didn't get my period (my typical LP is 13 days) I didn't think anything of it because I was taking the progesterone and I figured that's why it was a bit delayed also no spotting, again I attributed this to progesterone. But the cramps were quite painful. I usually get cramps before AF but these were more painful than any I'd experienced in the last few ovulatory cycles. I just thought that the progesterone was making them worse. That night (May 31) I was talking with my SIL and I was mentioning that the nurse suggested I test June 1 but I didn't know why I was bothering since I was like 99.9% sure I wasn't pregnant. I even went so far as to suggest I was going to stop taking my progesterone suppositories due to how much they sucked (good thing I didn't do that). All this time though my temps stayed around 98.3 which is really high for me (most of my post ovulatory temps never get above 97.7 there are always a few that hit 98) but again didn't think anything of it, at all.

On Sunday morning (June 1) I woke up and decided to "waste" my 5 bucks and take the test just to get it over with. I wouldn't have tested at all until I was done with the progesterone suppositories but since the nurse said I should, I did. When the urine passed over the test point it came up positive immediately. Shocked would not have been the word- awed, dismayed, completely stunned would explain it better.

I left the bathroom, Ray was still sleeping, and I screamed (running up the stairs) "WAKE UP" and he (in his half asleep voice) said "what, what's wrong?" and I said "nothings wrong" and showed him the test and we hugged for a good minute and then I said "should we wait to tell everyone?" and he said "maybe" and I said "I have to tell my mom and sister" and so we told the immediate family and our good friends and obviously I have told the blogging world. But our co-workers/bosses don't know and our extended families are oblivious at least until we are well into the second trimester.

And so now waits for the next beta which we hope is good. We are already attached to "clumpy" (Ann, I thought about you when we thinking of a nickname for the "baby") and hope that she'll be fine and that this whole pregnancy will be completely uneventful in every way.

Betas/Progesterone & My Nerves

So my beta was 1439 and the progesterone was over 40 which the nurse said is perfect. I am happy to hear that.

I am nervous though, I go for my repeat beta tomorrow (the RE's office likes to keep a close eye on early pregnancy) and I hope everything is okay. I've been feeling pretty good lately. No morning sickness, just some cramps every now and again and my boobies are a bit heavy and painful but nothing like the way some people describe it.

Should I be concerned? I would think I would at least feel somewhat different. I just feel like I do right before AF shows up. I mean I know I am pregnant and my betas and progesterone look good but with few symptoms I am nervous.

My mom told me she didn't have any for her first three months of pregnancy and didn't know she was pregnant with my sister and me until she was almost 12 weeks (she told me after she had my brother she only had one post partum AF visit and then not again for another 9 months LOL). I have no idea what to think...

I am just hoping my numbers are really good tomorrow.

In the mean time I continue with the hideous suppositories.

An the answer is...

So, yeah that about says it all. Thanks for all the support ladies.

I'll update tomorrow with my beta numbers. ;)

13DPO- and waiting

So after receiving the shock that I ovulated spontaneously the nurse told me to come in on 6/7DPO to have a progestrone test. The RE had told me that I needed a level above 15 in order to avoid vaginal suppositories. My level was 15.9. They are making me take them but for what?

I am not pregnant.

Not that i know for sure since I haven't tested but I am 99.99999999999% sure I am not. AF cramps have been here for the last two days a sure sign she's on her way. I can't even be disappointed about this because I knew our timing sucked especially with Ray's issues.

We agreed to do one more natural cycle (mainly because Ray wants to) and then start IUI. I have faith that the IUIs will work because I really believe that it's mostly Ray's issue at this point. We know I can be stimulated on 50mg of clomid, I am sure the 100mg will be even better. Now if only my insurance company were such jerks about everyhing.

That is a post for another time.

Anyway, so here I wait. It may be that AF is delayed due to the progesterone but she will be here and then it's another call to the RE's office to start the next cycle of pills, monitoring and shots. So fun! :/

Spontaneous Ovulation

So to let everyone know what happened at my appointment. I was supposed to go in for a PCT, u/s and a trigger shot on Sunday at 10:30am. The nurse on Friday told us to have sex in the early morning or late Saturday night. Ray and I went to see Prince Caspian on Saturday and got back later than I thought and just fell right asleep, after spending the previous few days on the house we were both beat. So we decided to have sex on Sunday morning about 2/ 2.5 hours before the appointment. I figured that was okay.

At the appointment, the RE does the PCT and then goes to do the u/s and tells me "well it looks like you ovulated yesterday (Saturday) so no need for the trigger" I was like "oh no" and she said that she thought that the timing was good but I think because she thought we had sex on Friday night, not on Saturday morning. We also had sex on Thursday night so we are sorta covered, I guess. The timing is not wonderful but it's not terrible either. Needless to say I wish we had gotten in another time between Thursday and Sunday early morning. I am just stunned though how did my follie go from 17mm to 22mm in 2 days?I just knew this was going to happen.

Normally I would be thrilled about it but considering that we didn't have sex on Saturday night I think we missed our timing again . I am supposed to go for a progesterone test on Friday. She said the level needs to be 15 or better...at least I don't have to keep taking HPTs to see if the trigger is out right??I have to say though overall I am disappointed. The whole point of the monitored cycle was so that we didn't mess up the timing and we did it anyway because my body wants to do what it wants, like before only now it's doing the right thing just at the wrong time. FIGURES! So I guess I am in the 2ww although I am expecting nothing but a visit from deary AF at the end of it.

We'll see what the progesterone levels yield. I'll make my decision to take an HPT on that.

*Does A Happy Dance*

So apparently I am just a slow responder for the clomid. My follicle check went much better today. That little immature 10mm follicle grew to a nice 17mm one! I have one more u/s on Sunday (along with a PCT) and we'll also trigger!

I am excited and nervous. I hope it works, I really do. I know we have some sperm issues so that concerns me but, I have a lot of hope and faith right now. I am feeling positive. I will remain that way until AF shows up but I am not thinking she will.

This will probably be the hardest 2WW of my life. Because I know we are going to time everything really really well and that's a good thing. Because all the other times I had no idea what was going on. Now I have proof and control of what's going on. It's a little scary. But you know what would be totally awesome? Getting pregnant and having the house all done.

Life is getting pretty exciting!

So tell me again why I was hopeful?

The second follicle check did not go well. The one and only follicle that had good size to it stopped growing. RE said we'll do another U/S on Friday but that after that we won't. I'll get to go another two weeks unmonitored and if I don't start my period by then it's on to yet another round of provera. I think I still have my other prescription some place.

Words cannot describe the immense disappointment I feel. Ray was in the room with me this time. I don't think he knew what was going on because he didn't say anything to me after. He was ticked because I lost his keys-nice reaction. Here I am miserable and all he can do is be pissy about his keys, which are in the house we just didn't have time to look for them.

The RE said that it's possible the 50mg dose of clomid is too low and that I need a higher dose. That's fine the clomid 'script is a lot less expensive than the ovidrel. So if this cycle doesn't work out for triggering at least I won't have to get another ovidrel shot.

I am reading a lot about PCOS and clomid though and what a lot of REs do is supplement the clomid with an injectable every other day in order to stimulate the ovaries. I'd hate to tell an RE how to do her job but I am wondering if she is ignoring my PCOS and just treating me as if I have unexplained infertility. I don't know. I am just so miserable today...

I guess I'll keep my hope up by hoping that they will grow more in the next three days! *sigh*

Check, Check 1 2 3

So I had the follie check on Saturday. It was okay. I expected to see my RE but I got another Dr from the practice- a guy. Never had a guy lookin' down there before. No biggy, just unexpected.

RE said that I have several potential follies (YIPPY)on the right side, and a couple on the left, the biggest being 10mm-small but growing. It needs to be at least 18-20mm before they'll let me get my shot. I am supposed to go again tomorrow morning to see if it's grown. I am hoping it will be a little overachiver and have grown to at least 16mm- I suspect I'll be lucky if it reach 14mm or that it's grown at all.

I have no idea of 10mm is good after three days being off clomid or if that's on the small side. I would think it's okay and that as long as it keeps growing I should trigger on Thursday or Friday which means I'll probably ovulate on CD19 which is much better than I was doing on my own. I do wish I had a few 12mm ones in there on Saturday but I'll take the 10mm and keep praying it grows up good and strong! Hey it could be our potential kid I am cultivating in there! :)

All in all my mood has been good, hopeful even. With everything else going on I'm amazed about how calm I am about this whole thing right now.

Yesterday we went to lunch with my mom, brother and his girlfriend. It was nice. We went back to my mom's apartment for a little bit and my brother's girlfriend was asking me how I knew that there were issues. I told her the whole story, then she asked how long we'd been trying and I told her about a year. I think she was kind of shocked to here that. I think my brother was too honestly. But most people don't go off and tell other people they are TTC (like what is it any of their business anyways) so the only time people know they are is when there are problems and it interrupts plans that you have. I suppose I could have been more secretive about the whole thing but the way I figure it is that if people keep thinking good thoughts about us and about us getting pg then maybe all that good thinking and praying and hoping will work more than if it were just me and Ray hoping, and thinking and praying. I don't know.

Anyway, good thoughts for a nice big follie tomorrow!

CD3 Blood Work, Prescriptions and Shots

Oh now the fun REALLY begins.

I got my prescription for Clomid today as well as for Ovidrel. I called up our prescription benefits folks to find out how much for the Ovidrel and she said she didn't know, they had to run all kinds of information before they could give me a price. Okay fine. I asked if it was better if I took the 'script to the pharmacy and she said that it needs to be ordered over the phone. Good thing I called then.

I just hope I hear back from them today because I need it in 9 days to trigger. All my plans got messed up for next weekend because of when good old AF showed up. Couldn't she have been just ONE DAY earlier?? I am supposed to be in NY next weekend for my Grandmother's 80th birthday but now if my body cooperates (oh Lord please let it cooperate) we'll trigger on Saturday and do a post-coital test on Sunday. I don't see the need for the post-coital- I may have some CF issues but I don't think a post-coital will tell them anything. Perhaps I can talk with the Doc about skipping that so that we can actually go to NY on Saturday and see my grandmother and then spend Mother's day with my mom. If this cycle doesn't work out with me getting pregnant there is always next cycle for the post-coital.

My mom was really sweet though. She said "well if you come in on Saturday night where are you staying" and I said "yeah well that's the other reason we kinda didn't want to come up" and she said "oh, right because you'll want to be alone" and I said "that would be nice" and she said "well I can book you a nice hotel room near the airport, you and Ray can be alone all night on Saturday and on Sunday morning" and I was like "you are cute, but that works for us." I feel kinda weird that my whole family (and his too) know our sex habits now. They know when AF is in town- they know everything! I am so whatever about it though because I've been poked, proded and stuck so many times it's hard to keep a secret from people. Even from my mom, dad and sister who live far away. But it is odd, everyone knowing when Ray and I are having sex. LOL

So now we wait until Saturday so I can start the clomid. I can't say I am really looking forward to it as I heard the side effects are pretty nasty. I would like to find a way to increase my CF since I hear that's one of the big side effects of taking it. I'll talk to the girls on my IF forum.

We wait for the fun to begin. Pray I get some nice follies and that our insurance will cover (and be able to send on time) the Ovidrel shot!

Do You Ever Just Wonder

Do you ever wonder if when people say "I'm sorry it's not working out for you" that they really mean "I'm glad it's not working out for you because I am having a hard time and if I'm not happy I don't want anyone to be happy?"

I am not saying anyone who reads this blog feels that way about me. But a girl in one of my buddy groups on an infertility forum I post on was saying that a girl friend of hers just found out she's pregnant after 3 years with IVF. She said she was happy for them but not for another friend who had only been trying for 1 month. She said she was upset with the couple who was only trying for one month because it was so easy for them.

Sometimes I catch myself feeling that way too. Like, it isn't fair when it happens so easily. Or when I hear about yet another 15 year old who got herself "accidentially" knocked up. All of Ray's cousins (or wives) got pregnant on the first try, or when they weren't trying and I find myself resenting them, avoiding baby showers and pictures.

I don't want to be like that. I want to be happy for a person just because they are choosing to bring a child into the world. I want to be thrilled that they did that and be happy for them. But all I ever think is "why not me?"

And then there is the other thing I think about and that's the people who are having trouble, or who have had trouble. I think maybe they aren't as supportive of other infertile couples as they seem to be. Like we are all supposed to be thrilled when one of "us" gets pregnant but what if someone has been experiencing IF for 2 years and other 1 year and the one who was experiencing IF less time gets pregnant first...there has to be a lot of anger with the person who's been trying for two years...you know?

Or those girls that already had a baby and are experiecing so-called "secondary infertility"- sometimes I get so upset and think "but they already have ONE, I don't even have that." Or the even rarer breed of women who get pregnant after infertility and then don't want anyone else to be pregnant, whether infertile or not because it was so hard for them.

I just want to be okay with the way things are going for us now. I don't want to be "upset" that someone had an easy go of it. It's nice that there are people in the world who don't have to worry about this kind of stuff. If a girl friend of mine gets pregnant, whether trying or not, whether experiencing issues or not I am going to resolve, right here and now, to be happy for them. I won't allow my pain to create uncomfortable relationship with people.

I know I am better than that.

On to something else. We got Ray's SA results back from the RE. Pre-wash was okay about 15m (should be closer to 20m), 34% motile (should be closer to 50%), 47% normal forms (WHO 4th says at least 14% so we are really good there), 5.2ml (anything about 2.5 is awesome). Post-wash the motility went up to 45% and the count went to 7m which is actually really good the lab tech said. So if we want to do IUI we can, don't have to go straight into IVF (thank goodness). But I think we decided on an au naturale cycle this month and next month. We'll discuss IUI come July.

I have my fingers crossed that my CD12 u/s will show at least two nice follies for me to ovulate. I don't want to have to max out on clomid and because I am ovulating again on my own I don't think we'll need to go past 100 (at least I hope not). I have hope this cycle.

Tomorrow is my CD3 bloodwork and I get to pick up my 'script for the clomid and start taking it on Friday!

I think we all know how this ends

I started spotting...

cramps and spotting- AF will be here tomorrow.

Needless to say Ray had to get me to stop crying. And while i knew this was the way it was going to end I am still so hurt.

I guess we have to just suck it up and move on to the stupid IF treatments, that I REALLY REALLY didn't want to have to do. Blood tests and medication and all kinds of stuff that takes the enjoyment and fun out of TTC.

Ray is so supportive, he's convinced that we'll get pregnant this month once I start taking the clomid and they can tell me exactly when I'll ovulate. But even with all that I just don't think I'll ever get pregnant. I just don't think my body wants to. maybe I don't want to. I don't know.

I am going to do my best to pull it together tonight so I can go to work and be okay tomorrow. We have so much stuff to do right now that I can't let this affect me the way it is.

Thanks for the support though and all the good luck and wishes. I'll be back once we get this cycle started on clomid and I have something to blog about.

So A Funny Thing

AF isn't here. Not even spotting. My temps went up this morning?? I think my chart is wrong.

I'm a skeptic I guess. I won't test! I can't bare to see the negative result even with decent temps. I'll wait until Monday unless AF shows by then (and she will).

I can make it through the weekend (I think) besides I only have one test at home and I don't want to waste it on this cycle when I feel we had no chance. Our timing was great if I ovulated 14 days ago, it was okay if I ovulated 12, not so great at 11 days or less.

Only time will tell I guess. Wait wait wait. That's the fun part. Still having cramps and craving sweets (not like me at all) but I am still sure she'll show tomorrow or sunday at the latest!

Well Okay then

Who's been waiting for an update??

So, I wish I could say that interesting things are happening. Truth is, nothing is happening. I am 12DPO today. Tomorrow should be the last day of my typical LP (that's Luteal Phase, Mel) and I should have dear old AF on Friday.

I am 99.99% sure that AF will show on Friday because I've been experiencing acne, chocolate cravings and terrible headaches. All 100% sure signs of impending AF. I am okay with it. I just want to move onto our medicated IUI cycles already. I want to stop playing this "did we time it right" game and I want to be sure that a doctor is monitoring what we are doing. As odd as that seems. At least I know I'll actually have a chance if a doctor is doing SOMETHING for us.

In the meantime we wait for my period to come. Ray's next SA is Monday the 28th and there is a good chance I'll have my CD3 blood work on the same day- so that worked out. I'll pick up my clomid prescription on the same day as the bloodwork and then wait for CD5 to start taking it. CD10 through mature follies (whatever day that happens to be) we'll be in for AM ultrasounds and then probably an hCG trigger followed by IUI (if we choose it). Should be Fun?

That's all from here. I'll post again on Friday to let you know how bad AF is being to me. Hopefully she'll be nice :).

Miracles Can Happen

No I'm not pregnant...wish I was though

Rather the miracle is that I did actually ovulate this cycle according to my progesterone test. I wonder if we caught the eggie. Ray and I slacked off majorly in the sex department because I was sure this cycle was annovulatory. We did have sex though so maybe it's close enough. I am not banking on it.

The appointment with the RE went very well. If I hadn't ovulated I would be starting on provera today and in 7 days I'd have my period but because I did ovulate I have to wait it out-probably about 8 or 9 days from now- a couple of days doesn't make a difference in my book. Then I get to have the CD3 blood work done (again) and then clomid from CD5-9 which will be monitored (which I am so excited about). Then I think we are doing an hCG trigger plus IUI unless we opt not to. I think the first few cycles we'll try and do it au naturale and see how it goes. If I am ovulating on time I think that's most of this battle. If after a few cycles we see nothing we'll move to the IUI.

All in all good news. Ray has to have another SA done just to rule out baterial issues and we'll get him started on some vitamins and see if that makes a difference.

That's all from here. I'll be around posting again soon.

An Update, I guess

for the three of you that might still be reading.

The RE rescheduled my appointment for this Wednesday so I am just waiting on that to happen. I am nevous and excited. Maybe we'll get pregnant soon without so much stuff... I can hope right.

In the meantime I have no idea what is up with this cycle. I am tempted to stop temping because it's so freakin' confusing. I got a + OPK almost two weeks ago and I took another one the other day (it was 9 or 10DPO if I go by the first positive) because my temps are strange and I didn't think I had really ovulated when I got the first positive and this was positive too. What does that mean?? Probably that my body hates me.

Anyway, I am supposed to take an pregnancy test on Wednesday just because I want to let the RE know where I am in my cycle (where am I????) I am not expecting a result other than BFN but that's okay perhaps now we can figure out what's going on with me. If I haven't said it before PCOS sucks!

So, once again it's hurry up and wait for things to happen. I need to call up the insurance folks and find out exactly what our IF benefits are. Either that or I need Ray to look them up for me.

Two days left until I found out what the story is.

The Good News, The Bad News

The good news is that Ray's last SA was good. The count is still a little below average but nothing to worry about, at least according to the Uro. Since everything seems to be okay he no longer has to see the Uro (which made Ray happy). Unfortunately I think he will have to do one more SA when we get to the RE on Tuesday. He'll have to abstain again but I want to talk to the RE's office before I make Ray do that.

The Bad News is that I still haven't ovualted yet this cycle. Today is CD 24 the OPKs are definitely negative and my CF is still creamy, though I did have some light pink spotting with some EWCF last night (and cramps). So unless I ovulate in the next two days I am in for some provera. Yippy :(. That's the second cycle in a row that was ended by provera. I thought all this weight loss was supposed to help me!

Speaking of weight loss-it seems more like weight stall. I have to weigh in tonight even though I'll probably post a gain (it could even be close to 4 lbs which totally bites btw). But I already started back tracking and eating better so I am sure I'll lose all that weight plus some. At least I hope I will. I am hoping that April isn't too rainy so I can get on my bike again.

On a side note I saw my MIL this weekend and she was filling me in on the baby shower for one of Ray's cousin's-in-law (his cousin [Luke]'s wife, her name is Jen). We opted not to go for a few reasons. First my sister was in town and I wasn't going to a shower while my sister was in town. Second, I can't handle baby showers right now. I don't do showers to begin with (I was forced into my own bridal shower and I know if I ever get pregnant I'll be forced into a baby shower too) but a baby shower for someone else is just too much, especially for a girl who insisted she didn't want baby "right now" but covertly was taking OPKs and timing intercourse. Bah, I dislike dishonesty.

That reminds me of the conversation I had with Ray's other cousin-in-law (Julia, the wife of Mark, Luke's younger brother) about this. I mentioned that I wasn't going to the shower and she asked why and I told her. I said I know I didn't have a right to be upset about Luke and Jen but that it bothered me that Jen was so adament about not wanting to have a baby the last time I saw her (last July). And Julia said she understood but that even at that time Jen and Luke were trying. So I asked Julia why she thought Jen would be dishonest about it. She said she thought maybe Jen didn't want to answer so many questions. I said I understood but I think my responses would have been different, more along the lines of "hey if it happens it happens" not "oh no, I don't want any kids right now, we aren't trying" etc- Julia said that she thought that would have been the more honest approach. Not that it matters, what's done is done and I guess, I am happy for them.

Anyway, the shower was apparently very nice but there were a lot of people there. My MIL said something like 65 people or something. I still haven't gotten them a gift because I cannot will myself into Baby's R Us. I think my best bet is to go into Baby Gap and buy something. Not that they found out what they are having (nor will they) but I think I can find something cute that would work for a boy or a girl. Then I have to send it to them (or hopefully we'll see Mark and Julia again and they can give it to them for us).

Other than that life is the same. Just waiting on our RE appointment on April 9.

Hi Ho Hi Ho It's off to the RE we go

:/

I was hoping to avoid this but it seems we are set on a path of fertility meds and doctor's appointments over the course of at least the next few months if not much longer.

I spoke with my Ob/Gyn today and it seems all my levels are normal. It still doesn't explain my lines on the OPKs though (not positive just there). I told her about that she said to keep testing I just might ovulate late (uh huh) but that if dear old Auntie Flo doesn't visit by April 12 that I should stop by the office for a lab slip for yet another hCG, prescription for provera and some clomid. She said she didn't think that femera was a good idea and hasn't had much luck with it. So, okay- here we go.

As for the RE- my appointment is April 9th at 9am at a Fertility clinic right around the corner from our apartment (funny, right? I can walk there). I am nervous and anxious about it but also really happy that I am going. I love my Ob/Gyn but I know there is only so much she can do, especially with the sperm issues we have also.

I told Ray to make sure that he gets his results from the Uro tomorrow so he can bring them with him on April 9. I told him that he also has to be there since it's an US issue and not just a ME issue. He said not a problem. So once again it's wait wait wait until the appointment and see what the RE suggests.

I'll let everyone know what Ray's tests say as soon as we have the results.

And the Results are In

HSG was a normal study

TSH is normal

I am immune to reubella (I am not sure why they test for this)

I have to wait to hear from the the Doc about my LH/FSH results. The nurse wasn't sure what they are supposed to be and didn't want to tell me if they are normal or not. I should have said are they a 1:1 ratio? That's normal if not, then no it's not normal. But apparently the Doctor will call me today. Yeah, I am not holding my breath for her phone call.

Still getting negative OPKs (shocking right???) Today is CD 16- if I ovulate this month it will be a surprise. I'll keep taking them though until I get to CD 35 and then I am calling the doc for more provera. In the meantime I've amassed a lot of pee sticks on my night table. They all look exactly the same, they aren't getting darker or lighter. I honestly think I don't even need to hear the results of my LH/FSH tests--clearly my LH is HIGH otherwise I wouldn't see anything on these tests. Bleh

The best I can hope for at this moment is to talk with the doctor about it. My guess is she wants to do clomid which, I think, is a mistake and a waste of time and money. I personally would rather go to something else like Femera which I hear works much better on PCOS folks than Clomid does. I am nervous about doing any kind of injectable treatment because it can cause ovarian hyperstimulation in PCOS patients, cause multiples (not that I care about that) but worse it can cause nasty cysts which are painful and require the pill to treat. Thanks, but I'll pass on all that.

As for Ray, his results are in already too but he's waiting to see the Doctor before getting them (on the 27th). I am really hoping that these results are much better than the last results we got. If not I think he'll be scheduled for an ultrasound to see if he has a severely twisted vein in his scrotum. I don't think so, it's probably all the mountain dew, bike riding and tight underwear he wears LOL. I think we'll try and treat with supplements rather than surgery if the vein isn't really impeding him. Only the Uro will be able to tell him that.

That's all from here. As soon as I have the other results I'll update again.

HSG & Me

So I had my HSG today. So crampy and uncomfortable but not painful. Just a little strange.

Thank goodness for a decent tech though. After the radiologist left the room she said "I think it looks good" so that made me feel better. The doc will have the official results tomorrow. If she doesn't call I will call her by the end of the week.

Ray is still waiting to see the Doc about his second SA. Hopefully those results are okay and we'll get the go-ahead to start clomid or a referral to an RE.

I am still taking the metformin and folic acid. I started back on the minocycline even though I shouldn't be on it. I started it again because I had a cyst flare up under my arm. It's so painful and I don't see the Derm until next friday. I will ask him to change my meds to something more pg friendly as minocycline is definitely NOT.

The weight loss is still going well. I've lost over 47 lbs now and pretty soon I'll be at 50 and Mel and I are celebrating with a day off from work and afternoon tea. I am super excited about it.

That's it. Will let all of you (anyone still reading that is) know what the doc says about the HSG and the SA. One more thing I finally got a line on an OPK. It isn't positive yet but I think it might be soon. I am so happy that my body might actually work.